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CHAPTER 9
Farmer Fred opened his door and saw all the animals of Furry Bottom waiting for him. “We cant find Mr Bunnsy or Ratty Rupert!” they cried. - From Mr Bunnsy Has An Adventure At last! said Malicia, shaking the ropes off. Somehow I thought rats would gnaw quicker.
They used a knife, said Keith. And you could say thank you, couldnt you?
Yes, yes, tell them Im very grateful, said Malicia, pushing herself upright. Tell them yourself!
Im sorry, I find it so embarrassing to… talk to rats.
I suppose thats understandable, said Keith. If youve been brought up to hate them because they-
Oh, its not that, said Malicia, walking over to the door and looking at the keyhole. Its just that its so… childish. So… tinkly-winkly. So… Mr Bunnsy.
Mr Bunnsy? squeaked Peaches, and it really was a squeak, a word that came out as a sort of little shriek. What about Mr Bunnsy? said Keith. Malicia reached into her pocket and pulled out her packet of bent hair pins. Oh, some books some silly woman wrote, she said, poking at the lock. Stupid stuff for ickle kids. Theres a rat and a rabbit and a snake and a hen and an owl and they all go around wearing clothes and talking to humans and everyones so nice and cosy it makes you absolutely sick. Dyou know my father kept them all from when he was a kid? Mr Bunnsy Has An Adventure, Mr Bunnsys Busy Day, Ratty Rupert Sees It Through… he read them all to me when I was small and theres not an interesting murder in any of them.
I think youd better stop, said Keith. He didnt dare look down at the rats. Theres no sub-texts, no social commentary… Malicia went on, still fiddling. The most interesting thing that happens at all is when Doris the Duck loses a shoe - a duck losing a shoe, right? - and it turns up under the bed after theyve spent the entire story looking for it. Do you call that narrative tension? Because I dont. If people are going to make up stupid stories about animals pretending to be human, at least there could be a bit of interesting violence…
Oh, boy, said Maurice, from behind the grating. This time Keith did look down. Peaches and Dangerous Beans had gone. You know, I never had the heart to tell them, he said, not to anyone in particular. They thought it was all true.
In the land of Furry Bottom, possibly, said Malicia, and stood up as the lock gave a final click. But not here. Can you imagine someone actually invented that name and didnt laugh? Lets go.
You upset them, said Keith. Look, shall we get out of here before the rat-catchers come back? said Malicia. The thing about this girl, Maurice thought, was that she was no good at all at listening to the way people spoke. She wasnt much good at listening, if it came to that. No, said Keith. No what?
No, Im not coming with you, said Keith. Theres something bad going on here, much worse than stupid men stealing food. Maurice watched them argue again. Humans, eh? Think theyre lords of creation. Not like us cats. We know we are. Ever see a cat feed a human? Case proven. How the humans shout, hissed a tiny voice in his head. Is that my conscience? Maurice thought. His own thoughts said: what, me? No. But I feel a lot better now you told them about Additives. He shifted uneasily from paw to paw. Well then, he whispered, looking at his stomach, is that you, Additives? Hed been worried about that ever since hed realized hed eaten a Changeling. They had voices, right? Supposing you ate one? Suppose their voice stayed inside you? Suppose the… the dream of Additives around inside him? That sort of thing could seriously interfere with a cats napping time, it really could. No, said the voice, like the sound of wind in distant trees, it is I. I am… SPIDER. Oh, youre a spider? whispered thought-Maurice. I could take on a spider with three paws tied behind my back. Not a spider. SPIDER. The word actually hurt. It hadnt before. Now Im in your HEAD, cat. Cats, cats, bad as dogs, worse than rats. Im in your HEAD, and I will never go AWAY. Maurices paw jerked.
Ill be in your DREAMS. Look, Im just passing through, Maurice whispered desperately. Im not looking for trouble. Im unreliable! Im a cat! I wouldnt trust me, and I am me! Just let me get into the nice fresh air and Ill be right out of your… hair or legs or furry bits or whatever! You dont want to run AWAY. Thats right, thought Maurice, I dont want to run-Hold on, I do want to run away! Im a cat! he muttered. No rat is going to control me. Youve tried! Yes, came the voice of Spider, but then you were STRONG. Now your little mind runs in circles and wants someone else to do the thinking for it. I can think for you. I can think for EVERYONE. I will always be with you. The voice faded away. Right, thought Maurice. Time to say farewell, then, Bad Blintz. The party is over. The rats have got lots of other rats and even these two humans have got one another, but Ive just got me and Id like to get me somewhere where strange voices dont talk to me. scuse me, he said, raising his voice. Are we going or what? The two humans turned to look at the grating. What? said Keith. Id prefer going, said Maurice. Pull this grating out, will you? Its rusted right through, it shouldnt be a problem. Good lad. And then we can make a run for it-
Theyve called in a rat piper, Maurice, said Keith. And the Clan is all over the place. Hell be here in the morning. A real rat piper, Maurice. Not a fake one like me. They have magical pipes, you know. Do you want to see that happen to our rats? His new conscience gave Maurice a good kicking. Well, not exactly see, he said reluctantly. Not as such, no.
Right. So were not going to run away, said Keith. Oh? And what are we going to do, then? said Malicia. Were going to talk to the rat-catchers when they come back, said Keith. He had a thoughtful look. And what makes you think theyll want to talk to us?
Because if they dont talk to us, said Keith,theyre going to die. It was twenty minutes later that the rat-catchers arrived. The door of their hut was unlocked, thrown back, then slammed shut. Rat-catcher 2 bolted it, as well. You know where you said it was going to be such a good evening? he said, leaning against it and panting. Tell me about it again, cos I think I missed that part.
Shut up, said Rat-catcher 1. Someone punched me in the eye.
Shut up.
And I think I lost my wallet. Thats twenty dollars I wont see again in a hurry.
Shut up.
And I wasnt able to pick up any of the surviving rats from the last fight!
Shut up.
And we left the dogs behind, too! We couldve stopped to untie em! Someonell pinch em.
Shut up.
Do rats often whizz through the air like that? Or is that the kind of thing you only get to hear about when you are a hexperienced rat-catcher?
Did I say shut up?
Yes.
Shut up. All right, well leave right now. Well take the money and nick a boat down at the jetty, OK? Well leave the stuff we havent sold and just go.
Just like that? Johnny No Hands and his lads are coming upriver tomorrow night to pick up the next load and-
Well go, Bill. I can smell things going bad.
Just like that? He owes us two hundred doll-
Yes! Just like that! Time to move on! The jig is up, the bird has flown, and the cat is out of the bag! The-Did you say that?
Say what?
Did you just say “I wish I was”?
Me? No. The rat-catcher looked around the shed. There was no-one else there. All right, then, he said. Its been a long
night. Look, when things start to go bad, then its time to go away. Nothing fancy. We just go, right? I dont want to be here when people come looking for us. And I dont want to meet any of them rat pipers. They are sharp men. They pry around. And they cost a lot of money. People are going to ask questions, and the only question I want them to ask is “Where did the rat-catchers go?” Understand? Its a good man who knows when to quit. Whats in the kitty-? What did you say?
What, me? Nothing. Cup of tea? You always feel better after a cup of tea.
Didnt you say “kitty yourself”? Rat-catcher 1 demanded. I just asked if you wanted a cup of tea! Honest! Are you all right? Rat-catcher 1 stared at his friend, as if trying to see a lie in his face. Then he said, Yeah, yeah. Im fine. Three sugars, the
n.
Thats right, said Rat-catcher 2, spooning it in. Keep up the blood sugar. You have to look after yourself. Rat-catcher 1 took the mug, sipped the tea, and stared at the swirling surface. How did we get into this? he said. I mean, all this! Yknow? Sometimes I wake up in the night and think, its stupid, this, and then I come to work and it all seems, well, sensible. I mean, stealin stuff and blaming it on the rats, yes, and breeding big tough rats for the rat pits and bringing back the ones that survive so we can breed even bigger rats, yes, but… I dunno… I didnt used to be the kind of bloke that ties up kids…
Weve made a big wad of cash, though.
Yeah. Rat-catcher 1 swirled the tea in his mug and took another drink. Theres that, I suppose. Is this a new tea?
No, its just Lord Green, like normal.
Tastes a bit different. Rat-catcher 1 drained the mug and put it on the bench. OK, lets get the-
Thats about enough, said a voice overhead. Now, stand still and listen to me. If you run away, youll die. If you talk too much, youll die. If you wait too long, youll die. If you think youre smart, youll die. Any questions? A few wisps of dust drifted down from the rafters. The rat-catchers looked up, and saw a cat face peering down. Its that kids damn mog! said Rat-catcher 1. I told you it was looking at me in a funny way!
If I was you, I wouldnt look at me, said Maurice, conversationally. Id look at the rat poison. Rat-catcher 2 turned to look at the table. Here, who stole some of the poison? he said. Oh, said Rat-catcher 1, who was a much faster thinker. Steal it? said the cat on high. We dont steal. Thats thieving. We just put it somewhere else.
Oh, said Rat-catcher 1, sitting down suddenly. Thats dangerous stuff! said Rat-catcher 2, looking for something to throw. You had no business touching it! You tell me where it is right now! There was a thump as the trapdoor in the floor slammed back. Keith stuck his head up, and then came up the ladder while the rat-catchers watched in amazement. He was holding a crumpled paper bag. Oh dear, said Rat-catcher 1. What have you done with the poison? Rat-catcher 2 demanded. Well, said Keith, now that you mention it, I think I put most of it in the sugar… Darktan woke up. His back was on fire and he couldnt breathe. He could feel the weight of the traps jaw pressing down on him, and the dreadful bite of the steel teeth on his belly. I shouldnt be alive, he thought. I wish I wasnt… He tried to push himself upwards, which made it worse. The pain came back a little stronger as he sagged down again. Caught like a rat in a trap, he thought. I wonder what type it is? Darktan? The voice was a little way off. Darktan tried to speak, but every tiny movement pushed him further into the teeth below him. Darktan? Darktan managed a faint squeak. Words hurt too much. Feet scrabbled forward in the dry darkness. Darktan! It smelled like Nourishing. Gnh, Darktan managed, trying to turn his head. Youre caught in a trap! That was too much for Darktan, even if every word was agony. Oh… really? he said. Ill go and fetch S-sardines, shall I? stammered Nourishing.
Darktan could smell the rats panic begin. And there wasnt time for panic. No! Tell… me… he panted, … what… kind… of… trap?
The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rodents Page 17