He waited. God, please give her the words. Please help me understand. He clenched his hands together. Help me bear it.
“I’ve been having increasingly painful periods.” Her cheeks flushed.
His did, too. Not the average non-married conversation.
“Chelsea finally made me go to the doctor. I’ve had a bunch of tests and procedures done in the last few weeks.”
Gabe hadn’t known. How could he? Why had she held this back? “I’m sorry to hear that.”
“I have endometriosis.” She glanced at him.
He shook his head. “I’m not familiar with the word.”
She bit her lip. “An unnatural thickening of the uterus walls. It causes a lot of problems.”
“I see.” He sort of did. But there must be more.
“I found out today that it isn’t cancerous.”
He swung to meet her gaze full on. “Well, that’s great news! Right?”
She nodded, her face still pensive. “My aunt died of uterine cancer when I was a kid. I’ve been really worried about it.”
Gabe surged to his feet, crossed the space, and knelt by her chair. “Is that why you wouldn’t talk about it?” He reached up and tangled his fingers in a curl of her hair. “I would have been there for you.”
She searched his face, apparently unconvinced.
“I would have.”
Sierra inhaled sharply. “There’s more.”
“I’m listening.” He tried to capture her hands, but she pulled away.
“I know…” Her voice broke. “I know you miss Bethany. And I remember how excited you were about her pregnancy.”
“It’s okay, Sierra. She’ll always be in my memories, but she wouldn’t have wanted to hold me back. I can’t live in the past for the rest of my life.”
“That’s not what I meant, exactly. I mean… you love kids. You’re good with Maddie. You’re always talking about having a family.”
“Yes?” No denying that.
She unwrapped the quilt and pushed past him as she rose then crossed the room to stare out the window at the snow-covered trees. “I can’t get pregnant, Gabe. I can’t give you kids.”
Chapter 34
Sierra stared out the window. Snow had built up on a bough of a nearby evergreen. Suddenly the whole mass slid off with a rumbling poof and the branch sprang upright.
Wasn’t that supposed to happen? She’d dropped her biggest bomb. What would the result be?
The room lay silent behind her. She hadn’t expected that. Surely Gabe had a reaction of some sort. Maybe he was tiptoeing toward the door, hoping to sneak out without talking to her. She whirled around.
Gabe sat on the floor where she’d left him, his face cradled in his hands.
Angry? Sorrowful? How could she know? “Gabe? Did you hear me?” Her voice echoed harshly in the quiet room.
“I heard you.” But he didn’t look up.
She took a few steps closer. “I know you told me you’d be waiting for me. I know I pushed you to your limit. I know—”
He sprang to his feet. “You don’t know.”
What was the look in his eyes? It changed a dozen times a second.
“You don’t know what it felt like to open my heart to someone again.” The words exploded out of him. “How hard that was for me. How it felt to be pushed aside for a guy like Burke. Why him?”
Sierra searched his face then looked away. “He doesn’t want kids.”
He brushed her words aside with a sweep of his hand. “Why didn’t you talk to me? Why did you force me to watch helpless from the sidelines while you paraded Burke in front of your family? Why didn’t you trust me enough to see if I’d walk through this beside you?” He grasped her arms and gave her a little shake. “Why?”
“But you want children—”
“Why not let me decide how important that is to me compared to losing you?”
“But—”
Another shake. “Sierra, don’t you see? If we don’t trust each other, we have nothing.”
Didn’t they already have nothing? “I’m sorry.”
He dropped her arms and turned away. “Not half as sorry as I am.”
“You don’t understand! I said I’m sorry! You’re supposed to—”
Gabe pivoted. “Supposed to say it’s all okay? It isn’t that simple. Words don’t make it fine. They don’t undo what’s happened.”
“I was trying to protect you.” Sierra wrapped both arms around her middle.
“I don’t need protecting. I’m a grown man, Sierra. I’m not a kid to feed… honey to. I’ll take the truth any day over processed baby food.”
Moisture welled up in her eyes. “Well, then, I guess we’re done. You want a family, and I can’t provide that. I apologize for my actions, and you push me away. I guess we’re even.” Tears burned down her cheeks as she turned back to the window. “Just go away.”
“How far?” His voice was low and even.
“What do you mean, how far? However far it takes.”
“I sold the store.”
He what? Sierra swung around. “Pardon me?”
“You heard me. A friend of mine who’s a Realtor had a client looking for a business like Nature’s Pantry. We talked, they looked, and we signed a contract a few days ago. It’s theirs at the end of the year.”
“But you can’t do that. Why didn’t you tell me?”
His jaw hardened. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
She took a step closer. “I don’t get it. You sold the store because of me?”
“Did you think I’d stay in Galena Landing and cheerfully watch you have a dozen of Burke’s kids?”
“But I can’t—”
“So you say now. But what was I supposed to think, Sierra? How on earth could I have known?”
She dropped into the nearest chair and folded her arms over her head. Oh no, no, no. What had she done? How could Gabe have yanked this away from her? It was her fault. All hers. “I’m so sorry,” she choked out. “What are you going to do?”
“I don’t know. It’s only been a few days. I haven’t come up with a plan.”
Nature’s Pantry in some other owner’s hands? After all she’d poured into it? But Gabe was right. She’d provided so little to go on. If she’d only given him more thought, she’d have remembered his original plans were to dump the store and run.
She’d pushed him too far. How could she make it up to him? “Gabe, I—”
“Sierra, don’t you see? You mean more to me than all the children we might’ve had, but now I have nothing to offer you. No home, no job. Nothing.”
She wiped her tears away with her sleeve and looked up. He stood several feet away, right where she’d left him. She sniffled. “I have nothing to offer you, either.”
They stared at each other. The hardness in his eyes had dissipated. Were those tears welling in his eyes, too? Maybe they were all hers, making everything she looked at damp. She wiped her face again and reached for a tissue from the nearest side table.
He crouched beside her. “Maybe that’s the best way. It’s how we come to Jesus, after all. Nothing we have is good enough to sweeten the deal for Him to love us.”
Was he saying what she thought he was saying? Was forgiveness possible?
His hand swept the hair from the side of her face, and she leaned into his touch, her gaze never leaving his. “We don’t always get what we deserve.”
“Maybe that’s a good thing.” Both his hands cradled her face. “Can we start again? Can we build some trust and see where God leads us?”
“Do you mean it?” The last of the ice thawed in her belly. “Please.”
His lips caressed hers.
* * *
There wasn’t a better place to have a Christmas party or better people to have it with. Gabe looked around the dining room table at Green Acres at his friends. His and Sierra’s. Jo had tucked Maddie into her crib in the spare room and come back with the box containing Pictionary.
Zach caught his eye and nodded. Claire winked. Noel grinned.
They were all in on it. Now if it would only go as planned.
“I’ll bet anything we girls will leave you guys in the dust.” Jo pulled the board out of the box.
Claire got out the game pieces. “We’ve been reading each others’ minds for years.”
“I wouldn’t be so sure about that.” Zach leaned back in his chair at the head of the table. “Me and Gabe go back a lot farther than you do. And I don’t think Noel will be much of a hindrance.”
“You’re on.” Gabe draped an arm around the back of Sierra’s chair.
“Hope you’re a good loser,” she said, smirking.
“I never lose.” He grinned at her.
“Neither do I.”
“Not competitive much, are we?” asked Noel. “Pretty sure we guys will give you girls a run for your money.”
Sierra surged out of her chair, ran into the kitchen, and came back with a jar of honey. “I bet we win. What’ve you got to wager?”
Gabe grinned. “I came prepared.” He strolled over to where his jacket hung behind the door. Then he brought an object back and set it beside the jar.
“Cora’s plain rice cakes?” Sierra sounded incredulous. “I’m not sure I want to win, if that’s what the prize is.”
“I think we can—” Gabe tapped the honey jar twice and waggled his eyebrows. “—sweeten the deal, if you don’t mind the pun.”
“I don’t know if there’s enough honey in the world to make those things palatable.”
“Guess you’ll have to lose, then, if winning is such a problem.”
She rolled her eyes and picked up the dice. “Let’s get started.”
The girls drew the first turn, Sierra sketching a place for her team.
“Portland!” called Jo.
Gabe leaned closer. “How could you tell?”
“We’ve been studying the map since you decided to go to college there.” She smirked at him.
“But that doesn’t look anything like a map.”
Sierra dug her elbow into his ribs. “Quit making fun of my artistic skills.”
“Or lack of them.” Gabe turned to the guys. “Who’s going first for our team?”
“You are. Pull a card already.” Noel jutted his chin at the box.
The game turned out closer than Gabe had expected. After much laughter and scribbles no one should have deciphered, both teams sat within reach of the finish line.
“We are going to win,” Zach informed his wife.
“Whatever.” Jo waved a languid hand. “Sierra, would you mind putting the kettle on? This will soon be over, either way, and I’d like some tea.”
Sierra cast Jo a quizzical look but stood. “Sure.” She headed into the kitchen.
Zach grabbed the box of cards and hid it while he shuffled them.
“Hurry up,” whispered Claire.
Gabe’s gut took this opportunity to twist, and his hands got clammy. The teams had switched allegiance, though Sierra didn’t yet realize it. Now it was everyone against her. Sort of.
Sierra slid back into her chair seconds after Zach replaced the box. “Whose turn is it to draw?”
“Gabe’s,” Jo replied. “Yours if it’s an all-play.”
Gabe pulled the front card out of the box. Zach had better have done this correctly. A glance proved the set-up was complete. He made a moue of disappointment. “It’s an all-play.” He slid the card to Sierra.
It was all he could do not to boldly watch her reaction. He did catch the sidelong glance she shot him, but he carefully stared off into space as though contemplating his work of art.
“Ready?” Noel had his hand on the egg timer.
“Ready.” Oh, yeah, he was ready. He’d been planning for days how he could mess up a drawing as simple as this one. A stick man on one knee.
“Basketball?” said Zach.
“No.” Gabe glanced at Sierra’s paper. She’d drawn a circle with a little crown on one edge.
“Tiara?” asked Claire.
Sierra shook her head. She quickly drew a square at an angle, adding some facets with an arrow toward the crown.
Jo leaned closer.
Gabe added a diamond ring anyone could recognize. Noel and Zach made guesses from horses to knitting.
Finally their laughter got through to Sierra, and she glanced at his paper.
He added another stick figure, this one in a skirt, standing in front of the kneeler.
Her gaze went from the paper to his face.
“Oh, man.” Zach shook his head. “Sierra was right. I’m no good at this game. I sure do hate losing though.”
“No, it’s my artwork,” Gabe said. “Too bad I’m not a better artist.” He shifted to one hip and pulled the little velvet-covered box out of his pocket. He turned to Sierra. “Let’s switch to charades, so I can demonstrate instead of draw.”
Her eyes widened and her hands clapped over her mouth, the pencil skittering across the floor.
In one fluid motion, Gabe dropped to the floor on one knee and opened the box. “Sierra, will you marry me?”
“Proposal!” called Noel. “Is that what you were trying to draw?”
Sierra burst into tears and lunged at him, wrapping both arms so tightly around his neck he thought he’d choke as he rocked back on his heels.
“Hey, now.” He laughed and steadied them both. “What kind of answer is that?”
“It’s a yes, you crazy man. It’s a yes!”
Epilogue
Sierra walked through the empty apartment above Nature’s Pantry. She’d spent so many hours here. A few back in the early days at Green Acres when Bethany was still alive. Many more while Gabe was in Romania. And others since his return.
It was hard to say goodbye.
“You’ll like the Smiths.” Gabe came up behind her and slid both arms around her, nuzzling her neck.
She took a deep breath as she leaned back against him. “It won’t be the same.”
“No, it won’t. But we don’t want time to stand still. We want it to move forward.”
“April seems a long way off.”
“I’ll be back before you know it with a fresh diploma to my name, ready to take over the management of the nonprofit you’ve helped set up.”
Somebody to keep things pointed in one direction would be a huge relief. It had taken Allison’s introduction to realize how scattered their efforts had been until now.
“Take good care of that junior youth class for me.”
“About that. Are you sure?”
“It’s just four months. I have faith in you. We can go over the lessons on Skype every week if you want.”
She let out a long breath. “That would help.”
His hands turned her around to face him. “And then June.” He rested his forehead against hers, gazing deep into her eyes. “I can’t wait.”
She slipped her arms around his neck. “Me, either.”
“Don’t let that event planner sister of yours turn this into her wedding.” He kissed her temple then let his lips wander down her jawbone. “Stand your ground.”
Hard to do when his touch made her bones like jelly. “I will.”
“And in a year or two, if God doesn’t send a surprise our way, we’ll find a child who needs a home.” He kissed her nose. “Maybe two or three of them.”
A beautiful thought. Why hadn’t she realized that biology was only part of parenting?
His lips nuzzled hers. For a long moment she reveled in the sensation. She felt his reluctance as he pulled away.
“I need to hit the road.”
“I know.” Sierra ran her fingers down his face. “Drive safely.”
“The new car has Bluetooth.” He winked. “So I can talk to you the whole way to Portland.”
“At least where there’s coverage.” She kissed him. “Oh, Gabe, don’t go.”
“I have to, sweetheart. I’m doing this for us. To open the
doors God has put in front of us.” He pulled her tight for a moment then tugged her to start walking toward the back stairs.
She went down in front of him, aware of every footstep, aware this was the last time they’d leave the apartment behind.
Gabe walked her over to the hatchback, which looked even more decrepit sitting next to his nearly-new Accord. He’d badly needed a new set of wheels, especially for all the driving back and forth he’d promised to do in the next few months.
She might even stay down there with her parents for a week or two. That would be a good idea. Do some wedding shopping there. Her dress, maybe.
And see more of Gabe.
He opened her car door, but she flung herself back into his arms. “I love you, Gabe. I’ll be counting the days.”
“I love you, too, Sierra. Drive home safely. Those new tires should keep you from sliding off the road when your knight in shining armor isn’t here to rescue you.”
She sniffled. “That was Zach.”
He laughed. “Believe what you want. I’ll do anything to protect you, even if it means letting Zach and Noel take care of things for a few months.”
“Not everything.”
“Definitely not everything.” He rested his forehead against hers, looking deep into her eyes. “Winter will soon be over. April is coming.” He kissed her. “And then June.”
Recipe for Easy Coffee Mocha
1 cup hot brewed coffee (organic, fair trade)
1 teaspoon or more local honey to taste
1 rounded teaspoon cocoa (organic, fair trade)
A pinch of salt
A sprinkle of cinnamon
Stir together until honey and cocoa are dissolved, then add a glug of organic cream.
Enjoy!
Jump to:
Raspberries and Vinegar
Wild Mint Tea
Sneak Peek: Peppermint Kisses
Sweetened with Honey
Sneak Peek: Dandelions for Dinner
Dandelions for Dinner Chapter 1
A Farm Fresh Romance Series 1-3 (A Farm Fresh Romance Box Set) Page 77