I reached out for my chocolate milkshake and took a big swig. I now wished more than ever that it was a beer that I was drinking. Was Candice right? Did I have it in myself to let go of the past? Could I really be the father that Bobby needed? I thought of those bright green eyes looking up at me, that cute little face and the giggle that had escaped him when he’d caught sight of yet another tattoo on my body. My heart had ached like I had never felt it before. I sighed.
“You’re right. I can’t walk away from this.”
Chapter Six
Savannah
I sat in the garage wondering what to do with myself. Bobby was fast asleep, completely unaware of what was happening. I often wished I could be more like him. He didn’t seem to get fazed by anything in life. As far as he was concerned, as long as he was me, he was safe and happy. He probably figured I had everything all sorted out for him. He probably thought he was on vacation right now. More than likely, he was loving the change of scenery. Only I was worried. I still couldn’t believe that I had finally come clean with Axel. Trying to explain myself to him was the hardest moment of my life, and I could see how hurt he was. There was anger in his eyes as he looked at his son. I tried to explain that I had only done it to protect him, but he would not listen to me. He could barely look me in the eyes when I spoke.
Despite that, he’d helped me out with a place to stay, and for that, I would be eternally grateful. Although, I knew it wasn’t really his idea. His uncle had walked in and overheard some of the conversation. He’d taken one look at Bobby and invited me to stay with him until I sorted myself out. I’d said yes even though I knew it wasn’t the best idea. If anybody found out that I was there, I’d be in huge trouble. Of all the places that I could turn to, the home of XMC’s direct competition was probably not the wisest choice. I had no idea how involved Axel or his uncle were with the motorcycle club anymore, but I knew that wouldn’t matter to Duke. The feud between them ran deep and would not be easily forgiven. For years I had tried to believe in my father and believe in his club, but now I wasn’t sure why I'd bothered. My father would never have taken in someone from the other side. And, even though he hadn’t said anything, I was sure that Axel’s father knew more about who I was than he was letting on. I wondered if he would say anything to Axel, but I got the distinct impression he wasn’t that sort of guy. He’d help out, and he’d keep his distance. I was sure of it.
I looked around the room. It was nice to have a place to stay, but it made me feel like I had made some poor choices in my life. It made me suddenly ashamed of everything. When had things gone so hopelessly wrong for me? Why had I always allowed other people to dictate my life? It was time to change all of that and to take matters into my own hands. But how? Where did I even begin? And, now that I was out of the club, how was I going to look after Bobby? I barely had enough money to look after myself. I’d looked at my bank balance that morning. I had enough to get by for a few months, but it was not enough to make a living out of. I saw Bobby stirring and went to see him.
“Hey, my boy. Did you sleep well?”
He smiled. “Yes. I had the funniest dream.”
I smiled back. It was impossible not to feel happy when he smiled at me. “You did? Tell me all about it.” Bobby had the most impressive imagination. I was sure that he was going to grow up to be an artist or writer, or something in the creative field. He woke up almost every morning with tales of his dreams. He had told me once that it was why he loved going to sleep so much: because he always knew that he was in for an adventure.
“I had a dream that my body was covered in totos.”
“In what?”
“Totos,” he said again.
“What are those?”
He giggled. “You know, those colorful things that people put on their arms.”
I laughed. “Oh, you mean tattoos.”
“Tattoos. Yes, that’s what I said. I had them all over. Red, blue, green, black. You couldn’t even see my skin anymore. It was so funny. I was laughing and laughing when I looked at my skin. And I turned into the toto monster.”
“Ooh, were you a good monster or a bad one?”
“A good one of course. I am always the good monster. And sometimes I defeat the bad ones. But I used to eat all the crayons. That was how I got all the marks. When I ate a yellow crayon, I would get a yellow drawing. When I ate a red crayon, I would get a red drawing. But everyone loved me.”
“Wow, that’s a cool story. I wish I could see what you looked like. What if you ran out of crayons?”
“I never ran out of crayons, silly. It’s a dream, remember? You can do whatever you want in a dream.” He looked at me as if I had lost my marbles.
I laughed. “Of course. I’m so silly. How could I forget? You can do whatever you want in a dream. That’s the best part of it all. Well, I’m going to call you the toto monster from now on.” I said. I liked that he’d reverted back to saying toto. It was incredibly cute. “Well, toto monster, would you like to go out and play for a bit?”
“Yes!”
“Okay. Well, let’s go sit on the patch of grass outside, and you can play as much as you want. I’ll bring a ball.”
“Are you coming too?” he asked.
“Of course,” I said. There was no way I was letting him out of my sight in a place I didn’t know well. “I’ll come and get a little bit of sun. It will be nice to sit outside for a while.” I really had nothing else to do with my day. Axel said he would come around to see me once he had fully digested what I had told him. I had no idea how long that would be. Hours? Days? Weeks? I didn’t know what to do with myself. But, then again, I couldn’t really get upset. I had left him for six years.
But, it wasn’t a few years of waiting. Axel pulled up about half an hour later on a beautiful bike. Even though I didn’t race anymore, I still admired bikes like I used to. Maybe even more now that I wasn’t as involved with them. I saw Bobby’s face light up as he rushed towards the bike.
“Careful, Bobby,” I yelled. But Bobby had taken an instant liking to Axel and had rushed up to him without any sort of trepidation or fear.
“Guess what?” Bobby said to him. “I’m a toto monster!”
Axel laughed. “A what?”
“A toto monster!”
“Ooh, are you scary?”
“No! I eat crayons.”
“Oh, that’s my favorite thing to eat.”
“Really?” Bobby said. “Is that how you got all your totos too?”
Axel frowned. I chuckled at the exchange. He clearly had no idea what Bobby was talking about. I got up and smiled at him.
“He’s referring to your tattoos,” I said to Axel. “He had a dream that he was covered in them. He got them by eating crayons.”
Axel chuckled and looked back down at Bobby. “Wow, that’s some imagination you have there, kid.”
“It was a dream. Do you dream too?”
“All the time. I love dreaming.”
“Me too!” Bobby said to his new best friend. “It’s like going on an adventure. Mom says it’s like reading a book. But I’m not sure why.”
Axel looked up at me. Our eyes locked and I gulped. I felt so nervous around him. “Your mommy is right. It’s just like reading a book. And adventures are the best!”
“You’re cool.”
“Thank you, Bobby. That’s nice of you to say. I think you’re pretty cool too.”
They talked a little more, and then Bobby went to admire the bike. Axel walked up to me, and I realized that I had been holding my breath. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I kept wiping my hands on my jeans. It wasn’t even such a hot day, but my palms felt sweaty.
“Good day?” I said just so that I could fill their air with something other than silence. It was easy when Bobby was around. I could use him as a distraction. Without him, I felt at a complete loss for words.
He nodded. “It was fine. How about you?”
“Good. Thank you again for helping out.
I . . .”
“It’s fine.”
I gulped. “Uh, look, Axel. I just want to say how sorry I am again about all of this. I know this was a huge surprise.”
He put his hand up as if to say he didn’t want to hear more. Again, I saw that he wasn't looking at me in the eye. He looked down at his feet, and then back out at Bobby.
“I don’t know what’s going on with you, and I don’t know why you never told me about Bobby. I have a million emotions running through my head right now. But he seems like such a nice kid, and I completely believe that he’s mine. I mean, look at him. It’s obvious.”
I looked over at Bobby and nodded. Bobby looked so much like Axel; it wouldn’t take a genius to figure it out. I was wondering if he was going to demand a paternity test, but I knew that just taking one look at Bobby would give him all the answers he was looking for.
“Yeah,” I said. “He looks just like you.”
“I don’t know what to do, but I do know that I want to be there for him, no matter what that means. So, for now, I’d like the two of you to come and live with me. I’ll make some space for both of you. I’d like to at least get to know the kid.”
I was shocked. That was the last thing that I expected him to say. Even though his uncle had helped me out, I still thought that Axel was going to tell me to leave.
“Thank you. Thank you so much. I cannot tell you how grateful I am to you.”
He nodded and shifted uncomfortably from side to side.
“Well, I’m going to go. I have stuff to do. I’ll come around tomorrow to get your stuff. I’ll let Pop know too. I . . . uh . . . well, see you later,” he stuttered and walked to the car. I watched as she ruffled Bobby’s hair and then hopped onto his bike. Then, just before riding off, he called out to me. “This does not mean that I’ve forgiven you, Savannah. To be honest, I’m not sure I ever will.”
He rode off, and the weight of his words hit me like a brick. I sat down, put my face in my hands and sobbed. I had been wanting to cry since I’d arrived, but I had been trying so hard to stay strong for Bobby. I looked up in shock as I realized I was now crying with him right in front of me. Bobby was standing next to me, his eyes wide in concern.
“What’s wrong, Mommy?” he asked.
I wiped away my tears and forced myself to smile. “Nothing is wrong, my darling. I’m just tired.”
He nodded. “I also sometimes get sad when I haven’t slept.”
I chuckled. “Well, maybe I’ll go on an adventure tonight.”
“Maybe you’ll meet the toto monster!”
“I sure hope so,” I said and kissed him on the top of his head. No matter what happened in life, no matter what poor decisions I had made, I still had Bobby, and for that, I was still the luckiest woman alive.
Chapter Seven
Axel
I wasn’t sure if I had done the right thing by inviting Savannah and Bobby to live with me. Ever since I’d bought the house, I’d never had anyone live with me for longer than a few days. And they were always old friends who needed a place to crash. A girl had never stayed with me, certainly not one that I’d slept with. Savannah wasn’t just any girl. She wasn’t an ex-girlfriend, but she had more of a hold on me than anyone in my life. She had my son. I just hoped I wasn’t making the biggest mistake of my life. But how I could just ignore her? I thought of asking Pop to keep her, but I felt too bad. Pop would do it, too. He was just that sort of guy. But he’d already done so much for me over the years, and I didn’t want to be a burden to him.
I pulled up to Pop’s house where Savannah was waiting for me with a suitcase. Bobby was standing next to her holding her hand and chattering away. I couldn’t help but smile when I saw him. He was a charmer, that was for sure. I climbed out the car and smiled at them.
“How’s the toto monster today?” I said, and Bobby giggled.
“He’s full of blue crayons.”
I laughed. “Oh dear.” I looked at Savannah and smiled nervously at her. “Uh, is that all you have?” I asked.
She sighed. “No, my stuff is . . . uh . . . it’s where I used to stay. I sort of left without saying anything.”
I nodded. Clearly, there was a lot more to Savannah’s life than she had told me about.
“Well, how about I come with you to get it?”
“I’d like that.”
We hopped into the car, and she told me where to go. I frowned at the mention of XMC. I knew the club well. I hadn’t had any personal dealings with them, but plenty of members of my family and other members of the motorcycle club had experienced issues with them in the past. It wasn’t exactly a big secret that the two clubs were rivals. I’d never quite understood it myself, but I’d never really wanted to know more. I had no intention of getting involved with the outlaw club or creating more bad blood between them and us. I didn’t say much to Savannah as we drove to the club, but it made me wonder if this was the reason why she had waited so long to contact me. Had she always known that I was a part of their rival club? And why was she so involved in a club that was notorious for being bad news? I hoped she’d tell me one day, but for now, I didn’t see a reason to ask her. She’d tell me in her own time.
What was more worrying to me was how nervous she was on the drive there. She had left without saying anything, which meant things were not smooth sailing. Had she fled the club? Or someone in the club? When we arrived, she got out the car and told me that I didn’t have to come with.
“Are you kidding me? I’m coming in,” I said.
“Uh, are you sure? I don’t mind going in with Bobby.”
“I’m coming in.”
She nodded and didn’t argue anymore with me, and I was sure that I could detect relief on her face. She wanted me to come in with her. Something about the place frightened her, I was sure of it. As we entered the club, I was aware of just how different it was to the club I was used to. The whole set was different, and it was clear that their philosophy was not the same at all. They were outlaws for a reason, that was for sure. We made our way to one of the far rooms, and I helped Savannah gather all her things. I was surprised at how little she owned. Bobby had more things than her. She was happy to leave a lot of her things behind and said that it was more important to her that Bobby got everything he wanted.
I watched Bobby as he packed his things. I was surprised at how calm he was to be leaving a place he had once called home. I had a feeling that he didn’t care where he was as long as he was with his mother. There was something very sweet about that. We made several trips to the car and filled it to the brim. Then we did one more walk around and headed out. We’d obviously attracted a lot of attention while we had been there because of lot of men had shown up to watch us. I felt nervous, but I tried not to look any of them in the eye. One of the guys came up to Savannah and glared at her.
“What the hell is going on?” he boomed.
Savannah looked scared, but she held her ground. “I’m moving out.”
“With him?” the man said.
“Yes. He’s my friend.”
The man immediately put my hackles up. He made me uncomfortable in a way that I hadn’t felt before, but I wasn’t sure if it was just because of the way he was speaking to Savannah. He towered over her and talked to her in a vile and disgusting way. I was glad that Bobby was out by the car and hadn’t heard any of it. I walked up to Savannah and took her hand, and the two of us walked away. I half expected the man to run after us, but thankfully he just watched us go. When we were all safe inside the car, I turned to look at Savannah.
“He was nice,” I said.
She sighed. “Yeah. Duke’s a charming man.” I waited for her to say something else, but she went quiet again, so I didn’t ask her.
We drove in silence. Even Bobby didn’t say anything, so he must’ve picked up that something was wrong. But when I stopped the car, he looked out and gasped.
“Wow. Is this your house?”
I smiled. “Yeah. It’s nothin
g special, but it’s all mine.”
“It’s so cool.”
We stepped out the car, and I looked at my house as it might’ve looked to a six-year-old. It wasn’t a huge house, but it was a very interesting looking house. I’d chosen it just for that reason. He was right. It was a cool house. We took in all the boxes and then I took them all for a tour of the place. I had a room already planned for Bobby, small but nice. He was excited.
“Really? I get my own room?”
I looked at Savannah then and realized that I had never asked her if that was okay. I had forgotten that Bobby had never had his own room. He’d lived with his mother at the club his whole life. But thankfully she was smiling and looked incredibly grateful.
“Say thank you, Bobby.”
“Thank you!” he said and came up to give me a huge hug. “Where’s Mommy going to stay?”
“Uh, well, I don’t actually have another room up here for her, but the basement is all set up for someone to stay. If that’s okay?”
“I don’t mind where I stay,” she said, and I could see she meant it.
I took her down to the basement and showed her the space. It was a big room, which even had its own bathroom. The house had come like that, and I’d really liked the idea of the extra room in case anyone stayed over. It was much more private than staying in the house itself. I looked at Savannah and saw her looking at the room. I wondered if she was going to complain, but when she looked at me, I saw that her big eyes were wet and close to tears.
“Thank you, this is amazing. I really appreciate all that you’ve done for me.”
“Ah, it’s nothing,” I said and shuffled uncomfortably. I had to keep reminding myself that I was upset with her. She was such a hard person to be mad at. I gulped and told myself that she’d taken six years away from me. Do this for Bobby, not her, I told myself.
I helped move the boxes to the basement and to Bobby’s room, which took some time. Then I showed them all the kitchen and told them to help themselves to anything.
“I’ll make a list of all the things you like soon and make sure I get them. But for now, you’ll have to just have what I’ve got. Oh, but I do have a chocolate milkshake if you’d like, Bobby?” I said as I thought of the leftover milkshake I’d bought when Candice and Dominic were there.
Dirty Secret Baby Page 4