"And you are not it," she whispered.
She unzipped and opened the main compartment of the case. The computer was shiny silver with the Apple logo marking the cover of the laptop. To the side of the computer were a number of USB zip drives. She ran her hand over the computer, silently debating for a minute before zipping the compartment closed again
Once more a quick, guilty, glance back before undoing the last set of zippers and revealing a series of deep pockets. From one of the pockets she pulled an iPod. She turned it on and flipped through the covers of the albums. She gave herself a silent pat on the back for not freaking out when she saw that most of them were her favorites.
While not freaking out, she could not stifle the gasp at the site of what was in the next pocket. Her hands once again trembling, she picked up the dog-eared paperback. She recognized the book at once. She had a copy of the book in her own carry-on. She had no doubt what she would see if she were to flip open the cover. She decided against doing just that and set aside the copy of Tom Sawyer and examined the remaining contents of the case. The only other occupants were four hard-back journals, each a different color. One was sea-foam green, another royal blue, another blood red and the final one was black. She ran a hand over the covers, closed her eyes and smiled. Suede, she'd always loved the feel of it.
She picked up the green one, placed her hands against the cover and rubbed it softly. Paige pursed her lips for a moment before nodding to herself. She ran a thumb along the edge of the pages, fanning them a bit. The pages in the back were blank, but she saw there was writing in the first third or so of the book. She let the cover close.
Paige licked her lips, but they still felt dry. She began to open the cover and then stopped, started again and then stopped once more when she felt his presence. She turned her head just a fraction and saw Nathan watching her from the aisle. A startled shiver raced through her and Paige dropped the book.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
"No," Nathan said quickly. "It's okay."
Paige picked up the book and looked up at him hesitantly, not quite meeting his eyes.
Nathan slipped into his seat next to her. He reached for the journal and Paige let go before his fingers touched hers. He ran his hand over the cover, just as she had only moments ago. He saw that her hands had again begun to tremble a bit. Once more, she gripped the armrests.
"Really," he began in a soft tone. "I'm not upset at all. I guess...I guess in a way you should see these. I mean, they were written to you."
"Written to me? By who?"
"Me," Nathan answered. "After...after you were gone, I had a really rough time dealing with things. God, that is such an understatement. I was totally screwed up. I didn't know who to turn to. I went to see a shrink to..."
Paige tensed and Nathan let out a short laugh.
"Please don't worry. I told you, I am not crazy."
She met his eyes this time and he had to laugh again at the expression on her face.
"Yeah I know, how many crazy people actually think they are, right?"
She nodded.
"Well, I was close to cracking. I don't doubt that. It was the hardest time of my life and I don't doubt that if things had continued on the way they were then I may well have completely lost it. The funny thing is that it was thoughts of you that made me remember Dr. McKay."
"I suppose he was my doctor? I am the crazy one?"
This time Nathan's laugh was full of genuine amusement.
"No, not at all. He was just someone new in town. You had met him at Dan Fiori's little vegetable stand. When I went to see him, he told me you were one of the sweetest people he'd met. How did he term it?"
Nathan bit his lip as he tried to remember. Finally he reached over and withdrew the black journal from the case. He flipped through the first few pages.
"He told me how sorry he was for my loss. Told me what a wonderful woman he thought you were. Let me see if I can recall his words. She had made me feel instantly welcomed and accepted, even before knowing who I was. And even after I told her what I did. The strangest thing was that she reminded me of my mother. The simple notion of kindness to a stranger, even if it was something as simple as telling me how to tell a good tomato from a bad one. Living in the city for so long you can sometimes forget there is a thing called common courtesy. Your wife reminded me that it still existed," Nathan read from the journal.
"You came home and told me about meeting him. I remember laughing when you said he'd seemed embarrassed to admit what he did for a living. And then..."
Paige looked over at him, a sad smile of remembrance played upon his lips.
"Sorry," he said, shaking himself free of the past. "As I was saying, I went to see him afterwards."
She stiffened a little, but said nothing.
"He was quite surprised by every...anyway. He said a lot of things that day, not much of which I understood or likely even believed. I think he knew I wouldn't be coming back to see him on any kind of regular basis, but he made sure I understood that I couldn't keep everything bottled up inside. In the end it was the journals. Well it actually started with a letter. After that it turned into the journals. And like I said, I suppose that they are for you, because you are the one I write to and about in these," he said patting the journals.
"I don't know if reading them right away, especially here is the best thing," Nathan said as he stacked the journals in front of her. "But they were meant for you, so..."
Paige looked at the journals and shook her head. She didn't think she was ready for whatever revelations might lie within.
"Nathan, I don't have a clue what is happening here. I know I am not crazy."
He opened his mouth to respond, but she silenced him with a raised hand.
"I don't think you are crazy either. The woman in those photographs does look like me, exactly like me. I can not deny that, but I know she is not me. I am not her."
"But..."
She again silenced him with a wave of her hand.
"I do not know what to think. I don't have any explanations or theories. I am sure you have a million things you would like to tell me or ask me, but I can't deal with this right now. I do not know if I have any of the answers you are looking for or not. What I do know is that I am this far from a complete breakdown," she said, holding up her hand with her thumb and index finger only centimeters apart. "I need some time to think about this. Some time to try and process it all. Can you understand that?"
Nathan nodded.
"I want answers too. As much as I would like to simply walk away from you and all this, I know I can't. These," Paige said, pulling out his wallet and looking at the pictures once more. "These scare the hell out of me. What you have said scares the hell out of me. And what you have not said scares me even more. I think I need to know the answers to all this even more than you do. Who was she? Why was she pretending to be me?"
She turned and looked out the window. She tried to slow her breathing and wiped at the tears threatening to spill from her eyes.
"Just not now. I can't deal with it yet. I need a little time. Please."
The sound of her voice, barely on the edge of control, barely holding back the trapped anguish, was almost more than Nathan could take.
"Take all the time you need," he finally managed in a dry whisper.
Paige leaned her head against the window and closed her eyes against the steady stream of white. Nathan leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes as well. In less then ten minutes exhaustion finally won over and he was snoring softly.
She turned and looked at him. He looked so peaceful.
"I do not know you," she said to herself.
She noticed the Wi-Fi logo on the back of the headrest of the seat in front of her. It seemed to be calling to her. She glanced from her watch to the logo, then at Nathan and finally back to the logo. She thought for a minute, chewing on her lower lip and then pulled out Nathan's computer and dug out the instructions for the inflight Wi-Fi.
CHAPTER TWELVE
Cameron Kassar looked down at the flashing light on the phone. He read the caller ID and frowned, it was much too soon for her to be calling. He picked up the phone and pressed the button next to the flashing light. "This is Kassar, go ahead Linda. She hasn't arrived already, has she?"
"No and apparently she won't be any time soon." There was an edge to her voice and Cameron couldn't decide if it was nervousness or barely contained anger. Perhaps it was both.
"Explain."
"Not much to tell. I never received a call during her layover and now I've received an email from her. It said for me not to bother meeting her at the airport. That something has come up that she has to deal with."
"And what was that?"
"She didn't say. The email said that she would call me as soon as she knew what she was doing."
"What about her job? She wasn't concerned about that? Did you try and contact her?"
"I know my job, Mr. Kassar. Yes, I tried to contact her, but it is only email. I couldn't actually talk to her. I tried to question her and of course mentioned her job."
"And?"
"She didn't go into any real details. She said it was something she had to do and that if she lost the job then she'd deal with it. I wrote back again trying to press for more, but I haven't heard back anything in the last half hour."
Cameron took a slow deep breath and sat down on the corner of his desk.
"Wonderful," he muttered.
"Listen, I am not hanging around here forever just hoping she calls or emails back. I knew you should never have changed the timing. Everyone said you were moving too quickly with this one. I am supposed to be on vacation in a week. I haven't seen my husband in almost three..."
"Calm down, Linda," he snapped. He looked at the phone, surprised for a moment by the fierceness in Linda's voice. Had he underestimated her? "Don't act as if this is some grand conspiracy to screw up your vacation. You will stay until the end of the week, as originally planned."
"And if she doesn't show?"
"Then you go. Your part will be over. I will find a replacement." There was a subtle change in the tone of his voice on the last word.
"What are you going to do? Go looking for her?"
Cameron remained quiet, waiting. The line was silent.
"Sorry. Forget I asked. I don't want to know."
"Of course you don't," Cameron agreed. "As I said. You stay until the end of the week and then you are done."
"I'll receive a new assignment upon my return?"
Cameron smiled as he looked around his office. He loved the timid sound of the woman's voice. He knew exactly what she was thinking. He was well aware of his reputation. He'd spent years cultivating it and while not all of the rumors were true, he'd done nothing to deny them. He let the silence spread over a full minute before replying, "Of course."
"I...if you really need me to stay on, Mr. Kassar...I could probably change my plans."
He imagined her holding the phone with two trembling hands and for a moment he almost felt sorry for her.
"Nonsense," he said. "Until the end of the week as was arranged, nothing more. I hope you and Phillip enjoy Hawaii."
"Thank you, sir."
Cameron hung up the phone and frowned. He picked up the receiver once more and tapped a short series of numbers.
"Echo station, this is James."
"Doctor Merrick. Is she in?"
"Can I ask who is calling?"
"Kassar."
"Sir. Umm, yes she is in. I believe in her office, shall I transfer you?"
"No, that won't be necessary. I just wanted to know if she was in. I am on my way down. Please ask her to stay if she tries to leave."
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
They didn't say a word as the plane came in for a landing and then taxied to the gate. The silence continued as they gathered their belongings, always careful when checking the overhead compartment as things have a tendency to shift during flight, and then proceeded to exit the aircraft.
Paige slipped ahead while Nathan was assisting a woman with getting her bag from the overhead bin. Panic seized him immediately. He jerked hard on the handle of the bag and it finally popped free. He handed it to the lady and had to restrain himself from pushing her out of the way and rushing for the exit.
He ignored the smiling flight attendant and her completely insincere 'bu-bye'. Nathan broke out in a cold sweat as he exited the plane and found that Paige wasn't waiting for him in the jetway. He tried to slow his breathing.
His eyes roamed the terminal as soon as he exited the jetway. Faces everywhere, smiling men and women, screaming children, aggravated men in business suits and many more, none of them familiar. Strangers one and all. He started to feel a little dizzy.
"Nathan."
It was her voice. It sounded like no more than a whisper to him and for a moment he was certain it was nothing more than a phantom. An echo of a memory that he refused to let go of. Had she even been on the flight? Had he dreamt it all? Perhaps he had completely lost it. Was it possible that he had been traveling alone all this time?
"Nathan," her voice came again, a little more forceful this time.
He turned and there she was, standing behind him off to the right by the window, He was flooded with relief and terror. There she was or so he believed. Was this just a continuing delusion or was that truly his wife? Did it really matter?
"I...I thought that...," he began as he joined her.
"I'd run away?"
He nodded. "Or...that maybe I had imagined it all," he admitted.
"I thought about it. Running I mean."
Nathan remained silent.
"I don't know if maybe you haven't imagined some of this, all of it perhaps. But I appear to be that woman in those photographs. I don't know how that can be. Until today I had never seen you before. Never heard your name before. But there I am or rather she is. I mean she bares more than just a passing similarity with me, but I know that is not me."
He heard the edge in her voice, knew she was trying her best to remain calm and in control. Was she trying to convince him or herself?
"I really wanted to just slip away, disappear into the crowds and get away from you."
Nathan looked at her, his mouth slightly open, eyes wide.
"I would never hurt you."
"I believe you. The truth is, I am not afraid of you. Not really. I mean, you scared the hell out of me back there when you first told me who you were and who you think I am, but I am not afraid of you. I don't believe that you would hurt me. I believe the emotions I hear in your words, even if I don't truly believe the words themselves. Does that make any sense?"
"I...I think so."
"So it isn't you that I am afraid of. It is what you represent that I fear. Can you understand that?"
Nathan nodded.
"So while I wanted to slip away, I won't. I don't think I truly could. If I did, I don't think I would ever know a peaceful night's rest again. Maybe I won't anyway."
The look on her face, a mixture of confused fear and despair, broke Nathan's heart. He wanted to reach out, to pull her close and comfort her. But of course he didn't, knew he couldn't. Not yet anyway, maybe never again. How cruel was that? The woman he loved more than anything in the world was in pain only inches from him and he knew there wasn't anything he could do about it.
"All I know is that I need to find answers to all of the questions rolling around in my head."
"And it's the answers to those questions that is really the root of your fears," he stated.
She nodded.
He looked down and leaned in towards her. "Mine too."
She wasn't sure if she wanted to laugh or cry. To hug him or hit him. They were united in their fear, she supposed that was something. Partners in a mystery.
"So what do we do now? Where do we go from here?"
"I am honestly not sure," Nathan admitted.
"I've never been here before. San
Diego I mean. A friend of mine has gotten me a job, on a trial basis anyway. She was supposed to meet me here."
Nathan looked around, even though he didn't have a clue who he might be looking for and then let out a laugh and shook his head.
"I guess you mean at baggage."
Paige shook her head.
"No. I used your computer and emailed her from the plane. Told her not to come. Guess there goes my job," she said with a shrug.
"Then you had already..."
"Decided to stay? To figure this out?"
He nodded.
"Like I said, I would never be able to sleep again. Not without finding out some answers. Can't step into the future until you make peace with the past. My dad used to say that a lot."
"I know," he said softly. "So did you." And Nathan realized, so did he. He'd written it more than once in his journals and hearing Paige's voice say those words once more warmed his heart, but also sent chills down his spine.
"What did you tell your friend?"
"That something had come up and I needed to deal with it first."
"She didn't ask you what it was? She didn't argue with you?"
"It was email, I didn't really give her much of a chance."
"So...we are both resolved to figuring this out. I wish I knew what came next."
"Dinner," Paige said.
"Dinner?"
"Yes. I can't believe I can even think about food, but I am actually starved."
"Then dinner it is." Nathan said, not at all sure he could eat.
"Who knows, maybe if we can figure this out over dinner, I can still make the first day at my new job," she said with a nervous giggle, her smile more than a little forced.
Nathan did his best to smile and nod, but deep inside they both knew it was a lie.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
He watched her for a moment. Her strawberry blond hair, tied back in a ponytail, hung down and around her left shoulder. She chewed on a pencil as she read over the notes scattered on her desk. He found himself strangely envious of the pencil. He knew her file said she was forty-two, but she didn't look a day over thirty. If anything, he found her more attractive now than when he'd first inherited the project nearly seven years ago.
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