Finding Hannah

by Fiona McCallum

  If only she could think of somewhere to go. She had her lovely puffy jacket and other warm accessories – perhaps she should focus on somewhere cold. Maybe then she’d start to feel again.

  It was something she couldn’t explain to anyone even if she tried – and it didn’t even make sense to herself. Of course she could feel, her senses just didn’t seem to feel the way they used to. She was always heading out with a cardigan when she didn’t need it or without one when she did. People were often asking her, ‘Aren’t you cold?’ or ‘Aren’t you hot?’ It would be good to feel temperature properly again – feel anything in the normal way again, for that matter.

  ‘Hmm. Definitely somewhere cold. I wish I knew what Mum and Dad and Tris were up to with those presents,’ Hannah said. She hadn’t given the gifts much thought since unwrapping them and making use of the gloves and scarf during winter. She’d tried the puffer jacket twice, but found it too warm.

  ‘Oh! I’d completely forgotten about them. Of course. Yes, if you go, it has to be to somewhere cold,’ Beth said, clapping her hands.

  ‘What are you talking about?’ Sam asked.

  ‘Oh, didn’t I tell you? It was a few months ago. Anyway, I got a call from the police to collect the stuff that was in the boot of Tristan’s car and it was mainly wrapped Christmas presents. Mum had knitted a pile of winter woollies and there were thermals and a purple puffer jacket.’

  ‘I can’t believe you didn’t tell me,’ Sam said.

  ‘I must have forgotten. Anyway, the three of them had clearly planned for us to go somewhere cold together, but I have no idea where or when.’ She shrugged.

  ‘I love a mystery,’ Caitlin chimed in, clasping her hands together on her lap. ‘Are there any other clues? Were there any other Christmas presents?’

  ‘Just this ladybird charm,’ Hannah said, holding out her arm.

  ‘Yes, I’ve been admiring it all year. It’s gorgeous.’ She inspected it more closely. ‘Oh,’ she said.

  ‘What?’ Hannah asked.

  ‘I could be completely wrong and it might just be a coincidence, but I don’t think that’s just any old ladybird – it’s a nine-spotted ladybug. We call them ladybirds, but they call them ladybugs. And, see, yours has nine spots?’ she added, pointing out nine black spots.

  ‘Yes?’ Hannah said.

  ‘Tristan was in finance, right?’ said Caitlin. ‘If this is a clue, I think he meant to take you to New York – most likely to see the Wall Street Stock Exchange. Maybe he was buttering you up for moving there for a job or something.’

  ‘Sorry, I’m not following,’ Sam said. ‘What’s New York and Wall Street got to do with the number of spots on a ladybird, ladybug, whatever you call them?’

  Good question, Hannah thought, but she was stuck a step behind even that – on trying to work out if Tristan would be so cryptic. They’d always just sat down and discussed things.

  ‘Since nineteen eighty-nine the nine-spotted ladybug has been an animal symbol of New York. I could be completely wrong about your ladybird being a clue, it could just be a coincidence.’

  ‘Wow,’ said Sam.

  ‘I’m not sure what to think,’ Hannah said.

  ‘How could you possibly know that?’ Joanne said with a laugh.

  ‘I have a memory for random, often totally useless facts,’ Caitlin said. ‘Even if I’m wrong with the connection, it would at least give you somewhere to visit. If it isn’t a clue, make it one! I can’t just go “the world is my oyster, where shall I go?” I need a purpose – like old buildings, famous landmarks or art galleries, train trips.’

  ‘Hmm. You know, I think I might just do it. Is it safe to book flights and accommodation online or should I go through a travel agent?’

  The older members of the group said they preferred to use a travel agent whereas Caitlin and Jasmine said they’d never had a problem with online bookings.

  ‘Thanks, everyone. Well, I might be off to New York for Christmas!’ Hannah said. She just hoped Sam wouldn’t be too upset with her no longer being available to help with preparing for the market stall in the New Year. That was probably why she was a little miffed.

  ‘Meanwhile, enough about me – who fancies playing charades?’

  Chapter Twenty-eight

  Hannah settled back into her seat against the plane’s window for the first leg of her trip and let out a sigh of relief. She could now see why travelling was considered so stressful. But it was also a bit exciting.

  She was organised, had gone through everything dozens of times, had read and followed all the instructions and tips on the airline’s and government’s travel information sites, scrolled through a heap of forums for advice and had left home feeling prepared – a little on edge, but okay.

  She stared out the tiny window and watched the suitcases being tossed from a trolley onto a conveyer belt and then disappear, glad Jasmine had warned her how little care would be taken and to wrap any liquid toiletries in plastic bags in case of breakage. She took a deep breath, trying to still her nerves, and looked across when she felt movement next to her.

  ‘Hello,’ an older woman dressed head to toe in hot pink said brightly.

  ‘Hi.’ Hannah tried to smile, but it was more of a grimace. ‘Sorry, I’m a bit nervous. I’ve never been on a plane before,’ she explained.

  ‘Never? Not one?’

  Hannah shook her head.

  ‘Well, I’ll be. Don’t worry, there’s nothing to fear,’ the woman said. ‘Qantas has the best safety record of any airline. We’ll be fine,’ she added, plucking a magazine from the seat pocket.

  Hannah took it as a sign their conversation was over. She looked out again to see if she could find her bag with its bright purple and white spotted ribbon on the trolley.

  There it is! At least she now knew her luggage would make it as far as Sydney. She’d discovered that was her greatest fear about travelling – ending up somewhere in a different climate with no luggage. Also thanks to Jasmine’s advice, she had packed some thermals and winter woollies and her necessary toiletries into the bag she carried on with her, in case the worst happened.

  Jasmine had been a wealth of information and it was only thanks to her that Hannah was as calm as she was. There had been so much to look into and organise, though she’d been grateful for this new, exciting project. And in true Hannah style she’d planned it all to a point only just on the healthy side of obsessive, fully encouraged by Jasmine.

  If there’s anything I’ve forgotten I’ll buy it, she’d told herself. It was another piece of advice from Jasmine to stop herself going through everything over and over in her mind. She could buy anything she needed in New York. Now she was seated she was free to look forward to this adventure.

  Wow, I’m really doing it. I’m really going to New York!

  She felt like shouting it to all the passengers filing in around her. She was starting to understand why people pushed themselves out of their comfort zone – it was exhilarating. But she’d better calm down – she had hours of sitting ahead of her. After all the rushing around and thinking she’d had to do, she was even looking forward to not having anything to do but sit, watch movies and read for hours on end. Hannah regularly marvelled at what a lifeline reading had become for her since Sam had given her that battered old novel on New Year’s Day. Hannah was now a confirmed bookworm and rarely went anywhere without a book in her handbag. If she hadn’t tried it, she’d never have believed just how therapeutic it could be to lose herself in the pages of someone else’s story for a few hours and forget about the harsh realities of her own life and circumstances.

  She felt weary looking back over the last year at all she’d lost and been through. But she was determined to stay upbeat and not give into any sadness – well, not in public, anyway.

  Alone, but not lonely, she reminded herself. It was something Joanne had said that had really struck a chord with Hannah and become another mantra for her. She had a group of wonderful friends just an email
or phone call away if she needed a pick-me-up. She often wondered how she’d cope if she didn’t have her little tribe around her.

  Now she was starting to feel herself living again, not just surviving.

  *

  Settling into her seat for the long leg to New York, after a short stopover, Hannah decided she liked taking off and landing the best. She didn’t find it frightening at all – she enjoyed the feeling of power beneath her, of being thrown back in her seat and then, eventually, the roar of the engines slowing the plane down. It was incredible how quickly the beast came back to an amble on the tarmac too. What was even more astonishing was that the machine got up and stayed in the air at all, but she didn’t want to think about it too much.

  *

  Outside it was completely black except for the blinking light on the end of the wing behind her. There was a collective gasp as the plane seemed to turn and then rise steeply. Hannah longed to ask the flight attendants what was happening, but didn’t want to be a nuisance. Anyway, she’d heard the announcement telling them to be seated for landing. But that was ages ago. What was going on?

  ‘Shit,’ she said, grabbing the armrest as the plane leapt. ‘Sorry,’ she said to her companion as he glanced at her, ‘I’m new to flying.’

  ‘Don’t worry, it’ll be fine,’ he said, flashing her a warm smile. ‘I fly a lot and have always arrived safely. There’s probably a snowstorm and we can’t land because of poor visibility or delays with another plane on our runway, or something. It happens all the time. Be grateful they’re keeping us safely in the air and not taking risks,’ he said with another smile, and returned to the folder of pages on his lap.

  ‘Okay. Thanks,’ she said. She now felt bad she hadn’t spoken to him for the past nineteen hours except to say, ‘Excuse me’ each time she’d needed to stretch her legs or get up for the bathroom.

  ‘Apologies, folks, there’s been a snowstorm, which has caused some delays on the ground. We’ll have you landed as soon as possible. Meanwhile, please stay in your seats with your seatbelts fastened.’

  It seemed only moments later that they had touched down and were making their way towards the terminal. Now she knew she was safe, Hannah felt a little thrill at seeing the snow piled up around them, lit by the many floodlights.

  ‘See, safe and sound,’ her companion said as he passed her bag to her from the overhead locker.

  ‘Thanks. Yes. Thank goodness.’

  Hannah felt like she’d been standing for ages waiting for her suitcase to arrive on the carousel. She was worried about keeping her private transfer driver waiting. Jasmine had assured her that the driver would keep an eye on her plane’s arrival time and be across any delays. Nonetheless, panic was just starting to rise within her when the bag appeared. She had to stop herself whooping with joy.

  ‘Welcome to the United States. Enjoy your stay,’ the uniformed man behind the immigration desk said curtly after handing back her stamped passport.

  ‘Thank you. I’m sure I will,’ she said and offered him a warm smile.

  Now Hannah had to find the driver. Please still be here waiting for me.

  She walked out into the crowded meeting area and scanned the sea of names printed on signs. Her heart began to race. And then out of the corner of her eye she noticed a man rushing from the other end of the hall, then holding up a small whiteboard with her name scrawled across it. She fought the overwhelming urge to throw herself into his arms and weep.

  ‘Hello. I’m Frankie,’ he said, taking her suitcase. ‘This way please.’

  As they left the terminal a blast of dry, icy wind hit Hannah’s face and made her gasp. She hurried on after Frankie across a car park, over and through small mounds of snow, feeling grateful for wearing waterproof hiking boots.

  ‘Here,’ he said, sliding open the door to a black people-mover. She really hoped he was a good driver in icy conditions.

  She was starting to feel calmer, but knew she wouldn’t feel at ease until she was safely checked into her hotel. Fingers crossed they hadn’t mucked up her booking. God, when had she become so damned pessimistic?

  It’s an exciting adventure. You’re so lucky to be able to do this, she told herself. Thousands of people would swap places with you. You’re just tired. Everything would be brighter in the morning after a decent night’s sleep, and then she’d enjoy exploring.

  Out of sheer nervousness, she itched to engage Frankie in conversation, but didn’t want to distract him. It was snowing and the road was chock full of traffic.

  Suddenly he was turning off the eight-lane road and then took a series of turns. The city loomed large, office towers brightly lit around them. Everything seemed so much bigger and taller and busier than Melbourne. And Melbourne didn’t have all the flashing neon signs, nor did it ever have snow heaped up on sidewalks. It was all very different, but at the same time a little familiar thanks to the American movies and TV shows she’d seen.

  ‘Good place to eat,’ Frankie said, pointing left just before making another turn. ‘I bring my family here.’

  ‘Great. Thanks. I’ll check it out,’ she said, taking note of the lit sign announcing Jerry’s Diner. She was just wondering how far it was from her hotel when she realised Frankie had pulled to a stop – the diner was just around the corner. Frankie helped her with her bag and Hannah checked in the van three times to make sure she hadn’t forgotten anything.

  The entrance to the hotel looked dark and nondescript. She’d have had trouble finding it on her own. She pressed a twenty dollar note – twice as much as she’d originally intended as a tip – into Frankie’s hand and thanked him profusely. Again, she desperately wanted to throw her arms around him, but resisted. With a friendly wave he hopped back in his van and drove off.

  A doorman in the foyer ushered her into the lift and took her up to the reception level.

  Hannah felt revived after a long, hot shower. She’d hoped she’d feel like going to bed, but she was now wide awake and hungry. Dare she venture out on her own to the diner or into Times Square? She peered out of her twenty-fourth floor window. In the glow of the streetlights she could see people the size of ants hurrying along the sidewalks, picking their way between mounds of snow.

  She got rugged up, and headed out, clutching her folded map with the hotel circled in red, to try a burger from a genuine American diner.

  Chapter Twenty-nine

  No wonder it’s nicknamed the city that never sleeps, Hannah thought, standing on a corner in the middle of Times Square surrounded by bright lights flashing and changing colour. She found herself drawn here every night to watch as people bustled all about her – even at almost midnight – all rugged up like the Michelin Man against the cold. And it seemed they weren’t just rushing to get home, but shopping and heading to dinner or a show. There was so much to see that at times she found herself standing and staring in awe and wonder at it all – especially the magnificent Christmas tree.

  She loved how free and safe she felt. Despite being a born and bred Melbournian, she would never be in the city alone late at night wandering aimlessly, as she was doing in New York.

  One of the things about travelling alone that Hannah didn’t like was that you couldn’t get great photos of yourself. She hadn’t really got the hang of selfies, and anyway, that wasn’t quite the same. But she did have a few of herself in Times Square surrounded by the lights and with Cookie Monster and Elmo from Sesame Street. There was a whole collection of people dressed up as characters from various shows. She’d been reluctant to hand over her mobile phone to one of the characters to take photos, but everyone else seemed to be doing it. She felt silly when she’d thanked them and walked away only to be curtly told by the woman inside the Cookie Monster suit that they were doing it for tips.

  ‘Oh, I’m so sorry, I didn’t realise,’ she said as she put a couple of dollars into the outstretched paws. She’d thought it was a promotion and they were paid actors. Hannah didn’t mind – they’d been nice and had ta
ken a couple of photos of her with each of them.

  ‘Ah, Aussie, where you from?’ the woman asked.

  ‘Melbourne.’

  ‘Ah, Melbourne. Good. Enjoy New York.’

  ‘Thanks very much. I am.’ And then they were off with a wave of their colourful paws.

  Hannah headed back to her hotel with a smile on her face. What fun!

  The following morning she did a hop-on hop-off bus tour of Manhattan and got a great sense of the scale of the city. One of her favourite sights was the triangular Flatiron building. It was called that, the bubbly tour guide explained in his wonderful New York drawl, because from the air it looked like the underside of a clothes iron.

  ‘Am-I-right?’ he said, as if it was just one word. Hannah wasn’t sure if it was a common New York saying or just his trademark. Regardless, she could have listened to his dulcet tones all day and he seemed to know everything about this city he so obviously loved. Hannah showed her appreciation with a decent tip at the end of the tour, as requested. What fun! was becoming Hannah’s new catchcry.

  Over the next few days, with her map and metro ticket, Hannah went back over much of the route of the tourist bus to enjoy the sights at her own pace. She also visited the must-sees from Jasmine and Caitlin’s lists and generally explored the city while hunting for the perfect souvenirs. It really was a great city to walk around, just as Caitlin and Jasmine said it would be – although she had to be careful because the ice on the sidewalks was very slippery. The trick was to not rush or change direction quickly.

  Hannah found the subway brilliant too, though she often struggled with the directions of trains going up and down town, and then which exit to take from the station. Sometimes when this confusion mixed with tiredness and strong emotions, tears rose to the surface. One day she’d embarrassed herself by bursting into tears when a woman stopped to offer help. It was made worse because this older woman reminded Hannah of Auntie Beth. Thank goodness the lady hadn’t put her arm around her, she’d have dissolved for sure.