She’d been crazy to challenge him to six months. Hopefully he hadn’t sensed the real dare behind the words. If she couldn’t make him see her as a potential spouse — if he couldn’t learn to love her — in six months, there really was no hope.
Only, there wasn’t any to start with.
“Too much oregano, Sierra?” asked Noel. “Too little basil?”
“Um, it’s fine. Great, really.” She pushed her plate away. “I’m just not very hungry.”
In fact, the discomfort she felt might not all be attributable to Gabe but the onset of yet another period. Whoever called those things monthlies was oh so wrong. Seemed lately she menstruated more often than not, and the cramping seemed to increase each time.
She’d rather think about other people’s medical problems than her own. But maybe she ought to see a physician at some point. Next month, if things didn’t improve.
“Why not put Maddie down for her nap here?” asked Claire. “We can play Pictionary or something while the peach cobbler bakes.”
“You’re always looking for a sixth player,” grumbled Zach. “But on the other hand… peach cobbler?”
“It’s a wonder you all aren’t fifty pounds overweight.” Gabe shook his head, grinning. “The food around here.”
Noel began gathering plates. “We work too hard to get fat.”
“And the meals are well-balanced,” Claire put in. “We don’t usually eat this many carbs.”
Except honey, of course. This definitely wasn’t the time to mention she herself had put on a few pounds in the past year.
“Sunday comfort food.” Noel reached for Sierra’s plate then raised his eyebrows. “Unless you want me to leave it?”
She shook her head. “Sorry. I’m not feeling well.” She pushed back her chair. “In fact, I think I’ll pass on games and dessert. It looks like a perfect day to curl up with a good book.” And a hot water bottle.
“I guess we’ll play Blackout, then.” Claire jumped to her feet and began gathering glasses. “I hope you feel better soon. Don’t worry about a thing.”
“Somebody I know needs a bath before her nap.” Zach scooped Madelynn out of her high chair. “Did you have to smear tomato sauce in your hair, kiddo?”
“If you do the bath, I’ll help in the kitchen,” said Jo.
Zach nodded and left, a kicking bundle under his arm.
They kept a second set of everything at the big house. A crib in the spare room. A bathroom drawer full of cloth diapers and another with clothes. Communal living at its finest. Sierra stood, suddenly aware only she and Gabe were left at the table. “Well, I’ll see you around.”
“Look, if I make you this uncomfortable, I don’t need to stay. It’s your home, not mine.”
Sierra grasped the chair back and looked at Gabe. “It’s not you.” She tried a shrug, but it hurt. It was all she could do to not wrap both arms around her middle and bend over. “Trust me, it’s not about you at all.”
His blue eyes clouded over. Was it that easy to tell what he was thinking? Could come in handy. “I didn’t mean it that way.”
How many possibilities were there? She raised her eyebrows. Hopefully her eyes were as chilly as his. “You’re not that important to me.” Liar. And did she have to be cruel to him to get some distance?
She would’ve loved to flounce out of the house with a carefree wave, but she didn’t have it in her. Instead, she focused on getting both feet moving toward the door at regular intervals.
Sierra pulled the door shut behind her… or tried to.
“Hey.” It was Jo. “You okay?”
“Not really. Period coming on with a full load of cramps.”
Jo pulled the door shut behind them both. “Didn’t you just have one?”
“It always seems like it, doesn’t it?”
“For a minute, I thought I’d said something wrong.” Jo laughed. “I shouldn’t have said that to Gabe, at least not in front of everyone.”
Probably not, but this wasn’t a discussion she wanted to have with her best friend. Not now, not ever.
“But it had to be said. It’s time he started moving forward, you know what I mean?”
“Jo, I’m dying here. Gabe’s love life isn’t any of my business, and I can’t even pretend to be interested when I’m in this much pain.”
“Sorry. You’re right. Want me to walk over with you?” Jo cupped her hand under Sierra’s elbow.
Sierra shook it off. “I’m not an invalid. Quit trying to avoid doing the dishes and get back in there. I’ll be fine.”
“That obvious, huh?” Jo laughed. “Call me if you need anything, okay?”
“Will do.” But the things Sierra needed, Jo was in no position to supply.
Chapter 7
Doreen peered at Gabe over her reading glasses. “But I sent you all the statements regularly.” She indicated the accounting software visible on the computer monitor. “I even learned how to use this program and emailed the files to you.” The stack of ledgers on the corner attested to her preferred method.
Everything was too hot. The wooden chair he sat on, the once-homey apartment, and his face. Definitely his face. “I didn’t study them. I see now that I should have, but everything seemed so distant.” He swallowed hard. “I needed to keep it that way.”
How could he fit back in Galena Landing, even for a few months? Had he actually promised Sierra? And if he had, did it really matter? Some promises should never be made to start with.
He’d kept the big one. ’Til death do us part. Bethany had, too, but her death had released him. Clinging to her and the memory of their years together seemed all that kept him sane some days, but maybe it was an illusion. He wasn’t sane anyway. Maybe he should let her go. Maybe Sierra and Jo were right. He had to move on. Somehow.
“Gabe?”
He blinked and Doreen’s face snapped into focus across the table. “I’m sorry. What did you say?”
She removed her glasses, folded them, and set them on the ledgers. “Gabe, I’m really concerned about you.”
She could get in line.
He jerked to his feet and paced the space that had once been his dining room. His and Bethany’s. He swung to face Doreen. “Do you know what I liked about Romania?”
She raised her eyebrows. “What?”
“No one said, ‘Gabe, I’m really concerned about you.’ They didn’t probe my feelings or tell me to move on. They said, ‘can you shoot some hoops with the kids?’ ‘Can you go pick up food from the market?’ ‘Can you figure out what’s wrong with the email program?’”
“So you just shoved your feelings into a back corner and tried to keep busy enough to avoid thinking about them.”
Gabe jammed his hands into his pockets. “Basically. Is there any other way to cope?” Man, he shouldn’t have asked her that. Not Doreen of all people. Not when he’d ditched her, leaving her to do his job as well as deal with the death of her only child.
She met his gaze steadily. “I think you know the answer to that. You always have a choice.”
“Doesn’t seem like I’ve had an option in any of it.”
“I know Bethany must have told you about her father.” Doreen took a deep breath. “He was a police officer who died in the line of duty when she was only two.”
Why hadn’t he ever thought about the fact that Doreen, too, knew what it was like to lose a spouse? He racked his brain for something to say. “You guys lived in Sacramento.”
“We did. I didn’t know how life could go on without Paul.”
He slumped back into the chair. “But you had a child. Someone to focus on.” And he didn’t. Their baby’s life had been snuffed out with Bethany’s.
“Some days that seemed more of a curse than a blessing.”
Surely he hadn’t heard her right. How could she say such a thing? About his Bethany?
“I couldn’t run away.” Doreen’s gaze held his. For once he could see the anguish deep inside her.
Gabe nodded. She hadn’t had the luxury of abandoning everything as he had.
“What I’m trying to say is, losing your life partner, your other half, is horrendous, no matter the circumstances. Whether you have five children, one child, or no one to remember your beloved by. It’s something no one should have to go through.”
And then she’d lost her daughter, and he’d been no help at all.
“Doreen, I… I don’t know what to say. I’ve been a jerk. I’ve been so swallowed up in my own problems, my own pain, I haven’t thought of you. Haven’t thought of others.”
A half-smile formed. “That’s the first step. Looking past your own grief. Remembering you’re not alone.”
Did he want to know what the second step was? Taking any of them only seemed to be the last nail in Bethany’s coffin. Like he was really saying goodbye to her forever.
“How’s your relationship with God, Gabe?”
His gaze shot back to her face. “Okay, I guess.”
“That doesn’t sound promising.”
He pulled back to his feet. “He could have prevented that accident. He could have kept her alive. Why did He kill her?”
“God didn’t kill her.”
“Give me one good reason she had to die.”
Doreen shook her head. “There isn’t one.”
“See?” He flung his hands out to the sides. “God just lines up His pawns on the board and sacrifices them without a second thought.” He had vague memories of throwing those words at Zach in the days after the accident.
“Not exactly. God has a plan for everything.”
“Then you’re saying God killed her. That He wanted her to die and leave me alone. That He wanted me to suffer without her for the rest of my life. Some God. That’s an even worse belief.”
“I can’t pretend to know God’s mind. The only peace I can find is to acknowledge that He sees the whole chess game, to use your analogy. That He has a strategy I cannot understand.”
“You say that. You who lost a husband and your only child.”
“I cling to it.”
“Then you can’t have loved them as much as I loved Bethany.” The harsh words sprang to his ears, and he cringed. So unfair. So cruel. He knew it. And yet… wasn’t it true? How could Doreen sit there and spout nonsense about God’s plan as though it mattered more than their own lives and hopes and dreams?
Doreen stared at him, tears welling in her eyes. She brushed her graying hair from her face with the back of her hand then clicked the mouse to close the program. “We’ll finish the books another day.” She slipped her glasses on, grabbed her light jacket from its hook on the wall and headed for the door.
“Look, I’m sorry.”
She stopped with her back to him and her hand on the knob as though waiting for him to continue. But what else could he say? After an instant, her shoulders drooped even more and she slipped from the room.
He should call her back and apologize as though he meant it. She didn’t deserve his harsh words. She’d been a good mom to Bethany and accepted Gabe into their circle as a teen. Why couldn’t he bridge this gap?
Her soft footfalls sounded down the stairs. A moment later he heard her car start up then crunch across the gravel parking lot. Silence.
Gabe looked around the dining room that had been converted into the business office since he’d left. The small kitchen looked just as it had when Bethany stood at the stove making dinner. If he closed his eyes, maybe she’d be right there, proving he’d had a bad dream.
A three-year-old bad dream. Not likely.
The baby’s room pulled him like a magnet. Bethany had asked the ultrasound technician for the baby’s gender. He’d wanted to wait and be surprised. Thank God she’d insisted. What if he’d never known they were to have a baby girl? His daughter. Bethany had wanted pink walls. She’d even bought the paint.
Sierra had moved her stuff out sometime in the past few days. The walls were as beige as they had been for the life of the building. What was that, forty years? He jerked the closet door open. Cans from Benjamin Moore sat on the shelf amid piles of boxes.
Boxes of what? Had Sierra left something behind to pick up later?
He opened the top one and lifted out a baby sleeper hardly any bigger than his hand. White with ruffled pink edging and an embroidered rosebud.
Gabe clutched the piece of clothing to his chest as he sank to the floor.
“Why, God, why?”
* * *
She’d forgotten her coat in the back of Nature’s Pantry. It was nearly dark as she headed back from Tyrell’s bee yard. What was Sierra going to do about him? He was a nice guy and he seemed to really like her. They both loved life in Galena Landing and, since Tyrell had moved back to the area, he’d become a regular attendee at the church. He even taught Sunday School.
There wasn’t any reason to keep him at arm’s length, which he often managed to circumvent as he swooped in for a quick hug or a kiss. No reasons at all, except for his big business beekeeping ideas. And the slight fact that he didn’t make her knees wobble.
She pulled along the curb in front of the store and turned off the car. She ran to the door, unlocked it, and let herself in. At the back of the store, she opened the closet and grabbed her jacket and shopping bag.
A muffled sound from upstairs caused the hairs on the back of her neck to prickle. The store’s parking was behind the building, and she hadn’t even wondered if anyone might be here. Doreen would have gone home hours ago.
Gabe?
Or maybe a burglar. Not much crime in Galena Landing but, hey, you never knew. It would only take a minute to tiptoe up the back steps and see what she could see.
Sierra fingered the cell phone in her pocket. She could call for help pretty quickly if she needed it. She opened the door to the inside stairs and listened. A man’s voice. Desperate.
She began up the long flight, craning her ears to hear the second voice as she avoided the steps that creaked. One must be giving orders if another was begging. The other person must be speaking very quietly.
Finally at the top of the steps, she slowly turned the handle and opened the door just a crack. A sliver of bright light slanted through. The voice was clearer without the door between.
Gabe?
In distress?
Was there something she should know about him, some reason someone would blackmail him? She pushed the door open a smidge further, but she couldn’t see anyone. Gabe still sounded distant, like his voice came from her clinic or the bedroom. She’d lived up here, but it had always been his and Bethany’s. She’d never forgotten.
Sierra tiptoed across the combo kitchen and dining room she and Doreen had used as shared office space. Light shone from the clinic… from the nursery.
“Oh, God, give me a reason to live.”
Her heart lurched. There was no intruder. Just Gabe in his own space, grieving.
She was the intruder, frozen in the middle of the space. Should she carry on and let him know he wasn’t alone, that there were plenty of reasons to live? Or sneak back the way she’d come, and not let on she’d trespassed and overheard?
Their relationship was tenuous at best. It couldn’t even be called a relationship. Best to leave and pretend this never happened. She turned, and her jacket caught a stack of ledgers on the edge of the table. With horror she watched them slow-mo to the floor. They would crash any second.
She whirled back to the doorway across the space as they hit with a resounding splat.
“Doreen? I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have been so insensitive. Please forgive me.”
He expected her to speak. Expected her to be Doreen.
“I… It’s Sierra. I thought I heard something up here and came to check.” She took a deep breath. “I’m leaving. I didn’t mean to bother you.” She grabbed the pile of ledgers and smacked them back on the table, farther from the edge, then scurried toward the back stairs.
“Sierra?” His voice was clearer. Nearer.
She yanked the door wide before daring a glance back.
He stood, blond hair disheveled, his shirt partially untucked, his face wet.
Tears?
Anyone else, she’d be over there in a second, seeing if she could help. It was her nature. But not Gabe. She’d show too much.
“Sierra, I-I was just about to leave. If you had something to do here in your… office, go ahead.”
“No, it’s okay. I only needed my jacket from downstairs.” Her gaze fell on the work spread out on the table. His words clicked in. “Doreen went over the books with you?” Monday night. How could she have forgotten?
He wiped his sleeve across his face and moved closer. “She was here. We didn’t get too far in the books.”
The guy looked miserable. “Oh?”
“It’s all so hard. I can’t handle this.”
Common sense fled. “You think it’s any easier for Doreen? You’re not the only one hurting. She lost her husband years ago and then her only child. Her only hope for a grandchild.” Sierra’s hand flew to her mouth. Way to go for the jugular.
Gabe’s face blanched. “You think I don’t know that?”
Well, she’d gone and done it. Might as well finish this off. He already wouldn’t ever want to speak to her again. “Stop being so selfish. You’re not the only one who’s ever lost their love. Think about her. Think about other people for once.”
“What do you know about it?” His face hardened as he took a few steps toward her.
No way would he hurt her. Not the way she was hitting him with words.
“Did you lose a spouse? A child? Anyone at all? Tell me how you have the right to tell me what to do and how I should act. Tell me what stakes you’ve got in this.”
She stared at him. The loss of her favorite aunt to cancer wouldn’t have any power against his pain. It was completely different than a spouse or a child. She knew it, even though it had hit her hard as a preteen. “No, I don’t have any experience in your kind of grief.”
A Farm Fresh Romance Series 1-3 (A Farm Fresh Romance Box Set) Page 57