by Lisa Heaton
“I had just had a terrible dream. I needed time to think through it, but I know this for certain, I would have never been able to stay away from you, not if you hadn’t asked me not to touch you.”
“Why are you only telling me this now?”
“It took me some time to comprehend it myself. By then, you had begun to see Elias.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
“You don’t have to say anything at all.”
When they arrived at the stables, Colin dismounted and once again reached for her and lowered her to the ground. Just as her feet touched ground, she looked up at him, so he moved in and kissed her once more.
“I could kiss you every waking moment.” He allowed his fingers to linger on her cheek.
Isabel gazed into his eyes, her lashes fluttered in the anticipation that he might kiss her again. Nothing about the day had been expected. Even now, his affection toward her was unexpected. The moment she thought that, she grimaced and corrected herself. This was exactly him. Each time they were intimate, he was just like this, attentive and romantic. But, she had to remind herself, that’s where it all ended. This was about his carnal pleasure and what it took to keep her willing. She couldn’t allow this to cloud her thinking
Isabel stepped back and said, “I’m feeling tired now. I should go in and rest.”
“I will walk you to your room.”
He did walk with her, but she intentionally walked apart from him, not close enough that he might grasp her hand. Many times he tried to engage her in conversation, but she said very little in return.
When they were finally at her door, Colin took her by the shoulders. “Do you feel I’ve used you?”
“No. It’s perfectly natural that you would want to be with your wife. I had no right to ask you not to touch me. At the time, though…” She cast her eyes away.
“I know you were hurt and lashing out. You were trying to protect yourself. Even then I didn’t blame you for what you said or the fact that you turned to Elias. I’ve done nothing but push you away.”
The mention of Elias caused her cheeks to flush.
Colin reached for her chin. “Do you feel as if you’ve betrayed him?”
“I don’t know what I feel.”
He stood there for a silent moment. “I don’t want to leave you this way. Would you like for me to come in with you? We can take a nap together.”
“No. I need some time to think this through.”
“But you’re not angry with me?”
“Not at all angry with you.”
Once alone in her room, Isabel’s mind was jumbled with thought after thought, mostly negative and hurtful. She wasn’t angry with Colin; of course he had desires. It had been months since they had been together. Most of her dreadful thoughts concerned Elias and how he would feel if he knew. Even more than if he knew about the act itself, she was more concerned with how he would react if he only knew how easily Colin could capture her heart.
The entire time while with Colin in the meadow, her heart betrayed Elias. Every word and touch created the deepest soul longing for her husband. Elias had never once crossed her mind the entire time she was with Colin, before, during, or after making love.
Placeholder, that’s what Elias was. Just as Gerard set out around the table before supper small cards with precise handwriting indicating who would eventually occupy that place, that’s what Elias was to her. Elias was merely holding Colin’s place until he wanted her.
She wasn’t faulting Colin for this. This was all her doing. Elias was being held in reserve to hold Colin’s place until the time came for them to be together. What happened today was inevitable and would happen again. She was his wife, and Colin had every right to be with her.
Isabel moved to the bed and traced her fingers along her mattress, imagining the time when he would come to her again. Even still, the feel of his touch in the meadow was fresh on her skin.
The truth was, she wanted Colin today just as much as he had wanted her. Never once had she longed for Elias in that way. Even when she had the opportunity to hold his hand, she had turned it down because she wanted no other man touching her but Colin.
What a despicable thing! She was no better than Melody. The way Melody had reserved Colin for eternity, Isabel was doing the same to Elias. Elias would never know the joy of touching the skin of the woman who carried his child the way Colin had today. He would forever be relegated to the outskirts of her life for use when she needed him. What kind of woman would do such a thing to a man, especially a man she loved?
Never, not one moment did she doubt her absolute and never-ending love for Elias. It was the nature of love she had for him that Isabel needed to deliberate. Romantic love for Elias would never allow her to long for Colin the way she had today. It would repel any touch by another man except the beloved.
She gasped at the realization and plopped down on the bed. Just as she had felt repelled by Elias’s hands only days before, she should be repelled by Colin’s touch rather than enticed by it – if she were actually in love with Elias.
Tears began to trickle down her cheeks as she came to understand just how much she was using Elias. She would never be free to be his, and in truth, she didn’t want her freedom from Colin. When Elias had said he wished he was king, at the time she wouldn’t allow herself to deliberate on it, but the fact was, she didn’t. She would never wish Colin away or out of her life, not after knowing him. Only early on did such thoughts cross her mind.
When Fina arrived to help Isabel dress for supper, Isabel looked up at Fina and sighed. “Sit with me.”
Fina sat. “You’re sad.” She reached for Isabel’s hand and gave it a slight squeeze. “You’ve been with the king this afternoon. Has he hurt you today?”
“Colin?” Isabel smiled at her concerned friend. “No. We had a lovely day.”
“Are you sad then that the commander is away? You can be honest with me. I won’t judge.”
“You would absolutely judge.” Isabel’s tone was lighthearted.
“I’m sorry, Isabel. All I care about is protecting you.” She said no more.
“You’ve been right all along.” A tear rolled down Isabel’s cheek.
“About the commander?”
“Yes. I should have never allowed him to get so close. I’ve been so selfish.”
“You’ve been hurt and seeking comfort. I can’t fault you for that.”
“I’ve ignored God.”
“I know, my friend. But He is right there waiting for you to come and listen.”
“If I don’t have Elias…” She stopped and shook her head.
“You will have God and me.” Fina leaned in and patted the queen’s stomach. “And soon this little one.”
“The king will never love me. He made a promise to her.” At that thought, a single tear fell over her lashes
“I believe he will.”
She looked at Fina, tears now tumbling down her cheeks. “What if he doesn’t?”
“Then God will love you in his place.”
Isabel fell to pieces in Fina’s arms. There was no way her friend could have known how her words echoed Elias’s the night he had said he would love her in Colin’s place.
***
Hours passed and suppertime came. Colin sat at the head of the table and waited, but his wife never came. Unable to eat until he knew Isabel was well, he stood and excused himself.
When he entered without knocking, Colin only half regretted it. She had once said he didn’t need to knock. The room was mostly dark except for the firelight as he made his way toward the bed. Without saying a word, he began to undress.
“What are you doing?” Isabel asked, wide-eyed.
“I promised myself that when I love you that way, I will never leave you to spend the night alone again.”
He didn’t ask for permission; he just climbed over her and slid beneath the mounds of blankets. Once settled in, he pulled her close and smiled as she melted i
nto him. He knew this was precisely what she needed, and for once he would get it right.
“I’ll be here when you wake. On my life I will be.”
Colin woke to find Isabel watching him. He was sprawled out right in the middle of the bed, leaving her little room except a small edge. It felt good to stretch out in a bed. Even though he had fallen asleep with her before, he had never completely rested as he just had.
Isabel looked at him, eyes narrowed. “Have you noticed how much room you’ve left me?”
“The price you pay…”
She snuggled in close to him as he wrapped his arms around her.
“I haven’t slept that well in years,” he said.
“I’m glad you did, and I’m glad it was with me.”
Her swollen eyes were now evident in the morning light, something he had failed to notice the night before. Colin rolled onto his side and traced his thumb across her cheek. “Are you better this morning? You were upset last night.”
“Yes, I am better. And I don’t regret being with you if you think that’s the case.”
“Good. I don’t either. I will never regret being with you.”
Her smile seemed skeptical, so he said, “Never again.”
He sat up. “Take me to see your cottage today.”
“Really? You want to go and see it?”
“I do.”
The ride to Deslan far exceeded his expectations. Colin looked overhead and squinted. The weather was perfect, not a cloud in the sky, and the sun was shining overhead. All along the way they talked, Isabel catching him up on the latest news of Deslan. He had missed making this journey with her as they had done in the early days when visiting the docks.
He listened to her with fascination. The town and its people had become entrenched into her heart, and many she now considered friends.
“Did you say Margaret?” Colin wanted to make sure he had the list of names correct. One was the baker, a woman he remembered from their earlier trips. Another was a seamstress. That was the woman whose child Isabel had held during that first trip. Ivy, the little girl, was now walking.
“Margaret makes the tarts that I bring you.”
“I want that and a strawberry cake.”
“She will have the cakes but not the tarts. She will make those fresh while we spend time at the cottage and have them ready for us on the return trip.”
“You have your visits well organized.”
“I do.”
Isabel became quiet for a long while, causing Colin to suspect she was thinking of Elias. It was now usually him to make this trip with her. He squeezed her hand. “Where are you now?”
She shook her head. “I’m sorry. I guess I drifted away.”
It wasn’t hard to figure out. “When will he be home?”
Isabel looked away. “I’m sorry. It’s not like that. It was just another thought that came to mind.”
“I’m not upset. You can talk to me.”
“That’s kind. Maybe later.”
She grinned as they made sight of the town. “For now, I can only think of cake.”
Colin followed Isabel through the door of the bakery and noticed how the surroundings had changed. Paint and new boards on the walk transformed the place, making it now an inviting establishment, a far cry from the grubby site before.
She turned to him. “Don’t you imagine it’s what heaven will smell like?”
“It would have to be.” He chuckled at her enthusiasm. This was his favorite Isabel, chatty and radiant.
Before the woman could greet him, Colin went to her and took her hand. He bowed low and raised it to his lips. “It is a pleasure to see you again, Margaret. I have missed my visits to your fine shop.”
Margaret blushed and curtsied. “A pleasure to have you here again, Your Majesty.”
“I’m here for my strawberry cake. Actually, I’ll have two so that I might taunt my wife with the second.”
“Do you see, Margaret, how ungrateful he is? I’ve brought him apple tarts over the past months and you see the thanks I get.”
Colin turned to Isabel and winked. “I would eventually allow you to have it.”
When Colin took the cakes from Margaret, he smiled at her and took her plump hand again. “Thank you for your continued hospitality toward my wife. She calls you a friend.”
Margaret raised her free hand to her heart. “I’m flattered, Your Majesty. If I dared, I would call her friend as well.”
He chuckled. “Oh, you should dare. She’s an unlikely queen.”
“Yes, sir. That she is.”
Men entered carrying tables and chairs as Margaret watched with wonder.
Isabel said, “You need these so that a lady may have a pastry here where it smells like heaven. Or where you can stop and rest a moment and enjoy your own pastries.”
When tears sprang to Margaret’s eyes, Isabel reached for her hand. “The next time I am here, we will sit together and have cake, but today I must show our king his new cottage.”
The remainder of the way to the sea as they passed through, Colin marveled at his wife and her place in this community. Various people called out to their queen, and each and every one Isabel knew by name. She not only waved but often asked the driver to stop so that she might ask a question or two.
Of Lilla, the mother to whom she had given money the day Colin first brought her, Isabel asked, “How is your husband’s leg after the accident?
“He’s on the mend, Queen Isabel. Thank you kindly for sending the physician to care for him.”
“I’m pleased to hear it.”
Isabel turned to Colin, “Albert works the docks and nearly lost his leg getting tangled when the anchor dropped.”
It went on and on like this until Colin wondered if they would ever reach the sea. Once they were past the town and near the water, Isabel insisted that they stop and walk the remainder of the way alone, leaving the accompaniment of the soldiers behind. Colin reluctantly agreed.
“I don’t want to be surrounded,” she said. “They will stay here.”
Colin looked at the men, who seemed to know the usual way of doing things. He smiled at how she talked to many of them as she passed by. It was easy to see, these fellows, too, were her friends.
This wife of his never ceased to amaze him with her kindness and warmth. Everywhere she went, she seemed to bring happiness. That was certainly the case with him. In all his life he had never known the potential for such life-changing happiness.
These were the kinds of thoughts he found dangerous. While with her, though, they came without his conjuring them up. No matter how risky it was to be around this enchanting woman, Colin had come to realize he didn’t care too much about that any longer.
Falling asleep and waking with her hadn’t caused the sense of guilt it had before. He wasn’t so sure he had ever known the sense of peace that he had experienced the night before. Twice he had awakened only long enough to pull her nearer. Both times, he felt himself smiling at her closeness. There was something about losing her and finding her again that seemed to settle his earliest hesitation. While the promise still hovered overhead, it felt much less intrusive these days. Lately, he had come to question if he would choose to remain under the promise at all.
Lost in thought, Colin realized he had missed her last words. They were walking up the stairs to the cottage and she was excited about something. He found he didn’t want to miss a word she said.
“Wait, I wasn’t listening. Begin again.”
When he had reached for her hand to stop her, he noticed how she looked down and stared at her hand in his.
He sensed her unease and dropped her hand. “I’m sorry.”
She smiled and began again telling him about her plans for the house and furniture placement.
Together, they traveled through each room as her excitement became contagious. Able nearly to envision himself in the house, having a holiday with his family, he turned to her. “Can’t you just imagine a
little one running about, begging to go out and play by the sea?”
Isabel stood motionless as Colin talked and nodded at his question.
Once the tour was over, they sat by the water without speaking, both enjoying the peace of their day’s getaway.
Though content at having her undivided attention, many times Colin thought back to when she had recoiled from his hand.
“Isabel, I don’t regret yesterday, but I fear you do more than you let on. I’m sorry if I led you to do something that hurts you today.”
“This isn’t about yesterday.”
“So you admit that something is the matter?”
“Something is the matter, but I don’t think it’s something I can talk to you about.”
“Can you talk to Fina?”
“Humph! Hardly. I know her feelings already.”
“This is about Elias then.”
“It is.”
“Will you tell him about yesterday? Is that what you have on your mind?”
“I don’t know how I could tell him. It would destroy him.” She looked away. “I mean he knows we have before…” She said no more than that.
“There’s more?” He hesitated. “You can talk to me. I will advise you as best I can.”
“I fear I’m doing the wrong thing.”
“With me?”
She shook her head, indicating that wasn’t the case. “If I speak my heart, it will hurt you.”
“I’m a strong man, Isabel.” He grinned at her. “I promise I can withstand anything you tell me.”
“I’m no better than Melody. What she’s done to you, I’m doing the same to Elias, stealing his future. How selfish is that of me?”
Colin just sat and stared at her. It took him a moment to recover enough to speak. “You are nothing like Melody. There isn’t one selfish bone in your body.”
“What’s so different? Look what she demanded of you and where that’s left you. Maybe what I’m doing is even worse. At least you have a child on the way and a wife you can sleep with. Elias will never have either because of me. He can’t touch me or make love to me. He sees this child growing within me yet it’s not his. Colin, I’m destroying him and he doesn’t even know it yet. He loves me too much to even see it.”