“Just give us the chance to prove there’s a future. You say you’re tired of fighting. Then stop. We’ll fight for you. You’ve earned a break. Please just give us the time to prove to you that we can have a future, free from fear.”
He was crying again and to my surprise the tears were also flowing down my own cheeks. My body was shaking. Could I really do what he asked? Was it worth it? Maybe there was a chance. If I gave up now, then I would have fought all this time for nothing. Still I didn’t think I could keep going on with the nightmares and memories indefinitely. The tears finally slowed. And I asked him. “How long? How long are you asking me to give you?”
A smile creeped up on his face as hope flowed through his eyes. Just give us three months. I know we can have answers in three months.”
I shook my head. That was too long. I didn’t have the strength to go on for another three months. “I’ll give you thirty days. But if that time comes and goes and you can’t prove to me that there is a future free from fear for the human race, then you let me go. You stop fighting me and you let me go. And you have to promise and if you break this promise just know that I’ll end it anyways and there’ll be nothing you can do to stop me.”
The smile faltered on his face for a moment. But only a moment. “You have a deal. Now will you come back to the party with me?” He asked offering me his arm. “There’s a bottle of wine with your name on it, I’m sure of it.” I stared at his arm for a moment and another memory came flooding back.
I was eight years old and plucking strawberries in the garden. I had a crush on a boy at school (the last year my dad allowed me to attend). I think his name was Craig. And I asked my mom, “Mom how did you know daddy was the one you wanted to marry.” She smiled at me and said, “Because he held his arm out for me whenever we walked together.” I stared at her confused. “You see Paige, your father cared enough about me that he wanted to show me that I was worth being a gentleman for.”
A smile I couldn’t control crossed my face as I took Seth’s arm. A strange warmth filled my heart as he led me back to the party.
Chapter Sixteen
The moment the door to the office opened I could hear music coming from the common area. I didn’t like it. The sound was much louder than anything I was used to hearing at night or near night as it was. Normally we shut down all loud sounds two hours before sunset. I didn’t have a watch on me but I knew sunset wasn’t that far off.
Along with the music there was another sound that sounded oddly like an animal being tortured. I gave Seth a questioning look, but he only laughed and told me I needed to see it. The closer we got the louder the sound grew. The worse it got. It no longer sounded like animal in pain, but one that was desperately trying to screech in tune to the music. I stopped dead in my tracks when I saw Cletus standing on a raised platform in the middle of the room next to the television singing along to Billy Cyrus’s old classic ‘My Achy Breaky Heart.’
It was like watching an accident unfold before my eyes but being unable to look away. Cletus was either completely unaware of how awful he sounded or he was too drunk to care. And he looked absolutely absurd gyrating with his big old pot belly to the music. I was pretty sure that image would never leave my memory.
Seth laughed beside me at my disturbed expression. “I don’t know what’s funnier,” he said loudly so I could hear him over the music. “His singing or your expression. Care to go for a duet?” he said raising his eyebrow twice. I shook my head quickly. He laughed again.
“I don’t think I’m drunk enough for that,” I said pointing to Cletus who was thankfully wrapping up his song.
“Well we can help with that.” He pulled me towards the table and poured me another cup of wine. This time it was only half full. But judging by how I was already feeling it might be enough to set me over the edge. I eyed it cautiously before deciding that if I was going to endure this night, then I was going to need more wine. Beyond the terrible music, was still the annoying voice that wouldn’t let me relax with the volume being so high. None of the others in our group seemed to have a problem.
Kyle and Wes were in the corner having a chug off with some beer. Jane was relaxing in a chair next to Matthew as she slowly sipped a normal size glass of wine. Even Frank looked like he was in a good mood. He smiled at me raising his nearly empty glass of alcohol. I lifted mine up in reply and then took a small sip. If everyone else here could enjoy this, then maybe we were safer than I thought. After all they’d survived this long and Seth wasn’t an idiot. He wouldn’t put us in needless danger.
I took up my old seat next to Clara who was no longer as annoying as I remembered, thanks to the wine. Seth decided to find another singing partner after I’d declined to join him. He dragged a happy but shy Matthew up onto the stage and sang a song I’d never heard before. “It’s from one of Matthew’s favourite movies,” Clara informed me. They had movie night once a week, no more than that because they needed to conserve power, and every other movie was a kids’ movie for Matthew’s sake.
I couldn’t help but smile as I watched Seth with Matthew. He was so natural with him. He was like his older brother. I could see that was how Matthew saw Seth. And I thought that having Matthew must have somewhat lessened Seth’s pain over losing his own brother, by allowing him to take on that big brother role once more.
Watching them reminded me of the times my sister and I used to sing show tunes at the top of our lungs. Our mother had loved the theatre and we’d grown up with show tunes much to our father’s protests. My mom would pluck away at the piano keys with her sheet music and us three girls would sing as loud as we could while our father pretended to be annoyed. We were never happier than when we were singing. A lump grew in my throat and I knew I was on the verge of losing it again so I quickly downed my drink and started a conversation up with Clara just to get my mind off of things.
It didn’t take much. Clara loved to hear her own voice and listening to her chat away actually worked. Soon I was distracted again. And after several other people had taken their turn on the stage, I even allowed Clara to pull me up on the stage. I only agreed to sing something I knew and seeing as my song choices were limited we went with an old Reba McEntire song, ‘Does He Love You.’ She’d been my dad’s favourite singer. While he objected to show tunes, country was always something that would get him up and dancing with my mom.
It had been a long time since I’d sung and then it was only in front of Molly so I was worried that stage fright would kick in but strangely it felt natural to be up there singing. And though I was pretty sure I was drunk, I actually sounded pretty good. That could have been the wine talking. I was good enough that when Clara and I were finished she refused to ever sing a duet with me ever again.
“You were suppoooooosed…. toooo suck,” she said as she stormed off to find her sister. I couldn’t tell if she was actually mad or faking it. It wasn’t hard to be better than her, seeing as she was having trouble not slurring her words just when talking let alone singing. I couldn’t help but laugh as I watched her stumble her way over to Sandy, who didn’t look too impressed with her sister’s sloppy state.
I sat back down by myself but it wasn’t long before Matthew and Seth pulled up beside me. I looked to see Jane’s reaction but she was busy chatting with Helen and her husband, Austin, so she didn’t notice. “She was right you have a beautiful voice,” Seth said as he offered me some food off his plate. My cheeks flushed at the complement. I tried to ignore it and instead decided that after nearly two full glasses of wine I should probably take something, so I grabbed a handful of chips off of his plate. They were stale, but still a nice treat seeing as highly processed food wasn’t easy to come by anymore. It hadn’t taken the rats long to dive into them.
“He’s right. Your voice is like an angel,” Matthew said sweetly. “Will you sing again?”
“He’s right, we could use your talent up there on the stage. I’m afraid if you don’t, we might have to listen to Clet
us again.” I cringed at the thought. Matthew laughed loudly. It was fun to see him laugh and smile like a child.
I swore one time up on stage was enough for me. But after another half glass of wine, and a sip of whisky which I nearly spit up, I went up for a solo. And then another. And at the insistence of the crowd I sang one last song. I didn’t even remember picking the song so when the tune came up, though familiar, I wasn’t sure what song it was until the lyrics came on screen. And even with the lump in my throat I proceeded to sing her favourite song, ‘How do I live without you.’ It was some time during the first run through the chorus when the first tear fell down my cheek. But I kept singing. It was like I could hear her sweet little voice begging me to sing it just one more time. And so I did. By the end, my whole body was shaking, and I could barely get the words out, because I was fighting back the sob that threatened to rise up out of my throat.
When I finished they were all staring at me. I made the mistake of looking over in Seth’s direction and that was when I realized what a mess I was. The tears had flowed down my cheeks for so long that my eyes hurt and my throat hurt from trying to supress the sobs. I rushed off the stage away from the crowd, away from Clara who tried to hug me and away from Seth’s look of pity.
Several people called after me, I was pretty sure I even heard Jane’s voice in the throng of voices, but I ignored them all. They could have easily caught up to me with the slowness of my limp, but no one chased after me. The look on my face surely told them I didn’t want to be around anyone.
I eventually found myself on the main floor bathroom. When I was first brought here they told me it didn’t work, which wasn’t a complete lie. That bathroom had been under construction when the world finally fell apart, so it never got completed and the people in our group weren’t exactly the construction type, so they didn’t bother trying to fix it. But just a week before they’d actually managed to finish the renovation. Doc told me Seth did it for me.
It was a beautiful bathroom, the type you might find in a fancy hotel. It had automatic flushing toilets and water faucets and beautiful tiled floors. All the materials had been here but they didn’t know how to put them in until Seth decided it was time to figure it out and went on a raid to the local library to find books on bathroom renovations. He’d done an amazing job for someone who knew nothing about construction.
I stood in front of the mirror feeling mortified at the reflection that stared back at me. My eyes were swollen and wet. The tears were still flowing. My auburn curls hung limp and lifeless by my face. Now that I was alone there was no longer the need to force the sobs down and so I released them as I hung onto the sink for stability.
There wasn’t enough alcohol in this world to kill this pain. She was everywhere, in my dreams, in the music, in Matthew’s smile. My mother used to tell me that she loved the little reminders of her own mother. She said that it helped keep her memory alive. But it wasn’t that way for me. Her memory was a constant reminder of my failure and of how utterly alone I was. I was with a large group of people. The largest I’d ever lived with and yet I was still alone.
Seth was wrong. Maybe there was a future for them, but there would never be for me. How could I live without her? She’d been my whole world. It wasn’t like I could just find someone to take her place. Even Seth couldn’t do that with his brother. He cared for Matthew. Acted like his big brother. But Matthew wasn’t his little brother. There would never be another Molly.
I collapsed to the floor laying my head down on the cold bathroom tile as I let the tears flow freely. I don’t know how long I lay there alone. Eventually my tear reserves ran dry. All I knew was when I came in the sun was slowly setting through the bathroom window and by the time someone came looking for me the light had long passed, leaving me in the near pitch darkness with only the clouded moon to give me any light.
He sat down on the floor beside me not saying a word as he placed his lamp down on the tile next to me. To my surprise I actually wanted him there. I didn’t realize how badly I wanted him to come looking for me. I didn’t want anyone else, not Clara, not Matthew, certainly not the doctor. If anyone else had come looking for me, I probably would have yelled at them. But I needed Seth here. He had become a calming force in my life. When he was around it was like the pain was only a dull ache. Life was almost bearable. I didn’t know when he’d become that for me. It had probably happened so slowly that I hadn’t even noticed until this night.
“Are they still singing?” I finally asked weakly. My voice came out as almost a croak. It reminded me of the first time we met, when my throat was so sore, I could barely even get a word out.
“No. No one felt much like singing after you left,” he said reaching out for my hand, but thinking it was a mistake he started to pull it back. I moved my hand towards his. A small smile fell on his lips as he took hold of my hand. As he squeezed it gently, warmth slowly travelled up my arm all the way to my heart.
“I’m sorry I ruined the party,” I replied trying not to cry again. They’d all been having so much fun. I actually felt guilty it had ended because of my silly emotional breakdown.
“No don’t be,” he reassured me. “We haven’t celebrated in so long; I think we might have over done it. Plus, nightfall was on its way and we probably should have shut it down awhile before that. I’m pretty sure I’m going to have a splitting headache by the morning and Clara’s already thrown-up twice.”
I cringed. That was probably to be my fate by the morning. Thankfully, I was still in the buzzed stage, so I probably had a couple of hours before I realized the full weight of my mistake. We sat in silence for awhile longer, me because I couldn’t think of what to say and him because he seemed to enjoy the quiet. We were quiet for so long I nearly fell asleep twice on the cold tile.
“Come on,” he finally said getting up on his knees and offering me his hands. “Time to get you to bed.”
I shook my head groggily. I couldn’t even think of facing the others. Most of them were probably still awake chatting as usual before everyone went to sleep. Remembering the way they’d all looked at me, was threatening to bring on a fresh wave of tears. “I’m not ready to see them yet. Please, just a little while longer.”
“Don’t worry,” he replied still holding his hands out for me. I figured you’d need some space, so I found somewhere else for you to sleep tonight. It’s private and it even has a real bed.” I stared at him in confusion. Where in this factory could there possibly be a real bed? The warmth of the wine was fading as the cold from the tile took over, causing my body to shake. I couldn’t stay here. So I took his offered hands and allowed him to pull me up off the floor. I hadn’t realized how stiff I’d become from lying in that cramped position, but my body was really starting to ache. It was bound to feel so much worse by morning.
Seth took up his lamp off the floor and then wrapped my arm over his shoulder as he guided me out of the washroom. I was so groggy that I didn’t even notice where we were going until we were already there. He took me to the small meeting room that housed little more than a desk and a couple of tall storage cupboards. I stared at him in confusion. He just smiled back at me as he placed his lamp on the desk and headed over to the storage cupboards. In the shadowed darkness it was hard to see what he was doing but he appeared to be pushing some sort of clasps on either side of the large storage cabinet and then the cupboard slowly started to fall forward revealing a queen-sized bed. It was fully fitted with blankets and pillows and everything one needed to get a good nights’ sleep.
“Ta da,” he said. “It’s a murphy bed. What you’ve never heard of a murphy bed?” He asked in response to my quizzical look. I just shook my head. “Well I think the old boss in this building might have liked taking naps on the job, so he had this thing installed. It’s been great for when I don’t feel like sleeping in the crowded common room or when Cletus is having a bad snoring night.” I laughed shocking myself a little. Maybe the wine was still having an effect. C
letus could be pretty noisy and that large empty room had a tendency to help sounds travel very easily.
“Well don’t be shy. Come on over.” Slowly I moved towards the bed, a real bed. I hadn’t slept in one of those since I left my home. I’d had fun in one, but not actually slept in one. It almost seemed too good to be true. I sat down cautiously on the edge and bounced a couple of times. It was soft like a cloud. I knew the boss had to have been a woman. My mother always told me men liked their beds to be rock hard, that was why she never let my dad come mattress shopping with her. “So what do you think?”
“It’s perfect. But how come no one else has laid claim to it?” A sheepish grin crossed his face.
“Because no one else knows it exists. Shhh,” he said placing his finger over his lips. “It’ll be our secret.” I laughed as I agreed. It was a secret worth keeping. He moved back over towards the desk as I pulled up the bedding and scooted to the far, left-side of the bed. Seth turned on the small heater we had in the room and set it to low knowing how uncomfortable I’d been during our earlier meeting with it at full power.
“Thank–you,” I yawned feeling the exhaustion overtake me. I was struggling to keep my eyes open
“You’re welcome,” he whispered. He took up his lamp and headed for the door. “Is there anything else I can get you before I leave?” he asked.
“Don’t go,” I whispered sleepily. I couldn’t imagine spending a night alone in this tiny dark space. I’d never slept on my own, not even as a child. Molly and I had shared a room growing up. And then when we joined our group, we were always together in one room. As much as I wasn’t ready to be with the group, I also wasn’t able to be alone. The idea frightened me. It was scary enough to fall asleep in our world, never mind trying to sleep alone.
Seeking Daylight Page 16