by Annie Boone
Albert closed his eyes, unable to fight back tears. As his sadness gathered, he realized that there was so many different emotions running through him. With all of their differences, Horace Barnesdale was his father. There was no way he would ever focus on their arguments before he gave the man the due that a father deserved. He was devastated that his father was gone.
Albert was also full of consuming regret. After their final dispute he just couldn’t bring himself to try to make amends with his father. Even if his father had laughed and slammed the door in his face, he would have had the consolation that he had sought to heal their relationship. Now he was sure that the guilt he was feeling would probably never leave him.
Helen held him close, rocking him soothingly. She was a comfort to him, that was for sure, not even her love and care would save him from the anguish he was feeling. He regretted not sharing more about his father with her. What if she had been able to figure out a solution? What if she had been able to bridge the gap?
“Will you stay with me for a while, Helen? I don’t think I can be alone right now.”
“Of course, Albert. I wouldn’t think of leaving you alone to get through this by yourself,” she answered.
“I just can’t believe he’s gone and I’ll never have the chance to reconcile with him. I just don’t even have the words to explain how that feels,” he said.
“I’m sure he loved you. He was a different sort, but he must have loved you to want so much success for you.”
“I imagine you’re right, but I’ll never be able to prove to him that accepting God’s call is the right decision for me. I believed that when he saw the good I will do, he would understand. And I thought that eventually he’d be proud.”
Helen nodded gently. She didn’t have much insight into the father-son relationship because Albert shielded her from it. She never pushed him to know more and now he wished she had. If she had asked questions, he would have probably told her more and now she would be able to give helpful input as he grieved.
“I know I never told you how things happened the last time I saw him. The main thing is that I regret that this was the last conversation I’ll ever have with him. I hate it so badly that it was contentious.”
“Being disowned isn’t something most people would want to share. Even with good friends. I understand,” Helen replied.
“I just can’t believe he’s gone. As long as he was still alive there was a chance I’d see him again. Talk to him again. Have another chance to make him proud of me.”
Through his rambling, Helen stayed with him. She allowed him to talk through this initial shock and pain, offering support as needed and silent support as needed. Her reaction to this tragedy was perfect, even if Albert was too upset to recognize it at the time.
“Thank you for telling me, Helen,” he eventually managed to say. He carefully backed out of her embrace and stared into her eyes, which were also reddened, wet and puffy from crying. “You’ve been wonderful and I’m so glad I had you with me to hear this news.”
She nodded and wiped another tear from her wet cheek.
It was then that Albert realized that she was crying, too. “You’re crying. You’re upset by this news?”
She nodded and he asked, truly baffled, “Why?”
Helen shrugged slowly before she replied with earnest intent, “I know I never met him. He might not have ever even wanted to meet me. That hurt a little, but mainly it hurt because I wanted to meet your family. This hurts me because I love you. When you hurt, so do I. You’re my family. That makes him my family, too.”
She gave him a small, careful smile after seeing him brighten just a little with her comment. He reached out for her and hugged her again.
“Thank you,” Albert replied. “You know, my father wasn’t a very nice person, personally or professionally. Despite everything he was, I will always love him. It makes me happy to know I won’t be the only one who mourn him.” He looked her in the eyes and nodded. “As difficult as he was, I have heard that at one time he was a good man. The goodness was hidden deep down under the greed, but it was there.”
Understanding him, Helen nodded, “I wish you’d had the chance to enjoy that good man as an adult. That was his choice, though, Albert. It wasn’t your fault. I believe that one day you’ll get to tell him everything you didn’t get to tell him before he died.”
Albert nodded, wanting to be comforted by this before he answered a simple, “Thank you, Helen.”
The two dropped to the steps of the porch and sat together. They held hands and sat silently until Pastor Keller came out to join them.
He simply put his hand on Albert’s shoulder as he sat down beside him. No words were needed.
Flanked by two of the most important people in his life, Albert felt loved and supported. It was the best he could hope for at this time in his life. Losing his father to death was having a stronger impact on him than he thought it could.
The first few days after his father’s death were difficult. The real difficulties came after the funeral service. Albert was stricken with grief that his father was gone. It seemed that the news was finally sinking in. His shock and grief had been sheer emotion, but now reality was hitting home.
The guilt and grief Albert thought he would start to heal from, only began to worsen. He was back to work and back to life, but everything was different now. His joy for life was greatly diminished.
While he waited for the executor of the will to make preparations for the reading, Albert rapidly began to lose sleep. Riddled with anguish about all that was going on, he stopped eating. He went through his days like he was in a fog.
The vibrancy of his faith and his plan for a ministry began to falter. He couldn’t understand how God could allow his father’s life to end like this. With no chance to say goodbye and make things right, Albert was left to carry the burden alone.
Parson Keller noticed Albert’s decline and his grief was evident in most all he did. He carried on with his responsibilities at church, but his inner light had dimmed.
On Tuesday, two weeks after Horace Barnesdale’s funeral, Albert was at church to meet his partner to visit at the hospital. He was pacing in the sanctuary when Parson Keller walked in.
“Good day, Albert,” greeted the parson. “It’s a nice day to be out and about, isn’t it?”
“I suppose so. There’s no rain, at least,” replied Albert. His tone was almost glum. This was certainly not the attitude that would help the sick and afflicted in the hospital feel uplifted and hopeful.
“Albert, I think we need to talk. I mean really talk, not just beat around the bush, about what’s going on with you.”
“What do you mean, Parson? I’m doing all right. I’m grieving, but it’s a process to heal from the death of a parent.” Albert wasn’t defensive, but he wasn’t completely ready to lay it all on the line with his mentor and friend.
“You most definitely are entitled to time for grieving. That’s a given. I think there may be something more going on here, though. If so, we need to get to the bottom of it. You can’t let whatever’s bothering you fester to the point where it will destroy you.”
“I’m not sure what you even mean,” replied Albert.
“Your ministry is an important part of this community, Albert. Never forget that. But what I see when I look at you now is a man who is in distress. What I saw a month ago was a man on fire for the Lord.”
“Are you saying that you think my faith is compromised? I can’t believe you’d say something like that to me,” replied Albert. His voice shook with hurt, anger, and fear.
“Now hold on. I’m saying nothing of the sort. I mean that I think there’s more going on related to your father’s death than grief. I can imagine how tough it must be to handle his death when you were on the outs when he died. But Albert, none of this was your fault. We’ve all told you that and you need to think about this logically.”
Albert hung his head. He was deep in thought. “
I’m sorry for snapping at you. This whole thing does have me tied in knots. I’m feeling grief, for sure. I think what’s taking me down is the guilt.”
“I thought as much.”
“I feel so much remorse that I didn’t go back and try to make things right when he disowned me.”
“Are you feeling this because you think it would have saved his life? From everything I heard about his death, it was a freak accident. Nothing you did or didn’t do could have changed that.”
“No, it’s not that. I know that our disagreement didn’t have anything to do with how or when he died. It’s just that if I had made the effort to go back and try to reconcile, it’s possible that we wouldn’t have been estranged. The way it stands now, we will be estranged forever.”
“I can see where that’s hard to handle. You must remember that relationships go two ways. You weren’t the only one responsible,” said the parson gently.
“I know,” Albert conceded. “But I had more than a week. I did nothing. I let it go thinking that this was how it had to be. But it didn’t. Now it’s too late.”
“There’s no way you could have known that your chances would run out.”
“All the more reason I should have tried to do something. I know these things. We’re not promised tomorrow, yet I carried on like I had unlimited time. I don’t think I’ll ever get over that.”
“Maybe you won’t. But you will learn to live with it. You’ll have a chance to look at it from some distance and I’m sure your logic will help you move past it,” said Pastor Keller.
“I hope you’re right.”
The parson nodded. “In the meantime, there are people who need you. You need to come out of this fog for them. You also owe it to yourself to forgive yourself. God’s forgiveness is wide and complete. Follow His lead.”
Albert nodded. He had received the message Parson Keller had wanted him to understand. He felt like he had taken a step in the right direction, but he had a ways to go yet.
After the parson left him to go about his work for the day, he sat quietly in the last pew. He had never struggled with his faith, before. No matter what happened throughout his life, he had always leaned on God to get through. When his father was disapproving and unavailable, he trusted that God had a bigger plan.
Yet now, when he needed strength and trust in God the most, he couldn’t seem to find it. He knew it wasn’t gone. He still believed. He knew he had to give all his worries to the Lord and have full trust that He would resolve them. Knowing what he had to do and getting to the point where he could do it were two different things.
Even in his darkest hour, Helen was with him. She was a rock and a guiding light. She may not have realized it, but her belief in him was leading him back to who he was. Her patience and love would get him through.
She saw him every day. Never did she miss a day to spend time with him. She forced him to do more than brood. When she found out he wasn’t eating, she made sure he did. She saw that he was trying to go about his ministry and she encouraged and supported every effort.
Though she was there for him, she didn’t push him to talk. Albert had told her that Parson Keller had talked to him. He also told her new knew he needed to get back to his life. Back to his ministry. There was something holding him back. He was only going through the motions.
On the day that the will was to be read, Albert was jittery and out of sorts. Helen must have known that something was even more off this day than usual. She coaxed him gently, urging him to talk about all the issues bothering him.
“Albert, you seem more on edge today than usual. Would you like to talk about it?”
“Not really. I know I need to, but I don’t think I’m ready.”
Finally, she asked, “Does it have to do with your father’s estate?”
“No,” his voice was gruff, unkind. “It has nothing to do with the estate. I don’t care what I get from him. I never really wanted anything to do with his money in life, why would I want it in death?”
Helen took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “You know, Albert, I don’t really like the tone of your voice with me. I understand that you’ve suffered a great loss under extremely difficult circumstances. I understand your grief and pain. But, I don’t appreciate such a nasty tone from you when all I’m trying to do is help.”
He looked at her and his expression softened. “I’m sorry, Helen. You’re right. You’ve done so much for me. I’m just struggling with everything. I don’t know how to get out of this circle of emotions.”
“So what emotion is the biggest pain?”
Albert went to turn away from her and she caught his hand pulling him back. She insisted in a confident voice, “Albert, you can tell me anything. I want you to be honest with me as I am always honest with you.”
He sighed and looked up at the ceiling. It took several long minutes as he thought about his response. “I just can’t help but wonder how God could allow my father to leave me before I had a chance to reconcile with him. I know it’s not my place to question God, but this is something I don’t understand. I’m afraid I never will.”
“I think it’s fine to have questions. It’s reasonable to not understand God’s plan. Being angry or thinking God made a mistake is when you get into trouble.”
Albert sighed. “I know you’re right. I just feel ashamed for having these questions. It’s bad enough that I’m struggling to deal with my father’s death and the timing of it. When I have all these questions, it makes me worry that I’m losing a grip on my faith.”
Helen just smiled understandingly and encouraged him, “You and I both know that even though bad things happen there is always a reason. God does have a plan for your life. You might not see it yet, but it does exist. He has something wonderful planned for you.”
Albert thought about this for a moment. “Do you really think so?”
Helen nodded and then grasped his hand, “Now, come on. You have to face the reading of the will today. No matter what happens today, you have a purpose. Nothing that has happened in the last month will change that.”
“I really wish I didn’t have to go hear his will being read. I don’t want to know any of it.”
“I know, but you have to do this. It’s one of those steps that helps you face the future. You need to be able to put all this behind you. So let’s go.”
He nodded and followed her out the door.
***
“I’m so sorry, Albert,” said Arthur Billingsly after he’d read Horace Barnesdale’s will out loud.
Albert was surprised by what his father had done. His father had delivered a final low blow from his grave. He was trying to sort through his feelings about what he’d just learned. It wasn’t what he’d expected.
“It’s fine, Art. You’re only doing your job.” Albert smiled dimly at the man in an effort to sooth his worry.
“I tried to talk him out of this, but he was adamant,” said the lawyer. He was clearly in distress over having to give this news to his client’s son. “He came in and said he wanted to make a change. He told me you’d had an argument and that he was cutting you out effective immediately.”
“We did have a falling out,” replied Albert.
“I told him he shouldn’t make these kinds of decisions in haste or with emotions. He told me to mind my own business and earn my money,” Art Billingsly said. He chuckled quietly. “That was so like him.”
“Yes, I can hear him saying it,” responded Albert.
“I think he’d changed his mind, though, Albert. It doesn’t matter now, but I think he had. He sent word that he would be in to talk about his will again. He had an appointment for the day he died. I’m certain he was going to change it back. Now it’s too late. I wish there was something I could do.”
“Honestly, Art, knowing that he had changed his mind is enough for me. I’m at peace about this,” replied Albert. “Don’t be upset.”
Albert reached for the man’s hand, shook it, and turne
d to Helen. “Let’s get going,” he said to her with a small smile.
Albert and Helen stood on the sidewalk outside the Billingsly Law Offices. Face to face with their hands linked between them, they smiled at each other.
“I can’t believe he did that,” said Helen. “To say that you’d disobeyed his wishes by choosing a do-gooder hobby over a real career is cruel. And short-sighted. He just didn’t understand.”
“No, he didn’t understand, Helen. I tried to explain my faith to him many times and he brushed it aside. He didn’t have the ability to see a situation from someone else’s point of view. His opinion was the only one that mattered.”
“One sided and cruel,” she said again, shaking her head.
“It makes me sad that he thinks I slapped his face with my work. It’s heartbreaking to me to find this proof that he thought doing God’s work was lowly. The state of his heart, so hard and unyielding, it’s just depressing. It’s hard to think that my father was that kind of man, even though I saw evidence of that my whole life.”
“He did make another appointment. If Mr. Billingsly is right, then he had a change of heart, Albert. I’m sure he was going to reach out to you to make amends. That’s the part I think you should focus on,” said Helen.
Albert nodded and started toward the carriage.
Once they were headed back toward Helen’s house Albert spoke. “I feel better about all of this, Helen. I know I’ve been so difficult. It’s just been so hard to deal with all the conflicting emotions. I’m disappointed in myself that I hurt my father. Clearly my choices hurt him. I didn’t see that at the time and I wish I had.”
“Yes, I understand that. Think about how he was with you, though. With everyone. He didn’t inspire you to be open and honest with him. You did the best you could,” she responded.
“The guilt is lessening a bit. He got his revenge, I suppose,” laughed Albert.