John pulled me back against his chest, and held me tightly. I couldn’t respond. I couldn’t hug him back. I couldn’t feel anything but an empty burning ache.
John eased me back down across the pillows and continued to stroke my arm as he watched the news reports. I cried silently until there were no tears left to shed. Then I became like stone again. Like when my parents died. Someone had to move me – I had no will of my own. After an hour or so, I fell into an exhausted slumber.
I floated through the clouds, over the river, and down the mighty Mississippi for miles and miles. The river rolled, ebbed and flowed as the trees hung their branches out down low as if they wanted to catch a drink. The moss hung down from the trees in curtains, concealing what lay at the water’s edge. Being able to fly was exhilarating, and a feeling of euphoria washed through me as I glided easily wherever I wanted to go. But where? I was confused. I wanted to go somewhere but I’d lost my way. Banton, where was he? I couldn’t find the house, I couldn’t find him. I landed, walking by the edge of the river as a tree stump floated by, and turned over in the current. Not a tree branch, but a man…Banton’s face stared at me, his skin a sickly ashen gray, his eyes dead black, lifeless…
I gasped and sat up in bed. I blinked hard; I couldn’t focus my swollen eyes. It was dark in the room, where was I? Then I remembered as I heard sobs in the next room, the subdued voices down the staircase. Everett’s voice drifted in and out among others I recognized the familiar voices of Sam and Patrick…Mr. Jackson answered someone. His lyrical Cajun accent was somehow like a warm hug. It was so like him to come to the house when he sensed a crisis. I sank back into the pillows and wanted to die. I wanted to be with Banton.
There was a knock at the door. “Bebe, are you awake?” Everett pushed the door open, and Beau pushed his way into the room and padded over to the side of the bed, laying his head on the mattress beside me.
“Sweet Bebe, Banton’s parents are here. They want to see you. Is it all right if I send them up?” he asked, sitting down beside me.
“Umm,” I tried to clear the hoarseness from my throat, and then whispered to him. “Yes.”
Claudia came in first, her face swollen from the shedding of tears and unbearable grief. Mrs. Elaine was ashen, all of the color gone from her beautiful complexion. She seemed more in shock than anything else. Mr. Matt appeared to be in control. The only clue to his grief was his red-rimmed eyes.
“Chandler, Sweetheart…” Mrs. Elaine flew to my side, and I threw my arms around her neck. As she sobbed into my neck, Mr. Matt sat down slowly on the other side of the bed.
“Everett says you haven’t eaten or drank anything since you heard the news. You have to at least drink something, Sweetheart…for the babies…” Mrs. Elaine whispered to me as she pushed a strand of my hair back behind my ear. Just like my mother used to do.
“I can only imagine what this is doing to you. This is harder for you than any of the rest of us. Sweetheart, there are some decisions to be made; we have to make some arrangements…” Mr. Matt began, his voice breaking.
“No,” I looked up at him.
“All right, we…we can talk in the morning. Our pastor is coming from N’awlins in the morning, and we can make arrangements then…”
“No!” I said louder.
“Chandler…” Claudia began, in a reasoning tone.
I wasn’t having any of that. “I said, no. Not until they find him. He’s only missing. I won’t do anything while he’s only missing. They could still find him, he’s not dead…” I stared at them. “He’s not dead. He’s alive. Like Sam. He’s ALIVE! He’s NOT DEAD!” I screamed at them to understand me.
“Bebe, calm down. Shhh. Calm down, please,” Everett pleaded, pushing around Mrs. Elaine to comfort me. Mr. Matt began to sob softly. Claudia put her arms around him and pulled him from the room. John came running up the stairs as he heard my outburst.
“What’s wrong? What happened?” Everett glanced up at him, shaking his head.
“Banton’s parents tried to talk to her about arrangements, and she won’t…” he began.
“HE’S NOT DEAD! He’s only missing! Why won’t any of you believe me?” I screamed, grabbing my stomach as pains shot across my abdomen. I gasped and fell over, curling into a ball. I tried to stop the onslaught of pain.
“I think we need to call Doc. Maybe he can give her something,” John said, sitting down on the bed beside me.
Banton’s mother followed Everett out of the room as I let John pull me into his arms. He eased back into the pillows, pulling me up to rest on his chest. I continued to catch my breath as spasms broke across my abdomen and lower back.
“What’s wrong? Are you hurting?” he asked, stroking my hair.
I sucked in my breath as another pain hit. “Yes, I’m…I think I’m in labor,” I managed to gasp, my voice breaking on my sobs.
“Oh, God,” John pulled my face up to look at me. “Hold on, Andie-girl, we’re going to get you to Doc Lane’s.” He picked me up off the bed and flew down the staircase, my head buried in his neck.
“Everett! Ev!” John yelled as he reached the front door.
“John, where are you going with her?” Everett exclaimed. He, Claudia and Constance rushed into the entry. I glanced over John’s shoulder and noticed Mr. Jackson standing silently inside the living room, twisting his hat in his hands.
“I’m taking her to Doc. Help me, Everett. I need for you to call ahead. Tell Doc she’s in labor.”
“Oh, no. It’s way too early,” Constance interrupted.
“I know. Come on, Ev, hurry!” John insisted as Everett opened the front door. John ran down the steps and over to his truck. Everett opened the back door, and John slid into the seat with me in his lap. He handed Everett the keys, and Everett ran around to get into the driver’s seat. As he started the motor, Constance opened the passenger door.
“I’m coming with you!” she exclaimed, crawling into the front seat.
I had no concept of time, just that I was in pain. My head felt as though it was exploding with thoughts and memories I couldn’t bear to dwell on. Pains continued to draw my stomach into contractions, and my back ached horribly. The physical pain I could stand. The mental pain was unbearable. My mind began to slip, leaving reality behind. Banton…I closed my eyes, and I could see him like the last time I’d studied his face. It was so clear…the shadow of stubble on his face as he gazed at me on the computer screen, the way his lashes curled against his lower lids, the flecks of gold in his eyes, his deep, soft sexy voice…“Baby, I have to go now. I’ll meet you later, in our dreams…”
I drifted. I was warm and comfortable. No longer in pain, I was in a sort of restful limbo. Sleep… peaceful, dreamless sleep. The numbness was tolerable. I couldn’t remember why I was supposed to be hurting. I was just relieved I wasn’t any more. I slept and slept.
* * *
Slowly but surely I began to wake. Someone stroked my cheek. I could smell his cologne, a familiar guy smell. He stroked his thumb across my cheek, up my jaw line, and whispered softly in my ear.
“I’m here, Chandler. I’m here. Sweetheart, I’m here.”
“Banton.” I opened my eyes and turned my head toward him.
John’s eyes filled with tears as he answered me. “No, Andie-girl. It’s not Banton. It’s me. I’m sorry,” he continued to stroke my cheek as he spoke.
“How are you feeling?” Constance’s voice came from across the room.
I just turned and stared at her. She looked like hell.
She continued, “You’ve been asleep quite a while. The doctor put you on a drip to stop the contractions. You’re all right for now, and the babies are good. Momma and Daddy just left to go back home and clean up and change.”
“How long have I been asleep?” I asked groggily. I didn’t even recognize the sound of my own voice.
“Twenty-four hours,” she replied.
“Has there been any…any more news?” I asked, searc
hing both their faces.
“Just confirmation the Navy only found a few survivors. They found Colin and he’s on a Navy hospital ship. He’s going to be fine. I talked to his sister last night,” she explained quietly.
“Has anyone talked to him? What about the others?” My voice rose, my heart beating faster. The monitors attached to me went wild.
“Shhh, Andie, stay calm, please, or we will have to give you something to calm you down,” John pleaded as he rested his head down across his hand, resting it just beside mine.
“He remembers seeing Banton and Ty, just before…” her voice broke. “He didn’t offer much hope,” she finished.
“But they haven’t found their bodies. They haven’t found them,” I insisted.
“No, Chandler. They haven’t found them,” John answered, moving his hand to rest beside my cheek.
I lay my head back silently and took a deep breath. Denial was my new strategy. I had to hold on, just had to keep him alive, in my own mind. I had to, for me and for his babies.
Taking a deep breath, I decided to plunge forward. It was time to wake up. “What does the doctor say, about the babies?”
“They’re good. We’ve made it to twenty nine weeks. He wants to try to hold you till we can get them to thirty-four. Their lungs have a much better chance,” Constance answered me in a much cheerier voice. She rose and crossed the room to the side of my bed.
“Well, I guess I’d better get going again on the nursery. I don’t have much time left. We’ve got furniture to put together,” John grinned at me just like Banton used to.
I had to look away. It hurt too much to look John in the face. It seemed as though he were trying to take Banton’s place. I couldn’t stand it.
“Mrs. Elaine and Mr. Matt want you to call them, when you feel up to it. They’ve been so worried, and they were here all day yesterday. We need to call and update them,” she answered.
“Have they, I mean, did they insist on…on making arrangements?” I whispered.
“Yes, they did. They’ve planned a memorial service in conjunction with Ty’s father at their church on Friday morning. They’re hoping you’ll be able to go.”
“No, I’m not going. I’m not.” I fixed my eyes on the window and watched the rain as it ran down the panes.
“All right, Sugar. We’ll talk about it later.”
“Constance, if you want to go home and rest, take my truck. I think I’ll camp out here with Andie a while. You look tired,” he commented.
“I guess I need to. I need to call Momma and Daddy to let them know I’m coming home. We’ll all be back tonight.”
“Don’t rush, Constance. You need to rest. I’ll be fine. John’s here with me,” I insisted as she leaned over to kiss my cheek.
“Okay, I’ll call you when I get home. I love you, darlin’,” she said, turning to leave.
“I love you too,” I whispered. John rose from the side of the bed, and walked over to the doorway, intercepting Constance as she started to leave. He took her in his arms. I’d never seen them embrace before. Her shoulders shook with sobs as she held him close.
“I’m here for you, Diva Doll. We’ll get through this together. I love you, you know,” he pulled back and smiled at her.
“I love you too, John. Bye.”
He shut the door gently, and then turned back to me. “Can I get you anything?”
I turned my gaze back to him. I’d been watching the rain drizzle in zig-zag patterns down the windowpanes. “No, nothing. I’m fine.”
He strode back over to the bed and commanded, “Scoot over. I’m coming in.” He settled down beside me, pulling me over to rest my head on his chest. We lay like that the rest of the afternoon, saying nothing, just watching the rain outside the windows. He knew, and so did I, that there was nothing to say. Both of our lives had been ripped apart, and there was nothing we could do but hold each other.
* * *
Doctor Lane kept me in the clinic until Saturday, for observation and to keep me off my feet. I suspected he was also giving me an excuse not to have to make the decision about going to the memorial service for Banton, and I was relieved. I didn’t want any more confrontations with Banton’s family. They were resigned to his death, and I wanted them to stop pushing me. I was angry. I couldn’t understand how they could just take everything at face value, when there was no body, and the Navy hadn’t even declared Banton, Ty or Ben dead. Not in my mind, anyway. They all thought I just couldn’t deal with the reality, but I just wasn’t convinced he was gone. As long as there was no body, there was still hope. I would not give in.
Aunt Sue and Uncle Lon took turns with Constance and John staying with me, reluctant to leave me alone. Saturday morning when Dr. Lane released me, everyone was on hand to bring me home, creating somewhat of a circus-like atmosphere. Even the evil cousins Cade and Drew were in the group cheer-up session. They were all smothering me.
“Come on, Andie! Let’s get this show on the road. Waddle on through, and we’ll get your bags,” Cade teased as Drew picked my suitcases up and then tossed them one at a time into the hallway to Cade.
“I don’t waddle!” I shot back, standing to stretch my back. I was definitely off balance these days, not used to all the weight out front, but I was determined I wouldn’t show it as I walked. I was a little stiff and unsteady, having been on strict bed rest for days.
“Leave her alone, boys! She’s doing fine.” Everett steadied me at my elbow.
“If we hurry, we can catch the last three or four innings of the Rangers game on TV. Hey, Andie, we’re actually pulling for a Texas team for a change.”
“That’s a first. I might even let you watch it on my TV,” I offered. Cade grinned at me. He was trying too hard to be nice and keep the atmosphere light, and my eyes began to water at his effort.
“Well, I know she’ll be glad to get home,” John added, joining our little group on the way out to the car. “Beau’s really missed you. He’ll be glad you are back.” He leaned over to kiss my forehead as he helped me into the car.
We made a little train down the interstate with Aunt Sue’s SUV, Everett’s car, and John’s pickup. Everyone chattered away in Aunt Sue’s car as I remained silent, falling into somewhat of a state of what I liked to call “hovering.” I hovered over the conversation, the people there, my reactions. It was like I was watching the world around me, detached, too afraid of my responses to join in the world of the living. It was to be my state of being for the next several days.
I thought I’d be relieved to be home, but walking through the front door I found Banton’s absence was everywhere. The house was the thing that brought us together, and it was as if the structure was in mourning as well as its inhabitants. Beau howled during the commotion of our arrival, and I spent a good deal of time holding and petting him, assuring him I wouldn’t leave him for quite a while. After what I figured was an acceptable amount of time to visit with everyone, I made my excuses, and retired upstairs to our bedroom with him close at my heels. I sank down into the down comforter and pulled it up over me. I just wanted to disappear into it and block the world and consciousness away.
After a while, I heard the bedroom door open and shut, and then felt the mattress give way on Banton’s side of the bed. I could smell Constance’s perfume, and I turned over to her tear-stained face.
“When I’m in here with you, I feel…I feel like I did when Ty and Banton were deployed, and we were just waiting for them to come back to us… when we’d both sleep in here, Everett babysitting us. I like that feeling, like we just rewound the clock.”
I pulled her into my chest and held her there. “I know. You are the one person besides John who understands how I feel. You are the one person who I can stand to share my feelings with. I just wish for your sake that wasn’t the case. I’m sorry. I feel like your grief for Ty is lost in all the commotion over the grief for Banton, and everyone’s concern for the babies,” I whispered into her hair as she cried into my
chest.
The babies chose that particular moment to try to change positions, and Constance got an elbow or knee in the side.
“Wow, I can’t believe they are that strong! That’s amazing!” She giggled through her tears. “The way they fight in there, it’s just got to be twin boys. Oh, boy, they’ll probably be just like Cade and Drew! What did you possibly do in a former life to deserve that?” She laughed again and wiped her eyes.
I just sighed and placed both hands across my large tummy, feeling the babies kick as they rolled inside. I couldn’t wait for their arrival; the babies would be a place to channel all the love I had for Banton, which I couldn’t give to him now.
“Knock knock, can I come in?” A voice came through the doorway.
“Yes, it’s open,” Constance called out. The door opened and John’s face appeared.
“I just wanted to check on you two, and to see if Andie was sleeping.” He crossed the room silently, and then sat down on the bed beside me.
“I was just resting. I can’t sleep. I close my eyes, but I can’t go to sleep,” I lay watching Constance as I spoke to John; she just nodded, apparently having the same problem I had.
“So, what was all the giggling I just heard before I came in?” he asked, stretching out beside me.
“This.” Constance grabbed his hand, and placed it against my tummy. The twins picked that exact moment to tumble around again, and he pulled his hand away slightly as he jumped and then grinned.
“Wow, that’s amazing! Do they do that a lot? No wonder you can’t sleep.” He grinned as he watched my reaction.
“Yeah, they are pretty active the last few days. I imagine they are getting pretty cramped in there. Dr. Renault says according to the sonogram, the biggest one weighs about four pounds already, and by his calculations, if they continue to gain at this rate, they will be almost seven pounds each by the due date.”
“That’s really big, for twins, isn’t it?” Constance asked, and I nodded.
“Doc thinks he might need to take them early, I think he’s afraid you might pop!” John said.
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