“But you didn’t,” Seth reminded me.
“Only because you stopped me. I’m such an idiot,” I grunted out in frustration as I buried my face in my hands. Seth relaxed a little but still held onto me.
“What did they take?” He asked again.
I looked back up at him as a fresh wave of tears rolled down my cheeks. “They took it from her. I left it with her. It was the only thing she brought. My mother made it for her. Wherever we went, she kept it close.”
“What was it?” he asked again calmly. He was being so rational with me, whereas I was still acting completely insane. And I didn’t think he’d understand why it was so important. To anyone else it was just a stuffed animal.
“It was her stuffed bunny, her favourite toy. It had her birth bracelet on it. I left it with her.” I started sobbing again as I threw myself into his chest clinging to his robe with my hands. He held me tighter. “I left her. I just left her there to rot, and they found her, and they took it. It’s my fault. I didn’t even think. We don’t leave our dead, we bury them, and I just left her there.” I shook hysterically as Seth attempted to console me.
I don’t know how long I cried for in his arms, but it must have been awhile. The infected gave up. We were once again alone. My tears had run dry, though my body still shook from leftover sobs. “How could I just leave her there?” I held on tightly to my necklace.
“You didn’t have a choice. You were injured.”
“I should have died with her.”
“Please don’t say that. You lived for a reason. You have to believe that.”
“I was supposed to protect her. I promised.”
“You did your best. So did I, when I lost Scott. I know how you feel. I had to leave him too. There were too many to bury. Doc wouldn’t let me stay. I hated him for a long time for that.”
“How did you get over it?” I asked.
“I don’t know that I have. But since you’ve come into my life, things are getting better. There are days when I don’t feel so sad. And hope helps drive me to make a better world. You make me want to make a better world. You make me want a future.” He planted one soft kiss on my forehead. My head had been resting on his chest for a long time now. He must have been uncomfortable by the awkward position on the floor, but he never complained or tried to adjust his position.
He was more than I deserved. He’d been there for me through the lies. Even when I pushed him away, he kept coming back. He deserved more of me. I did what I didn’t think I was capable of doing. I reached around my neck and unclasped the chain. I placed my locket in his hands. He looked at me curiously for a moment before he opened the locket. Inside on one side was a picture of my parents on the day they got married. On the other was the last picture my mother had taken of Molly and me. She’d taken the photo just one month before she died. She’d developed it in her own little basement photo studio.
Seth looked at my parents intently. A smile crept up on his face. “You look like your mother, especially her eyes.” Then his eyes shifted to the picture of Molly and me. He stared for a moment and then his mouth dropped wide open.
“What?” I asked.
“This is Molly?” He asked pointing at her picture. I nodded. His face turned pale. “I’ve seen her before.”
“When?”
“The day we met. Remember I asked you where the other person was?” I had to think back to that moment. I’d had my head knocked around quite a bit, to the point where the memory was kind of hazy. But I did briefly remember him asking about someone else and I’d told him I was alone. “I found you because I followed her,” he pointed to Molly’s picture. “I saw her on the street. Jane didn’t see her because she was looking at one of the other buildings. We weren’t even going to check out the street you were on. We’d searched there over a month ago and found nothing. But I saw a young girl with blonde curls staring back at me looking terrified. She ran off in the direction of the gun shop. I yelled after her, but she didn’t listen. She just kept running. I ran after her with Jane yelling after me. I saw her go into the gun shop just before those three men.”
My mind was reeling. I knew Seth would never lie about something so important. But how could it be possible? Of course, I’d seen Molly in my dreams, but I always brushed that off to a figment of my imagination. Then I remembered the dream where she told me that she was the one who saved me.
I took the locket back from Seth and stared at the picture of Molly. The tears began flowing again. “She saved me. She said she did, but I didn’t understand. She brought you to me.”
“When did she tell you that?” Seth asked curiously.
“In one of my dreams. She wanted me to open up to you a long time ago. She told me you cared for me before you even said a word.”
“She brought us together,” Seth smiled. “I owe her.”
The tears slipped down my cheeks. I owed her so much more. Not only had she saved me over and over again, but she’d helped me find my soulmate. That was what Seth was to me. I saw it now. He was my better half. He made me whole. I had him because of her and I could never repay that debt. He’d come into my life exactly when I needed him.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
After finally seeing the truth. There was no longer any reason to hold back. Seth had seen me at my lowest point, and he wasn’t going anywhere. My wall began to crack long before that moment. It had been slowly weakening. And when it finally broke, it crashed down into a pile of ashes like it had never been that strong to begin with. The weird thing was, that I didn’t miss it. Not even a little bit. I was actually relieved that it was gone. And just like that I became an open book.
We talked for hours. The infected had given up on their plan shortly after my melt down. We were able to just talk, without any stress at all. It wasn’t something I was used to. But I didn’t feel any anxiety or fear about letting Seth in. I was perfectly at peace as we talked.
Well I mostly did the talking and he did the listening, which he was more than happy to do. I did a lot more crying and a little bit of laughing as I told him about my old life before we’d left the farm. My memories of my home life were mostly positive. I may have been forced to grow up faster than I should have, but that didn’t mean that I wasn’t happy with my family and that we didn’t laugh together. My mother made sure that we did.
It was the first time talking about my mother, that I was able to smile. It was nice to remember the good memories and not the last one I had of her. It had left such an impression on me that I couldn’t let it go for so long, not even when Molly tried to bring up a pleasant memory. But now, with Seth, I was able to really remember her.
“She had a rule that after all our chores were done, supper was finished, the dishes done, we had to have family time. It didn’t matter how tired we were; we weren’t allowed to get out of it. When I was younger, I loved it, my dad always saw it as another chore and as I got older it felt like that to me too. But she wouldn’t let us complain. We’d take turns picking out a different board game, telling stories, dancing, singing, or telling jokes. And no matter how tired we were, we always ended up laughing. My mom said every day should end on a happy note.” A tear fell down my cheek. “I miss her so much.”
Seth wiped the tear away. “What was her name?” he asked after I’d talked non-stop for nearly an hour.
“My mom? Her name was Elizabeth.”
“What was your mom’s name? Do you look like her?” I asked finally turning the conversation back to him.
He smiled, “Her name was Laura. People used to tell me that I had her eyes, but other than that I’m actually the spitting image of my dad. Sometimes it felt like they were just saying that so that my mom wouldn’t feel bad. My brother looked just like my dad too. The only thing he got from my mom was her dark hair.”
“When you lost them,” I began hesitantly, “did you ever see them again?” For the longest time I’d actually thought I was going crazy seeing Molly. Now that I knew I
wasn’t the only one to see her, I had no doubt that she was real, which meant there was an afterlife. There had to be. I’d stopped believing in heaven after my mother’s death. With her no longer constantly preaching and reading the bible, there was no one there to reinforce the belief. But now all the old lessons were coming back to me.
He shook his head sadly. “I would have given anything to see them again, even if it was only in a dream.”
“I don’t think I’m going to see much more of her,” I said sadly. With her constantly popping up in my dreams it was like I hadn’t really lost her. At least not fully. When she was really gone and I couldn’t talk to her anymore, I didn’t know how I was going to be able to move on. Reality was setting in now. It had been for awhile. When I saw the toy in the beast’s mouth, it all finally clicked for me. I knew I was losing her for good.
“Why do you say that?”
“At first, she was such a strong presence in my dreams, but over time she’s become weaker. Her image is thinner if that makes any sense. Before I couldn’t see through her, now I can. And the last couple of times she hasn’t spoken to me at all. And not that long ago she pretty much told me she was going to leave me because soon I wasn’t going to need her anymore. I think that she’ll leave now that I’m finally willing to open up to you. Now that I have you, she thinks I won’t need to see her anymore.” It wasn’t true. I needed her more than ever. I wanted to celebrate with her. I wanted to be happy with her. It wasn’t the same as actually having her with me, but it had become good enough.
“You told me before that you wanted the ghosts to go away?”
“At the time that’s what I thought I wanted. But now that it’s an actual reality…I don’t know how to let her go.” Tears hovered on the surface again, just when I thought they’d run out. I didn’t make any attempts to hide them.
He pulled me into his chest wrapping his arms securely around me. His body was so warm. Just being next to him brought a peace that I didn’t realize I was capable of feeling. It was nice to not feel so on edge all the time. It was amazing to feel safe. When I was with him, I wasn’t afraid.
“You don’t have to let her go so long as you remember her. It took me years to talk about Scott again, but once I did, I found that it was like I still had a piece of him with me.”
“Not with anyone else. I’m not ready for that.” Maybe someday there’d be others I could open up to. Maybe one day Clara, or Matthew. After all Matthew reminded me so much of her.
“That’s okay. I don’t think I’ve talked about Scott with anyone else like I have with you. Doc’s the only one who even knows his name besides you and that’s only because he was there when I lost him.”
“Do you really think Doc can come up with the answers? Can we really be safe in this world?” Before I saw Alex, I was positive that Doc was out of his mind. But he’d proven me wrong. If it weren’t for his work, I never would have learned the truth about that awful night. I would still be stuck in limbo. Now that I was past that I wanted Doc to solve the problem. I wanted hope.
“He believes he can, and I believe in him. No matter what it takes he’ll find us what we need. We’re so close to breaking through to the other side, I can practically taste it. We’re going to be safe again. And when we are, I’m going to marry you.” I laughed out loud pushing myself up off him. “You think I’m being funny.”
At first yes that’s how it sounded. It wasn’t the first proposal I’d received. That one had come out of left field as well, but when Alex asked there had been no doubt. The way Seth said it, he made it sound like it was already a done deal. If he’d said something like that to me just forty-eight hours earlier, I would have blown up at him. But after all we’d been through, I was able to be a little more relaxed with his bold assumption.
“Funny? Perhaps a little. But I think if anything you’re being a bit over-confident and definitely a tad presumptuous. I never said I wanted that.”
“Well you said yes to Alex and you weren’t in love with him.” That was certainly true enough. I didn’t like where he was going with this. “You’ve admitted you are in love with me. So, if you say no, I’m going to be really hurt,” he said with a fake puppy dog pout.
I laughed again as I leaned back down pressing my lips against his to make the silly look go away. When I pulled away, he was staring at me waiting for a serious answer. When I said yes, the first time, I’d done it because I didn’t see the harm. I didn’t really think it could happen. But now with the work Doc was doing, our reality was changing.
“I tell you what. I’ll say yes if and when you can prove to me that we can be safe permanently,” I said turning more serious. “I said yes once before on a false promise. I don’t think I could survive a repeat of that.” Being as close as I was to Seth was terrifying. I'd already survived the worst loss I could imagine. Now that I loved Seth, I knew I couldn’t lose him too. I wanted him to be right. I wanted him to make it work, so hopefully having a condition attached to his marriage proposal would serve as motivation.
He smiled back at me confidently. “It’s a deal.” I just shook my head and yawned. It was already past one in the morning. We’d talked for so long that I’d lost all track of time, but my body hadn’t. “Sleep,” he said as he lifted the covers up for me to slide under. He kissed my forehead, “in the morning, we’ll be one day closer to me putting a ring on your finger.”
“Okay Mr. Cocky. We’ll see about that,” I said slouching down under the covers. He followed suit. I took up my usual position on his chest and closed my eyes feeling calmer than I had in my life. Sleep came easily.
What little I remembered of my dreams; I knew that Molly was there. She was barely more than a shadow, but from what I could see of her, she looked happy. Seeing her like that, made me feel like I had permission to be happy too.
I slept so peacefully that Seth actually had to wake me in the morning. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, “but I let you sleep as long as I could. It’s nearly ten. The storm’s cleared, so we need to get moving.”
I yawned as I sat up. Seth was already dressed in his old clothes. They looked a little stiff, but at least they were dry. He was already packed and ready to go. He had the computer pad in his hand. There was a large crack in the corner of the screen, but at least it was still working. I eyed it curiously. “Are you sure they’re all gone?”
“The storm cleared at some point in the middle of the night. I saw them leaving.”
“How did you see them? Are you sure that thing is still working right? Weren’t you sleeping?”
He had a sheepish look on his face. “I thought we stopped playing twenty questions.” I rolled my eyes. “While you did manage to put a significant crack on the computer pad, it’s still working fine. Second, I was enjoying the peaceful look on your face way too much to fall asleep and when the computer pad started beeping, I thought they might be up to something new. But it was just them taking off. The sun is shining on the roof, so I know we’re safe.”
“We should pack up the leftover supplies. I think there was an old backpack in the washroom.” He smiled as he lifted up a green bag up off the floor, the exact one I’d been talking about.
“Already on it. I grabbed everything I could stuff into the bag. I figured we could snack on some protein bars on the way to the clinic.”
It was a strange feeling leaving this place. I knew I wouldn’t be coming back. Just the other night I’d wanted nothing more than to leave, but now I found myself delaying the inevitable. I dressed as slowly as I could, brushed my teeth twice, checked and re-checked to make sure I wasn’t forgetting anything. A part of me was afraid that things would change between Seth and I when we left. We’d grown so close here and I didn’t want to lose that. Being surrounded by the others, would change that. He’d be back in his leadership role and I was afraid I’d be back on the fringes again. I may have changed, but the rest of the group didn’t know that.
Seth of course picked up on what w
as going on in my mind, even without me saying anything. “I made you a promise last night and I intend to keep it. Everything is different now and it’s only going to get better.” I pressed myself against his chest, my arms wrapped around him naturally as his pulled me in closer.
“I’m ready,” I said with a deep sigh.
Even with Seth’s assurances that we were alone, my heart still beat heavily against my chest as I unlocked the heavy door. Seth stood at the ready with his knife, not that it would do much good if there were a group of them out there. But as the door creaked open, in the silence of the cold room we were only met by the slow and steady sound of the wind brushing in through the broken windows. The sunlight flowed over the floor, bringing even more relief.
Seth put his knife back in his sheath, offering me his hand to hold onto as we walked out of the room. On the floor of the office was my sister’s old stuffed bunny. The infected had torn it to shreds. I was ready to walk on. There was nothing I could do about it now. There was no fixing it. But Seth stopped me in my tracks as he bent down to pull the mangled toy up off the ground. “I’m okay Seth. It’s just a toy,” I choked out.
He let go of my hand for a moment as he explored the toy. He was looking at it to see if there was any possible way to salvage it. I’d learned to sew by the time I was six and if I couldn’t fix it, then no one could. I was just about to tell him as much, when he reached inside the stuffing and pulled out something small and silver.
With a satisfied smile he placed my sister’s baby bracelet in my hand. It was completely undamaged. “A miracle,” I whispered.
“What?” Seth asked clearly not hearing what I’d said.
I pushed past the emotions, which were making it difficult to speak. “My mother told me that this world still had small miracles. You just had to open your eyes to see them. They destroyed the toy, but not the bracelet.”
Seeking Daylight Page 28