‘No. Neither of them are my type.’
‘So what is your type?’
‘You, you idiot. Why would I go out of my way to come and see you if you weren’t. What’s brought this on?’
‘Something Fleur said; it was as if she knew you better than I did.’
I studied his reaction but there wasn’t even a flicker to suggest that anything had happened with Fleur. ‘And what did Fleur say?’
‘That you’re not the kind of man to commit. Rose agreed. They both think that you’re a loner.’
I waited for Daniel to contradict me but he didn’t. He didn’t say anything.
‘I guess we’ve never really talked about our future,’ I said.
Daniel didn’t look at all happy. ‘No, we haven’t. Look Dee, whatever your sisters said or think, you know that we have something on another level to them, a connection. How can you doubt that? Is this a pattern you’ve fallen into before – imagining things? Sabotaging things when they’re going well?’
I was taken aback by his accusation and felt defensive. ‘I didn’t imagine it with John. He was cheating on me. That’s why I value honesty.’
‘I’m not John.’
‘I wasn’t imagining anything with Nick either. Not that he cheated, he just didn’t want to commit.’
‘Look, we’re having a good time, aren’t we? Isn’t that enough? What is it you want?’
I didn’t say anything and the silence between us felt wrong. I wished I hadn’t said anything. The conversation was not going as I’d hoped. But what had I hoped for? Reassurance? A commitment? Neither of which were forthcoming. In fact, I felt like I’d created a wall between us. ‘Look, forget it, forget I said anything. I don’t want us to fall out over my sisters.’
He reached out and took my hand. ‘Me neither.’
I leant into him but cursed myself for having spoken before I’d had time to think it through, maybe talked it over with Anna. Daniel didn’t deserve my distrust. Or did he? For the first time since we’d got together, I felt unsure of him. ‘So when will I see you again?’
‘Soon. I’ll email you or call as soon as I know my commitments for the next month. Maybe we should go away somewhere? Somewhere nice?’
‘That would be lovely, but Daniel … where are we going? Where is this going? What’s going to happen after we finish Mum’s tasks?’ It was out before I could check myself. Shut up, an inner voice said, you’re being needy woman.
‘I don’t understand why you have to ask, Dee. We don’t have to put a label on what we have.’
‘No, of course we don’t.’ I checked my watch. My train left in half an hour. ‘Look, I have to go.’
‘Me too.’
*
‘You worry too much,’ said Daniel as we stood outside the station. He wrapped me in his arms. ‘I know it’s not ideal, always saying goodbye, but what we have is special. You have to know that. Don’t worry.’
I kissed him and it did feel special. For a moment, I felt reassured by his touch, his look of affection, then it was time to go.
‘Just give me some time to catch up with you about telling your sisters,’ he said. ‘Your idea to tell them came out of the blue.’ He smiled. ‘I’m a bloke, remember? We can be a bit slow sometimes.’
‘Course,’ I replied. ‘Sorry if I ruined our evening.’
‘You could never do that. But don’t worry, OK? We’ll talk about it.’
*
When I got on the train, I went over what he’d said in my mind, what Rose and Fleur had said too, and I felt a niggling doubt that wouldn’t go away. Where was he when he wasn’t with me? He couldn’t be working the whole time. Did he have other lovers, and amongst them one of my sisters? Rose could keep a secret better than anyone, but surely she wouldn’t do that to Hugh or her children? Then Fleur? I dismissed that idea too. Fleur would have come out with it. She could never keep making a conquest to herself. Maybe other women I knew nothing of? Daniel hadn’t ever made any promises, but then neither had I. Was I expecting too much now, wanting too much? We’ll talk about it, he’d said. I must give him time. I stared out through the window as the lights of towns, houses flashed by, and felt that – somehow – I’d been fobbed off.
*
At Plymouth Station, I bumped into Michael Harris on the platform. I wasn’t in the mood for seeing him but, too late, he’d seen me and waved.
‘Been somewhere nice?’ he asked.
‘Exeter. Family event,’ I replied. ‘You?’
‘I’m just heading back to London.’
‘Why train? Where’s your car?’
‘I’ve left it on the peninsula.’
‘Why?’
‘I have to make a quick trip back to the city, work to catch up on, and that’s easy on the train. Then I’ll be back down. I’ve been looking at houses down here so it’s useful to have the car.’
I remembered he’d mentioned it at my party just before I’d dashed off to the Ladies. So he was serious.
‘Seen anything?’
‘A couple, one in particular. The Old Vicarage out towards Cawsand.’
‘I know it. That’s a lovely place, out on the coast road?’
‘That’s it, overlooks the bay.’
‘You must hate me. You’d have Summer Lane if it wasn’t for me.’
‘I don’t hate you, Dee. Far from it. Don’t think that. No, I want something more rural than where you are; a few trees around me to look out on. You don’t get that in the village.’ He chuckled. ‘Might even get a dog.’ He glanced at his watch and the departure board. ‘Better dash. You take care.’
‘Will do. You too.’
As I headed out of the station, I felt sad. Michael appeared to be a kind man. From the beginning, he’d been reasonable about the house and it was his brother who’d been the driving force to get me out and sell. I thought about Daniel. Is he a kind man? I asked myself. Maybe picking the wrong men was a family trait and, like Fleur, I’d picked the wrong one in him; but too late, he had my heart, and there was no going back on that.
25
Fleur
Thursday 19 May
So long, Daniel. Time to call it a day with our liaison dangereuse.
It was never serious, and we only met up once a month, if that, but I’m bored already. What’s the point? We’re not going anywhere. And I think Dee still likes him. She says she doesn’t, she’s, like, la la la, I’m not interested, but she forgets, I grew up with her and remember how she was when she had a crush. She’d close down, put the walls up, as if protecting how she felt. She goes quiet when Daniel’s around and I can see her visibly relax when he leaves. She’d be heading for heartbreak if she ever pursued him, but I don’t want to add to it by continuing a relationship with him that means nothing to me. For me, he was like a cupcake that was going spare at a party. No one having this? Might as well not waste it then. Not exactly the grand passion. So I’m letting him go. She can pursue him if she wants, but I hope she won’t. I don’t want her to get hurt or rejected. He swears that nothing will ever happen between them but, all the same, that’s not enough of a reason for me to continue with him.
I feel that Dee and I are getting close again, so I don’t want any complications. It was always her I went to when we were growing up. After puberty, Rose was usually off with her own friends. Maybe that’s why Mum devised the list. Rose has her family and her all-consuming work. Dee and I are both single. Maybe Mum wanted us to find one another again.
I hope we’ll stay friends after we finish the tasks. Men, they come and go. Who needs them? And sex? I’m losing interest. I might have it all filled in and a gas fire fitted. Friends and sisters are always there, part of life, and I don’t want a meaningless affair – for that’s all it was – with Daniel to ever come between us. So it’s going to be ‘Ciao baby.’ It was good while it lasted. Don’t call me, I’ll call you. Only I won’t. He’ll soon get the message that comes with the unspoken word.
26
>
Dee
Friday 10 June
Weekend five.
‘So what’s the plan?’ asked Anna.
‘I’m meeting Fleur and Rose at a hotel in Reading.’
‘Great, not too far, and you can get the train.’
‘I know. Mum really had thought out every detail and has organized places that were reachable for all of us, even me down in the southwest. I get the train up this evening. Fleur and Rose are arriving tomorrow.’
‘And Daniel?’
‘Meeting him tonight, and we’re going to stay the night in the hotel where the next part of the kicking the bucket list is to take place.’
‘You wanton woman.’
‘I am. Wanton woman with a secret sex life, only not for much longer – the secret part, that is. I hope the sex life part will go on for quite a while yet, though I’ve felt a distinct cooling off in the last months.’
‘Your side or his?’
‘Not sure. It’s been ever since I broached the subject of telling Rose and Fleur, but I hope our evening together will clarify things.’
‘And you’re going to tell Fleur and Rose about Daniel?’
‘I am. I don’t care what he says. It feels wrong now that my relationship with my sisters has got better.’
‘Maintain radio contact. Report back if and when you need.’
‘Will do.’
*
As I sat on the train, I played and replayed in my mind what I was going to say to Rose and Fleur. It’s not too late. I’ll explain everything, from the start, totally come clean and hope that they understand why I didn’t tell them in the beginning. All of us were prickly in the first few months, but I felt there had been a breakthrough on our last weekend together in April. I’d also begun to suspect their lives weren’t as picture perfect as I’d imagined; that Fleur was lonely in her beautiful flat, and Rose worn out with her busy life – and by just being Rose. I wanted to get closer to both of them, be there for both of them. Nothing must jeopardize that, not even Daniel. I will do it, I told myself, Saturday night, when we’re all together.
I arrived at the boutique hotel, which was on the main road near the station. Inside was painted Farrow and Ball French Grey and stone colours. Very tasteful, I thought as I went to my room to find that someone had left a message at reception. I called down. It was from Daniel. He couldn’t make it this evening. Would call me later. Why didn’t he call my mobile? I wondered as I flung my overnight bag on the bed. He has the number and usually calls or texts. I felt a niggle. What was going on? We’d met up a couple of weeks ago when I’d gone up to London and we’d had a pleasant day mooching around Camden Market. We’d bought lots of goodies from a local deli and gone back to his flat for supper. I purposely hadn’t mentioned our conversation about any future together. I’d been light and bright but it had felt hollow somehow, as though I couldn’t completely be myself with him. He’d seemed distracted too, but I didn’t question him about it. I’d sensed he was a man who didn’t like to be pinned down about anything.
I ordered room service and watched TV and kept my phone on for Daniel’s call. It didn’t come. A watched phone never rings, I told myself. I thought about calling him but was determined not to turn into a Miss Whining, where are you? Is this the beginning of the end for us? I wondered. My gut was telling me that something wasn’t right with us any more.
Saturday 11 June
After breakfast, I went to the meeting room, hoping to catch Daniel before Fleur and Rose arrived, but they were already there, having driven together from London. Daniel was also early and was setting up.
He smiled, said, ‘Hi.’ I nodded back at him. He was so good at acting as if nothing was happening. Today is about Mum, I told myself. I’m not going to let whatever is or isn’t happening with Daniel ruin the time I have with her on these recordings.
When we were settled, Daniel pressed Play, and there was my dear mother. Even after all the months, it was still a shock to see her on screen, looking so alive. A bitter-sweet experience: a joy to see her there with more to say; a sorrow to know she was no longer alive at the other end of the recording. Seated beside her on her sofa, Jean and Martha had their eyes closed, their hands in their laps, palms up. They were all dressed in white and wearing Perspex triangular hats.
Fleur laughed. ‘Is she sending us to Ascot?’
‘Afraid not,’ Daniel replied.
‘Hello, darling girls. Like the hats? We’re wearing them because this weekend is about the power of the mind,’ said Mum. ‘You could say it’s the mental approach to happiness.’
Martha and Jean opened their eyes.
‘How one can change one’s life by changing one’s attitude,’ said Martha.
Jean nodded. ‘Create the life you want by changing your thoughts.’
Rose groaned. ‘Oh Christ. Not this.’
‘Yes,’ said Martha. ‘The mind is a powerful force. One’s thoughts are potent. It can take some people a lifetime to discover just how much, but that’s what we’re going to address this weekend.’
‘All the great thinkers from way back in time say the same thing,’ said Jean. ‘Your life is a manifestation of your thoughts, of what you have chosen.’
‘Tell that to the people in war-torn countries,’ said Rose, ‘or the terminally ill.’
I glanced at Fleur. She discreetly raised an eyebrow. Rose was in one of her contrary moods.
‘Successful people are not successful because of luck,’ said Martha. ‘They work at it, yes, have goals, yes, but most of all believe in the power of thought. They believe they will succeed.’
‘Thoughts are like magnets. What you think, you attract to you,’ said Mum.
Rose sighed with exasperation.
‘So you have to be careful what you think over and over again,’ said Jean.
I glanced at Daniel. Am I creating a distance between us by my thoughts? Sabotaging what we have because I believe men let you down, I wondered. I mustn’t think like that then. Get out negative thoughts. Get out now.
‘I thought this weekend might appeal to you in particular, Rose,’ said Mum, ‘it being a more cerebral approach.’
Clearly not, I thought as Rose rolled her eyes. ‘Wrong,’ she said.
‘Today is about taking charge of one’s mind,’ said Martha. ‘You’re going to look at what you are thinking, what thoughts are predominant and, thus, shaping your life. Then you’ll spend a bit of time identifying what it is that you truly want and making positive affirmations to make it happen.’
‘I must, I must, I must improve my bust,’ said Fleur. ‘Remember that one? We all used to do it in front of the mirror. Didn’t bloody work.’
‘Probably not what Mum was alluding to,’ I said as I noticed Daniel’s fleeting glance at Fleur’s chest and felt a stab of jealousy.
‘Today will also be about how to eliminate worry, guilt and blame. You must each take responsibility for your life as it is now, the choices you have made, and not blame anyone else,’ said Mum. ‘I know you all have your worries so, as part of the programme, you will make worry boxes and put all your cares and concerns in there. And when that’s done, you’ll work on visualizing what you truly want. Dee, as an artist, you must see this daily. You visualize something in your mind and make it real on the canvas. Today will be about learning to do that in life, not just art. You will learn how to create the destiny you want.’
Rose scoffed again. This time Daniel glanced at her and she met his eyes, acknowledging something between them. A thought? A shared response to what Mum was saying? What? Another spear of jealousy hit its mark inside me. ‘Create your destiny? Pff,’ said Rose.
What is her problem? I wondered. I liked the idea of getting my thoughts under control and reshaping my destiny. By the way I was feeling this morning, I clearly needed to.
‘Shh,’ said Fleur.
‘You shh,’ said Rose.
‘Aim to be the person you want to be, were meant to be,’ said Jean
. ‘See it in your mind.’
‘As always, Daniel will tell you what to do,’ said Mum. ‘You won’t have to go far and can do most of it right here or in your hotel room.’
‘We know a lot of what you work on today may be private,’ said Jean, ‘so, like with the writing exercise you did on weekend two, don’t feel you have to read anything out, but share it if you want to. It’s for you to assess where you are in life, if that’s where you want to be and where you want to go next.’
‘On Sunday,’ said Martha, ‘we want you to try out some mindfulness techniques. It’s like meditation, and aims to bring you into the present moment. We spend so much time thinking about the future, having regrets about the past, that it’s easy to miss the present.’
‘Which is the only time that’s real, and where true happiness lies,’ said Mum. ‘We think, oh, I was happy in the past at such and such a time, but that time is gone, never to return. We think oh, I’ll be happy in the future when I’ve done this, achieved that, got this, gone on holiday, met the One, etc., and so on, wishing away our lives, but the future is a closed curtain. The present is the only time that’s real. So there will be exercises to help you to live mindfully in the moment, to be present in the present, to taste what you eat, hear the sounds around you, see the changing seasons and the skies. When did you last look at a sky – I mean, really look? Or at a flower? Or a tree?’
‘OK, I am telling you right now I am not going tree-hugging,’ said Fleur.
‘So, my darling girls, be present,’ Mum continued. ‘Be in the here and now, live your lives fully and consciously and choose thoughts to be happy.’
‘And abundant,’ added Martha.
All three of them closed their eyes and smiled beatifically. With their strange hats, they looked like three very weird and wrinkly aliens.
Then they were gone.
‘Horseshit,’ said Rose.
‘Don’t hold back Rose,’ said Fleur. ‘Why is it horseshit?’
‘I’ve heard all this stuff before. It’s idealistic fluff. You’ve heard of The Secret? All that waffle about manifesting what you want. Think you’re going to be a millionaire and you will be.’
The Kicking the Bucket List Page 23