My editor, Kate Bradley, for her passion for the book and for making the process so enjoyable.
All the team at HarperFiction for their warm welcome and for getting behind the book with such enthusiasm.
Elliott Brenman for his professional input. Much appreciated.
Claire Ward, for her original and inspired cover.
And lastly, my husband Steve, for his endless patience in listening to me talk out plot points and characters at every opportunity, especially in the car when he couldn’t escape.
Iris had her own ideas about what could make a person happy, so instead of the usual Q&A, we’re only going to ask you one question, Cathy Hopkins − what would your Ten Steps to Happiness be?
Warghhh. Oh God. No idea. That’s the million dollar question isn’t it? It’s so random. For example, you can be on a beach on a paradise island and feel miserable. You can be in the middle of a crowded city on a rainy day and feel fantastic for no reason at all − so I guess it’s down to state of mind as much as anything. As Iris says in the book, you’ve got to do all you can to help that – eat right, exercise, be creative, meditate etc., but ultimately you have to accept that happiness comes and goes.
Some years, external forces are the cause and tough times can be thrown at you – enforced change, illness, stress, death of loved ones, redundancy, heartbreak. It can be hard to maintain any level of real happiness. Other years, the rollercoaster ride of life starts to go up again and good things happen; you feel happy and hopeful again.
So many factors can influence how you feel. A lot of it is to do with contrast too – for example, you feel happy to get home when you’ve been away. You may feel happy to be going away when you’ve had a long period at home. Happy to be cool when you’ve been hot, happy to be warm after you’ve been cold. A quiet time after a busy time, a busy time after too much quiet. Contrast.
I also think that happiness comes from having something to do – a project and reason to live, whether that be a family, a home, a career; I think having a purpose can be a major contributing factor to happiness.
But if I was pushed to give an answer, I’d say letting go of a lot of stuff can help too – all of which I don’t necessarily do but know I should.
So, my Ten Steps to Happiness. Here goes:
1)Let go of worry. Easy to say, hard to do. You can do what you can about a situation but worrying about it is a waste of time and energy because it isn’t going to help or change things, not one little bit except to make you feel miserable. So do what you can to help the person or situation but don’t worry about it. I’ve spent weeks/months/years worrying, mostly about things that never happened. So step number one, stop worrying. (And now I will worry if this is good way to start my ten steps … )
2)Let go of blame − whether it be your parents, your upbringing, your family, your partner, your job or whatever it is that you think is making you unhappy. If you’re unhappy with something or someone, take steps to change the situation. We always have choice in life so take responsibility for your own happiness and don’t blame someone else for the lack of it. OK, so you might have had a difficult start, unsupportive family or difficult work colleagues but it’s too easy to blame that. Better to consider your options and move on. Choose to be happy. Ultimately, whether you’re happy or not is down to you. You have to create your own happiness.
3)Let go of people you’ve outgrown or bring you down. Nurture your real friends and the people whose company uplifts or inspires you. Good friends means many happy times so plan times with people whose company you enjoy and look forward to and let go of the ones who offload on you or moan all the time, and the one-way-streeters where you do all the running. If people don’t make an effort to be in your life, don’t try so hard to be in theirs, it’s not worth it. Your real friends will seek you out, keep up with what’s happening with you and be there when the times are tough. There’s that saying – if you want a friend, be a friend – so if you feel you haven’t got any, get out there and make some, join a book club, a choir, whatever your interests are, then invite the people you meet and like over. Be a friend.
4)Let go of the need to always be right. Try to see the other person’s point of view, learn to listen, be kind. Makes you feel a darn sight better than being angry.
5)Let go of the need to be in control. You can’t control everything and if things don’t go according to plan, it can make you feel bad. So learn to let go and go with the flow. Though I do find that always having a book in my bag helps enormously; when appointments are running late, I can read, if the train is diverted, I can read, if the hairdresser is backed up and I have to wait, I can read.
6)Let go of self-criticism and feeling you have to be perfect. Sometimes we don’t need anyone or anything to make us unhappy, we can do it to ourselves – you’re too fat, too old, too young, too immature, your bum’s too big, your breasts are too small, you’re too tall, too small, not talented enough, too old, too young, not this or not that. I am ace at this, like there is a demon in my head that loves to find fault. Learn to accept yourself as you are. There’s only one of you, one mould, you’re unique, magnificent, perfect as you are. And while you’re at it, let go of criticizing or judging others too. Everyone has their story. Maybe they’re different or don’t think like you do. Let them be. Maybe they were rude or short with you – so maybe they just had some bad news. Who knows? Not you or me.
(This doesn’t apply when watching Strictly Come Dancing or The X Factor, when part of the fun is shouting insults at the TV.)
7)Let go of anger and complaining. It’s boring to listen to and it’s draining to dwell on negativity. Yes, so much is sometimes not right in the world, from the public news to more personal issues. But ever spent a day with a grumpy person? One of those glass-half-empty people? Exactly. Take time to look at the beauty in the world and focus on that. Smell a flower, look at the sky, the stars, a bird in a tree, read about the many amazing and inspiring people who are being creative and generous and working so hard for the good of the world and the people in it. Other stuff is happening all around us besides what’s on the news. I wish they’d have a good news section so we’d get more of a balance. It’s not all bad out there and focusing on the negative only creates fear and worry. I’m not saying don’t listen to the news as it’s important to be aware of what’s happening and it’s true that there is some anger and hatred from people whose aim is to cause suffering, but there are millions and millions and millions more people who want a peaceful world and believe in kindness, love and helping others.
8)Let go of needing to impress anyone. It’s liberating. The best become the best by being themselves so don’t try and copy anyone or be anything you’re not. No matter what you do or how you act, some people will never get you or where you’re coming from, so relax, be yourself and you’ll find the ones who do get you. Let go of worrying what people think of you – they’ll either like you or they won’t.
9)Let go of working too hard – make time every week to go somewhere and do something that lifts your soul. That might be a visit to an exhibition or a garden, a trek in the mountains, time with a friend or time alone with a book or a piece of music. Make it happen. Make time for yourself and what you enjoy. As the saying goes, life isn’t a rehearsal. We only get one crack at it so don’t waste it all working to create a lifestyle that you never get to enjoy. Time-manage playtime into your schedule. (I should really take note of this. I can spend days glued to my desk, especially when writing a first draft.)
10)Let go of believing that happiness lies in the past or future. The past is a closed book, no going back there, the future is an unopened curtain and the show hasn’t started yet. The only time that’s real is the here and now, so try and spend your time in it, looking, listening, feeling, touching, being.
Finally, I’d like to include a piece of writing I saw when I was sitting in the osteopath’s waiting room and wondering what I should write for the ‘Ten Steps to
Happiness’. I glanced up and saw it pinned to the wall. Curiously, I used to have it on my wall back in the 1970’s when I was a student. I think it says it all.
Desiderata by Max Ehrmann
Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others,
even to the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
About the Author
Cathy lives in Bath with her husband and three cats. In her spare time she is happiest digging, planting or reading in the garden or on a walk with friends in the local countryside – usually ending in a pub. For more about Cathy, you can find her on Twitter, Facebook and on her website.
@CathyHopkins1
/cathy.hopkins
www.cathyhopkins.com/
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The Kicking the Bucket List Page 30