by Lisa Kessler
I also prayed it would never end. Maybe we could just stay in this moment. No future. No past. Just us.
I had to be sleep deprived. I didn’t even know this man.
“How much do you know about werewolves?” he asked.
I shrugged. “Just the basics, I guess. You shift during the full moon, work and live in packs, and you have a keener sense of smell than I do but I can find you in the dark. You’re also strong.” I looked over at his chiseled profile. “Am I missing anything?”
He nodded, and his gaze locked on mine. “We have one true mate for life, just like wolves. They’re chosen by fate, and the wolf in our soul will recognize them when we touch skin to skin.”
I narrowed my eyes. “Are you trying to tell me you’re…married?”
“No.” He frowned, shaking his head. “I’m trying to tell you when I grabbed your wrist in that jail, my wolf went berserk.”
“What?” I fought to focus. I must’ve misunderstood. “How can that be? I’m a jaguar shifter.”
He shrugged. “Vance is Kaya’s mate, and he’s a jaguar.” He broke eye contact with me, his voice distant. “I turned forty the other day, and that night, my hope of finding my mate evaporated. I gave up, but Deacon was still sure she was out there. He said fate would bring us together when the time was right.” He pinched the bridge of his nose, sucking in a shaky breath as he stared at the ground. “I fucking hate this. I should be sweeping you off your feet, but I just held my brother’s hand and watched him fade away. My best friend in the whole damned world is gone, snuffed out. How can fate be this heartless?”
“Oh, Fate and I go way back.” I squeezed his hand. “She can be a bitch.”
He chuckled softly, and I caught myself wishing I could hear him really laugh. He glanced over at me. “Thanks for not sprinting back to the house when I mentioned mates.”
“Just to be clear, I’m not sure where to go from here.” I focused on our joined hands. I barely knew this man who seemed to think fate had chosen me to be his mate. It wasn’t that I didn’t want a relationship. It was more that my way of life meant I couldn’t have one. “I don’t have that wolf instinct.”
“I’m well aware.” He met my eyes. “That’s why I should be working my ass off to sweep you off your feet.”
“I get it now.” I chuckled and gave a slow nod. “I could walk away, but you…”
“Will never love another.”
“That might be romantic if we knew each other.” I laughed. I couldn’t help it. “You don’t know anything about me other than the fact I fought with Naomi when she was escaping from the Nero satellite facility.”
“True.” He nodded. “And you don’t even know my last name.”
“Stewart.” Before he could ask, I added, “I read it on your truck.”
He almost smiled. “So now I know you’re beautiful, deadly, and literate.”
I shouldn’t like that he thought I was beautiful. Shouldn’t. But I did.
I bumped him with my shoulder. “You’re funny even when your heart is broken.”
“Could be the only time I’m funny as far as you know.” He shrugged, and behind all the pain in his eyes, I noticed a longing that I recognized. I’d seen it before when I looked in the mirror, that wish that someday I might matter to someone. He raised a brow. “You don’t know anything about me, either.”
“I guess not.” A gust of wind came up from the valley, tugging hair free from my messy braided bun. I took off the ball cap, and before I could comment on how bad I must look, he reached over to tuck my hair behind my ear. My breath caught in my throat.
He released my hand and brought his to the other side of my face. My pulse raced. I knew he could hear it because I had no trouble hearing his keeping time with mine. My lips parted as I lost myself in his eyes.
“I’m so broken right now,” he whispered. “I’ve dreamed of finding my mate for most of my life. I never thought that when I found her, I’d have no heart left to give.”
I placed my hand on his chest, and my voice wobbled. “You must hate me.”
Confusion lined his features. “Why would you think that?”
My mouth went dry. “If I hadn’t gotten arrested, your brother would still be alive.”
Tears shone in his eyes as he shook his head. “If you hadn’t gone to jail, we never would have touched. You’d be out of my life by now. Long gone.”
“You’d be better off if I was.” I choked out the bitter truth I wished I could bury. Lying came so easily to me…but not with him. “You’d have your brother.”
“Don’t.” His rough thumb stroked my cheek. “My brother didn’t blame you, not even for a second.”
His eyes dipped to my mouth and back up. I should pull away and protect myself. I couldn’t stay here. I’d have to say goodbye.
But I didn’t move. He crushed his lips to mine, and I wrapped my arms around him, clinging to him like a lifeline in a storm as our tongues wrestled in an urgent, desperate passion. His hand slid into my hair, his fingers threading through my braid, tightening until I shivered against him. The fever in my veins surprised me. I’d been with many men for a variety of reasons throughout my life, but the emotion in this kiss was new.
I wanted to put his heart back together. I ached to take away his hurt. And I yearned to know all there was to know about him.
And that could get him killed.
I broke the kiss and stumbled back a couple of steps.
There was a new fire in his eyes, and his aura throbbed with the red and pink of desire. His nostrils flared as he sucked in a breath. “I’m not sorry.”
“I’d like to keep it that way,” I said, breathless.
He tipped his head slightly. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
I licked my well-kissed lips. “The police are looking for me. I’m going to have to disappear. I can’t stay here without putting you and your pack in jeopardy.” I gestured to the Red Rocks. “We can’t hide here forever. I’m going to finish Judge Jones, and then I have to start over somewhere else. Being with me will put a target on your back.”
“Being without you isn’t an option,” he growled.
“You’re being blinded by wolf instincts.” I hated saying those words out loud. This was the first person who had ever risked themselves for me. It would’ve been nice to believe it was because he cared about me, but it was instinctual. Nothing more. “You don’t know me, Dex. You’ve already lost too much because of me. I won’t stay and destroy your whole pack. I won’t.”
The intensity in his gaze threatened to break my will. Would it be so bad to rush back into his arms and escape in the warmth of his kiss? Yes. Eventually, he’d hate me. He’d lose everything he loved.
I steeled myself, turned around, and walked back to the house.
CHAPTER 10
Dex
She walked away while I struggled to think straight. In one kiss, the wolf demanded his mate and the man found refuge from the raw anguish of losing Deacon. I just wanted to feel something else, to lose myself in her and offer up all the broken parts of my soul.
There was truth in her words, truth I didn’t want to face. She would need to vanish. I didn’t blame her for walking away. But she was wrong about me hating her someday. Deacon wasn’t at that jail for her. He’d gone for me. This was a guilt I wasn’t willing to share.
Maybe I could go with her. With my parents and Deacon gone, there was nothing keeping me in the pack. I could rebuild my business wherever we landed. I rolled my eyes as I shook my head. We didn’t even know each other yet, and I was over here planning a life together. What the hell was wrong with me?
I was alone. For the first time in my life, I didn’t have my brother. That made everything fucking wrong.
Either way, if I wanted to get to know her, I needed her to stick around for a while. I jogged after her, then slowed my pace when I caught up to her. We walked in silence for a few yards.
I kept my eyes on Asher’s house
in the distance. “Judge Jones is going to die.”
“Yes, he is,” she replied without turning my way.
“We’ll do it together.” I took her hand, and her fingers threaded with mine, making my pulse hammer in my chest.
She finally glanced at me. “I still can’t stay in Sedona.”
“But while you’re here…” I met her eyes. “I’d like to get to know you.”
Her mouth curved just slightly. “I’d like to know you, too.” Her gaze wandered over my face. “But what’s the point when we both know I’m leaving? It’ll just make it hurt when it’s time to go.”
“Not sure if you noticed, but I’m already hurting.” I shrugged. “Might as well enjoy our time together until then, right?”
“Playing with fire.” She chuckled. “I like it.”
“One rule?”
“What’s that?” she asked.
I waited for her to look at me. “You won’t leave without saying goodbye.”
She almost smiled, but there were shadows in her emerald eyes. “That’s not my style. It takes strength to say goodbye.”
“You were prepared to kill yourself to protect shifters. Seems pretty strong to me.”
“Fine.” She narrowed her eyes a little and squeezed my hand. “I won’t go without a goodbye.”
I faced the house, dread welling in my gut.
Natasha stopped. “I know you have a lot to deal with right now. Maybe I can get Vance to give me a ride back to the satellite facility.”
I didn’t want her to go. “We don’t have a plan to handle the judge yet.”
“While you take care of things here with your brother, I can find someone to help get me into my car at the impound lot. We can circle back once I have my new identity.”
I raised a brow. “I checked your car before the tow got there to make sure there wasn’t anything that might tip anyone off about shifters. I didn’t see any new identification papers in there.”
She shook her head. “They’re not in my car, but I have a key to my safe-deposit box stashed in the glove box. I need it to get to my documents. I’ve also got some cash and a burner phone in the box.”
The key. I dug my hand into my pocket and withdrew the tiny key I’d found in her owner’s manual. I held it up. “You mean this key?”
She smiled as she took the key and put it in her pocket. “You’re my hero.”
I blinked fighting the urge to pull her back into my arms. My heart pounded with complicated emotions, but the bottom line was I fucking loved hearing her call me that. I wanted to be hers, period.
Doing my best to keep from making an ass of myself, I shrugged. “I try.” I glanced at the French doors to the house. “You could still stay with me tonight. We could go to the bank and get your new identity and phone in the morning.” She hesitated. I squeezed her hand and added, “I don’t have an agenda. I’m just not looking forward to being alone.”
“All right.” She looked down at my shirt. “I need some clothes.”
“You might be able to borrow some from Naomi. And I could take you shopping tomorrow after the bank.” I was well aware that I was filling my schedule to avoid dealing with my loss, and I didn’t give a shit. With any luck, I could just stay busy for the next year. It gutted me to think about a world without Deacon in it.
“Maybe in between all the errands, you can tell me your favorite color and we can make a plan to kill a Supreme Court justice.” Her lips curved into a sexy, barely there smile.
“Works for me.” I looked at the house, reality digging its claws into my shoulders. “I just have to make it through to tomorrow.”
“Dex?” Her voice drew my attention back to her face. “I don’t know how to do any of this.”
I frowned. “What?”
She gestured to the house. “Death, relationships, family. My entire life has been everyone for themselves. You just lost your brother. I’m the last person you should be leaning on. I don’t know what to do or say, and your pack hates me. I can’t go in there.”
“You don’t have to do or say anything.” How could I make her understand when I didn’t understand it myself? “Knowing you’re close calms the wolf inside me.” I released her hand. “But I’m not going to force you into anything.”
The back door opened, interrupting us. Asher stepped out, and Natasha slid her hand free from mine, crossing her arms. I wondered how much Asher had seen. I hadn’t told him she was my mate yet. His gaze locked on me. “I’m sorry, but we need to get Deacon out to the back soon. Do you want to sit with him for a while?”
A hard pit formed in my stomach. We couldn’t risk anyone discovering a body that could produce any unique shifter DNA so there was a pyre at the back of the ranch. I’d attended the ceremony for Brock and Chase before Asher had become our Alpha, but this was Deacon. I wasn’t sure I could stand there while his body burned. It was all too much. Too fucked-up. Too real.
“Yeah,” I managed to grunt. “Thanks.”
I walked past him into the house, relieved to hear Natasha following me. I meant it when I said she didn’t need to say or do anything. It was everything to me just to know she was there.
And it said something about her that she probably didn’t even realize yet. There was nothing in this for her. She might be a hired gun, but deep down, she was kind.
It was after nine o’clock at night by the time everything was set for Deacon’s ceremony. I couldn’t stomach food at dinner, and now nausea bubbled in my gut. Everyone took a place around the pyre. Asher was at the head, I stood on his right, and Natasha was across from me with Vance next to her. The rest of the pack completed the circle.
I wanted to scream that this couldn’t be happening. I wanted to wake up.
But this nightmare was real. My brother was gone.
Asher raised his hands toward the stars. “We offer our brother back to the moon and the night. May his spirit be lifted, free to run with the pack of our ancestors and watch over those he left behind.”
It was tradition for each pack member to speak before the pyre was lit. I was Deacon’s last living relative so I had to go first. I cleared my throat, struggling to find my voice. “I call to our father, James, and our mother, Paula. Please guide my brother. Take him back into your arms.” I coughed, fighting to keep my emotions under control. “His spirit is free. I miss you already, Deacon.”
After a moment of silence, Vance and Kaya spoke in unison. “Run free, Deacon.”
One by one, my pack brothers and sisters said their goodbyes and offered up blessings until Jett’s voice rumbled next to me. “Spirits guide him. Moon embrace him.”
I’d grown up with Jett and his twin brother, Jax. They had joined the military together and had taken part in some top-secret government research program at the Nero Organization. They called it Codename Wolf. Afterward, Jett had come home alone. His brother hadn’t survived the experiment, and Jett never talked about it.
Now we had something heartbreaking in common.
Naomi stood next to Asher at the head of the pyre. “We love you, Deacon. Watch over your brother.”
I blinked hard, trying to force back the tears that were threatening. I was alone now. I lifted my eyes from my brother’s face, and my gaze locked on Natasha’s. She didn’t say anything, but her presence was a balm to my soul. I didn’t know if any of my packmates had a problem with her being there. Maybe Asher was shielding me from it? At this point, I was so eager to stop hurting, to stop reliving the moment Deacon’s eyes drifted closed for the last time, I would’ve welcomed a physical fight with any of them.
Asher, Vance, Cole, Chandler, Gage, and Ryker covered Deacon in a canvas tarp soaked in kerosene, and then my Alpha raised a torch. “Run free, Deacon.”
He touched the flame to the wood at the base of the pyre, and heat and fire burst forth. The rest of the pack dispersed back to the house. Except for Asher and Jett.
Natasha watched me from the other side as the flames leaped up between u
s.
Jett gripped my shoulder, surprising me. He usually kept his distance from the pack. When he had returned from the military experiments, he’d been a ghost of the cocky kid I’d grown up with. His hair was a little darker brown than mine, and he was a couple of inches taller, but his bright-blue eyes used to make teachers in school think we were related.
His deep voice rumbled. “I can stay here. You should go sleep.”
I’d spent all of last night awake, caring for my brother already, and although exhaustion weighed on me, the thought of sleeping now seemed impossible. Nightmares of seeing the wall collapse on my brother would haunt me. I couldn’t do it.
“I need to see this through for Deacon.” I glanced over at Jett. “But thanks.”
He nodded. There was a knowing in his eyes. He’d lost his twin, too, but I didn’t know what had happened to Jax’s body. It hadn’t made it back to Sedona.
Jett’s hand slid off my shoulder as he crossed over to Asher. “Are you going to stay?”
Asher looked at me. “That depends on Dex.”
I shook my head. “You can go. I need some time alone anyway.”
He walked away with Jett.
Natasha came around to stand beside me. Her voice was tentative. “Should I go, too?”
“No.” I glanced her way. “Can you stomach a few stories about me and my brother?”
Her lips curved slightly as she nodded. “I bet you two were trouble.”
I chuckled. “My dad used to say we were his parents’ revenge.” We took a few steps back from the heat of the fire, and I told her about the all the times we’d swapped classes through junior high. I had taken his math classes, and he had written all my English papers. I shared stories I hadn’t thought about in years, and although a couple of tears escaped the corners of my eyes, the ache in my heart warmed, filling in the cracks with fond memories of Deacon’s smile.
We sat on a rock, and I bumped her with my shoulder. “What about you? Any siblings?”
Her smile faded as she stared at the flames. “Nope. Just me.” She glanced over at me. “You were really lucky.”