Dirty Secret Baby

by Alycia Taylor

  I laughed. “I wasn’t calm at all. I was just putting on a brave face for him. Trust me; calm was the last thing on my mind. I’m just glad I could come out with good news. I almost hugged the nurse when she told me that everything was fine. Come on, let’s sit down.”

  “Want some coffee? I’m not sure how long we’re going to be waiting for.”

  “Sounds good.”

  “Wait here; I’ll go get us some.”

  I took a seat and waited for Axel to return. The moment I was alone, I felt all the memories of my own labor come back to me. It was an overwhelming feeling, and suddenly every detail of the day came back to me. Six years had gone by, but I could still remember it all so clearly. I had been so terrified at the time, but I’d gotten through it. It was amazing how quickly I felt like a mother, even though I had known nothing about what it would be like. Instincts had just kicked in from the moment I stepped inside that hospital. Axel came back with the coffee and handed it to me. He wasn’t saying anything, but I could see that something was on his mind.

  “Are you okay?” I asked him.

  He nodded. “Yeah. I’m fine. I’m just . . . well, I just can’t help thinking that you did all of this when you had Bobby. I guess I haven’t thought about the actual birth until now. Now that we’re here, it’s all that I can think about. It’s strange to think that you did it all alone.”

  “I know,” I said. “I was thinking the same thing myself. All the memories came back to me now. I’ve just been sitting here thinking about it all. It was such a long time ago, and yet in some respects, it feels like it was yesterday. I remember it all.”

  “I’m sorry that I wasn’t there for you. I hate to think that you didn’t have anyone.”

  I sighed and shook my head. “You shouldn’t say sorry. You didn’t even know. I’m the one who made that decision. I should be the one saying sorry to you. I wish you had been there.”

  “How was it?” he asked. “Tell me it was okay.”

  “It was okay. I was lucky. It went pretty quickly for me. I was scared, but that was only natural, and I was lucky enough not to have had any complications. I had my father there, so that helped. He was never very happy about the fact that I chose to bring up Bobby alone. But he was there for me when I needed him to be. My father chose the wrong path in so many aspects of his life, and I didn’t agree with so many of the things that he did. But he was there for me. I have to give him credit for that. And he sure did love Bobby.”

  “Who wouldn’t love Bobby?” Axel said.

  I smiled at him. Suddenly the weight of what I’d done came crashing down on me. I had taken this moment away from Axel without even giving him the option. I hadn’t realized what a big deal that was until this moment. Seeing Dominic pacing in worry as he waited on news of Candice made me see just how much I'd needed Axel at that time, and how I'd deprived him of some of the milestones of fatherhood.

  “Axel, I’m sorry. I . . . I regret my decision not to tell you. I shouldn’t have taken that away from you. I will never forgive myself for that. I know that there is nothing that I can do to make it better or to give you that moment back. But I want you to know that looking back now I realize that it was a big mistake. I thought I was doing the right thing, but it wasn’t fair that I took that away from you. For that, I will always be sorry. Always.”

  Axel didn’t say anything. Instead, he reached out and took my hand. And that’s how we sat for the next hour, lost in our own thoughts and holding hands. I had so many regrets, and I knew those would never go away. I also knew that I had only done what I had done to protect all those around me. It might not have been the best choice, but it was the only choice I had at the time.

  Pop showed up, with Bobby in tow, and I smiled at the sight of them. Bobby rushed over to me full of excitement. The smile on his face was so big.

  “Is Candice really going to have a baby? That’s what Pop said. Is it true?” he said. “Like a real baby? Not just a play one?”

  I laughed. “Yes. She’s going to have a real baby.”

  “Wow.” Even though I had told Bobby how babies come out, he still found the whole thing fascinating. I didn’t blame him. It really was fascinating. Bobby hadn’t been around many babies so this was all new to him. I was glad that Pop had bought him with so that he could experience it all. He couldn’t stop moving. I chuckled as I watched him hop from one foot to the other.

  “Have you heard anything?” Pop asked.

  I was just about to say something when Dominic walked out. He had a huge grin on his face, and I knew that everything was going to be fine. Relief washed over me. Even though the nurse had told me that things were okay, I was still worried. Anything could go wrong. But it was clear by the look on Dominic’s face that everything was fine.

  “Uncle Dominic,” Bobby exclaimed. “Is there really a baby coming out of Candice’s stomach?”

  He laughed. “There sure is. The most beautiful baby I have ever seen in my whole life. And you are all invited to come and meet her.”

  “Her?” I said, and my voice caught in my throat. My emotions took me by surprise.

  “Yeah, come on in and meet our new little girl, Stacy.”

  We all walked in together and found Candice sitting up with the most beautiful and perfect little girl in her hands. I had been excited for Candice, and nervous for them, but I had no idea that I would be affected by it as much as this. The moment I saw the baby in her arms, I was rocked by a deep desire for another child. A desire I didn’t even know I had until that very moment. And when Candice said I could hold the baby, I had to do everything in my power not to burst into tears.

  “Oh, hello there, little Stacy. Oh, your father is right. You really are the most beautiful girl in the whole world.”

  Chapter Fifteen

  Axel

  I had no idea that I would get so emotional when Dominic and Candice had their child. I wondered if I would’ve felt this way had Savannah not come back into my life. Probably not. Savannah had changed everything for me. Sometimes that made me happy, other times I felt angry. Right there, at the hospital, I was experiencing a rollercoaster of emotions. I rocked between them so much that it was hard to get a grip on reality. I had to keep reminding myself that this had nothing to do with me. This was Dominic and Candice’s moment. If I thought about it too much, I was worried I would cry. And I was not a crying sort of man. Especially not in front of other people.

  I was angry when I found out that I had missed the first six years of Bobby’s life. But, over time I had stopped feeling angry. Instead, I was just happy that he was in my life now. But being there for the birth of Stacy had transported me right back to that feeling all over. What would it have been like to have been there to see Bobby for the very first time? What had he looked like when he opened his eyes and saw the world? How would it have felt to have him in my arms? How did Savannah feel going through it all by herself? These were things that I would never know. I didn’t want to feel angry with Savannah, but sometimes it was just impossible not to. She had taken these moments away from me. I reminded myself that she’d only done what she thought was right for herself and Bobby. She wasn’t trying to be selfish or take him away from me. She thought it was the right thing to do, to protect him. Of course, she was wrong, but she knew that now and she had apologized. It was too late to take things back or to change anything. I had to just accept it.

  I watched as Savannah held Stacy for the first time. I couldn’t figure out what was going through her mind but I could see that she looked emotional. I saw a pool of tears gather in the corner of her eyes and wondered what she was thinking. Was she thinking what I was thinking? Was that why she was avoiding my gaze? She looked like she didn’t want to let Stacy go. Then, she seemed to snap out of it, as if she suddenly realized where she was. She looked at me then, a small, sad smile playing on her lips, and asked me if I wanted to hold her.

  I laughed nervously. “Uh, I haven’t held a baby all that often,�
� I said. “I’m not exactly sure how to do it.”

  “It’s fine,” Dominic said. “I was nervous too. But little Stacy is a good one. She’s already super strong. Come on; I’ll take her and put her on your lap for you.”

  Dominic surprised me with the ease in which he picked his new baby up. He’d gone from nervous husband to proud father in a very short period of time. I sat down, and he placed Stacy on my lap. He showed me how to hold her so that I didn’t hurt her neck. I looked down at her little face. So small and perfect. Even though she wasn’t my own child the desire to protect her was so strong I wasn’t sure how to handle it. I wanted to make sure that nothing in the world would hurt her.

  “You’re a proud uncle,” Candice said.

  I looked up and grinned at her. “Oh, trust me. I’m going to make sure that nothing happens to her. And when it’s time for her to start dating, she has to get all the guys approved first by me. There is no way that anything will happen to this girl. Look at her, man; she’s so perfect.”

  “Can I touch her?” Bobby asked.

  I realized then that Bobby had been incredibly quiet and not at all like his usual overly confident self. I smiled at him. I wondered if Bobby knew how much I wished I had been there to experience this with him. He was looking at Stacy with huge saucer-like eyes.

  “Of course you can,” Dominic said.

  “I really like her. She’s so small,” Bobby said as he came forward to examine the baby. He seemed particularly pleased that he was now not the baby in the family. “Do you think she’ll like playing games?”

  I chuckled. “Oh yeah. I think she’ll love it.”

  “Good. Because I need someone to play with. I am going to give her all my books to read, and my toys to play with. And I’m going to show her how to make a blanket fort.”

  I smiled. “I think she’s going to be one very loved little girl.”

  “Pop, are you crying?” Bobby asked.

  We all looked up to see tears streaming down Pop’s face. He wiped them away and shook his head.

  “Nah, just something in my eye,” he said.

  “Looks like crying to me,” Bobby said, and we all laughed.

  “Only happy tears, my boy. Only happy ones.”

  We sat like that for a while, all taking turns to hold the baby. We were all cocooned in a cloud of happiness that had turned us into a pile of mush. It was nice. I was glad that Savannah had been there for all of this. It wouldn’t have been the same without her or Bobby by my side. We probably would’ve all stayed a lot longer if the nurse hadn’t come by to tell us that we had to leave. We kissed them all goodbye and made our way outside. Pop said he was going to wait at the hospital a bit longer in case Dominic or Candice needed anything from him. As we walked out the hospital, I looked at Bobby and Savannah and knew exactly what I wanted. I wanted us all to be a family. Up until then, I had been confused about how I wanted to move forward, but it suddenly seemed obvious to me. I wanted my family to be whole. I wanted to find a way to make this work. I looked at Savannah and Bobby and smiled.

  “How about we stop off at the shop to get some pizza bases? I was thinking we make our own toppings and have a pizza evening.”

  “YES!” Bobby said. “I love pizza.”

  Savannah chuckled. “Sounds like a wonderful idea. And let’s get some champagne. I feel like we need to celebrate a bit.”

  After we’d stopped off at the shop to get the ingredients, we made our way home, and everyone was in a good mood. Bobby could not stop talking about Stacy and had huge plans in store for when she was old enough to play with him. It was very sweet and impossible not to get swept up in his enthusiasm. He was such a happy boy. I wondered how different all this would’ve been if he hadn’t wanted to accept me as his father. The fact that he’d been so loving and that he’d wanted me in his life from the moment he saw me had made it all so much easier—and so much harder at the same time. It was impossible to walk away from someone like him. He was so much like his mother. She was a very difficult person to forget about.

  “Okay, what toppings do you want on your pizza, Bobby?” I asked from the kitchen.

  “Cereal.”

  I laughed. “Cereal? You can’t put cereal on your pizza. How about cheese and tomato?”

  “Yes! And cereal.”

  “How about cheese, tomato, and chicken?”

  “Yes! And cereal.”

  I giggled. “Okay. You asked for it; you got it.”

  “Really?” he asked. He obviously didn’t think I’d take him seriously.

  “Oh yeah. Come on and watch me.”

  He climbed up onto the stool to watch me work. I made all our pizzas with cheese, tomato, and chicken, and then just before I was going to put them into the oven, I crushed cereal on top of his. Savannah was standing beside me, and she was laughing so hard tears were falling down her face. It was nice to see her so happy and stress-free. She did not look like the same woman that had shown up at my door not so long ago. I’d seen so much hurt and pain in her eyes. But now all I saw was glowing happiness and pure joy. It suited her. I reminded myself to tell her that when we were alone.

  “You really going to eat that?” she asked Bobby.

  Bobby grinned. “YES!”

  “Well, who knows, maybe you’re onto something. Or maybe it will be the worst pizza in the world. We’ll see. Either way, I like that you’re trying new things. That’s the best way to be in life, you know.”

  We put the pizzas into the oven and went to sit in the living room to wait for them. I popped open a bottle of champagne and poured some out for Savannah and me. For Bobby, I poured him a glass of sparkling strawberry flavored water. He was pleased that he was included in the celebrations.

  “What a day!” Savannah said and leaned back against the sofa. I was sitting next to her, and Bobby was sitting on the opposite sofa, looking at his water as it fizzed.

  I took Savannah’s hand and smiled at her.

  “Yeah, today was definitely unexpected.”

  She looked down at her hand in mine and smiled. “Yeah, unexpected is definitely the word.”

  We grinned at one another, and I was glad that she didn’t pull her hand away from mine. When I looked up, I saw that Bobby was smiling at us. If anyone had to walk into the room at that moment, they would assume we were one big happy family. Which was exactly what it felt like to me. I needed to talk to Savannah about how I was feeling, but for now, I hoped that I could at least show her. We were both on a high from the day, and it felt like nothing could get us down. The more champagne we drank, the more that feeling was elevated.

  Bobby was kept us entertained until the pizzas were ready. We heard the ding of the oven, and I went to get them. I chuckled at Bobby’s. The cereal had gone soft and had melted in with the cheese, but it was still clear which pizza was his. I cut them up, put them on plates, and brought them back to the living room. Bobby peered down at his pizza and seemed absolutely delighted by it. We watched as he took a bite and a silly little grin spread on his face.

  “Good?” I asked.

  “So good.”

  “Are you just saying that or is it really good?”

  “It’s really good,” he said as he took another bite.

  “Can I try?”

  “Only one bite each,” he said and handed us a slice.

  I took a bite and handed the piece to Savannah to do the same. We looked at each other and laughed.

  “This is actually pretty good,” I said to Bobby.

  “Thank you. Maybe I won’t just make pancakes in my restaurant one day. Maybe I’ll make cereal pizza too.”

  “Wow, this is gearing up to be the most interesting restaurant in the world. I will definitely visit all the time. Will you give me free food?” Savannah asked him.

  He thought about the question for some time before finally nodding. “Yes. But only because you’re my mom.”

  “What about me?” I asked. “I would also love to get free cereal piz
za from you.”

  Bobby looked at me and smiled. “You can also have. But that’s because you’re my dad. And Pop can have too. Because we’re Snap, Crackle and Pop. And Dominic and Candice. And Stacy. And Spike.”

  I laughed. “Wow, that’s great. So many people.”

  He smiled, pleased with himself, and carried on eating.

  Bobby must’ve been very tired after such an emotional day because after his pizza, it didn’t take him long to get sleepy. I looked at Savannah and smiled.

  “Let me put him to bed,” I said.

  “You sure? I can do it.”

  “Nah, I’ll do it this time. You just sit back and relax.”

  Putting Bobby to sleep was a quick process this time around because he was too tired to do anything else. Usually, he loved to try and stay up as much as possible, but after brushing his teeth and putting his pajamas on, he fell asleep immediately. I was expecting him to want to talk or for him to ask me to read to him, but the boy was absolutely exhausted. He was very cute when he slept. He looked like a little angel. Then again, he looked the same when he was awake. I wondered if other parents were as lucky as we were. I waited a little while just to make sure he was fine before closing the door and making my way back to the living room. When I got there, I saw that all the dishes were done and Savannah was back on the sofa with her champagne.

  “You shouldn’t have done all that,” I said to her.

  She smiled. “You helped with Bobby, so it was only fair. You were quick with him. I thought he’d talk you to death like he normally does just before bedtime.”

  “Yeah, I thought the same thing, but he surprised me. He was out the moment I put him down on the bed. He almost fell asleep while brushing his teeth. I guess it was a very big day for him. It’s not every day you get to meet a brand-new human.”

  She smiled. “It was a big day for me too.”

  “And for me.” I took a deep breath and took her hand. “Savannah, there’s something I want to say to you.” I knew that it was now or never. We were both still feeling good from the day and the champagne, and I wanted to talk to her without Bobby around. I didn’t mind him knowing, but he would have a multitude of questions that I might not have the answer to. This was the best time.