100 Unfortunate Days

by Crowe, Penelope

  Day 40

  There is nothing more wonderful than having a garden maze next to your house. You could have sold the lot for bushels of money and they could have built a house there—but you kept the maze and watched the garden grow. At the back of the maze there are string beans growing in curls and turns that are over two feet long. And they are delicious. Past the wires and thread that hold the twisting beans, there is a broken fence. Thick trees let the sunlight shine through in thin strands. You can’t go back there because it belongs to someone else—but you have never seen anyone there.

  At the entrance of the maze is a chestnut tree and it can tell if a person is good or bad. Once on Thanksgiving, when no one knew we were there, I brought my boyfriend Frank to see the maze. It was late at night and everyone was sleeping. But the tree knew how Frank really was and dropped two prickly chestnuts down. One hit him on the back and one grazed his face. He said it hurt a lot and I called him a baby. We went in the maze anyway.

  It was the first time I had been in the maze in the dark. I saw a mouse underneath the black-eyed Suzies. Frank thought it was ridiculous in the garden, so we left. And I left him. Past the chestnut tree there are hydrangea bushes that are ten feet tall. The flower clusters are as big as holiday serving plates. They are twilight purple and crystal water blue and rose-pink and every shade in between. There is a small opening where the bushes don’t quite meet. It’s through here you can step into the garden. The bees will swarm you, but they are happy to see you, so they don’t sting. Their home is in the garden, and they never have to leave because they have everything they need.

  When you open your eyes after the bees scare you, you find yourself standing in a small clearing. Beneath your feet are flat pink and grey stones with thick green grass and clover between them. The sun seems brighter right here and you blink. The clearing is ringed with flowers: daisies, pansies and bleeding hearts, and there are three paths you can take, right, left or forward. The path to the left looks dark, and you think there might be some scary things that way. You would be correct. The path straight ahead looks manicured and well-tended and feels the friendliest. The path to the right looks a bit overgrown and wild. You would find yourself surrounded by green because the vines grow over your head like a covered bridge.

  Although I’ve gone left several times, I never had the nerve to stop near the trap-door in the grass. I saw my aunt pull open the first door there and black beetles poured out. She started to crush them with her thumbs. She told me to run and I did. When she came back out into the clearing to find me she looked happy—but she never spoke of it.

  Day 41

  One of the best days of my life was when I turned right. The curly vines stretched down and some of them touched my face and hair. At the exact point where the vines stop is a patch of snapdragons. When you pinch their cheeks, they open their mouths and tell you a secret. You have to listen very carefully. One of them told my sister never to tell anyone, but she did. I pinched a red one that day and a glass bead fell out of the flower’s mouth and into my hand.

  If you look very carefully at the bead in the sun you can see a tiny baby inside it. When there is no moon, the baby moves. I had the bead made into a ring and the jeweler told me I should set it in gold because it was a ruby. I did because the ruby is my birthstone, and if you wear your birthstone you will be lucky. The ring was beautiful and I took it off to wash my hands in a restaurant and accidentally left the ring there. The baby did not like being with me and found someone else.

  Day 42

  My double in the parallel universe is wired directly into my brain. This is troublesome in the real world because sometimes I have issues discerning what is here and what is there. What is right and what is wrong has always been a problem for me. What is right for me here is not necessarily right for me there. And the other issue is that my other is much prettier over there than I am here, and I dream about the other me all the time. This causes me to have self-esteem issues.

  My parallel other also followed through with everything she should have—there are no strings left unknotted for her. Although she is not smarter than I am, it seems she is because she does not need to listen to me in her head—I am blocked from her. So she does not know I exist and her life is easy. She does not have to second-guess herself, because there is no second her. On the other hand—I am my own doppelganger…and not a good one.

  My other has ESP. Her house is bigger than mine because she writes novels about astral travel, which she can do. She also writes about ley lines, because she knows where they are and she created a new science, something like Feng Shui, based on ley lines and black lines and searchers. She can feel them and she knows what directions they run. She can tell you if your energy is being stolen because you are living on a black line, because if you live there you will get cancer. She can also tell you to relocate to a chord point so energy can run back into you and your cancer can be cured. Everyone knows her there and everyone loves her. Her house is much bigger than mine, really.

  Day 43

  Pick the symbol you like the most:

  1. *

  2. #

  3. @

  4. &

  5. ?

  6. %

  7. +

  8. !

  9. {

  10. }

  This is what the symbols mean:

  1. If you picked the * you have the ability to read minds sometimes. Sometimes you can tell when the phone is about the ring, and sometimes you can even tell who is on the other end of the phone. Sometimes women find you confusing. You say you are going to do something but you really don’t mean it.

  2. If you chose # then you are smarter than you think you are. You also have a really big secret that you want to tell people but if you actually told them they would think you were weird. You love iced tea and you had a really odd nickname in school.

  3. Choosing this symbol @ means you love to drive and fly in planes. You have also contemplated cutting yourself with a knife or burning yourself with matches—not a lot, but just enough to see what it feels like. Maybe one or two of you have actually done it. You like the Beatles and have them on your iPod.

  4. The & symbol means you are more spiritual or religious than you will openly admit. There is a part of you that wants to tell everyone how much you love your god, but you are afraid they will think you are freaky. You like to swim in the ocean and you like the smell of burning punks in the summer. You hate mosquitoes.

  5. Liking the ? is not as obvious as you think. You are not necessarily confused but you do want a lot of things that you can’t have right now…like a new car. You also wish you could be in better shape. You love jelly beans, especially the red ones, and you like to gamble.

  6. The % sign is evil. You pretend you like people when you really don’t. You talk behind people’s backs. You like hamburgers and shellfish. You really are bad though.

  7. The + sign means you are very organized and keep all your perfectly cut coupons in a neat little folder that you carry with you at all times. Dinner is always on the table on time, or you want it to be. You are very mean to people who are not as organized as you. The wildest you ever get is being on top.

  8. Anyone that likes the ! pretends to be more optimistic than they actually are. They have contemplated suicide or at least moving away from their current life. They have some artistic ability or they like sports. If you like sports the circumference of your head is very large. You have buck teeth a little.

  9. If you like the { sign you are very sentimental and live in the past. You keep stuff in little jars in your garage that normal people would throw away. You like the taste of alcohol and are allergic to something that blooms in the spring but cannot figure what it is. Old people like you.

  10.If your sign is } you like to invent things—even if it is just in your head. You do not care about houseplants and would probably prefer them to die. You like toasted Wonder Bread with butter and love the smell of suntan lotion—especial
ly Coppertone.

  Day 44

  Almost everyone has an affinity for knives. Some people claim knives scare them, but those are the people who are the most fascinated. Some like little knives, with smooth green handles that only have one blade and are very easy to retract. This is the kind you can keep in your pocket and feel safe with. It doesn’t feel like a knife at all, but it could surely cut something if it had to.

  Other people like bigger knives—like the Ninja knives they sell for cooking and chopping. They never get dull. Some of these knives are made of ceramic —but they aren’t real knives—they are ghost knives. Still other people like knives specifically made to do damage. You can’t take these to school or work because if people saw you had one they would send you home and call the police.

  Most knifes made to do damage have black handles and black sheathes to store them in. They look like something Batman would carry, or Charles Manson. I know someone who collects swords, which are just oversized knives—like hatchets and machetes. There is no doubt these are made to kill people. An axe can chop wood and a machete can get you through a jungle, but that is not the reason for the fascination. All knives come with invisible blood and everyone can figure out how to get them to work.

  Day 45

  Another sunny day and another minute closer to summer and you could not care less. There is a point in time when you are no longer living your own life. You wake up and it is a race to get the things done that you need to get done. And someone is telling you if you don’t get these things done, you are incompetent. You are grateful for the warm weather, but you have to clean up the yard, then cook, then clean, then listen to everyone bitch at how much you suck. And at this point you probably do suck, because what the hell, whatever you do is going to be wrong anyway. So you can’t wait to go to sleep at night, but not with your husband. Sharing a bed is overrated. I don’t want to share my covers, I don’t want to shut the light off if I don’t care to, I don’t want to have to worry about someone else not wanting to watch TV, and I don’t want to have to hold in a fart because it might smell bad.

  Day 46

  Anything can be a tulpa. If you think of something long enough, you will make it real. You can make almost anything come true. Stacks of books are written about all the methods of imagery, manifestation and self-fulfilling prophecies—but in reality, all you have to do is think. Nothing tricky or fancy—just think. You’ll do this and you won’t even know it. You will worry about your kid…she’ll be sad at school, she’ll do badly with her new friends. Just keep it up—it will surely happen.

  Whatever you think about for your kids, whatever you worry about—that is what they will become. Pity them and they will become the kid that should be pitied. You gave them a tulpa. They are their own tulpa because of you. People take things away from us all the time. They call names, they give us wrong directions and they hurt our feelings. We take it from there.

  No one can ever talk to us as much as we talk to ourselves. “I’m such a witch, I’m such a witch…” One day your husband made you mad and you add something to his food that may upset his stomach just a little bit. “I’m such a witch…” The mole on your face has a hair you never noticed before. “…such a witch…” You no longer feel a communion with God. Somewhere along the line you become the witch.

  A tulpa is a thought come to life. Mystics in India believe if you can imagine something to the point of knowing it down to its finest detail—eventually you will have a hard time knowing if it is your imagination or not. Then this spirit/idea takes on shape and energy and it becomes real. So real that you can no longer get rid of it. So real that it can become a part of you and have the ability to change your life.

  Day 47

  Plant something. Do everything right…give it enough sun and water and see if it grows. If you give it too much sun, it could whither from the heat. If you give it too much water, you could drown it. If you totally ignore it the soil will dry up and it will die from neglect.

  Day 48

  My brain does not work

  She cried and she cried

  I’ve visions of demons

  And something has died

  The food that I cook

  Contains sticks and debris

  I lie here and sigh

  Feeling weak with ennui

  The thoughts in my head

  Contain lava and thorns

  My mind’s forming cracks

  And for sunshine it mourns

  And the small dancing devils

  In high-colored rooms

  Pass ideas among them

  And settle my glooms

  On my outstretched unconscious

  So that I’m not aware

  Although I’m alive

  I’m considered a spare

  Day 49

  Project for a rainy day.

  Stand in the rain until you are soaking wet. Come inside and put on dry clothes, but do not dry yourself off—let the rainwater soak into your skin. Go to sleep if it’s night or take a nap if it is before 6 PM. Before you fall asleep put a pad and pencil next to your bed. Sleep for at least 90 minutes.

  If you remember any dreams you had, write them down. Now the dreams are not just yours, but part of all the spirits and energy of heaven and earth. If you wake up startled from a bad dream, you are doing something bad in your life and you should fix it. The dream may indicate what you need to fix, or it may not. But you have to figure it out anyway. If you kill someone in your dream you are hurting someone and you need to stop. If someone kills you, you are in a bad relationship.

  Day 50

  Imagine you are in a room in the foyer of a round medieval spire. When you look up you see a winding stone staircase that is occasionally lit by the sun shining in through stained glass windows. You see two doors. One is a heavy wooden door with iron metalwork and a very big lock with a key that will open it. The other door has recently been replaced with a white six panel door and seems incongruous with the rest of the surroundings. Like Alice in Wonderland, you see an ornate table with a note that reads:

  Choose a door and enter.

  Which door do you choose?

  Day 51

  The Heavy Wooden Door with Iron

  This door leads to an opulent dining room lit with wall torches and music playing in the background. The walls are covered in beautiful oil paintings framed in ornate gold. In the center of the room is a long table covered with a feast fit for a king. There are goblets of wine and platters and tureens of roasted turkey, pumpkin soup, fruits, vegetables and sweets cakes and pies.

  Seated on red velvet chairs are people laughing and talking. You realize you know everyone there, and as you walk closer to greet them, you realize they are all dead relatives you once loved. But they are only half-dead now…and they have returned for a feast. They ask you to join them, but you are afraid. You miss them so much. You have not seen them in years and it is wonderful to hear their voices.

  You hang your head and wonder what you should do…and see the floor is made of playing cards. Kings, Queens, Jacks…and as your eyes flicker over the Joker, the floor starts to give way. The card you are standing on crumbles and falls into a dark hole in the ground. You jump so you don’t fall in. The Queen that is supporting you now only offers momentary support because she too begins to break into small pieces. You are jumping from card to card, the floor becoming a patchwork of open spaces where you could fall and fall and fall.

  You look up to your family at the table and they are watching you and laughing. You notice their feast is not what is first appeared to be. The table is now covered with fish bones and newspaper. You can’t look for long or you will perish. So you keep jumping.

  Day 52

  The White Painted Door

  This door is not easy to open. You will need to figure out the code on the frame before you can go in. Wondering if the code has something to do with you personally, you type in your name. It remains locked. You type in your birthday, your a
ge, your name broken down to numerology, your child’s birthday, your anniversary, the age you lost your virginity, and any other pattern or important date you can think of. And still it won’t open.

  Now you are a bit frustrated and bored and you try to leave, but the door leading to the outside is also locked. You look down and notice you are standing on a grate, and beneath the grate something is moving. You assume it is running water. Dark—almost black water. And the water level is rising.

  You have a new desire to figure the code. You enter Pi, Avogadro’s number, the date in 2012 the Mayan calendar says the world is going to end—the door remains locked and the water level is still rising. You notice it does not sound like water though. You hear little clicky noises. It is not water, but spiders—millions of black spiders getting closer and closer to your feet. You enter the oven temperature for your favorite cupcakes, the lottery numbers your mother plays twice a week for the last 45 years, and your passwords for all your email and computer accounts.