The Kicking the Bucket List

by Cathy Hopkins

  We were left staring at empty chairs and an empty room. I felt such an ache of loss at the finality of it. I suddenly remembered when we were little, when Mum and Jean used to hide if one of us had left the room to fetch something, then they’d spring out from behind a curtain or sofa.

  ‘That’s it,’ said Daniel and he went to turn the laptop off.

  ‘No! Wait,’ I said. ‘She hides sometimes. Remember? Her and Jean? They might come back.’

  I longed for her to come back. For five more minutes, for one more minute. We waited and I prayed to see her appear from somewhere, playing her familiar prank, but all was silent and, after a few minutes, I realized it wasn’t going to happen.

  ‘I think she’s gone,’ said Rose.

  ‘Yes. I’m afraid that really is it,’ said Daniel.

  Fleur burst into tears and I was close to doing the same. I got up to put my arm around her. ‘It’s like she’s gone all over again,’ she said. ‘I can’t bear it. This last year was supposed to give us some hints about how to be happy but, seeing that empty room, Mum well and truly gone now, I don’t think I’ve ever felt more unhappy in my whole life.’

  ‘But at least we’re together this time, that part is different,’ I said as I thought back to the day that I’d had the phone call from Hugh telling me that Mum had passed, when the three of us had hardly been talking.

  Rose fetched a box of tissues and put them in front of Fleur.

  ‘Is that really really it, Daniel?’ I asked. ‘Any more texts? Anything?’

  He shook his head. ‘And … I suppose this is where I must take my leave too.’ He stood and began to collect up his things.

  ‘Mum didn’t give you any more instructions for this last day?’ asked Fleur.

  He shook his head again. ‘It had to end somewhere.’

  And I’m supposed to reveal my secret, I thought as I looked at Rose and Fleur. How I wished I’d done it earlier, not on a day like this with all of us experiencing such a fresh wave of grief.

  ‘Thanks Daniel,’ said Rose, then turned to Fleur and me. ‘Actually, I have something to tell you and ask you. I wonder if we could make a small change to this afternoon. I want to go somewhere. Just for an hour. We can come straight back here afterwards, that is, if you all agree to it. If not, I’ll just pop out.’

  ‘Where to?’ asked Fleur.

  ‘Remember the swami?’

  We both nodded.

  ‘Well, he’s going back to India and there’s a farewell for him this afternoon, not far from here. I’d really like to go.’

  ‘You? But why now?’ I asked.

  Rose glanced at Daniel then back at us. ‘I got a lot out of the meditation. I … actually, I’ve been going and having some sessions in between times when we met up for our weekends.’

  ‘You have? Why didn’t you say?’ I asked as my mind went into overdrive. Rose going to do meditation of her own free will? I really didn’t know her at all. Daniel. Rose. Having some sessions? Sessions of what?

  ‘It was just something I … I needed to do on my own.’

  ‘Did you know about this, Daniel?’ I asked.

  Daniel looked at Rose who nodded at him. ‘Er … yes, I did,’ he said. ‘It was nothing to do with your mum’s list.’

  Nothing to do with the list? The possible implications knocked me into silence.

  ‘Why? And why on your own and keep it secret?’ asked Fleur. ‘You could have told us.’

  Rose sighed. ‘A lot of what the swami said resonated, that’s all. I felt I needed to find some peace in my life. The other stuff, as Mum said, so much of it is transient – fleeting pleasures. I needed to find some inner peace. Find the peace that never changes.’ She gave Daniel a brief smile, which he returned.

  I felt sick. All the time I’d been seeing Daniel, he’d been seeing Rose too and hadn’t mentioned it once. Why not? If it was innocent, just meditation, why not say something? Had they got close? Had they been having a relationship? How long had Rose been going to see the swami?

  ‘And did you find it? This peace?’ asked Fleur.

  ‘Some days. I’m getting there,’ Rose replied.

  ‘Rose, is there something going on that we don’t know about?’ I asked.

  Daniel looked at Rose again. There definitely was. ‘I’m going to go,’ he said. ‘I think you have some things you need to discuss with each other.’ He picked up his bag. ‘I’ll see you this afternoon.’ He said this last to Rose, not to me. I felt bewildered at the exclusion.

  ‘Discuss what? What’s he talking about, Rose?’ I asked as soon as the front door had closed.

  ‘Yes,’ said Fleur. ‘Has something been going on with you and Daniel?’

  ‘Yes. Yes and no. No, not like that. Look. I do have something to tell you but I’d like to wait until later. Can we get on with this morning’s tasks? Hugh will be here later. I want to wait until he’s here.’

  Oh God, I thought. Could it be that she’s been having an affair with Daniel and is leaving Hugh and is going to tell him?

  ‘Christ, Rose,’ said Fleur. ‘You and Daniel?’

  Rose got up. ‘It’s not what you think.’

  ‘Never is,’ said Fleur.

  ‘I don’t want to talk about it yet,’ said Rose. ‘And no, it’s not me and Daniel. Not exactly.’

  I felt a surge of rage. She was still doing it! Controlling us. Choosing to tell us what she wanted when she wanted, with no consideration for what we might be feeling. But then, she doesn’t know I’ve been having a relationship too, I thought. Oh God, how did this get so complicated?

  ‘And you expect us to sit here all morning, bake cakes, look at all our old family albums, be nostalgic and remember a sometimes-happy childhood?’ I said, and I knew I sounded angry. ‘Well, Mum could never have seen this coming.’

  ‘It’s not what you think, Dee,’ said Rose again. She had shut down. ‘Later. I promise that I’ll tell you later.’

  *

  I had an agonizing morning trying to carry on as normal. Fleur was in a strange mood and Rose was measuring out ingredients as though on automatic pilot. I felt panic. I texted Daniel. What the hell is going on? He texted back. Talk to Rose.

  I knew there was no point in trying to get Rose to talk. She’d do it in her own good time. And so we baked scones. It felt surreal and far from the homely atmosphere that I was sure Mum had intended.

  Whilst the scones were in the oven, we sat and looked at albums in silence. Fleur had brought the one she had, I’d brought a couple and Rose had one plus a couple of Mum’s that she would have had in the retirement home. I could see that – under different circumstances – today could have been a good day, full of laughter at old haircuts and styles, reminiscing, but the hours dragged on.

  As I watched Rose flicking through pages of an album, I tried to gauge what she was feeling or keeping from us. Her face betrayed little apart from possible sleepless nights.

  ‘Are you OK, Rose?’ I asked. ‘You look tired.’

  ‘I’m fine.’

  ‘Are you sure, Rose?’ Fleur asked. ‘You do look a bit out of sorts.’

  Rose ignored her, stood and looked at her watch. ‘Time to go. Are you coming or do you want to wait for me here?’

  ‘Coming,’ Fleur and I chorused.

  Saturday 13 August, 1 p.m.

  The meeting was to be held in a smart hotel near Kensington. When we arrived, Daniel was waiting in a reception area with honey-coloured marble pillars and floor. He looked anxious as he waved hello to us. Rose went over to him. I was now convinced that they’d been having an affair. I could see an intimacy between them as they talked, then Daniel glanced over at Fleur and me. I was about to go over and confront them but Fleur pulled me back. ‘Dee, I have something to tell you.’

  ‘Can’t it wait? What?’

  She pulled me into an alcove from where we could still see Rose and Daniel. I didn’t want to lose sight of them and wanted to study their faces further for clues as to what thei
r relationship was. ‘No, it can’t wait. It’s about Rose – or rather about Daniel.’

  ‘Oh. OK. What?’ I was itching to go over to Daniel and Rose.

  ‘He’s a fake, a phony. If Rose has been having an affair with him, I can be pretty sure she doesn’t know that I was too.’

  At first I thought I’d heard her wrong. ‘You were what?’

  ‘Having an affair, though I’d hardly call it that. It wasn’t serious, just sex.’

  She had my full attention now. ‘You? Having an affair with Daniel?’

  ‘Yes, but as I said, it was just for fun, for sex.’

  I felt like I’d been punched. A body blow. I gasped for air, finding it hard to breathe. Felt sick. I’d been right in my suspicions but … if Fleur had been with Daniel and I had too, surely surely he couldn’t have been with Rose as well? ‘Just sex? For fun? Fleur, what are you saying?’

  ‘I’m sorry. It’s over now.’

  ‘I …’ I could hardly take in what she’d said and felt a need to sit down before my knees gave way. ‘Why didn’t you tell me before?’

  ‘Daniel and I agreed to keep it secret.’ That sounds familiar, I thought. ‘And I didn’t want to hurt your feelings. I knew you liked him.’

  ‘I did. Do. Did. I …’ The nausea inside turned into a red-hot anger. I didn’t know what to do with myself. Kick something. Fleur? Daniel? Rose? Myself for being such an idiot, for not seeing the signs, not trusting my intuition about Fleur – but now Rose too. I looked over at Daniel. ‘I thought I knew him—’

  ‘I wouldn’t have done it if anything had been going on between you,’ Fleur continued, ‘but he assured me that it wasn’t and … sorry to say this, but never would. That’s why I tried to warn you off him.’

  I wanted to tell her to shut up but I also wanted to know more. ‘But how do you know that?’

  ‘I asked him.’

  ‘You asked him?’

  ‘Yes. Of course! I’m not that much of a shit. I wouldn’t have gone near him if anything had been going on with you and him. I’m so sorry about that, Dee. I wouldn’t have said anything, but now Rose is in the equation, I don’t want her to do something stupid over a man who isn’t to be trusted.’

  ‘But … but I was having an affair with him.’

  ‘No you weren’t.’

  ‘I think I’d know.’

  ‘But I asked him. He said it was never going to happen.’

  The rage inside was growing. ‘We agreed to keep it secret. Sound familiar?’

  The penny dropped for Fleur. ‘Oh.’

  ‘Yes. Oh. I asked him about you too, Fleur. He said that was never going to happen either.’

  Fleur looked shocked and I could see Daniel staring at us. He looked worried.

  ‘Seriously, Dee? Since when?’ asked Fleur.

  ‘Since last December. You?’

  ‘Since March, but it’s over now.’

  ‘Did he end it or did you?’

  ‘I did. There was no point. It didn’t mean anything. What about you?’

  I felt like I was going to throw up. Telling Fleur about Daniel, it wasn’t supposed to happen like this. ‘I … I don’t know any more. It’s cooled off but I think we are – or thought we were – still a couple. We’ve been seeing each other whenever we could …’ What I said rang false in my ears. A couple? We weren’t. Not really. And I’d only seen him once in the last month. We’d met halfway, in Bristol, and had both been distracted. We’d had dinner, made love, but it had felt flat. I’d convinced myself that it was just a phase all lovers went through after the first flush and excitement of having found each other.

  Fleur put her hand on my arm. I shrugged her off. I felt confused, angry, stunned, hurt and sick. So much for my positive visualization about telling Fleur and Rose over tea and sympathy, I thought as I took a deep breath and tried to calm the avalanche of emotions that were threatening to engulf me.

  Fleur looked over at Rose and Daniel. ‘He’s duped us all. We have to tell Rose. Now.’

  ‘Now? Do we? Why?’ Part of me still wanted to wait, to tell Rose later, when we got home, not in such a public place; another part wanted to march over and punch Daniel’s lights out. No wonder Rose is looking pale, I thought, she’s been carrying all this and has a family. At least Fleur and I don’t have that to deal with.

  ‘Look, I know it’s a lot to take in. Actually, it is for me too,’ said Fleur. She looked flushed with anger too. ‘The complete bastard. He honestly honestly said that nothing was going on with him and me?’

  ‘He did. I asked if he fancied you. Too high maintenance, he said one time, not his type.’

  ‘And he said that you would want too much from him, and also that you weren’t his type. The shit. He’s been lying to all of us. I wonder what he’s said to Rose. Let’s find out.’

  Daniel turned his back when he saw that we were going over.

  ‘Rose, there’s something you have to know,’ said Fleur in a loud voice, which caused a few people in reception to turn to look at her.

  Daniel took a few steps in retreat. ‘I’ll leave you ladies—’ he started.

  ‘Oh no you don’t,’ said Fleur. ‘You stay right where you are.’

  Daniel stopped in his tracks.

  ‘What’s going on?’ asked Rose.

  Daniel sighed. ‘I should go. I think you three need to talk to each other.’

  ‘No! You stay put,’ said Fleur.

  ‘Yes, I think you have some explaining to do,’ I added.

  Rose looked mystified. ‘Is someone going to tell me what this is about?’

  ‘This lying bastard here has been conning all of us,’ said Fleur, still in a loud voice so that anyone in reception could hear. A few people were already staring. ‘Did you know that this creep has been sleeping with me and Dee?’

  Rose looked shocked. ‘Both of you? You’re kidding. Seriously?’ She turned to Daniel, studied his face. ‘Is this true?’

  ‘And he told me that he didn’t fancy Fleur,’ I said as I watched Daniel to see his reaction. The phrase ‘rabbit caught in the headlights’ came to mind.

  ‘And me that he didn’t fancy Dee,’ said Fleur.

  I continued to stare directly at Daniel. ‘Our secret.’

  Fleur did the same. ‘Our secret.’

  He looked as if he wanted the ground to open up and swallow him.

  ‘But you told me that you weren’t interested in either of my sisters,’ said Rose. She looked at me and, when she saw my face, bit her lip. ‘Sorry Dee,’ she said and turned back to Daniel, ‘but … Fleur as well?’

  ‘So join the club, Rose. We’re just a list of sexual conquests.’

  ‘No.’ She shook her head. ‘It wasn’t sexual with me, it was—’

  ‘But you were seeing Daniel?’ asked Fleur.

  ‘I was … I was going to explain later. I will explain later. Not here.’ She was red in the face, flushed. She looked at Daniel. ‘Why the lies? I expected more from you.’

  Daniel squirmed and took a few steps back towards a pillar, as if he wanted to hide behind it. ‘Me a liar? What about you, Rose? And you, Dee? And you, Fleur? All of you have been lying too.’

  Rose clenched her fists and shook her head. ‘I trusted you, you asshole.’

  ‘And so did I,’ I said. This was the man I had shared my bed with for eight months, had experienced intimate moments with, had loved. Where was that man now? Why didn’t he step forward and explain?

  Behind us, people were still looking in our direction, nudging each other, trying to work out what was happening.

  ‘Since when Dee?’ asked Rose.

  ‘December.’

  ‘Fleur?’

  ‘March, but it’s over—’

  Rose’s face flushed even redder. She looked as if she was about to explode. She moved forward and shoved Daniel’s chest so that he had to step back to keep his balance. ‘Screwing my sisters while acting Mr Nice Guy and telling me I had to find my peace? How could you?�
�

  Daniel bristled. ‘I … Screwing is a very cold word, Rose. And I never made out I was anything I wasn’t. Not to you.’

  ‘But you did to my sisters, so that affects me too. To think that my mother put her trust in you. What would she make of what you’ve done? She employed you to organize the events of the last months, a list of her wishes, intended to bring us closer, but you took advantage of your position. You’ve destroyed anything Mum might have hoped to achieve with your lies and deception. You’ve made a fool of her too, and that makes me madder than anything. Christ, I could kill you for what you’ve done. You, you’re a … a devil in saint’s clothing. You … you …’ Rose lost it and pushed him again, this time with such force that he lost his balance and fell back. He tried to correct himself but toppled towards the pillar, hit his head and fell backwards on to the marble floor. In a second, a line of blood pooled out behind him.

  ‘Oh Christ!’ I cried as I knelt down beside him. I looked up. ‘Somebody call an ambulance.’

  Several people in reception came running over and stood over Daniel. Rose looked as though she was going to faint and a man stepped towards her to catch her.

  ‘And the police,’ a women called.

  Fleur already had her phone out. She made the call then also knelt over Daniel. ‘Oh shit,’ she said. ‘Shit, shit, shit.’

  29

  Dee

  Sunday 14 August

  I reached into my bag and took out a bottle of Rescue Remedy. I unscrewed the top, tilted my head back, squeezed four drops on to my tongue and swallowed. It was my second dose since I’d arrived at the police station an hour earlier. I always kept some on me in case of emergencies – good for stress, panic and fear, though I’d rarely used it before the events of the last twenty-four hours.

  I glanced out of the window in the waiting room of the police station and could see Fleur, on her way in. I wasn’t happy to see her. I was still reeling from yesterday’s revelations. So many lies had been told, my own included, and now this nightmare situation with the police. How had it come to this? I asked myself. Things like this don’t happen to people like us.