Give now. Somewhere, someone feels crappy. You can help.
GOT ANY MORE LEAVES IN THAT STALL?
Recently I came across a statistic published by the Population Reference Bureau in Washington. It stated that as of 1995 the number of people who had lived on earth was 105, 472, 380, 169. The figure was based on the assumption that “the first two people ” had emerged in 50, 000 B.C. So I did a little arithmetic of my own, and I’ve concluded that as of 1995 there had been over 987 trillion bowel movements. I was very conservative: I assumed a mere thirty-year life span and only six bowel movements per week. Still, it means that at this point there have been almost 1 quadrillion human bowel movements and most of them occurred before people had anything to read. These are the kinds of thoughts that kept me from moving quickly up the corporate ladder.
DEATH ROW
The story is that if you’re condemned to death they have to give you one last meal of your choice. What is that all about? A group of people plans to kill you, so they want you to eat something you like? Is it a joke? Do they think the food part will take your mind off the dying part? Or do they just prefer to kill you when you’re coming off a peak experience and full of positive energy?
I’m not sure what kind of sick game is going on, but what the hell, you might as well play along. Have a little fun; order a Happy Meal. Tell ’em you want to go to Hooter’s and eat on the patio.
Inform them you’ve converted to a religion that embraces cannibalism, and you’d like to eat a baby. With a small salad. I just think there’s great potential here for fun and mischief. In fact, I’m thinking that if you worked it just right you might even squeeze a little extra time out of them. Time to file a couple of hundred more frivolous appeals.
Because, as I understand it, they have to give you any meal you ask for. Not including elephant, of course. You can’t expect them to start on a whole new elephant for just one meal. But short of that, they have to give you pretty much what you want. It’s part of the humanity involved: “Let’s kill this fuck, but let’s be civil.”
So I say have a little fun; buy some time. When they ask what you want, tell them you can’t decide. That’s all there is to it. You can’t decide.
“Gee, I don’t know. I’m not sure if I want steak or lobster. I mean, I really love them both. I haven’t had lobster in quite a while, but on the other hand, I really love chicken. It’s my good luck food. And they’re both rich in protein. I just can’t figure it out.”
What can they do? Can they kill you under those circumstances? Can they go ahead and kill you if you honestly don’t know what you want for dinner? Tell them you’re willing to take a lie detector test and truth serum, but you honestly can’t decide. Can they kill you? Can they drag you down the last mile screaming, “Surf? Turf? I’m on the horns of a dilemma!” I think they’d have to give you a little more time.
Imagine if you kept it up for six months. Think of the headlines.
CONDEMNED MAN STILL ALIVE,
CAN’T DECIDE.
LEANS TOWARD LOBSTER.
Three years go by. Five. Seven. And then, finally, one morning you wake up, and it’s clear as a bell:
“All right, I’ve decided. And I don’t know why I didn’t think of this long ago. I’m going to have the lamb chops.”
“All right, lamb chops it is. And how did you want them cooked?”
“Geez, I hadn’t thought of that. Lemme see. How do I want them cooked? Listen, guys, can I get back to you?”
HUNGRY MAN EXECUTED.
DRAGGED DOWN LAST MILE
SCREAMING “MEDIUM!”
CURRENT EVENTS
Here’s a great idea. I think Texas should save up 500 condemned people and execute them all at once, in electric chairs. Five hundred electric chairs in a big gymnasium. Wouldn’t that be fun? I realize Texas prefers lethal injection, but maybe they could make an exception just this once. Or how about executing people five at a time on electric couches. That would be interesting. Put a coffee table in front of them with magazines and some chips and dip. It would be fun. Here’s another good idea. If a married couple kills their kid, they should be executed in an electric love seat. Force them to hug as you pull the switch.
THE UNKINDEST CUT
I don’t know about you, but I think O. J. got screwed. Double jeopardy is just plain wrong. Civil trial, my ass! It’s not fair. O. J. beat the system and he should be allowed to enjoy it. Geraldo and Charles Grodin don’t like O. J. Simpson. Geraldo and Charles Grodin deal in certitude. Guys like that almost always impress me.
I’m really glad O. J. beat the rap. Personally, I’d like to see him on TV again, doin’ commercials. There must be something he could do. Roach Motel. “They checks in, but they don’t checks out.” It would be fun. We need more fun. People get upset with all the wrong things.
Like these guys Jeffrey Dahmer and Timothy McVeigh. Right away everybody wants to kill them. Let me tell you, you don’t kill guys like that. That’s exactly what they want. You know what you do? You let them off with a warning. Just like a speeding ticket. Sometimes all a guy like that needs is a good talking-to. You sit him down, and you say, “Listen. Jeff. Nobody thinks you’re funny. Okay? No one is amused. So calm down and knock off the shit. Stop trying to draw attention to yourself. You eat one more person, and you’re in big trouble.”
A lot of these guys never hear that sort of thing. I think it would make them think twice before they cooked another person’s head and ate it. Don’t you?
Now, as to Timothy McVeigh, you’ve got a slightly different situation. After all, the guy’s a veteran, so you have to show him a little consideration. And don’t forget, it’s his first offense. So I say let him off with a warning. Throw a good scare into him: “Tim, one more trick like that, and it’s gonna mean a hefty fine.”
SMILE!
Camcorders are a good example of technology gone berserk. Everywhere you go now, you see some goofy fuck with a camcorder. Everyone’s taping everything. Doesn’t anybody stop and look at things anymore? Take them in? Maybe even…remember them? Is that such a strange idea? Does experience really have to be documented, brought home and saved on a shelf? And do people really watch this shit? Are their lives so bankrupt they sit at home watching things they already did?
These guys are so intense. And by the way, it’s always guys. They won’t let women touch the cameras; it’s a highly technical skill. Look through a hole, push on a button. Big fuckin’ skill. And they all think they’re Federico Fellini. Did you ever see them at the soccer games? With the low angles and all the zooms and pans? And it’s the same three ugly children in every shot. Same kids. Believe me, all the George Lucas magic in Hollywood is not going to change the unfortunate genetic configurations on the faces of these children. Do the world a favor, keep these unfortunate youngsters indoors, out of public view.
THE NOONTIME NEWS
In Rome today, Pope John Paul removed his little hat and revealed he has a small map of Tombstone, Arizona, tattooed on his head.
Out at the lake in City Park, police have arrested a one-armed man who was bothering the other boaters by continuously rowing in a circle.
Authorities say a severely disturbed geography teacher has shot and killed six people who did not know the capital of Scotland. He is still at large and they remind everyone the capital of Scotland is Edinburgh.
A man at a tool and die company died today when he was hit with a tool.
A Detroit couple is suing Campbell’s soups, claiming a bowl of alphabet soup spelled out an obscene message to their children. They state that at first the little letters floated around in a circle, and then they formed the words suck my noodle.
Millionaire clothing executive Dacron Polyester died in his sleep yesterday. It was not a peaceful death, however, as he dozed off while hang-gliding.
A large dog exploded on a downtown street corner this morning. No one was killed; however, several people were overcome by fur. Police estimate that more
than 600 fleas also lost their lives in the blast.
A woman in Montana was severely injured yesterday when she attempted to force-breast-feed a wolverine.
A man wearing a Have a Nice Day button was killed yesterday by a man who works at night.
The Centers for Disease Control has determined that the common cold is caused by a tall man who carries around a bag of germs.
Twenty-six people were killed this morning when two funeral processions collided. Police say the list of fatalities does not include the two people who were already dead.
The Mafia has killed an information clerk because he knew too much. His replacement, appointed today, says he has no further information.
In San Francisco, a baby has been born wearing sunglasses and holding a small can of peas.
A Milwaukee man has been arrested for the illegal use of food stamps. He was taken into custody while attempting to mail a bowl of chili to his sister.
The Bureau of Indian Affairs has announced they have located another Mohican. Accordingly, all the books are being recalled and will be changed to read: The Next to the Last of the Mohicans.
And finally, here’s a Halloween prank that backfired. It seems that little thirteen-year-old Danny Obolagotz thought it would be great fun to soap the windows of all the cars on his street. He had soaped seven of them and was starting to soap the eighth, not knowing that the owner of the car, Earl Fletcher, was seated inside. Fletcher shot Danny in the head four times.
THE PLANET IS FINE, THE PEOPLE ARE FUCKED
At some point, during every stage show I do, I take a sip of water and ask the audience, “How’s the water here?” I haven’t gotten a positive response yet. Not one. Last year I was in 100 different cities. Not one audience was able to give me a positive answer. Nobody trusts their water supply. Nobody.
And that amuses me. Because it means the system is beginning to collapse, beginning to break down. I enjoy chaos and disorder. Not just because they help me professionally; they’re also my hobby. I’m an entropy buff.
In high school, when I first heard of entropy, I was attracted to it immediately. They said that in nature all systems are breaking down, and I thought, What a wonderful thing; perhaps I can make some small contribution to this process, myself. And, of course, it’s not just true of nature, it’s true of society as well. If you look carefully, you can see that the social structure is just beginning to break down, just beginning to come apart at the seams.
The News Turns Me On
What I like about that is that it makes the news on television more exciting. I watch the news for only one thing: entertainment. That’s all I want. You know my favorite thing on television? Bad news. Accidents, disasters, catastrophes, explosions, fires. I wanna see shit being destroyed and bodies flyin’ around.
I’m not interested in the budget, I don’t care about tax negotiations, I don’t wanna know what country the pope is in. But show me a burning hospital with people on crutches jumpin’ off the roof, and I’m a happy guy. I wanna see a paint factory blowin’ up, an oil refinery explode, and a tornado hit a church on Sunday. I wanna be told there’s a guy runnin’ through the Kmart shooting at customers with an automatic weapon. I wanna see thousands of people in the street killing policemen; hear about a nuclear meltdown in a big city; find out the stock market dropped 4, 000 points in one day. I wanna see people under pressure!
Sirens, flames, smoke, bodies, graves being filled, parents weeping. My kinda TV! Exciting shit. I just want some entertainment! That’s the kind of guy I am. You know what I like most? Big chunks of steel, concrete and fiery wood falling out of the sky, and people running around trying to get out of the way. Exciting shit!
Fuck Pakistan!
At least I admit it. Most people won’t admit those feelings. Most people see somethin’ like that, they say, “Ohhhh, isn’t that awful?” Bullshit! Lyin’ asshole! You love it and you know it. Explosions are fun. And the closer the explosion is to your house, the more fun it is. Have you ever noticed that?
Sometimes an announcer comes on television and says, “Six thousand people were killed in an explosion today.” You say, “Where, where?” He says, “In Pakistan.” You say, “Aww, fuck Pakistan. Too far away to be fun.” But if he says it happened in your hometown, you say, “Whooa, hot shit, Dave! C’mon! Let’s go down and look at the bodies!”
I love bad news. Doesn’t bother me. The more bad news there is, the faster this system collapses. I’m glad the water sucks. You know what I do about it? I drink it! I fuckin’ drink it!
This Is One Bad Species
You see, I’m not one of those people who worries about everything. Do you have people around you like that? The country’s full of ’em now. People walkin’ around all day, worried about everything. Worried about the air, the water, the soil, pesticides, food additives, carcinogens, radon, asbestos. Worried about saving endangered species.
Lemme tell you about endangered species. Saving endangered species is just one more arrogant human attempt to control nature. That’s what got us in trouble in the first place. Interfering with nature. Meddling. Doesn’t anybody understand that?
Napalm & Silly Putty Page 9