by Kate Brian
I could not go back.
I stared at the cover of my notebook as Barber walked up and
down the aisles, using every ounce of willpower I had in me not to mark his progress.
And then his shadow fell across my desk. I held my breath.
“Miss Brennan,” he said.
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“Not yet,” I said, my throat dry. “I haven’t seen him.”
“Well, come on. He’s always lurking around the cafeteria before dinner. Let’s tell him,” Taylor said, grabbing my hand.
I laughed as she pulled me across the quad. I felt weightless and A DOSE OF REALITY
free. I couldn’t stop smiling.
Thomas wasn’t near the door as he sometimes was, but this didn’t deter Taylor. She walked me right around the north side of the
building and there he was, surrounded by his usual posse . . .
. . . handing over a small bag containing half a dozen white pills.
“I aced it! All of it. Taylor, you saved my life.”
Taking a crisp, folded bill and slipping it into his pocket.
Taylor’s face shone with pride. We were on our way to dinner
I stopped in my tracks. The ground tilted beneath me. I broke
and a cool wind had kicked up, pulling the first yellow leaves from out into a cold sweat and all of the sudden I understood everything.
the trees. It sent Taylor’s golden curls dancing around her cheeks.
Thomas was dealing drugs? Thomas was dealing drugs. Right
“Really? You aced all of it?”
there in front of me. Right there in front of everyone. This was why he
“Well, not art history,” I said. “I only got a B on that test. But I was so popular. So powerful. This was why he was always surrounded still think it was totally unfair.”
by students. They weren’t his friends. They were his clients.
“But a B is great, Reed! You did it,” Taylor said, grabbing me up
“Oh, shit,” Thomas said, seeing my face.
in a hug.
I turned around, flinging Taylor’s hand from my arm, and ran.
“Not without you, I couldn’t have,” I told her, grinning. “I’m so
“Reed! Wait!” Thomas shouted. “I’ll catch up with you guys
relieved, you have no idea. I mean, after my last meeting with
later,” I heard him add to his clientele.
Naylor I really thought I was out of here.”
I flew around the corner and jogged off. Away from the cafeteria.
“Have you told Thomas yet?”
Away from them all. Where I was going, I had no idea. I just had My heart thumped. Apparently I hadn’t been that great at keep-to go.
ing the depth of my relationship with Thomas a secret. Of course,
“Reed!”
from the look of excitement on Taylor’s face she didn’t seem to Thomas grabbed my arm. I snatched it away.
mind as much as, say, Noelle might have.
“What’s the big deal?” he said.
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I whirled on him. “What’s the big deal? Are you kidding me?”
“No. It’s not,” he said. “Reed, I wouldn’t lie to you about that.
He knew about my mother. Knew she took pills and knew what
I wouldn’t lie to you about the important stuff.”
they did to her. What she did to me. How could he stand there and Because being a drug dealer was not important.
say this wasn’t a big deal?
“I have to go.” I started to walk again. He grabbed me again. “Let Taylor hovered behind him, uncertain. She held the fingers of
go of me, Thomas.”
one hand with the fingertips of the other and tried not to stare.
He stepped around me. Looked into my eyes. Somehow it hurt
“What?” Thomas said, having the gall to smile. “Someone has to
even more when he did that. He reached for my arms and I let him supply this stuff. It’s just a way to make some spending money.
touch me.
Chill out.”
“Reed, come on. You’re not mad,” he said, his palms cupping
Like he needed a way to make some spending money. His watch
my upper arms. His hands were warm. “You’re not. You love me,
was worth more than my car.
right? If you love me, you have to love everything about me.”
“Okay, Thomas, if it’s not a big deal, then why didn’t you tell I swallowed hard. I had never told him I loved him. He was
me?” I asked him.
standing there, in this awful moment, putting important words in
“Maybe because I knew you’d freak out,” he said, his expression my mouth. Throwing them around as a means to an end. How could
darkening. “You’re so good, Reed. I didn’t want you to think I wasn’t.”
he do this to me? I had given myself to him. Given him all of me.
“Well, lying is really going to help your case there,” I said.
And he had been lying to me the entire time. Who the hell was this Suddenly I realized this wasn’t the only thing he had lied to me person? “Thomas—“
about. “Your phone. The cell phone that you lost that you were so
“What? You’re not . . . ,” he scoffed, stepping backward. “You’re worried about. It’s not your parents’ phone, is it?”
not breaking up with me over this.”
His jaw clenched. “No. It’s not.”
I looked at him, feeling desperate. Feeling used and dirty and
My heart felt like it was going to beat itself to death. “It’s the stupid and wrong. I just wanted to get away from him. I just wanted phone they call you on, right? Your clients? And, what? Your suppli-to get away and think.
ers, too? Is that why you were so freaked?”
“I don’t know,” I said.
His face said it all. “They’re not the nicest people in the world, The defiance was gone instantly. I swear I saw fear in his eyes.
Reed. They have to be able to get hold of me.”
“Reed, no. Please. You can’t leave me. You . . . you love me.”
“God, Thomas. What are you going to tell me next? That all the
“Thomas—“
crap about your parents was made up too?” I asked.
“Reed, please,” he said.
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That almost sucked me in. The begging.
“I . . . I need some time,” I told him.
“No,” he said, clutching my hand, keeping me in place.
“Thomas, please,” I said. “Let me go.”
He searched my eyes. I made myself hold steady. Finally he
THE LAST STRAW
released his grip, pulling both his hands back as if he were under arrest. Then he put them behind his head for a second and bit his lip. He was trying to think of something to say. He looked like he was about to cry. I couldn’t take it anymore. I stepped around him and took off for Bradwell.
This time, I was wide awake, obsessing about Thomas, when my cell
“Reed! Reed! Where are you going?” Taylor called, running to
phone beeped. I had silenced the ringer hours ago after the twentieth catch up with me.“Did you know about this?” I demanded, realizing angrily pleading message from Thomas, but had neglected to do the she had known exactly where to find him.
same with the text alert. I picked the phone up slowly and stared at
“Well, yeah,” Taylor said with a shrug. “He supplies everyone in the message.
Billings. How could you not know that?”
MEET BEHIND BILLINGS. U HAVE 3 MINS.
I tasted bile in the back of my throat. I was going to be sick. I I lay there for a long moment. I was not
in the mood. Not after didn’t know anyone. I didn’t know anything. I was a naive, ridicu-Thomas. Not after Taylor’s blithe dismissal of his dealings. Not now lous, newbie sophomore.
that I knew what I knew. I was in no mood to do anything for any-
“Are you okay?” she asked.
one. To trust anyone in the slightest. I was in no mood to move.
“I have to go,” I told her. Then I took off, sprinting into the My pulse raced. I stared at the ceiling. I could ignore them. I oncoming darkness.
could. I was my own person with my own thoughts and feelings. I would be fine.
Except that I wouldn’t. If I ignored them, I would have nothing.
No Thomas. No Billings. Nothing. If I ignored them, I’d be just another nameless, faceless, struggling sophomore like Constance.
I would always be the Reed Brennan who had arrived at this school
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all awkward and alone and clueless. I had come a long way since
“Before class tomorrow, we want you to spike it with this,”
then. Could I really go back?
Noelle said.
The phone beeped again. I checked the screen.
Ariana stepped forward with a bottle of vodka and held it out. I TWO MINS.
stared at it.
I whipped my covers aside, got dressed, and forced myself to
“What? Why?” I said.
walk at a leisurely pace all the way down the stairs, out the door, and
“For fun,” Kiran said with a shrug. “He’ll probably spray the
over to the far side of Billings. I was so full of anger that my jaw hurt room with it.”
from clenching it and a headache had started to throb against my
“And someone will smell it and report him and there will be an
temples. Behind Billings, Noelle, Ariana, Kiran, and Taylor all investigation . . .” Noelle said leadingly, tilting her head to the waited. The night was cool, and they were all bundled into lush side.
sweaters and jackets.
Kiran snickered and Ariana smirked. Taylor looked down at her
“Are we infringing on your time or something?” Noelle asked.
feet. They had to be kidding me.
“What do you want?” I said coolly.
“He could get fired,” I said.
“Oh, so we’re doing attitude again, then,” Kiran said.
“Now that would be fun,” Noelle said. And they all laughed.
“Kiran,” Taylor said in a warning tone. Everyone looked at her.
My fingers curled into fists. I was already entirely on edge, but Interesting. Scolding was usually Ariana’s job. Apparently Taylor this was enough to send me over. They couldn’t mess with people’s was feeling sorry for me after witnessing my breakup and break-lives like this. Okay, maybe I had let them mess with mine, but that down. Had she not told everyone else about what had happened, or was my decision. And at least everything I’d done for them in the past did they just not care?
had benefited them in some way. Running for food, breaking up with Noelle stepped forward and looked down her nose at me. “We
guys, keeping Kiran’s secrets, stealing tests. . . . Well, except for that.
have another job for you.”
But when they had asked me to do it, it had ostensibly been for their I stared back at her in stoic silence.
benefit. But there was no way I was going to help them get a man fired
“You know that Thermos that Mr. Barber is always carrying?”
just for fun. No matter how much of an ass he was.
she said.
“No thanks,” I said, turning to go.
“Yeah.”
“What?” Kiran snapped.
What did they want me to do? Steal that, too?
“I thought you hated the guy,” Noelle said.
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I paused and tipped my head back. “So what?” I asked the sky.
one. I could see the doubt in their eyes. The absolute belief that I
“So . . . why not get him booted?” Taylor said.
would cave. It only made my conviction stronger. I was sick of them
“He deserves it,” Ariana put in. “After what he did to you.”
screwing with me. Of the Billings Girls and Thomas and everyone at
“What he did to me?” I said, turning to face them.
this damn school thinking it was perfectly fine to mess with the new
“On the first day of classes,” Ariana said, staring through me.
girl’s head. “There are certain things even I won’t do.”
“How do you know about that?” I demanded, letting my voice get My legs shook as I turned away from them. Turned away from
dangerously loud. Not one of them seemed to notice or care.
the new life I was so close to winning. Turned back into the familiar
“This is a small school,” Noelle said. “No one keeps secrets
darkness.
from us.”
I begged to differ. There were lots of secrets at this place. It was just that they were all being kept from me. I glanced at Kiran, who struggled not to look away. At least most secrets were being kept from me.
“I’m not doing this,” I said, backing away toward Bradwell.
“You sure about that?” Noelle asked.
“You do realize what you’re giving up,” Kiran said, crossing her slim arms over her chest.
I looked up at Billings, my breath making steam clouds in the
cool air. I looked at the arched windows through which I had first spied Ariana on that first night. I recalled the longing I had felt. The need. The feeling that these girls could be the ones to save me.
Rescue me from a life I never wanted to have.
I wanted it. I wanted it all so much. But a girl had to draw the line somewhere. This was the place.
“I’m not getting a man fired just because you guys feel like it,” I told them, looking each and every one of them in the eye, one by
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along one of the brick pathways by Mrs. Naylor. Leanne looked
nervous and sick, like she was about to pee in her pants. Something was up, and I wasn’t the only one who noticed. I heard Missy and Lorna behind me, whispering as we followed the duo’s progress.
INTRIGUING DUO
They turned up the pathway to the administration building and
disappeared through the heavy wooden doors. My heart pounded in my ears.
“Some body’s in trou ble,” Missy sang under her breath.
There would be no concentrating for the rest of the day.
Thursday morning in art history class, I stared out the window at the newly fallen leaves that skittered across the grass, as Ms.
Treacle droned on. I didn’t even care if the old woman called on me about the reading, which I hadn’t done. I wasn’t even entirely sure where I was.
I had turned the Billings Girls down. I had said no. In the gray light of day, I started to wonder if I was not a little bit insane. What did I think I was going to do here without them? My relationship with Thomas was over. I had ostracized myself from all the girls in my own class. I had thought I was being all moral and admirable.
Now I realized that all I had done was effectively demolished my one and only hope.
I would never be a Billings Girl. I would never be anything but poor little Reed Brennan with the blue-collar father and the addict mother. There was no escape.
Suddenly, as if conjured by my thoughts, one of the Billings
Girls appeared in my line of sight. Leanne Shore was being led
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on my case for suddenly sitting with them again. It was just another pain I�
�d have to endure on my elaborate fall from grace.
I was halfway down the aisle when Thomas stood up from the
end of a table and blocked my way. My heart flew into my throat. I SECOND CHANCE
hadn’t even noticed him there. His skin seemed translucent under the pale lights.
“I need to talk to you,” he said, his gaze intense.
I glanced right. Noelle and Ariana both looked away. They had
been watching.
By dinner everyone had heard the news. Leanne had been accused
“Don’t look at them. Look at me,” Thomas said. He was being
of breaking the honor code. The dirt was she had cheated on an
particularly loud.
English exam. There was going to be an investigation and if she was
“Thomas—”
found to be guilty, she would be expelled. Leanne didn’t show her
“I called you a hundred times last night. Why are you avoiding
face in the cafeteria that night, which was probably a wise idea, con-me?” he asked, turning suddenly petulant.
sidering all anyone was waiting for was her arrival. I was dying to
“I think you know why,” I told him.
talk to the Billings Girls about it—to find out what they knew—but
“Please, Reed. Just give me a chance to apologize,” he said. “You they hadn’t spoken to me all day. Hadn’t even looked in my direc-owe me at least one chance.”
tion when I passed them by in the quad. Knowing there was no way I looked into his pleading eyes and felt myself start to crumble.
I could even attempt to sit with them, I had spent both breakfast Whether from the urge to get out of the spotlight or from an actual and lunch in the infirmary and had planned to spend dinner there wish to hear him out, I was unsure. But I slipped into a chair at an too, until my aching, empty stomach convinced me otherwise.
empty table and he sat down across from me.
I stepped out of the line with my tray and glanced toward the
“I’m so sorry,” he said. “I should have told you. But I wanted to Billings table, where everyone was huddled together whispering. In be with you and I knew that if you knew you’d think I was some huge fact, everyone at every table was huddled together whispering,
loser.”
sharing the latest tidbits of gossip. I took a deep breath and started I stared at him.
for Constance’s table, knowing that Missy and the others would get
“You’re not a loser,” I said automatically.
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