by Mike Truk
I wanted to ask: Are you in danger of turning into an unstoppable demon? But, biting back that question, I instead reached out to touch her arm.
She flinched. I drew my hand back, hesitated, then touched her on the shoulder.
Neveah glanced down at my hand, up at me, then away.
“You’ve been keeping your shit together like… I don’t know what the right metaphor is. Amazingly well. I mean, after what was revealed to us? Your past? You’re -”
“I don’t need compliments,” said Neveah, tone turning terse. “I understand that you hold me in high esteem, and I appreciate it. But please. Don’t try to make me feel better by simply saying nice things.”
“All right.” I moved closer, turning to sit on the edge of the desk. “So, you feel like you’re falling apart. When did this new emotion start?”
“After…” She trailed off, took a deep breath, and tried again. “To be precise? After you failed to cleanse my sanctum.”
“Ah. Right. Makes sense.” I sucked on my teeth for a moment, staring at the far wall blankly.
Neveah hunched her shoulders and lowered her head, as if coiling into herself or bracing for a blow. “Lilith has my command phrase. For all we know it could be common knowledge amongst her lieutenants. Regent Morgana no doubt knows it, perhaps even Emelias. You keep asking why they’re not rushing to kill you. Perhaps it’s because they know they can unleash my… demon… at any point they want. And then I’ll do all the killing for them.”
I hadn’t considered that possibility, and my legs, which had been gently kicking back and forth, froze in place as I tensed.
My mind spun, trying to find a flaw in her conjecture. A way to protest.
I couldn’t come up with anything.
“And if so?” Her voice was little more than a whisper now. “Then they’re right. It takes a second, perhaps two, to say those words. Then who knows what I’d do? Whom I’d kill? If they could control me with more of the same magic, direct me to do their bidding?”
I shuddered at the thought. I felt my throat clamp up, strangling any attempt on my part to reassure her, to protest that she was wrong.
“Which is why you can’t keep me around,” said Neveah. “I’m objectively too dangerous, Noah. No matter what you might feel for me, or I for you.”
“I’m not letting you go,” I said.
“I know.” She turned to me, and her smile was heartbreakingly sweet. “But I’m not asking you for your permission.”
“You’re leaving?”
“I didn’t realize it until now. Had felt… grief. Panic. Rage.” Her brow furrowed. “Like I was losing control. And only now, here, with you, is it all falling into place. I can’t stay close to you, Noah.”
“Wait, hold up.” I jumped off the desk to face her. “What the fuck are you talking about? We need you. I need you. You can’t leave us. We’re just getting our shit together. Sure, we failed at cleansing your sanctum, but that doesn’t mean someone out there can’t help us, or that Imogen and I can’t think of another way -”
She cupped my cheek with her palm, the gesture smoothly executed, so unexpected that my words fell silent.
“Noah.” Tears glimmered in her eyes. “You’re a good man. Thank you for trying. For… loving me.” The tears brimmed in her eyes then spilled down her cheeks. Her smile remained, bittersweet, turning her usually grim visage into that of a lovely, beautiful woman. “But I’m leaving. I can’t risk the fate of the universe in the hope of finding salvation.”
“No,” I said, voice hoarse, feeling desperate. “You can’t leave. I won’t let you.”
“We can communicate through our sanctums,” she said. “I’ll follow you at a great distance. Perhaps move ahead of you, clearing the way of obstacles. But I won’t be close enough to be used against you. And alone, I have a much higher chance of avoiding Lilith’s traps.”
“Neveah, no,” I said again. “Don’t do this. We are stronger together. Don’t break our circle.”
“I’d rather break our circle than destroy it,” she said. “Goodbye, Noah. Thank you for everything.”
And she leaned in to kiss my cheek, the brush of her lips cool against my skin. For but a moment she lingered there; then she stepped past me and was gone.
Chapter 7
“What happened?” asked Emma, moving forward to meet me as I emerged from the backrooms. “She all right?”
Her words echoed my own so perfectly that I couldn’t help but give a bitter shake of my head. “You didn’t see her leave?”
“Neveah left?” Emma turned to the others. “No?”
“No,” said Brielle. Imogen, who’d sat down to carefully construct a multi-layered sandwich, also gave a curt shake of her head.
“Well, she’s gone.” I cast around, looking for liquor. I saw a recessed shelf within a shallow alcove glittering with crystal bottles but steeled myself against the impulse. “For my sake, she said.”
Imogen stood, took two steps forward, and drew up short. “She’s gone? As in, left us for good?”
Little Meow had been working a kink in Valeria’s shoulder, but both had frozen, staring at me in shock.
“Her demon,” I said, suddenly feeling exhausted, as if a huge coat of lead had been draped over my shoulders. “She was worried about the enemy using it against us. Using it to kill me whenever they needed me gone. Said that was why they were so confident, why they weren’t rushing to put me down. So she removed herself from the board.”
“But… no.” Emma shook her head. “She can’t just leave. Without talking to us? How could she do that?”
“I understand,” said Brielle. “Talking would only make the pain harder. And she’s right.”
“How can you say that?” asked Emma, turning to confront her. “We’re stronger together, we depend on her so much in a fight -”
Brielle’s expression was at once hard and resigned. “She was right. Emelias and everyone’s relaxed attitude makes sense when you consider they know her command words. And Noah. How well would we fare against Neveah’s demon if it tried to kill us?”
My expression was answer enough.
Emma’s shoulders slumped.
“Perhaps we were coasting on wishful thinking,” said Imogen softly. “But damn. This is…” She shook her head as she considered. “A terrible blow.”
I knew I had to rouse them, to gather them close and lift their spirits. But right there and then, I couldn’t. Instead, I moved over to a deck chair and sat heavily on its end, elbows on knees, steepled fingers before my mouth and nose.
Imogen was staring off into the distance, frowning as she continued to think the situation through. “And we’ve most likely lost the ability to regenerate our magical reservoirs by gathering in Noah’s reservoir. Along with any chance of him bringing forth any more sanskaras.”
“Shit,” said Brielle, stepping back to sit down.
“But she didn’t kill you in the manifold,” said Emma. “She stopped herself, even in her demon form. Isn’t there - wasn’t there - a chance she could gain control of the demon?”
I remembered that moment - Morghothilim plunged through my chest, her face inhumanly beautiful, gaze alien and distant, wings flared out to blot out the sky, her ancestral home burning down.
“Maybe,” I said at last. “But shit. She relented last time only after plunging three feet of her sword through me. I don’t know how long it might take her to change her mind about you guys.”
Emma nodded, also sitting down.
Valeria placed a hand on her shoulder and rolled the joint around, nodding up to Little Meow before rising to her feet.
She rose with a sense of deliberation, of purpose, that drew our eyes. Reaching up to gather her golden hair, she twisted it into a rough bun, then stabbed it through with a chopstick to hold it in place.
She moved to stand before us, back to the pool, hands on her hips. Her expression was grim, and I had a flashback to her manifold trial, how she’d held h
erself with such natural authority while commanding the forces of Japhar. I could almost see her in her full armor and regalia if I squinted.
“What’s done is done,” said Valeria, tone calm yet forceful. “Neveah knows her mind, and if she’s decided to go, then it’s too late to stop her.”
All nodded.
“Our circle is broken, and we’ve lost some tactical advantages that we hadn’t even yet come to rely upon. That hurts, but we can continue as before.”
Little Meow raised her hand. “Excuse me? Sorry to interrupt. But Neveah is still bound to Noah, is she not? Can’t you draw her forth from her sanctum when you need to replenish your reservoirs?”
Imogen frowned. “I suppose so? I’ll admit I was… yes. My mistake. I was equating physical presence with the ability to coordinate in the sanctums. Noah?”
“If she responds,” I said. “Her sanctum is seriously fucked up, and her form in there is impaled by Morghothilim. She just floats in there, eyes closed. But we can definitely try to reach her.”
Valeria nodded. “That’s a consideration, but I still don’t think we’ll be able to count on it. Especially not as part of our tactics mid-battle. Neveah might be caught up in her own troubles when we need her, and not respond. So we’ll proceed with caution. For now, we need to see to our own morale, and place our faith in the Source and Neveah’s wisdom.”
I sat up a little straighter. “You think the Source is behind this?”
Valeria’s smile was tight. “I’m probably the last person to ask. But going forward, I’ve decided to start attributing more shit to the Source’s will. Why? Makes it easier to keep my confidence up.”
“That’s, what, like predestination?” asked Emma.
“I’m already out of my depth,” said Valeria. “All I’m saying is that I’m choosing to believe in an active, conscious force for good that is helping steer us toward victory. Even setbacks like this one. And no, I don’t think that position will stand up to scrutiny, or why the Source would have allowed the previous Saviors to fail, but there you have it - my current philosophical take on the universe and how it works, which is helping me right now. Neveah left us for a good reason, and she’ll return to us at the right time. In so doing, she’s removed an existential threat from the enemy’s arsenal, so I applaud her decision. Especially when I consider how hard it would be for me to leave you all and go it alone.”
There were more nods from all around.
Despite the pain I felt over Neveah’s departure, I also felt muted joy at seeing Valeria standing before us like this. It felt like she’d come back, like the sun had come out after being hidden behind the clouds for so long. Perhaps confronting her as I’d done, tapping Svadhisthana, had been the right move after all.
“What we need to do now is draw in our focus, put away our pain, and get ready for our upcoming voyage. Neveah’s sacrificing her personal well-being for us. That means we must be worthy of that sacrifice, which means doing everything we can to prepare. Noah, you still feeling good about leaving the day after tomorrow?”
“Sure,” I said. “It’ll give us just enough time to heal up. Little Meow?”
“Agreed,” she said. “You need to eat, sleep, make love, train, laugh, and do everything you can to refill not just your magical reservoirs, but your personal, emotional reserves. This may very well be the last time we have such a reprieve in a long, long time.”
“Then I say we make the most of it,” said Valeria. “Let’s not linger on the grief we feel over Neveah’s departure, but approach this restorative time with vigor and intention. The best thing we can do now is to be in fighting form when we approach Morgana, and I know that’s what Neveah would want for us.”
“Agreed,” I said, rising and moving to stand by Valeria’s side. “The one thing nobody would ever accuse Neveah of being is soft. So, we must try and be as strong as she is. Let’s focus on more of what we were doing before. We’ve got this afternoon, all of tomorrow, and perhaps the morning after to prepare.
“Valeria, you up for leading us through more stretches and combat training? Imogen, let’s get some meditation in. I want everyone to improve their grip on the Vam Mantra, myself included. I keep dropping it just when I need it most. Little Meow, please open your massage parlor. I want us to keep training our wards so that they can resist more than a blow or two, and Emma, I want you to work with Little Meow on the healing aspects of Anahata.”
“Question,” said Emma. “You all have access to Anahata as well, right? The super opened version that allows wards? What’s to stop you all from developing healing as well?”
I went to answer, but stopped, turning to Little Meow with my eyebrows raised. “Thoughts?”
Little Meow reached up to curl her dark hair behind one ear. “I mean, it’s possible? Emma’s correct. It’s just a matter of tapping into that aspect of Anahata’s power.”
“I would argue against it,” said Imogen. “For the following reason: we simply don’t have time. I believe we’d be better served entering Gharab with strong wards than weak ones and a weak ability to heal.”
I hesitated, then finally gave a reluctant nod. “It’s something we can work on once we’ve mastered our wards. Better to not get hurt in the first place than being able to bounce back after being injured. Good thought, though, Emma.”
Little Meow clapped her hands. “First order of business is more healing! Emma, will you assist? Everyone and anyone who has aches, pains, bruises, contusions, lacerations, broken bones, concussions, is feeling light-headed, dizzy, nauseous, or having trouble focusing, please pay a visit to the Savior Clinic! We’ll be opening in five minutes and look forward to providing you with the very best in customer care!”
I grinned. “I thought it was Little Meow’s Massage Parlor?”
“That’s after dark,” said Little Meow, giving me a wink. “Feel free to stop by then. But now, please bring your injuries, no matter how slight!”
Emma laughed and rose to her feet, moving to link her arm with Little Meow’s and follow her, chatting, through the alcove and into the room with the massage table.
“I might get some more healing,” mused Valeria. “Still not feeling completely myself.”
I cupped her face with both hands and stepped in close. “I’d disagree. I haven’t seen you like this in some time. I’d say you’re very much becoming yourself again.”
She placed a hand over my own, tilting her head to one side and smiling. “Well, if that’s the case, it’s thanks to the wake-up call you gave me. Thank you. I may or may not have been starting to drown in a small ocean of self-pity.”
“Any time,” I said, leaning in to kiss her lightly. “And perhaps we can find a little time later to celebrate?”
“That’d be nice,” she said, eyelids lowering slightly as she smiled up at me. “But fair warning. I won’t go easy on you.”
“I wouldn’t want you to.”
She chuckled, stepped away, and I moved to the foot of the pool. Despite the uptick in the mood I still felt uneasy and disheartened, and so waded down into the hot water, tossing aside my clothing as I went. I dove forward in just my underwear to swim the short distance to the far side; there I turned and floated, gazing up at the ceiling.
It was vaulted, slender chains of gold descending to hold crystal lamps, whose interiors glowed with some sourceless fire. Old paintings were barely visible high above and across the ceiling, faded now - perhaps by the constant humidity. The paint had bubbled outward here and there, or burst to hang in ragged strips.
With my ears submerged, I could only hear the slow beating of my heart. The vortex in the pool’s corner that drained away the dirt exerted an inexorable pull on me, turning me about on the surface and gently sucking me toward it.
How was I doing? I consciously tried to take stock. Neveah’s departure had rocked me. Only now did I realize how much I’d come to depend on her silence presence, how safe having her around made me feel. It wasn’t just her lethalit
y in battle, but her constant vigilance, her cool, calm evaluation of every situation. She’d been like a safety rail for our whole group, the one person I knew would never falter, never blink.
And now she was gone, and I felt vulnerable, concerned for the others. I’d have to step up and fill her void, to become more attentive, to keep my guard up. To watch out for the surprises that Neveah would have countered before.
Valeria was a source of cheer. She felt back on track - purposeful, assertive. I’d have to make sure she stayed that way and didn’t drift back into darkness.
Imogen? I’d need to spend time with her as well. She was feeling more uncertain of herself, making mistakes that she’d not have in the past. Not that I blamed her; reconciling her past with her present had to be brutally hard. That was the shit people back home on Earth went to therapy for their entire lives, and we were needing her to heal in just months.
My foot dipped, sucked into the vortex. I swam away, pulling free and floating back into the center.
In the end, that was all I could really do, I realized. Love them, love all of them. Cherish them, help bolster their strengths, and counter their weaknesses. Trust them. Help them be their best selves by doing the same.
And me?
I closed my eyes, sinking into the velvety darkness that expanded in every direction behind my eyelids, hovering there in the crimson gloom. How was I doing?
There’s weakness in you, Noah Kilmartin, I heard Morgana say. Deep fissures in your foundation. Wounds that you’ve not yet recovered from. How solid are you, Noah? Would just the right blow at just the right angle shatter you?
No, bitch, I thought. It wouldn’t.
Then I subsided and just floated, mulling the possibility. Could I be taken apart by the right attack?
I thought of my companions, everything I’d been through. Victor. Enigma and the manifold. I thought of the love that ringed me, that centered me. And yes, I’d taken some deep wounds - no denying that.
But no. Even as I’d suffered, I’d grown stronger.