“I just feel like I need your permission,” I started.
“Oh, pishhhhaw. You go ahead. I told you the story for that very reason. You needed the information to be able to fill the holes in for your story,” he stated.
“But some of it is so intimate, but it would be hard to tell, without…and what about the Aldon thing? I can’t,” I stopped and watched his reaction.
“You go ahead, and write it smack out of your little head. Be passionate. Tell it in your own beautiful, mesmerizing style. Let me be the judge after you’ve written it. We can come up with some middle editing ground together. Just write it!” he commanded as he bent over to place a kiss on my head. He straightened and then became serious.
“You know, Bebe…someone once said of a writer, ‘You have the power to say at any time, ‘This is not how my story is going to end,’ and I want you to bring that chapter of my life to a close. It will help me come to terms with it after all of these years. I think it will help you too,” he finished as I nodded slowly.
All of the raw emotion was still fresh in my head. I wrote the story down he’d laid out for me earlier in the day, and my own emotions got the best of me. I typed and cried, and then typed and cried some more. I’d felt his raw passion, his despair, the devastation he’d felt when he lost Marie. I glanced around the room, wondering for the first time which bedroom had been hers and Hiriam’s. I wondered which one was to have been her own babies’ nursery, and if the babies had been conceived right here in this house. I placed the laptop beside me, and gazed out the window into the cloudy afternoon sky. Soon the storm clouds began to darken and thunder rolled in the distance. I wondered aloud, “I wonder if they were as in love as Banton and I when the babies were conceived.”
“Wonder if who was as in love as you and Banton?” John asked, entering through the open bedroom door.
“Oh, hey, John,” I greeted him as I pushed up in bed.
“Andie-girl, don’t get up, stay there.” He crossed the room and sat down on the bed beside me.
“I was just wondering about the couple who built this house during the Civil War. I found her grave in the cemetery down the road, you know,” I informed him as he took my hand and rubbed it between his.
“No, I didn’t know that,” he answered, studying me.
“She died as she was having twins. The twin baby girls are buried beside her,” I finished sadly. “I’d just never thought about it before, about her living here with her new husband, and the war breaking out and all. I just wondered which room was hers,” I finished.
“No wonder this place seems haunted at times. It has every right to be.” He brushed the hair back away from my eyes.
“So what brings you up here? I thought Everett and Mr. Philippe had babysitting duties this week,” I joked.
“I don’t consider this a duty, Andie. I love spending time with you,” he declared solemnly.
“I know, I was just kidding. I feel the same way about you.”
We sat for several minutes; the only sound intruding on the moment was the click-tock-tick from the clock on my nightstand. I watched as he made circles on the back of my hand with his thumb, and then he cleared his throat.
“Umhum…Andie, there is something I need to give you, to tell you,” he finally offered.
“John, what is it? You can tell me,” I urged him.
“Sweetheart, it’s about Banton. Singleton called me this morning, and the Navy has officially closed the search. They’ve given up on finding our three boys.”
“Oh.” I was determined to stay calm at the news and maintain a casual demeanor, like it had no bearing on how I felt. Inside, the strings that held my heart connected to my head had just splintered into a million pieces. The transition was almost complete, the detachment to help me not to feel...my defense mechanism of old.
“Chandler, did you hear me?” John asked gently.
“Yes.”
“I think we have to face facts. I don’t think he’s coming back to us.”
I continued to watch him caress the back of my hand, not wanting to raise my eyes to his. Once I did, I would be giving in.
“Andie-girl, Banton made me promise to give you this, if anything were ever to happen to him. He gave it to me the morning he left. I’ve kept it, but now I think it’s time you read it. I’m going to leave it here, and leave you alone for a bit.” He almost whispered as he let go of my hand. Leaning over, he pressed his lips firmly to my forehead and then left the room. I sat for a long time, not wanting to raise my eyes. I took a deep breath, and finally gazed upon the small white envelope with Banton’s handwriting…the last thing he would ever write to me. I picked it up with trembling hands, and opened it slowly, folding the paper out gently that held his beautiful handwriting.
Andie…
If you are reading this, things must be pretty bad. I’ve given this letter to John, in case anything was to ever happen to me. Chandler, I never, ever imagined I could love someone as much as I love you. You are everything to me, and I can’t imagine ever being separated from you. I can feel your love, even across the miles when we are apart. So I know, no matter where I go, no matter what happens that my love will stay with you. I’m a part of you, and you are a part of me.
I wanted to put pen to paper, and give you a forever record of just how I fell in love with you. I’ve never told you, and I’m sorry. I always had the feeling like there was someone missing, that there was someone I was supposed to love, that there was a missing piece. That feeling stopped, ceased to exist when you opened your front door the night Beau went missing. You smiled at me, and I melted. It was the way you looked so innocent, your hair curling around your neck glistening with sweat, your curvy little figure lost in the baggy sweats, the obvious way you were throwing yourself into your new house.
I couldn’t breathe. I followed you down that hallway, totally mesmerized by you. As we talked, I began to form a plan, a plan to see you again. When you gave me an opening about not having any friends to help you renovate, I had my plan, and I couldn’t wait to get back to John to enlist his help. As you shut the front door when we parted, my heart ripped apart. I almost made up an emergency, so I could come back, some ruse I could concoct to make you let me stay with you, to protect you. I knew there were Orcos around your house, and I couldn’t stand the thought of leaving you unprotected. I never slept that night or the next, and I ended up out in my pickup watching your house.
I don’t know if you remember, but something woke you in the early morning hours, and you flipped the lights on in the foyer. It took every ounce of strength I had not to come running down that sidewalk to check on you. You told me later you’d had a bad dream, and imagined noises. I knew exactly the time it happened, for I was watching over you. I loved you, even then.
Every minute I spent with you I fell deeper and deeper in love. Our first kiss, the night you told me about your parents, I almost couldn’t control myself. I was so afraid I’d frightened you off, that you might not want me since I was so much older. Then the night Beau was bitten by the snakes and I sensed you were angry with me, my heart broke in two pieces. I confronted you, and when I realized you were upset, that you wanted a relationship with me and thought I was involved with someone else, my heart soared! I sat down and planned out how to take things slowly, to make sure you would fall in love with me, too. And my life began, truly began, when we kissed under our tree, and you told me you loved me. I knew at that moment, somehow I had to marry you and to spend the rest of my life with you.
I was the happiest man alive when I found you in the tunnels. And when the doctor said “and so is the baby’s…” in the emergency room, the whole world became silent. You became my whole universe at that moment. I know you will give our babies all of the love we wanted to give them, together.
Chandler Ann, you are my soul mate. My love, the mother of my children. I’m so sorry I have failed you…I know I have, if you are reading this. Please know this, my love for yo
u will never die, my love will have to go on, across any barrier, from this life to the next. I want you to be happy, sweetheart.
My love is yours, forever and for always.
Banton.
I lay for hours, holding his precious note in my hands. As the last of the rain cleared and the clouds parted, afternoon sunlight began to fade across the floor in my room. A faint knock at the door brought me back to the present.
“Come in,” I called out, not even turning my head.
“Andie-girl, are you awake?” John asked, crossing the room to the bed.
“Yeah, I’m awake.”
He sat down slowly, and then I felt his hand rest gently on my back, and then down my arm. I turned over slowly to face him as he reached to wipe the tears from under my eyes.
“I’m sorry. I was torn between wanting to give you his letter, and wanting to keep it from you a while longer,” he began.
“No, I’m glad you gave it to me, John. Thank you,” I whispered as I watched his eyes. I could tell by the way he looked at me, the depth of emotion his eyes held, he’d accepted Banton’s disappearance as final.
“But you still don’t think,”
“No. I don’t,” I answered quickly but firmly. He nodded quickly, reaching down and pulling me up into his arms. I lay my head against his chest and could hear the rapid beating of his heart. He tightened his arms around me, and I felt safe for the first time in a long time. I released my breath as I slid my arms around his waist. He lay his cheek over on top of my head, and then placed his lips in my hair, kissing the top of my head, just like Banton used to do, I thought. I pulled away, and he looked down at me with a puzzled expression.
“What is it, Andie?”
“This…I’m…I guess I’m just tired.” How could I possibly admit to him it felt good for him to hold me? That I felt lonely…that our closeness felt like it was morphing into something else? I wasn’t ready for that yet. I wasn’t ready for anyone to hold me like Banton did.
“Let me hold you, please?” he asked, reading my thoughts as he pulled me back over into his arms. Sliding his hand into my hair, he pulled my face to his neck, holding me tightly as my shoulders began to shake with sobs. It seemed he was determined to make me let go.
“It’s all right to cry, Sweetheart. Shhh, I’m here, and I’m not leaving you,” he murmured as he continued to stroke my hair. A heavy sense of guilt enveloped me when I relaxed in his arms, letting sleep overtake my tears once again. I’d held my eyes open as long as I could…my eyelids felt as if someone had weighted them with fishing line. Sleep was the last thing I wanted to do, for somehow I sensed my dream would return. I finally gave in…thinking as everyone does, if I just closed my eyes for a minute and rested them, I would be all right. When I finally drifted, my last thoughts were filled with Banton’s silky voice.
“You know that place between sleep and awake…the place where you can still remember dreaming? That’s where I’ll always love you. That’s where I’ll always be waiting,” he whispered.
I ran as fast as my legs would carry me. In daylight, with the sun streaming over the open field, one would think that it was a cheery, hopeful place, free of threat or worry. But my heart was pounding, and I felt vulnerable. I was supposed to have my babies, but I couldn’t find them. I could hear their faint cries somewhere in the deep grass…but where? I pushed on, searching through the tall fronds and reeds swaying in the breeze.
“Hurry, Chile, afore he gits here to hurt you,” I heard Mr. Jackson call from behind me. “You gots to find dem babies quick,” he warned.
“Where? I can’t find them,” I called out frantically. I kept searching, my legs getting heavier and heavier. It seemed I kept searching over and over again in the same spots, finding nothing. The sun overhead became unbearable, and the babies cried harder and harder as though they were in pain.
“Help me! Help me find them,” I screamed as I heard my mother’s voice.
“Chandler, Calm down. Look for them, they are here,” she called out from somewhere behind me. I pushed on as the rank smell in the air caught my attention.
“Miss Chandler, dem Loogaroo, dey is here! You got’s to find dem babies!”
I was on my hands and knees, crawling now. Just as I was about to reach them, rough hands drew me up, squeezing the air from my lungs.
“Here she is, right where I want her,” The Tariq from my dreams stood over me, crushing me into his chest. I looked down, my babies lay at his feet.
I pushed against him, beating him with my fists.
“Let me have them,” I screamed as he dropped me to the ground. I fought to pick the babies up before he could get to them. I cried out in frustration. I could hear Mr. Jackson and my mother, but I couldn’t see them. Why weren’t they helping me?”
“You’ve got to have faith, Miss Chandler. You’ve got to draw on yo love…You gots to accept it.”
“What? I do have faith…I do,” I sobbed out. I pulled at the babies, drawing them up into my arms. As I clutched them to me, sitting at the Orco’s feet, I murmured, “Please, God, help me! Banton, I’m so alone! Where are you?”
The Orco laughed, pulling his hand back as if to strike at all of us. I knew he would kill the babies, and I was frozen, unable to move.
And then I heard him.
“Andie, look out!” Banton’s voice called out. He dove from behind me toward the Tariq. I watched, mesmerized while he fought the assailant who haunted my dreams. Banton strained against him, trying to get the upper hand. As he changed his grip, moving the Orco around his body, he had the creature in a head-lock.
“You’ve hurt my wife for the last time. You’ll not hurt her again! I’m sending you back to hell, where you belong, where the evil belongs,” Banton ground out through his teeth as he snapped the Tariq’s neck. As he fell, Banton placed his boot on the Orco’s chest, pulling his torso apart and dismembering the horrible creature in one swift motion.
I sensed my mother and Mr. Jackson at my side, helping me by taking the babies from me. I rose and ran to Banton.
He held me at arms’ length, and cupped my cheek with his hand as he spoke. “Chandler, you are safe now. You and the babies are safe. He’ll never hurt you again, I will see to it. You mean the world to me. You are safe and forever loved. Chandler Ann, you were right, I feel your love across the miles…across time. All my life, my love …forever,” he whispered as I turned my face to kiss his palm. And then he was gone.
I opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling in my bedroom.
Banton had appeared in my dream and killed my night stalker. Banton was in my dream with my mother and Mr. Jackson. Banton was gone.
The tears began to slide down my cheeks, and I began to sob, the ache in my chest growing with each passing moment.
Banton was in my dream. Banton was dead.
“No! Why, God? Why? Banton, No! No!”
My chest heaved as I tried to drink in large gulps of air, then releasing it in violent bursts. “Banton!” My screams vibrated across the room, shaking the window pane.
The door swung wide open as John entered in a panic.
“Andie-girl, what’s wrong? What happened?” he asked as he crossed the room, frantically searching me for injuries.
I shook my head at him disbelievingly, just like I’d just received word of Banton’s death. I took a deep breath, and then let it out as I responded, “Banton…he’s gone, isn’t he? He is dead. I know it, he’s dead.”
John sat down gently on my side of the bed. “Andie,…Shhh, it’s okay. Sweetheart, I’m so sorry. But what’s changed your mind?” He stroked my cheek with his hand.
I raised my eyes to his. “I know because Banton just woke me from my dream. He was there…and he told me everything was over, and the babies and I would be safe now. He’d seen to it, and he killed the Tariq once and for all,” I whispered
“And why…” John began.
“Why do I…finally accept he’s dead? Because he came to me in
my dream. No one living has ever been in my dreams. Mr. Jackson came into my dream the night after he died. Banton…” My voice broke on his name. “Banton’s gone, John. I know it in my heart, now.” The tears finally flowed, and my shoulders shook with the sobs. “I want to die, too.”
“Oh, Andie, come here. Come here, sweetheart.” He pulled me into his arms, and held me against his chest. “I know, I miss him too,” he whispered as the tears rolled down his cheeks and into my hair.
“How can I ever feel happy again? I can’t stand this, to know I had a perfect love, a perfect life, for one brief moment…then I had it taken away. I’m so grateful…that I even had him, had his love, for that long. I know you are the one person who understands … who knows what I feel.” I looked up into his eyes, and I knew we both shared the same kind of loss.
“I’m just glad you will have the babies. You will always have a part of him. I know you are scared, but I’ll always be here for you. You won’t raise them alone, I promise you.” He pulled my face back up with both his hands and wiped the tears from my eyes with his thumbs.
He pulled me in close and held me. I could hear the beating of his heart, and I felt so peaceful. “There is life beyond this grief. I know there is, for both of us,” he said softly.
“I just can’t imagine there would ever been anyone who could love me like he did. So completely, like I was his whole world,” I whispered as I lay my head over on his shoulder.
“Andie?” John asked softly as he caressed my back.
I turned my head to look up at him, our faces only inches apart. His eyes bore into mine.
“I…I do love you like that,” he whispered, lowering his gaze to my lips. He angled his mouth slowly to mine and kissed me, barely touching my lips. I held my breath, shocked at his response and shocked at my own. As I opened my lips to him, his kiss became hungrier. I wrapped my arms around his neck, and he lowered his body down beside mine as he slid his hand over to rest on my abdomen. I wanted to throw myself into the kiss; it was as if every nerve in my body screamed out to feel his touch. I hesitated for one split second, and then remembering Brie, I pulled away and studied his face.
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