‘Our bed is very comfortable – thank you so much, gentlemen,’ I said, and nodded back. Christine huffed and turned over first on one side, then the other, as the men descended the ladder. I decided to ignore her and got one of the best night’s sleep I’d had in some time. I knew my mission was finally on its way to being realized and this was probably the last night I would spend with Eliza and Henley, or even in this time. I couldn’t leave right then, although I knew I should – but I needed to say goodbye to Henley first.
Chapter 30
As sunlight streamed through a few chinks in the loft’s log walls, I awoke feeling strangely refreshed. I could hear the sounds of people bustling outside, but it was muted, as they were trying to be considerate towards those of us who were still sleeping. I was grateful that I’d had the presence of mind to grab my bag last night, and slept fully clothed. Looking back at Eliza and Christine, I realized they’d at least have to start their day in their nightgowns, until Henley could see to getting them some new clothes in town. He’d still been fully dressed when he exited the inferno that he’d started, of course, and some of the male servants also had on their clothes from the day before. Obviously they were not normally early to bed.
As I walked outside, I observed Hannah, Nellie and the other female staff creating a picnic of sorts on a makeshift table with benches pulled up alongside it. I noticed that all the servingwomen were fully dressed, too, and mused that they must be accustomed to working from sunrise well into the evening. In this case, their long hours had been advantageous to them for once, and saved their dignity. I was sure Henley was aware of that, too, and had made every effort not to create total devastation and embarrassment for his loyal staff by staging the fire at a time when his servants would be still fully dressed, and therefore at least have one set of clothes.
My stomach growled as I smelled the bacon, potatoes and fresh bread that were being laid out for our morning repast. I wondered where Henley was and, as if reading my mind, Wilchester walked over to me and said, ‘Mr Henley’s gone to the nearest neighbours to borrow some extra carriages to take everyone into town. He’s going to put us all up at a couple of boarding houses there until we can figure out the next step.’ He paused, as though exhausted from making such a long speech. I’d never heard him say so much in one breath, certainly not to me.
I believed he’d decided it was all right to befriend me in the eleventh hour. I wondered if he’d worked out that I wouldn’t be going into town and joining the rest of them at a boarding house. Little got past this observant man, after all. Our little bonding over Christine’s fussiness had helped him lighten up a lot towards me, and it struck me that he really was a nice man, even if normally a stiff and formal one. That morning, he almost appeared reborn.
‘Thank you for letting me know, Wilchester,’ I said. ‘I’ll go and rouse Eliza and Christine for breakfast.’
‘Oh, no need, miss.’ He smiled and glanced in the direction of the women’s stable. ‘I’ve sent Hannah and Nellie to do that.’ He graciously pulled a bench back from the table so that I might be seated more easily. ‘Go on and eat your breakfast now, while it’s still a bit warm, at least,’ he encouraged.
I was touched; it did smell quite delicious. I fell upon it ravenously, and everything tasted so wonderful, so scrumptious! I didn’t know if my increased appetite was the result of knowing that everything was finally heading in the right direction for me, or if the exertions of the night before and relief of surviving the fire had anything to do with it.
I saw Eliza walking impatiently away from her sister, using her stick to guide her, which someone had obviously thoughtfully grabbed as we exited the burning house. Most likely Hannah, I supposed. She was such a clever young girl.
Christine was showing no signs of the momentary compassion she’d offered her sister in the wee hours of the morning, outside the blazing house. Once again, the world revolved only around her.
‘Rude impertinence, not to wait for us to arrive before eating,’ she reproved me. I simply smiled and waved a piece of bacon in her direction, and went right on eating. ‘Hmph!’ she snorted.
Hannah and Nellie helped Eliza get seated and got her a heaped plate of food. They ignored Christine, which amused me greatly. It finally appeared to dawn upon her that no one else shared her high opinion of herself, and she grumpily began to fill her own plate.
‘What a sight!’ I heard Henley’s voice call from a carriage that had rolled up behind us. ‘It looks like everyone has a good appetite this morning, and that’s marvellous,’ he enthused as he jumped down from the buckboard. He hardly looked like someone who’d just burned down his own beautiful home – the majority of his heritage. There was a sense of … well, I’d have to say great relief emanating from him. He, too, ignored Christine, who seemed totally preoccupied with grousing to herself and everyone around her about the fact that her breakfast was cold. Henley leaned down next to my ear. ‘Could you spare a moment for an old friend?’ he whispered.
I nodded, indicating I was quite full, and followed as he led me back towards the stables. ‘Wilchester!’ he called over his shoulder. ‘Once the ladies, and I mean all of the ladies –’ he made a sweeping gesture that included Eloise, Hannah, Nellie and the other servants, as well as Eliza and Christine ‘– have eaten their fill, let’s help get them into the carriages that will be showing up shortly and head on into town.’
‘Yes, sir,’ Wilchester replied. ‘As soon as they’re done and the carriages roll up, Mr Henley.’
Henley and I kept walking until we were standing just inside the door of the now empty women’s stable. The horses softly nickered and whinnied, having just eaten their breakfast, too, content now to watch us as though they were the audience of some play. Henley glanced about furtively then closed the door, leaving it just slightly ajar to avoid any concerns about impropriety should anyone be watching. He needn’t have bothered. Christine was far too absorbed in eating and complaining to have even noticed our exit from the breakfast table. I guessed that the shock of the fire had made her so preoccupied with her own comfort that she even forgot Henley.
‘Was everything executed as you’d have liked?’ he asked breathlessly as he made his way over to a lump on the ground covered with a blanket. He lifted the blanket to reveal the painting, as well as some food. Thunder observed us from a nearby stall and pawed the ground, as though he approved.
I reassured him that the whole plan had been executed perfectly, even though I found it hard to believe he’d intended the destruction to go as far as it had. I tried to thank him, but I felt quite tongue-tied. I cleared my throat as I sought the right words. ‘I can’t believe you burned the whole house down—’
‘Shush, now, there, there,’ he said quietly. ‘It was actually a very cathartic thing to do, to be honest. I’ll rebuild a house that’s even better in many ways, and it won’t have the old man’s memory in it, either, so please don’t concern yourself with that. I’m more interested in you and your plans. Once you’ve taken the news and the painting to your friend, won’t you consider rejoining us, helping to oversee the new mansion being built?’ There was the slightest hint of pleading in his voice. So he hadn’t forsaken all his feelings for me after all! My heart leapt in my chest at this confirmation that I hadn’t dreamed up this love all on my own. The way he’d been acting towards me over the previous few days and his increasingly obvious admiration of Christine had half-convinced me that I’d made it all up. I’d known that was the best possible solution, but the realization that I’d been wrong still stunned me. But just as quickly, my heart fell when I remembered that this love could never be, and I dared not encourage him now.
‘You know I can’t,’ I replied softly, turning my back to him. I crossed over to Thunder’s stall and began saddling him up. ‘I have to go—’
‘Go where?’ he entreated. ‘Home?’
I nodded thoughtfully, wondering where exactly my home was now. ‘Yes, in a way, I suppose,’
I said, and continued preparing Thunder for our trip. I knew I’d have to wait until the carriages had taken everyone off to town before I left, but I couldn’t trust myself to look directly at Henley as we were talking. Better to busy myself with grooming and saddling Thunder, to keep me focused on what must happen very soon.
‘What if you didn’t have to leave to go home, Rebecca?’ he asked quietly. At this, I turned to see him shyly looking down at his own feet. What could he be thinking? ‘Do you remember the best gift I ever gave you?’ he continued.
I watched him, feeling helpless to stop whatever it was he had in mind, but totally confused as to where these questions were leading. ‘You’ve given me numerous lovely, kind gifts, Henley,’ I replied. ‘I can never thank you enough. But the greatest gift I shall always treasure is your friendship.’ I quickly clasped my hand over the back of his, as a friend would do, then tried to pull away. But he held on to it and forced me to look at him.
‘Well, I should think you’d remember telling me that the best gift anyone ever gave you was me not buying you a ring in a store window.’ His eyes twinkled as he gently teased me. I suddenly felt queasy, as that urgency to leave this place and time resurfaced inside me.
The roiling discomfort in my stomach reminded me that I couldn’t stay with Henley. I could lie to myself and remain in his time, but that indescribable feeling – that nagging ache in the pit of my stomach – would always be there, and eventually it would destroy me. My nature would always come between us. We were two different beings entirely, Henley and I. Was I even human any more, now that I couldn’t die?
‘Does that ring a bell?’ Henley was oblivious to the thoughts that were surfacing in my mind. And he had every right to be. We were different. Not meant to be together.
I remembered quick flashes of our shopping day in town, when he’d purchased all that lovely clothing for me, the beauty of the ring’s sparkle, the way his hair gently fell across his forehead. With some surprise, I realized I’d begun falling in love with Henley at the moment he’d agreed not to purchase that ring for me. But he was talking again now, and his voice startled me out of my memories.
I turned to look at him and felt paralysed as I watched him pull a small box out of his pocket. He then began to kneel in front of me. My voice was frozen – I couldn’t think of anything to say, and no sound came out. I wanted to jump onto Thunder and ride away, never to look back. I couldn’t stay. That much was clear and the only constant I could cling to. But for the universe to taunt me with what I knew I could never have? I shut my eyes, willing the scene in front of me to go away, but Henley wasn’t done yet. I was sure that everyone but Henley knew the answer I had to give him.
‘Well, I broke that promise a few days later,’ he continued. ‘I went back to the shop and purchased it for you, knowing that one day, the timing would be right to do what I do now.’ When I opened my eyes, he was fully down on one knee, the ring box open. His eyes shone brilliantly – even brighter than the ring – as he extended it towards me. ‘Rebecca Hatfield, will you do me the honour of—’
‘Stop!’ I cried. ‘Henley, for God’s sake, please get up, and I beg of you, don’t continue with your proposal. This can never be.’
‘But why?’ he asked, earnestly watching my face. ‘Why should I not propose to the woman I love more than anything else in the world?’ He slowly stood up and approached me. ‘Rebecca, I plan to make you happy beyond your wildest dreams.’ He paused and pocketed the ring box. ‘You’re different. Different from all the other girls I’ve met, different from all the other people I’ve met. I don’t have to play a role when I’m with you. I don’t have to be a Beauford when I’m with you. God, Rebecca – look at me.’ His arms were outstretched now. ‘Forget Henley Beauford. I’m not him any more. I’m just Henley. Your Henley. And I don’t care about anything or anyone else. It’s as simple as that. We won’t have to answer to anyone. No expectations. We can live however we want to live. We can build our own future.’ He took my hands and engulfed them in his own. ‘Don’t you see? We can be happy together. We’ll start over. We’re young. We can do it. As long as I have you beside me, nothing can go wrong, because whatever the world throws at us, we have what really matters.’
I unclasped his hands as gently as I could and withdrew my own. I hoped he hadn’t noticed the shaky breath I took and how my hands trembled. He almost had me there. Almost. If only it were really that simple. I would be his girl. And he would be my boy.
It would be wonderful. But it would only be a dream.
Henley only knew a part of what was happening. He didn’t know what he was getting himself into. I had to make the decision for both of us.
‘You can’t give up on what we have,’ Henley said. ‘This is different. My feelings towards you … Most people spend a lifetime searching for what we have and some don’t even find it in that time. Some people, like my … father … find it but then lose it. What we have is pure magic, something that surpasses love. It’s a once-in-a-lifetime thing.’ He fell silent, for I’d turned away from him and was tightening the girth on Thunder’s saddle.
‘You’re serious.’ His voice sounded incredulous. ‘I can’t believe you’re willing to throw away what we have. I thought this was what you wanted. I had to play the silly game of making it look as though I was planning to go through with the marriage to Christine because that’s what everyone was expecting. But now, you see, with the old man gone, his house gone – it’s a chance for a fresh start, Rebecca. And I want to start over with you. Christine won’t want to start over with me from scratch; she’s full of tradition and stupidity. And I certainly don’t want her – I never have. I’m so sorry if you ever believed I’d go through with that—’
I turned to face him, finally, tears burning my eyes and streaming down my cheeks. I wiped at them with my sleeve. ‘Henley, that’s a nice daydream, but that’s all it is. You’ll wake up and realize I’m not for you. I could never make you happy—’
Henley grabbed my face in his hands, so we were only inches apart. His brow was furrowed, but he still smiled. ‘God, Rebecca, you stupid girl. You’ve already made me happy – you always have, from the moment I met you. None of the past matters now, only that we’ll be together for ever.’ He moved his face towards mine to kiss me, but I turned away from him. As his cool lips brushed my cheek, I was again reminded of the life we could have had.
Even if I fought the urge inside me to leave, I knew I couldn’t watch him slowly die in front of me. And what of Henley? How could he possibly still love me, never ageing, stuck in the form I was currently in for eternity, while his hands grew gnarled and his skin leathery? Miss Hatfield had never mentioned an immortal dying of love, but I felt it might well be possible, right there in that stable.
I rebuffed him by climbing atop Thunder’s back. ‘I care for you, Henley, I can’t deny it. But a marriage between us would be disastrous – for more reasons than I can say. If you really do love me at all, you’ll go ahead and marry Christine, and merge your two family businesses, fulfilling your father’s wish for you. Now, if you’ll kindly hand me the painting and the food, I’d best be off. I’ll take the back road so as not to alert the people waiting for the carriages. I’ve ridden the route a few times before now. Come now, please do as I ask.’ I was begging. It was so hard being cruel to him in this way.
‘But what of my happiness, Rebecca? I don’t give a fig for the merging of family fortunes. Christine would make me miserable in no time. In fact, she already has. Please, Rebecca, is there anything I can say to make you change your mind, love?’ He was back on one knee, the ring extended up towards me. I felt so sorry for him, and my own heart was breaking, too, but I couldn’t let on that I was having even a moment of doubt, for he would surely notice it.
Heartbreak. It was real. I wished I could tell Cynthia that those songs she used to hear her mother playing in the kitchen were right. Fairy tales didn’t happen. You can break your own heart, and when you do, it’
s far worse than any physical pain.
‘Get up.’ I willed my voice not to tremble. ‘I don’t love you, Henley, but I do believe that what’s best for you must come first. You’ll be happy somehow, I know you will. You can be happy if you allow yourself to be. Now, please hand me my bag.’ I was taking slow, deep breaths, trying not to start crying again. Resigned to the fact I was not going to give in, he turned away and slowly picked up the bag, put the food into it and collected the painting. But when he walked over to me with it, he held the ring towards me first.
‘We both know you told a great untruth in saying you don’t love me. I know the truth, Rebecca, and so do you. I have no idea why you’re insisting on breaking my heart, but I would never force you to do anything against your will. Please – take this ring. It’s meant for you and no one else should wear it.’ He put down his burden, took my left hand and placed his gift on my ring finger.
‘I–I can’t …’ I said. ‘You really must go, Henley, they’re waiting for you …’ But he was resolved. He turned the ring around so that its beautiful blue stone was facing my palm.
‘It’s not an engagement ring any more. Don’t think of it that way, I beg you. Perhaps when you wear it, you will think of me now and again, and remember how much I love you, and always shall. You’ll always hold my heart.’ A tear fell from the corner of his eye as he handed everything up to me, then he turned on his heel and was gone.
I sat there, stunned, frozen all over again. I heard his retreating footsteps, then the snap of a carriage door and the rumble of wheels heading away from the rubble that had once been Mr Beauford’s estate. I felt the cold morning air on my face, and I couldn’t help but wish fervently that I didn’t have to leave.
I would go back to Miss Hatfield and the world I left behind would continue as if I’d never existed. Henley would, in time, forget these past few weeks. There would come a morning when Henley would wake to find that he didn’t remember that strange girl’s name any more. He’d sit there in bed for a few minutes longer, trying to retrace his steps into the dream he’d shared with her. But try as he might, he wouldn’t be able to recall even the first letter of her name. Already the conversations they’d shared together would have started slipping from his mind. It wouldn’t be his fault, no. Quite the contrary – it was a natural process, time claiming its children again, returning them to that ignorant bliss they’d once enjoyed. Soon the last shadow of that girl would disappear from his memory, and he’d be happy again.
The Seventh Miss Hatfield Page 25