‘Oh, yes, this is lovely,’ Raelene said, looking around. ‘Nicely understated,’ she added, nodding approvingly.
‘Yes. Beautiful,’ Adrian said, wrapping his arms around his wife and Hannah, who stood trying to take it in.
‘Hannah?’ Adrian asked, squeezing her closer to him.
She murmured her agreement and nodded.
Yes it is beautiful, but don’t forget why we’re here, she wanted to say.
‘I think your parents would have approved, don’t you?’ Raelene said.
Have you lost your minds? We’re looking at a funeral place, not a bloody wedding venue. As she stood there she was shocked at her overwhelming urge to pick up a pedestal and throw it through one of the beautiful windows.
Hannah bolted from the room.
Outside, tears poured down her face. She crumpled onto a bench and began sobbing.
‘Let’s get you home,’ Raelene said, easing her up. ‘Yes. Thank you for everything, Graeme.’
‘You’re welcome. You have my number, so do call anytime if you have any questions,’ he said, shaking Adrian’s hand.
Hannah stood dumbly while he took both her hands in his and peered sympathetically into her face. ‘We’ll take good care of Tristan, Daphne and Daniel, and give you a beautiful service to honour them, my dear. Take care and I’ll see you Wednesday.’
Hannah nodded and sniffled in response.
*
Hannah sat at the front of the chapel staring ahead at the three caskets – one shiny blue with stainless-steel handles and two in polished mahogany with gold handles.
Raelene was to her left and Adrian next to her. Beside Hannah to her right was Beth, Sam and then Rob. An hour earlier, back at the house, Beth had pressed a pill in her hand.
‘It’s Valium. From a friend. We need something to get us through today.’
Hannah had taken it, but wasn’t sure she should have. She was calm, but woozy – a different woozy from the numb, empty feeling she’d been growing used to. This was kind of out-of-body and she felt completely vacant in the head. She thought she could hear the music of a string quartet coming from the speakers, but the sound was muffled. She could hear the chapel filling up behind her, but those sounds seemed amplified, as if she were in a tunnel. She stared down, feeling a little perplexed as Beth took hold of her right hand and Raelene her left. Her hands didn’t really feel part of her. It was as if they belonged to someone else.
‘Are you ready to begin?’ Graeme asked, appearing in front of them and looking from Hannah to Raelene and then Adrian.
Hannah blinked a few times before nodding. Her heart was pounding heavily in her chest, but otherwise she was calm – weird.
She looked up at Graeme, who was now standing behind the lectern. Her stomach flipped. She just had to sit there and not do anything, so why was she suddenly nervous? Rob stood up and walked to the front to give his eulogy for Tristan. He cleared his throat. Hannah’s heart went out to him. Between her fuzzy cocooned state and being so intent on trying to stifle the sound of her sobbing, she barely heard what he said. Thankfully the Valium stopped her from panicking about that, which she might have done. That and the fact Adrian and Raelene had warned her that she probably wouldn’t remember many of the details of the day. She had the order of service on her lap with the quotes they’d selected, and Rob and Beth had said they’d give her copies of their eulogies. The main thing was to get through it without collapsing and embarrassing herself.
There was a moment when the whole room chuckled. Something about golf, but Hannah had missed the punch line.
Suddenly Rob was sitting down again and being consoled by Sam as tears poured from his face.
Why did you have to die and put everyone through this? Look at us. How could there be a god who people say is so wonderful and takes care of everyone, if he was okay with this? It’s too cruel, Hannah thought as she offered Rob a sympathetic smile of thanks.
It was now Beth’s turn to get up and give her speech. Hannah tried to force herself to concentrate, but her mind kept wandering. Suddenly she wondered which casket held her mum and which held her dad. The longer she stared, the more important it felt for her to know. She found herself wringing her hands until Raelene put a hand over them. And then more tears fell as Hannah realised Tristan and her parents were right there in those boxes. She hadn’t really thought about it. And now she was, she found it quite shocking.
What did you think? That they’d be empty? Yes, I probably did, actually, Hannah conceded to herself. And a whole new level of sadness came over her. She turned her attention back to Beth. At least Hannah felt she was able to breathe today without too much conscious effort. Beth had said that would be the best thing about the Valium – it would keep the overwhelming jitters at bay. It had, but Hannah was like a zombie. Even through her foggy mind, she was impressed with how together Beth was as she spoke of what good friends Daniel and Daphne had been to her and her late husband.
‘Daph was the epitome of welcoming. She was a very good cook and host, and it was my honour to have been able to call Daphne and Daniel my best friends for over thirty-five years. I remember the day they arrived in our street as if it were yesterday. While the boxes were still being unloaded, Daph was in the kitchen busy cooking cupcakes to bribe her new neighbours with. She soon had the entire street eating out of her hand – literally. We were all devastated when they went to live in a retirement village, but soon realised they had left us in very capable hands with Hannah and Tristan.’ She paused and smiled at Hannah, who tried to smile back, but just burst into a new flood of tears.
Hannah didn’t hear any more and was shocked when just moments later – it seemed – the music was back on and Graeme was indicating for her to rise. She allowed Graeme to take her hand and, with Raelene and Adrian following, lead her to the caskets. Hannah wanted to run, escape to some fresh air, but funerals were sedate, decorous occasions.
Goodbye, Mum, Dad, I’ll love you always, she silently told the dark wooden boxes. She stood in front of the beautiful blue box. ‘Oh, Tris,’ she blurted. She couldn’t make herself move, didn’t want to leave him. It isn’t right. Her legs buckled and she had to put a hand on the casket to stop herself falling. She was barely aware of being held up and helped away, but she was. The next moment she was going out a side door and into bright sunshine.
‘You’ve done very well, my dear,’ Graeme said.
Hannah, Adrian and Raelene hugged tightly and wordlessly. They broke apart when Beth, Sam and Rob appeared.
‘Thank you for such kind, generous words, Rob,’ Adrian said. ‘And, you, Beth. You spoke so beautifully.’
Hannah nodded dumbly. She should be saying these things, but she just wanted to escape. A part of her now wished they weren’t all going back to the house for a wake. She wanted to curl up somewhere dark and be alone.
‘You’re being so brave, darling,’ Beth said. ‘Isn’t she, Sam?’
‘Oh, Hann,’ Sam said, bursting into tears and clinging to Hannah.
‘Thank god you’re here,’ Hannah said.
Suddenly people were milling around them, offering various words of condolences and snippets of memories and stories of how they knew Tristan, Daphne and Daniel. Hannah nodded over and over, accepted each hand limply before letting it go and allowed herself to be drawn into and released from dozens of hugs. There were so many people, it was becoming overwhelming. Suddenly she was gasping for breath. She felt as if she’d been standing out here for hours. She probably had. Time was regularly playing tricks on her these days.
‘Come on, you’ve seen enough people and most of them you’re going to see again at the house. It’s time we were going, anyway,’ Beth said, taking her by the elbow.
‘Oh, yes, look at the time,’ Raelene said, checking her watch. ‘We should have left twenty minutes ago.’
Hannah couldn’t remember which car she’d come in and who’d been driving. She wished her brain would clear a little, though she w
as getting used to the dull, doughy feeling consuming her, and quite liked it.
Just as she climbed into the back of Rob’s car, she realised she’d come with Raelene and Adrian. She hesitated and looked back.
‘It’s fine, Hannah, we’re all going to the same place,’ Raelene said, reading her mind. Seeing Beth getting into the back seat of their hire car made her feel better – they hadn’t been totally abandoned.
‘Is that the two policemen who came to the house?’ Hannah asked, pointing, as they made their way slowly through the car park and the throng of people.
‘Yes. I nearly didn’t recognise them out of uniform,’ Rob said.
‘Very good of them to come when they’re clearly on their days off,’ Sam said. ‘That’s unusual, don’t you think?’
‘Well, Adrian has had a bit to do with them this past week,’ Rob said.
‘I feel bad now I didn’t talk to them,’ Hannah said.
‘But you did, darling,’ Sam said, turning and smiling at Hannah.
She frowned, trying to remember. ‘It’s okay, you were very polite and even remembered to thank them for being so wonderful about delivering the news.’
‘Really?’
‘Really,’ Rob said. ‘You were great, Hann, really great.’
‘There were heaps of people there from work – mine and, um, Tris’s. I hope I thanked them all for coming.’
‘I’m pretty sure you did. And you’ll see most of them again at the house.’
‘God, I’m losing the plot,’ she muttered. ‘Thank goodness you were all there. And Graeme was directing me on what to do and when. He was so nice. It must be hard dealing with sad people day in day out.’
‘I think they’d find it rewarding, being so helpful at such a difficult but important time in people’s lives,’ Sam said.
‘Please don’t worry about what you might or might not have said or done, Hannah,’ said Rob. ‘It was a lovely service. And it’s okay that you’re a little out of it.’
‘That’ll be the drugs,’ said Sam.
‘Oh,’ said Rob. ‘Really?’
Hannah nodded sheepishly to his reflection.
‘Say no to drugs, kids,’ Sam said, smiling.
‘How do you know, anyway?’
‘Nothing escapes me, missy. Beth told me. She was worried she’d done the wrong thing.’
‘I don’t think I should have taken it.’
‘No, I think it’s the brandy on top that you probably shouldn’t have had.’
‘Yes, you’re probably right.’
‘Well, you got through the service, so it’s fine. You can relax now. This next bit should be a little easier. And you can go and hide out in your bedroom if you feel so inclined,’ Sam said. Hannah clasped the hand she held back between the seats. She leaned forward and put her hand briefly on Rob’s shoulder. He put his own over it and squeezed before returning it to the wheel. Hannah sat back and tried to swallow the lump forming again in her throat.
*
Beth herded Hannah, Adrian and Raelene into the lounge room as soon as they arrived back at the house.
‘Okay, now, you sit and have a rest in here for a bit and enjoy a cup of tea before the hordes arrive. I’m sure you must be exhausted,’ she said, handing them each a cup of tea. ‘You can stay here for the duration if you like and that way people can come to you. Unless of course you want to mingle. Entirely up to you. Listen to me being all bossy.’
They all sat. Hannah smiled up at Auntie Beth who was still able to play the part of gracious hostess despite the circumstances.
‘Thanks, Beth, that’s a good idea. I’m not sure I can move, I’m suddenly exhausted,’ Raelene said.
‘No, me neither,’ said Adrian. ‘Why don’t you join us, Beth, you must be nearly done in too.’
‘Yes, please, Auntie Beth,’ Hannah said, patting the couch beside her. ‘You were here early this morning getting things ready and you had all the stress of standing up and speaking.’
‘Do, please,’ Raelene said, holding a hand up to take hold of one of Beth’s. ‘You’ve done so much for us. Please sit for a moment and rest.’
‘You know, I think I will sit. But I’ll just get myself a cuppa first.’
‘No you won’t. Here, take mine. I’ll go and get another one,’ Adrian said. ‘I’m feeling the need to stretch my legs, anyway.’
‘Thank you, Adrian. I’m suddenly not sure I could move another step,’ Beth said.
‘I’m not surprised. The food looks amazing, Auntie Beth,’ Hannah said. ‘I peered into the kitchen on my way past. Thank you so much for everything. I don’t know what I would have done without …’
‘Ach, that’s enough,’ Beth said. ‘You’ve got to stop thanking me. I’m pleased to take care of you and do my bit.’
‘Much more than your bit, I’d say,’ Raelene said as she sipped on her tea.
‘I think I’ve seized up,’ Hannah said. ‘I really shouldn’t have taken that Valium. I’m sure it did help me to stay calm but I feel so spaced-out.’
‘Just don’t make the mistake of getting hooked on the stuff like I did,’ Raelene said. ‘After Scott died I was spaced-out for years. It was nice to not feel anything, but you miss out on the good things in life too. And there will be good things again, Hannah. You have to believe me.’
‘Did you have any counselling?’ Hannah asked.
‘No. There wasn’t a counselling service where we were. I’m not sure it would have been for me anyway. Counselling wasn’t as accepted then as it is now. Times have changed,’ Raelene said. ‘A support group might be more helpful than sitting talking to someone who might not have actually experienced it. But only you can know what you need.’
‘The best tonic for me after losing Elliott was a cup of tea and a chat with a dear friend,’ Beth said wistfully. ‘It doesn’t have to be someone who’s suffered loss, just someone who cares enough.’
‘Exercise and getting out in the fresh air also helped me,’ said Raelene. ‘Oh, and keeping busy – especially keeping the brain occupied.’
Beth nodded.
Their conversation ended as the first of the guests began trickling in to offer condolences and share their individual memories of Tristan and Daphne and Daniel White.
Chapter Nine
Hannah stood on the lawn next to Raelene as Adrian packed the hire car at the kerb. To say she was grateful for having had them stay for the past week, helping her organise the funeral, keeping her going through the wake yesterday, which had been so hard for her, and generally saving her from disappearing into her grief, was a massive understatement. Without them she might not have answered the door so many times. People were kind, but it was hard to thank them over and over and keep it together. And it was exhausting. Raelene had been able to offer such good advice – like urging Hannah to stay off the Valium. Last night she’d taken another one. While it was the first time Hannah had had anything like a decent night’s sleep since the accident, she’d felt terrible this morning. On top of everything else now, she felt hungover, and she hadn’t drunk any alcohol beyond some brandy in milk.
‘That’s how I felt for years,’ Raelene had said over breakfast when Hannah had mentioned her discomfort. ‘It’s the Valium.’
Hannah wondered why the drug was popular if it made you feel so bad. And it seemed to be widely used judging by how much the name was bandied about. She’d often heard it referred to yet in her family they’d rarely even taken paracetamol.
She wrapped her arm around Raelene as she thought about all they’d done for her. Without them she mightn’t have thought to check with her parents’ financial adviser to see if he’d handled life insurance policies for them, either. In doing so she’d also found out she could put in a claim straight away and not wait for probate, which apparently could take months. It might have occurred to her later when the fog in her mind cleared, but finding out now had put her mind at ease about paying for the funeral, as awful as it was to be in the situation
of putting in a claim at all. She’d known Tristan was insured. When they’d bought the house he’d insisted they take out policies to cover the mortgage at least, just in case something happened to one of them. She’d cried a whole new bucket of tears at being grateful for his foresight. He really had been a great provider. It was so heartbreaking that he hadn’t had the chance to prove it as a father.
Between Tristan’s and her parents’ insurance policies, Hannah had been stunned to learn how much she would end up with. It was a strange feeling to gain so much financially, materially, when she’d lost so much personally. She’d rather be penniless if she could have them back. The reality was she wouldn’t have to go back to work if she didn’t want to – at least for the next six months to a year. But she would. Raelene had made it clear that keeping busy had helped her after losing Scott. And Hannah agreed that it probably wasn’t a good idea to make any major decisions for the time being. Raelene had said a minimum of twelve months, but that seemed a very long time. She’d go back to work as planned. Having something normal to do among all this mess might help, as would being around people who cared.
People were so nice. She had to remember that in the coming days, weeks, months.
Reaching out to friends and not hiding away at home alone was another piece of advice Raelene had given her, though in the next breath she’d said travelling had also helped her.
Hannah was really going to miss them. They were flying to Adelaide and staying at their farm for a week or so to scatter Tristan’s ashes before flying back to Tasmania to continue their trip.
Hannah still wasn’t sure what she was to do with her parents’ remains. A few times she wondered if she’d done the right thing having them cremated, then she found herself getting annoyed with them for not sharing their wishes with her and leaving her with such a burden. And then she felt guilty – it wasn’t her parents’ fault they’d been killed. And she’d cry all over again.
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