Chance sat on the couch and shook it. “It doesn’t rattle.” He squeezed it next. “It gives a little. A big book?”
Tanya laughed. “Open it and find out.”
He tore into the wrapping and had it removed in seconds. When he saw the gift and opened to the first page of the sketchbook, he sucked in a deep breath. As he slowly flipped through the sketches, his hand trembled. “You both drew these,” he said in awe.
Tanya eased down next to him. “We wanted you to remember this holiday and we didn’t think a camera would do it justice so we drew different pictures to convey the things you did with us.”
He paused and ran his finger over the pen-and-ink drawing of them decorating the four-foot tree only a few feet away. “I will cherish this always.” His voice thickened with each word he said.
“Good. It wasn’t easy because these sketches are big, but we made a copy of them for ourselves. We don’t want to forget this Christmas, either.” Crystal did a tight circle in her new chair.
Chance closed his hand over Tanya’s, and her pulse rate soared. “Your presence has been such a nice treat for us.”
She didn’t tell him that both her and her daughter felt as if this holiday was a new beginning for them—the past finally behind them. They had loved Tom and mourned his loss, but they needed to move forward. Crystal’s accident, Tom’s conviction and ultimately his death in prison had shaped so much of the past four years. Her daughter deserved more—a life as normal as possible. She prayed one day that he could move forward, the past behind him, too.
Chance shifted so he could face her on the couch. “I could say the same for you two. I’m the grateful one getting to share in your Christmas celebration.”
When Crystal wheeled herself into the kitchen, Tanya sandwiched his hand between hers. “You shouldn’t have spent so much. I know those chairs are expensive. You were supposed to be getting yourself a car.”
His grin reached deep into his eyes. “I will, just later. I like to walk.”
“But it’s snowing, has been a lot these past few weeks.”
“The cold is invigorating to me. I like to walk in the snow. After dinner let’s go for a walk.”
“I’ve got another gift for you.” She released his hand and hurried to the tree, getting the second present—the most important one. Back at his side, she laid it in his lap.
He hefted it up. “This I know has got to be a book.” Again he ripped the silver wrapping paper off quickly to reveal a black Bible with his name engraved in gold on the front at the bottom right hand corner. He touched the lettering then slanted a look at her. “Thank you, Tanya. This means a lot to me. One of the things I wish I hadn’t lost was my family Bible. Now I have a new one.”
When she had first met him and realized how he had felt about God, she hadn’t thought she would hear him say something like that. But he had found his way back to the Lord. That was the best gift she could have received the whole season. “I have marked a few places you might want to read.”
Tanya heard Crystal opening and closing a cabinet door, probably searching for something to eat. “I’d better get the prime rib in the oven if we’re gonna have dinner at a reasonable hour.” She started to rise.
He stopped her. “First, I want to give you your present.”
“Me? But you’ve already spent too much on Crystal.”
“Did you think I would neglect to give you something to remember me by?”
Her heart slammed into her ribs. The way he’d phrased the question made it seem as if he was leaving Sweetwater soon. She supposed after the New Year was soon. Before she could say anything, he held out a long, thin box in his palm. She stared at the gold-wrapped present.
Can’t he see Sweetwater is perfect for him? That I am? Lord, that’s all the gift I need. For him to return to Sweetwater after the trial.
“Aren’t you gonna open it?”
She blinked, willing the hammering of her heart to slow. He might not have really meant he was leaving for good. Perhaps he sees how good this town is for him. “Of course.” Slowly she took it from him but not before he clasped her fingers and tugged her to him, kissing her, quick and hard.
She carefully unwrapped the present and lifted the lid. Beneath some tissue lay a beautiful gold chain with an outline of a heart dangling from it with a diamond sparkling in its right corner. She held up the necklace, the gem gleaming. “It’s beautiful.”
“When I saw it in the store, I immediately knew it was perfect for you. You have such a good heart. You’re so caring of others.”
The swelling in her throat captured her words. All she could do was hand him the chain and turn so he could hook the necklace around her neck. The feel of his fingers on her nape sent tingles down her spine. She squeezed her eyes closed and imagined they were a real family, celebrating Christmas.
“There,” he whispered close to her ear, his lips brushing her lobe.
She melted back against him, weak with wanting him. His hands clasped her upper arms, his breath feathering her neck. She turned her head to the side, and he planted tiny kisses along her jaw.
“Don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise, Tanya. You’re a beautiful, loving woman who deserves the very best.”
Even though he said all the right words, she felt as if there was a “but” at the end of the last sentence. She twisted around to face him, trying to read his expression which suddenly blanked. “What are you trying to tell me?”
“The truth as I see it. Those sketches you did for me were great. Share your talent with others. Look what it has done for Crystal. Let people see what you’re capable of.”
Again she sensed something left unsaid but realized Chance wouldn’t expound on it unless he wanted to. “I’ll think about it.”
He stared long and hard into her eyes, then rose and offered her his hand. “Let’s put that roast in the oven. I’ll help you.”
He pulled her to her feet, then headed to the kitchen. Crystal sat at the table, drinking some milk and eating a bowl of cereal.
When her daughter saw them, she said, “I’m gonna have to lift weights to build up the muscles more in my arms.”
“You can use the weight room at the center to get started.” Chance planted himself at the counter, lounging back against it.
“Yeah. I’d been thinking about it anyway, and now with this chair, I have to if I want to play sports and be any good.”
“Besides basketball, what are you thinking about?” Tanya removed the prime rib from the refrigerator.
“There’s track-and-field events. I could do some racing.”
As Crystal and Chance discussed the possibilities open for her daughter, Tanya prepared the roast and stuck it into the oven. With all that had happened this morning she was even more determined to tell him how she felt about him. Then if he still left, at least he would have all the facts. She wanted no regrets when it came to him.
* * *
Tanya matched her strides with Chance’s as she strode beside him later Christmas Day. Crystal had urged them to go for a walk while she talked with her friends on the phone, no doubt comparing presents.
The snow continued to fall but lightly now. The clouds cast the sky in different hues of gray. The scent of burning wood laced the crisp winter air. The snow blanketed the terrain in pristine white, undisturbed in most places as the majority of the townspeople stayed indoors.
“I think a lot of people miss the beauty of winter holed up in their houses.” Tanya swept her arm across her body to indicate the area before them.
“I agree, but then it wouldn’t be as beautiful if they were all trampling through the snow.”
“Like us? So you think we should keep this a secret from them?”
“Yep. It’s here if they want to partake of its beauty.”
/> Tanya laughed. “That’s kinda hard when some have pulled their drapes already.” She pointed toward the house they were passing.
“Yeah, it’s only four. We have another hour of daylight.” He cut down another street and headed for the lake.
“And the ones who see us walking are probably thinking we’re crazy for being out here.”
At the lake the water appeared dark gray-blue and icy. With no wind blowing its surface was mirror smooth. Tall pines, the only green in the landscape, skirted the shoreline, poking themselves up out of the white cover of snow. Tanya paused at the edge and stared across the lake. She needed to tell Chance her feelings, but for the life of her she didn’t know where to begin.
Lord, help me to say the right words. I feel as if my tongue has swollen in my dry mouth all of a sudden.
The large boulder she had often used to sit on by the water beckoned. Tanya dusted the snow off its surface and sat. Chance stood in front of her wearing his heavy black coat with no gloves or cap.
“You aren’t cold?” Tanya touched her red hat that kept her ears warm.
“Nah. The cold makes me feel alive. In winter we didn’t get outside as much so I enjoy any time I can be outdoors.”
Tell him. “Your ears are red.”
“They’ll survive. A few minutes in front of your fire and they’ll be toasty warm.”
“Do you have a busy week at work?”
“No, Nick let a lot of people off because of the holidays. I’ve got a project I need to finish up, but that’s all.”
She glanced at the water lapping gently against the shore, the only sound in the quiet. “You know what I miss the most during the winter is the animals, especially the birds. We have a few, but most of them go south for the winter.” Tell him!
At that moment a red cardinal left his perch on a branch of an oak tree that still retained its brown leaves. She followed his flight for a minute before looking back at Chance. The regret in his eyes stole her breath. He lowered his lashes and veiled it.
“When are you leaving?” she blurted out the question without really thinking.
His sharp intake of air filled the silence. “The trial starts in less than two weeks.”
Will you be back afterward? she wanted to ask but was afraid of the answer. Instead she pushed herself off the large rock, positioning herself only a few feet from him. “You aren’t alone, Chance. God is with you.”
“I know. There’s a part of me that doesn’t want to go to the trial.”
“Then don’t. If you’re testifying only go for that part.”
His intense gaze riveted to hers. “I have to go. I want to say goodbye and this is my chance to do that.”
“God’s not the only one with you. I am, too.”
“I know. You’re a good friend.” His intensity faded.
Tell him. “I want to be more than a friend, Chance. I’ve fallen in love with you.”
His eyes widened. He dropped his gaze, twisting around to stare at the lake. “You shouldn’t have, Tanya. I’m not free to love.”
His past continued to haunt him, holding him prisoner as if he were still in prison. His rigid stance conveyed the barrier that might always be between them. For the first time since she’d begun the walk, cold seeped in, straight to the marrow of her bones, leaving her frozen with despair.
CHAPTER TWELVE
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, which according to His abundant mercy hath begotten us again unto a lively hope by the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead. The words from Peter, that Samuel had quoted in his sermon, leaped off the page, entwining themselves into Chance’s heart. Christ offered him hope—hope that one day he could have a life rid of this guilt that ate into his soul.
Closing the Bible that Tanya had given him, Chance rose and walked to the window. The sound of the basketball striking against the concrete then the backboard drew him. He watched Crystal take another shot at the hoop. When the ball bounced off the rim and landed in the grass alongside the driveway, Charlie went after it and nosed it toward Crystal. She dribbled then set up for another shot. Chance turned toward the door.
He had avoided Tanya all week since Christmas day and her declaration of love. She deserved to be loved by someone who could come to her with a clear heart—not him. And above all, she deserved to know the whole story about him and Tom before he left for Louisville.
His hand on the knob, Chance rested his forehead against the wood. He loved her. But he wasn’t free to love Tanya as she should be. Hate and guilt crowded his heart. How could he enter into a relationship she deserved when he couldn’t straighten out his own life? She had endured so much these past few years. He would never forgive himself if he added to her pain.
Once he told her he was the reason Tom was killed, her love would die and he could leave. Turning the knob, he opened the door and stepped outside onto the landing.
The basketball slamming into the driveway over and over echoed in the air. He descended the stairs.
When Crystal saw him, she smiled and cradled the ball in her lap. Although the temperature was only in the low fifties, beads of sweat pebbled her forehead. She swiped the back of her hand across her forehead.
“This is hard work, but since the snow melted yesterday, I’ve got to grab the chance to practice while I have it.” She lined up the ball toward the hoop and sent it flying. It swished through the net. “Yes!”
Chance loped toward the ball as it hit the concrete and caught it before it bounced a second time. He tossed it toward Crystal who trapped it against her body.
“You’ve done a good job teaching Charlie to help retrieve your ball.”
She called her service dog to her and stroked the length of his back. “He’s always been a quick learner.” With the ball in her lap, she rolled toward the deck ramp.
When Chance saw Crystal struggling up the ramp, easily accessible for an electric wheelchair, he started toward her but stopped. He gave her a few more seconds to see if she would make it on her own. That was important to Crystal. When she reached the top of the ramp, she swung around, her grin wide.
“I started working out at the center. Before long going up this ramp will be a piece of cake.”
“Your arms have to be tired. You’ve been practicing for the past hour.”
“Yep. I hear we might have another round of snow next week. You would think we live in Alaska the way it has been snowing this past month.”
Chance took a wooden lounge chair opposite Crystal. “Have you played any basketball at the center yet?”
“Not yet. I will when I get better. I’m thinking in the spring of joining a wheelchair basketball team that’s part of a league that meets in Lexington. Mom said she would drive me to the practices and the games.” She leaned forward. “Thank you again for this chair. I’ve always loved sports, and now I can participate in them more.”
Chance glanced toward the back door and wondered where Tanya was. He really needed to talk to her, but he realized sitting with Crystal was his way of avoiding what he must do. He didn’t want to see the pain, disappointment and anger in Tanya’s face. But it was better this way. A quick sever would be less painful than a prolonged one.
“Have you decided on what sports besides basketball that you want to do? I know you mentioned track and field once.”
“I’ve been researching some different ones online and I think racing would be the best one for me. Also, I’m gonna talk with Darcy about getting more involved with riding.”
“Your mom told me you’ve gotten back up on a horse since your accident, but you aren’t riding like you used to.”
“I want to again. I don’t blame the horse for my paralysis.” She stared down at her lap for a good minute then lifted her gaze toward him. “Blame is such negat
ive energy. I’ve decided I don’t have room for that in my life. I used to blame myself for what my father did.”
“But you weren’t at fault.”
“I know that now. I prayed a lot about it, especially after he died. For a time I thought I had killed him.”
No, I did. Chance clenched his teeth, unable to say the words.
Crystal sought Charlie, who laid his head in her lap. She scratched him behind his ear. “Guilt is like blame. It’s negative energy. It doesn’t do any good for a person. If God can forgive me, then why shouldn’t I forgive myself?”
“It’s not always that easy,” Chance murmured, thinking of his own guilt that he carried around.
“‘But if we walk in the light, as He is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ His Son cleanseth us from all sin.’ I remember Samuel telling me that one day last summer and it all made sense.”
The creak of the back door opening sounded. Chance glanced toward Tanya. A piercing pain knifed through his heart. He was going to hurt her. There was no way around it. The idea cut him deeply.
For a few seconds while he and Tanya stared at each other, he thought about fleeing as far from Sweetwater as he could get. And he would. But first he had to tell her everything concerning Tom.
“Hi, Mom. Did you see me shooting? I made a couple of baskets. Before long, Chance, I’m gonna have you raise the basket to regulation height.”
He stood. “It’s easy. Anyone can for you.”
Crystal gave him a questioning look but didn’t say anything. Instead, she rolled her chair into the house while Tanya held the door open. He followed, his throat jammed with emotions of regret and a much more intense feeling he wished he could deny.
“I need to clean up. Tonight is New Year’s Eve and I’ve got a feeling this next year is gonna be a good one so I want to be up to greet it.”
“Do you hear her?” Tanya stood in the middle of the kitchen watching her daughter disappear into the hallway. “She is happy.” She swung around to face him. “And part of the reason for that is you, Chance.”
Tidings of Joy Page 18