by Tom Shepherd
Summary of economic activity FY3103 follows. M-double-I trade revenues, especially products from asteroid mining operations, fell sharply among the Rim Worlds. Please respond with reasons for deficiencies and actions being taken to preclude reoccurrence.
Signed/TNM, III.
Kaito thanked the bailiff. “You see, members of the jury, Tyler-san says Flávio Tavares is an enemy of the Matthews Corporation. Yet his own father calls the Capitão ‘a loyal friend’ and says he ‘should be considered a member of the Family’ in a ‘clandestine role.’”
Tyler stood. “Is there a question at the end of this rainbow, Your Honor, or is the prosecutor testifying?”
“He’s testifying,” the Judge agreed. “Rather well, actually. Kaito-sand, you better ask a question, or you’re wasting my O2 and this lady’s time.”
“Miss Zervos, did you hear other statements which substantiate—”
“Objection. Sakura House prosecutor is flagrantly asking for hearsay.”
“Yes, and I want to hear what she has to say. This ain’t Burl Cain, Mr. Matthews. People want answers, and we listen careful.”
“But, Your Honor, the rules of evidence—”
“Don’t apply here. Sit down, kid.” He waved the blaster and Tyler promptly complied.
Tavares whispered to his lead defense attorney. “Try not to get shot before you cross this witness, amigo.”
Tanis answered Kaito’s question. “Ambassador LeBlanc told me there was a second portal to Andromeda. Jump Gate Beta, she called it. She asked me to convey its location to the Suryadivan Navy and request their support, because Capitão Tavares had warned her Sakura House and Free Enterprise forces massed at the planet Cassiopeia presented a credible threat to the Beta Gate.”
“What did you do with that information?” Kaito said.
“I passed it along to your brother, Kichirou, who commanded the attacking forces.”
Guppy howled, kicked over her clerical table, and stormed out the side door of the courtroom.
“Please continue,” Kaito said impassively.
Tanis obliged. “After our people were fully alerted to the danger, Kichirou-san ordered me to inform Suryadivan Naval Command as the Ambassador had directed.”
“To maintain your cover.”
“Yes.”
“What was your code name?”
“Kichirou let me select one. I chose ‘Lucky Star,’ because Tanis is the largest evening star on my homeworld.”
“You are Segerian. Human, but from an independent, former colony.”
“Yes.”
“And you are absolutely certain,” Kaito said, “Ambassador LeBlanc identified the defendant, Capitão Flávio Tavares, as the double agent who warned Matthews Corporation of the presence of our combined fleets?”
She smiled at Suzie. “Abso-bloody-lutely.”
Tyler’s fiancé dug her nails in his arm. “I will Naca Jen her bitch-ass.”
“Take a number. She killed thousands of Suryadivans and Terrans with that warning to Kichirou.”
Kaito turned to the jury. “There you have it, ladies and gentlemen. Flávio Tavares is guilty and deserves death.”
Carman whacked the gavel. “Jappo-sand, you don’t sentence nobody. That’s why we got judges. Are you done with this witness?”
“Yes, Your Honor.”
“Mr. Matthews, any questions?”
Tyler nodded vigorously. “Oh, God, yes. But, if it please the court, I haven’t had a chance to scan this new evidence. And you hafta pee, I believe.”
“Forty-five minutes. I could use a bite and a nip, too.”
Tyler raised a hand. “Your Honor, may the defense have a private room to discuss this testimony with our client?”
“Yeah, what the fuck.” He called the bailiff. “Leefie, show them the boiler room. Put your cannulas on, Matthews. It ain’t oxygenized back there.”
The room was aptly named. It was hot, full of pipes, and had no windows. Hisses and thunks punctuated the wet air at irregular intervals. The poor air quality was particularly ironic, since the chugging, clunking apparatus was the equipment generating O2 for a pressurized courtroom.
Also no tables. But a stack of old-fashioned folding chairs easily assembled into a semi-circle. From nowhere Dorla Leon appeared with a cooler full of chilled water and frozen energy bars.
Tyler kissed her forehead. “We love you, Dorla. But please hightail it back to the Tadpole. There’s nothing you can do downtown. And I need your steady hand available to repel boarders if some of these shady characters decide to sample the treasure trove Flávio brought to bribe his way to freedom.”
“Drink lots of water, all of you,” Dorla ordered. “Doctor Julieta, you need to keep on them.”
“Sí, mamacita.”
“The Ambassador hurt us badly.” Flávio sipped from a synthetic bulb.
“Yep,” Tyler said. “But it’s our turn to question her, and we got two secret weapons. Suzie?”
“Already on it.”
Suzie couldn’t merge with something small as a datacom like she did with a starship Main Library Computer, but her bioenergetic matrix allowed his fiancé to send a tendril of consciousness into its processor and scan files at light speed.
“Got something!” Suzie laughed. “Either they haven’t read all the files, or the fuckwits didn’t think we’d find this document on short notice. I suspect they don’t know it’s there.”
She briefed them on what she had discovered deep within the memory chip’s mountain of documents and suggested a strategy for cross.
Tyler nodded. “That might work.”
Flávio scratched his unshaven chin. “You said two secret weapons.”
Tyler grinned at the Quirt-Thymean attorney across from him. “Indigo, ready for a re-match with Miss Zervos?”
“Oh, yes, friend Tyler. It would be professionally stimulating.”
He nodded. “Your witness.”
“I may have some information which will help.” Flávio signaled Mr. Blue to a private conference in the far corner under a chugging set of ventilation ducts. With half an hour remaining, the other attorneys furiously reviewed documents highlighted by Suzie on their datacoms.
Twenty-Two
The Judge returned, dragging a beer-fueled cloud with him. He attempted to climb into his chair and fell on the floor. The Kolovite bailiff and Suryadivan clerk, plus three volunteers from the jury, helped the burly Judge into his place of honor. Guppy disappeared and returned with a thermos. Even from across the well, Tyler’s nose told him strong black coffee.
After a few good slugs of wake-up Joe, Captain-Judge Colin Carman leaned over his chair and projectile vomited across the floor. Guppy groaned and called for Groxbitz, who rolled merrily into clean-up mode. An especially larger Groxbitz waved a stick in front of the Judge’s sagging eyelids. Tyler caught the odor of camphor and a medley of strange scents—herbs?—which he had never before smelled.
Carman moaned, leaned over his chair, but did not throw up. He shook his head, rubbed eyes, and wiped gray hair back from his brow.
“Thank you,” he said to Guppy and Leefie and the jurors. He frowned at the Groxbitz. “Get the fuck out of my courtroom, you rolling hamburger.”
The chubby balls chirped a happy sound and bowled away, buckets and mops dangling from multiple appendages.
“All right. Now that the entertainment portion of our program is over, let’s get back to hanging this guilty sonuvabitch. Mr. Matthews, defense may cross.”
Tyler nodded to Mr. Blue, who stood, assembled a stack of notes written on yellow paper, and waddled across the well to the witness.
“Oh, God. Not him.” She turned to the bench. “Your Honor, may someone else please ask me the defense’s questions? I have history with this attorney.”
“Were you screwing him?” Carman asked.
“No! The thought disgusts me!”
“Well, it wouldn’t matter if you were screwing him. I was just curious.”
/>
“I wasn’t!”
He plopped the heavy blaster on his desk top. “Answer the questions, missy. I’m may be drunk, but I can definitely hit you from this distance.” He burped. “All three of you.”
Mr. Blue approached her and bowed respectfully. “Disgraced Deputy Ambassador Penis Zervos—”
“My name is Tanis, as you well know, Prince Zenna.”
“Do you have the skills to falsify a Top Secret document and make it look authentic?”
“I didn’t do it.”
“I am not asking if you did it. We all know how much you like to do it, with almost everyone you meet.”
“I did not falsify those documents.”
“But you do enjoy doing it with almost everyone you meet?”
“I didn’t say that. Your Honor, Mr. Zenna-Zenn has a fixation on my sex life. He did this to me on the witness stand at the Suryadivan Protectorate.”
“Oh, no, Your Honor. I never did it with her. Although she enjoys doing it with—”
Gavel slap. “Enough, Counselor. We get your point. The lady is a whore. But—”
“I am not!” Tanis shouted.
“Ain’t no shame in making yourself available to all hands. Some men rather like that in a woman.” He hiccupped. “Well, some men will screw a Groxbitz. Continue, Counselor. And try to stick to the subject, whatever the fuck it is today.”
Suzie whispered to Tyler. “His Royal Asshole Prince Zenna is a misogynist pig. If he asked me that, I’d leap off the stand and gouge out his ruddy eyeballs.”
“Easy on the home team,” Tyler said.
”Well, the Judge is worse, and a total tosspot, I’ll grant you,” she grumbled. “So, like other members of this team who shall remain nameless, the Prince gets a solitary mulligan. Today only.”
“Shhh. Genius at work.”
The Judge tapped his gavel. “Counselor Blue Gook, I told you to continue. Why have you not continued?”
“I asked a question. I am waiting for her answer.”
“She said she wasn’t screwing you.”
“That was not my question. That was your question.”
“Well, now I’m confused. Are you confused, too, Ms. Penis?”
“Tanis! Yes, I’m confused.”
“Clerk, read back Counselor Gook’s question.”
“No!”
“Oh, that’s right. Guppy hates you, Miss Penis-Tanis-what-the-fuck.” He laid his head on the bench. “Ask the question again, Blue.”
“Yes, Your Drunken Honor.” He bowed to the witness. “Missing Penis, do you have the skills to falsify a Top Secret document and make it look authentic?”
“I already told you—”
“You denied you did it. But—”
“Don’t go there,” the Judge warned. “I’m not that drunk. But the day is young.”
“Yes, Counselor, I have an Omicron Seven level in code writing skills. So does the Trade Ambassador and others on her staff.”
“Were all of them spying for the Free Enterprise League?” Zenna said.
“No.”
“Would all of them benefit if Flávio Tavares was denounced as a traitor?”
Tanis winced, as if the question hurt. “Counselor, I don’t understand where you’re going with this line of inquiry.”
“Someone had to be a traitor, because someone told Kichirou the location of the Beta Gate. If you could blame Flávio for your espionage, you could continue working for Matthews Interstellar and continue supplying the pirates—and Tsuchiya Galactic—with secret information. And you could pass along secrets about the Free Enterprise League to Matthews Corporation, just as you did when you warned the Suryadivans of the pirate fleet at Cassiopeia. Your double-agent status would be secure.”
“That’s preposterous!” She stood up. “Judge, isn’t he supposed to ask me a question? He’s testifying!”
Captain-Judge Carman snored loudly. Guppy got up, went to the door post leading to the Judge’s chambers, and rang the ships bell until His Honor awoke. The Judge grabbed his blaster and shattered the head-splitting alarm, barely missing his Suryadivan clerk but sending shards of metal into the doorframe and wall. Guppy cussed him in an alien language—not Suryadivan—and stormed back to her table beside the judicial bench.
“Next question, Counselor Gook Zenna. Or is it Zenna-Gook?” He belched. Guppy brought him another thermos of coffee.
“Disgraced Traitor Double Agent Penis, is it your testimony that the files you delivered to this honorable yet tipsy court were not altered?”
“Yes.”
“You did not change a word?”
“No.”
“And did you read all the files?”
“Of course not. There are hundreds of documents, representing thousands of words.”
“Actually, there are more than two hundred and fifty thousand documents with an average twelve pages each. Factoring an average word count of 325 per page results in an aggregate 975 million words on that itsy bitsy little chippie. Did you know that?”
“I knew it was a large file, yes. Obviously, I didn’t read every word. However, the M-double-I indexing system is quite efficient. I was able to find documents proving Capitão Flávio Tavares was a spy for—”
“Did you encounter a document dated Monday, 4 April 3104, Subject: ‘BOLA and Bounty’?”
“I have told you, there are too many.”
“Let me help you undress that thought.” Mr. Blue approached Carman, who was surprisingly alert. “May I direct the court’s attention to document 9824Q-479N2? Would the bailiff kindly read the part I have highlighted in the datacom copy?”
“Leefie, do it.” Carman gulped the coffee.
The Kolovite raised her handheld document reader. “UNCLASSIFIED—Be On The Lookout Alert (BOLA) and Bounty. Capitão Flávio Tavares—A.K.A., the ‘Pirate King’ proved traitor. No longer regarded M-II asset. Authorize Bounty, Dead or Alive: One Billion—”
Whistles and cheers from gallery and jury drowned out the remaining message. The Judge squinted at his datacom. “Well, laddie. Are you worth that much still? I might collect me own self.”
Flávio shook his head. “Sadly, no, Colin. My value has expired. Noah dropped the bounty to fifty thousand after he realized how many of our comrades Admiral Bianca had scooped up due to the mishandling of the attack by Sakura House.”
“And the glorious vision— direct Jump Gate to a whole new hunting grounds in the Andromeda?” Carman said. “What happened there?”
Flávio laughed. “Ask my lead attorney. He blew the portal to Jones.”
Carman offered a half-smile to Tyler. “Did you now, laddie? Tweak your old man’s nose and piss into the wind, so we can’t sail there, either?”
“Yes, sir.” Tyler gestured toward the gallery. “Anybody need a pirate lawyer? Give us a call.”
Laughter told Tyler he’d made progress in winning their hearts and minds, moving the meter from “Hang the bastard!” to “Hang the amusing bastard.” But he wasn’t technically on trial. Fortunately, Mr. Blue had scored some hits in Flávio’s defense.
“Does the defense have any more questions of this witness?”
“Yes, Your Honor,” Zenna said. “I wish to ask Ms. Zervos about her sex life.”
“Here we go again!” she said.
Carman wiped coffee from his robe. “At least he got your name right, Penis.”
“Oh, for God’s sake…”
“Answer the questions. Your character isn’t on trial here.”
“Thank you.”
“We’ve already decided you’re a whore.”
She started to object but Carman raised his blaster and she demurred.
“I am not certain you are a whore, Ms. Zervos,” Zenna said.
She raised a suspicious eyebrow. “Really? Now I get basic courtesy, finally?”
“I am however certain you have been enjoying—what is that delicious term Counselor London employs? Ah! The rumpy-pumpy. I am certain you enjoy
doing the rumpy-pumpy with ‘all hands.’ Especially tall, muscular men. Am I right?”
“No!”
“Forgive me. I didn’t know you preferred women.”
“I prefer normal men! But I don’t screw every fool who wants into my pants.”
“Would a normal man need to be any particular kind of fool to qualify for entry into your pants?”
“Prince Zenna, do you have a real question, or are you just a cobalt-colored, alien sex maniac?”
“I have a real question. And thank you for the compliment.”
Carman tapped his gavel. “Get with it, Blue Boy.”
“Ms. Zervos, you have testified to your penchant for sex with normal men. Why have you been doing the rumpy-pumpy with the enemy?”
Her face tightened. “I don’t know what you mean.”
“Let me specify.” Mr. Blue waddled so close she leaned backward, almost falling off the witness stool. “How long have you been getting it from Capitão Tavares?”
“I… What business is it of yours who I take to my bed?”
“Oh, come now, Ms. No-Penis. The Capitão is on trial for his life. You are an important witness against him. How do we know you did not modify these Top Secret documents—which you admit you could have done—because you wanted revenge on Flávio for dumping you like a pimp with a middle-aged hooker?”
“That is offensive and absurd!”
Suzie whispered to Tyler. “Zenna is a brutal cockwomble. At the moment, I hate him. But please, God, don’t let him stop now.”
“He’s just warming up,” Tyler said.
“Oh, forgive me,” Mr. Blue said to Tanis. “I thought the Capitão was foolish enough to qualify for your bed.” Zenna grinned at Flávio with snowy white teeth in a blue face. Tavares did not return the smile.
“Flávio and I were done long ago,” Tanis said coolly. “What I have reported here is true. I am loyal to the Free Enterprise League.”
“Now, that intrigues me,” Mr. Blue said. “Will you tell this court the reason for your fidelity to pirates? Apart from their obvious sexual allure.”
Again the gallery whistled and laughed.
“I have aligned myself with them in the great struggle for economic justice. You work for Noah Mathews, the richest oligarch in the Terran Commonwealth. You were born to affluence, a Sub-Prince of the Quirt-Thyme Empire. You wouldn’t understand the need for an equitable distribution of wealth to the masses.”