JAGGED
Heart
JAGGED
Love So Deep You Meet
The Fear Buried In Your Soul
Broken Bottles Series: Book 3
Pamela Taeuffer
Copyright © 2015 by Pamela Taeuffer
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, digital scanning, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law. For permission requests, please address Open Heart Press.
Published 2016 in the United States of America
For information, address: [email protected]
To Dad and Denise, I have felt you guys each day through this process.
Claude, Aaron, I love you.
All the mustangs that have come before me—because of your life's twists, turns, bruises and rewards, you have freed me.
Thank you for your sacrifice.
Readers: Three editors and countless edits and I apologize in advance if a few errors linger. Know that we've worked diligently to catch them. If you run across one, I hope it doesn't interrupt your experience.
The Story So Far
Nicky Young has grown up with the broken promises of her father’s alcoholic rage and her mother's codependency. She learns from their continued abandonment of she and her sister, Jenise, it’s up to her to make her way in life—and making her way is all that is on Nicky's mind.
The Goliaths, a professional baseball team in San Francisco, had accepted her entertainment plan for six high school friends to cheer and perform dances and songs in between innings. This has helped her get into Stanford, the college she’s been dreaming of since a little girl.
Everything was going according to Nicky’s plan—especially her desire to get out of her house when she turns eighteen—until one of the Goliaths star pitchers, Ryan Tilton, set his sights on her. At 6’2, with blue eyes, golden brown hair, and tattooed biceps that are a beacon to women, he appears to have it all.
What he hides is the grief a young man who lost his father to war at only fourteen. He's practiced keeping his heart well protected every hour of every day. Through hard work and the relentless pursuit of his goals, he reached a high level of achievement in professional baseball. Next on his list was to forget the pain that pounded against his heart. Ryan Tilton played hard on and off the field.
It isn’t until the very smart Nicky Young—with the alluring curves of a woman and the innocence of a child—Ryan feels his very spirit begin to glow. From the moment he spots her, he knows she is the woman he has been longing for. Determined to win Nicky’s body and soul, he sets out on a slow and steady plan of seduction.
Dating her is anything but easy. Nicky keeps her "safe" options close, namely Jerry, her childhood friend. She’s certain she will need to fall back on him. They share family secrets—she an alcoholic father and Jerry a dad who doesn't think twice about physical punishment. All to that her certainty that anything good always comes to an end, and she knows Ryan will tire of soothing her insecurities.
Although Nicky and Jerry begin to consider dating, even spending a sweet night together at the Pt. Reyes headlands, her sensuous night with Ryan in Half Moon Bay is transformative. The man she fears is too much for her shows her his vulnerable side. She embraces him in every way and he interprets this as a sign that Nicky is ready for more. He plans an evening of full press seduction: an emerald necklace and an expensive dinner at an intimate nightclub.
As Fire Heart, Book 2 of Part I, in the Broken Bottles series ends, Nicky is sitting on Ryan’s thighs, both of them naked except for their underwear, and he’s urging her to open to him in every way.
As the daughter of an alcoholic, trust does not come easily to her. While Ryan makes her feel out of control in a way that both frightens and excites her, Jerry tempts her with the sweet comfort of familiarity, leaving Nicky deliciously caught between the kisses of a boy and a man—and her own changing life—the choices of a girl and a woman.
WARNING:
Nicky here. In Jagged Heart, I try to juggle the push and pull of emotions I've kept pushed down inside me from my earliest memories.
For years I’ve tried to walk in an even path, staying away from the steep hills and deep valleys of raw and new feelings. I’ve avoided the risks that bring vulnerability and openness, never daring to love too deeply, thereby avoiding the very things that could bring me from the numbness of my youth and bring me to life.
Now, my body is begging me to consider its pulses, quivers, and the ripples that I'm feeling in my belly. It’s urging me to have a physical relationship with a man and possibly consider . . . love.
I am about to leap from my edge and travel down a long and jagged road. No more hiding in my shadows until it’s safe to come out—my fears will be confronted.
Each book in this series ends in a steep cliffhanger and there are important reasons why.
Stay with me.
Not knowing was a very important part of my life.
Table of Contents
Prologue
A Love That’s Mine
1. Jagged Pieces
2. A Cold Wind Blew In
3. The Next Step
4. A New Friend
5. Coffee
6. I’ll Leave Your Jacket At The Door
7. A Little Sarcasm With Breakfast
8. A Circle Begins To Close
9. Observations
10. A Shake-up
11. Is The Ground Shaking?
12. Fighting
13. An Invitation
14. Getting Ready
15. A Double Date With Sis
16. Waterfront Turbulence, Part I
17. Trying To Keep A Lid On It
18. Waterfront Turbulence, Part II
19. Voices
20. On Stage
21. Family
22. Hall Monitors
23. Church And Doughnuts
24. Taken Away, Into The Night
25. Exploring Ryan’s Apartment
26. Only An Undershirt
27. A Photographer’s Eye
28. A Child’s Innocence
29. Exposing Soft Bellies
30. Primitive
31. Finger Food And Off To Bed
32. Jam For Jelly
33. Trophies
34. Skeletons—His & Mine
35. Friends
36. Settling For Now
37. Discarded Sighs
38. Boxes
39. “Ryan’s” Game
40. Split In Two
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Acknowledgements
About the Author
Also Available by Pamela Taeuffer
Prologue
“What are you doing standing here by yourself? Get out there, Nick!”
Friends and family are helping my husband and me celebrate thirty-five years of marriage. I’ve stepped back to have a moment alone, watch my loved ones interact, and witness the raw emotions of life on their faces. They have no idea I’m looking. Peeking in is what I've done from when I was a little girl.
I guess it was one of the twisted gifts my father gave me. You know what I mean? Unintentional blessings we receive despite the ugliness they came from?
Learning to survive in a family battling alcoholism forced me to stay in the shadows until I knew it was safe to come out. Observing while hidden was necessary—my family had t
o be sure the danger had passed before we dared show ourselves.
Years later, like on this day, I used the technique not because of fear. Instead it was to embrace the sweet, unplanned moments that too often fly by unnoticed.
My good friend, Alexandra, has found me. As soon as I smell her perfume, I know she is at my side.
“What are you doing, girlfriend?” she asks. “Come on and join the rest of us."
“I will. I was just thinking back on our early days. Remember when you invited me to LA and I met the lieutenant governor? God, you were a cool customer. What a powerful woman you are.”
“That was a fun trip. And a great connection for you,” she smiled as if the memory warmed her. “What else is going on? Your face was in a frown just now.”
“The awful night in Yountville with my first love,” I wrinkled my nose.
“That was a tough one.” She held my hand. “But after all, it led you to Ethan.”
“Now he is definitely a bonus, right?” As we laughed, I watched Ethan playing with grandchildren and continued thinking about what happened that night and how life unfolded.
A LOVE THAT’S MINE
I know I have love, don’t I
My parents love me, don’t they
I never hear them say the words
They have problems with emotion
So that's why they stay quiet, isn't it
My friends love me, don’t they
We don’t say it enough to each other
Brushing away the seriousness of love
Telling jokes instead
But we say it more than my family says it to each other
We’re numb
I’m numb
I have a heart that beats
Still, I know it’s frozen
It has had to shut itself down
So it wouldn’t die
Sometimes I think its death might be a better option
Instead of watching the rage
The insults, the sarcasm that we wear
The dark secrets we keep
The false faces and smiles
We paint on our faces
To cover
The love that
I’m sure I have in my life
Don’t I
Chapter 1
Jagged Pieces
“Say you’re ready for me, Nicky." Ryan's masculine voice seemed to hum. I was certain he had plucked a string and made it vibrate in my body. "Please say it. Tell me you want all of me like I want you. Make tonight your declaration. Tell me you're mine."
Earlier in the evening, Ryan had taken me to Gary Danko’s, a restaurant in North Beach that catered to couples looking for exquisite food, quiet music, and romance. Although I was only eighteen, Ryan’s local fame kept the staff from questioning my age.
While on the dance floor together, he held me in his big arms; they caressed my body. His masculine cheek rested against mine. The smooth music serenaded us while his head dipped and lay on my shoulder.
We were only dancing, but to me, those gentle movements were how I’d imagined sex might be: slow, every feeling heightened and exaggerated, my body succumbing to a new rhythm.
After dinner, he took me to the Irish Cultural Center to watch his brother, Chris, perform with his band. I sat next to Frances, Ryan's sister-in-law, who filled me in on their extensive travel schedule and had also warned me not to wait too long to tell Ryan I loved him.
Capping off the evening at the Yountville Inn, we chose to be close to the Veterans’ Hospital where we'd planned to volunteer in the morning. After settling in with a snack and several games of cards, suddenly the atmosphere changed.
Our date had been fantastic.
Ryan had asked me to trust him, reassuring me he wouldn’t push my boundaries.
Perhaps not realizing how aggressive he'd become as he encouraged me to be his lover, he moved on top of me, trying to ignite my passion, pressing my body into the soft mattress of the room's four-poster bed. It was as if this would cause me to give in—even though give in was all I fought against.
The moving, sensual parts of his masculine body—his hips, thighs, belly, and chest—drew me closer to my edge. The point of my letting go had blurred. I felt like his muscles were preparing to take me inside them.
The fire in his eyes seemed to wait for my surrender. A shiver of heat rippled through my body. He moved on, above, behind, and underneath me. It was as if he was encouraging me to reconsider the agreement I’d made with myself to stay a virgin until marriage.
Our lips met in luscious, passion-filled kisses. The tingling that teased every part of me made me tighten and then loosen my legs around him. I gasped for air as our mouths rubbed and pressed side to side for more. Ryan’s soft touch guided my lips to his and we repeatedly enjoyed the greed we found in each other.
Clenching and squeezing his arms, hands, and thighs, my belly ached as it pushed out, wanting his connection, anxious for more of his touch.
I didn’t know when I was excited, a man could feel it the way I felt it. I thought Ryan needed my verbal confirmation to move ahead with sex. Without knowing it, I had telegraphed a message to the man touching me: my light is green.
My trembling limbs clung to his sides as he changed positions. Suddenly, forcefully, brazenly I found myself on top of him, stretched open around his hips to receive a man inside of me for the first time.
Everything about him seemed ready to love me.
“Say you’re ready for me, Nicky." His masculine voice made a thermostat inside my body turn to its hottest setting. "Please say it. Tell me you want all of me like I want you. Commit to me. Tell me you’re mine.”
Although I’d been enchanted throughout our glorious evening and I was beyond excited, my mind wouldn’t let go.
Give in and he’ll leave you.
As I sat on top of him, only my panties stood in the way of being filled with a man's physical love and pleasure.
Sensations came hurling at me—hands that inched slowly down my body, thighs moving like an orchestrated symphony, my thighs joining his music and the chest I loved—heaving, prominent and taunting. Our bodies' undeniable yearning brought memories of the waves swelling, cresting and pounding down as they had during our remarkable evening at Half Moon Bay. He’d bared his soul while we sat on the beach there, revealing his passion, desire, and vulnerability—all to have and strengthen our relationship.
But at the Yountville Inn, after falling under Ryan’s spell, his words flurrying around me, sprinkled with the gold dust I loved, I covered myself with the thick armor of my childhood.
I retreated.
A glass-like ice inched around my heart.
My fear of intimacy and letting someone get too close immobilized me.
The heat I’d just felt was now frozen in the cold paranoia of abandonment.
This was too much too soon.
I wasn’t ready to let go completely.
Giving in would allow him inside me in every way, exposing every insecurity and vulnerability. The thought of opening and letting him see deeply into my dark soul scared me to death. As I pulled from his embrace, I felt my heart crack under the pressure of my emotions. Layer upon layer had piled up, until I was covered in the thick barrier of mistrust.
“I want to be with you in every way," I forced the words, struggling to break free from my dripping desire. “I'm sorry, I’m just not ready for sex.”
I stared at a corner of the room.
I felt as if time fractured.
Once again, I was a little girl.
My long hair covered my face.
I couldn’t look at him.
A failure—I knew that’s what I was with relationships. Because I couldn’t let anyone get physically or emotionally close, I pushed everyone away.
That night, it was as if a face of the clock I'd watched all my life had split in two; the minutes crumbling to the floor. Shards had splintered everywhere; I heard the pieces break all around us.
The scene I’d imagined so many times before—loving a boy and giving my body to him— shattered.
As I waited for the mood to shift and Ryan to turn away, I imagined him pulling the blankets with him, leaving me uncovered and exposed.
I let my shadows cover us with the finality of evening.
Because I didn’t surrender to Ryan, he’d taken it hard. Making things worse, I didn’t know how to explain myself so his feelings might be soothed.
The chill of abandonment fell on me.
All that was left was the act itself.
“I respect that you’re not ready and you need more time.” Ryan's voice held no emotion. The passion that had filled it a moment ago . . . gone. I felt his erection go soft beneath my body.
I held my breath waiting for him to get up, dress, and say goodbye.
But he’s still here, Nicky—he’s still here.
“Ryan, I didn't—”
“It’s all right.” His hand cupped the back of my head. He reached up to turn off the light with one of his big tattooed arms. I knew it might be the last time I’d see or feel his embrace.
We lay together that way—me on top of him, my breasts against his magnificent chest—for the rest of the night.
Just that quickly, the magic that was ours disappeared. The language of his body, his tender kisses and the way he held me—all the things that once told me I could trust him—vanished. I knew I’d lost him.
And yet he stayed, Nicky. He’s here.
I was wide-awake most of the night. Afraid to move, certain I’d broken our fragile bond of a couple—had I lost our friendship, too? Could that part of us survive, even if the romance died?
Chapter 2
A Cold Wind Blew In
As light overtook the sky, I felt Ryan move.
I lay awake the entire night, rehearsing our goodbye.
Jagged Heart (Broken Bottles Series Book 3) Page 1