She hid her face in his shoulder, wanting to escape his embrace even as she submerged herself in it.
“I never knew love could be like this,” Jordan said hoarsely. “I’ve never been in love, never experienced it before you.” He rested his jaw alongside her cheek in a gesture of tenderness that moved her deeply.
Jill swallowed and blinked through a wall of tears. “Please…” She had to say something, had to let him know before he spoke again, before he convinced her to love him. She’d set her mind, her will, everything within her, to resist him and found she couldn’t.
“I realize we haven’t known each other long,” Jordan was saying. “Yet it seems as if you’ve always been part of my life, always will be.”
“No…”
“Yes,” he countered softly, his lips grazing the side of her face. “I want to marry you, Jill. Soon. The sooner the better. I need you in my life. I need you to teach me so many things. Loving me isn’t going to be easy, but—”
“No!” Abruptly she broke away from him. “Please, no.” She buried her face in her hands and began to sob.
“Jill, what is it?” He tried to comfort her, tried to bring her back into his embrace, but she wouldn’t let him.
“I can’t marry you.” The words, born of frustration and anger, were meant to be shouted, but by the time they passed her lips they were barely audible.
“Can’t marry me?” Jordan repeated as though he was sure he’d misunderstood. “Why not?”
“Because…” Saying it became a nearly impossible task, but she forced herself. “Because…I’m already engaged.”
She saw and felt his shock. His eyes narrowed with pain and disbelief as the color drained from his face.
“You’re making it up.”
“No, it’s true.” She held herself stiff, braced for the backlash her words would bring.
“When?” he demanded.
She heaved in a breath and squared her shoulders. “Tonight.”
A shudder went through him as his eyes, dark and haunting, raked her face. Jill’s throat muscles constricted at his tortured look, and she couldn’t speak.
It took Jordan a moment to compose himself. But he did so with remarkable dexterity. All emotion fled from his face. For a breathless moment he just stared at her.
“I’m sure,” he said finally, without any outward hint of regret, “that whoever it is will make you a far better husband than I would have.”
“His name is Ralph.”
Jordan grimaced, but quickly rearranged his features into a cool mask. “I wish you and…Ralph every happiness.”
With that, he turned and walked out of her life. Just as she’d wanted him to…
Early the next morning, after an almost sleepless night, Jill put the infamous wedding dress in her car and drove directly to Shelly and Mark’s. The curtains were open so she assumed they were up and about. Even if they weren’t, she didn’t care.
Keeping the wedding dress a second longer was intolerable. The sooner she was rid of it, the sooner her life would return to normal.
Jill locked her car and carried the box to the Bradys’ front door. Her steps were impatient. If Shelly wasn’t home, Jill swore she’d leave the wedding gown on the front steps rather than take it back to her apartment.
A few minutes passed before the door opened. Shelly stood on the other side, dressed in a long robe, her hair in disarray and one hand covering her mouth to hide a huge yawn.
“I got you out of bed?” That much was obvious, but Jill was in no state for intelligent conversation.
“I was awake,” Shelly said, yawning again. “Mark had to go into the office early, but I couldn’t make myself get up.” She gestured Jill inside. “Come on in. I’m sure Mark made a pot of coffee. He knows I need a cup first thing in the morning.”
Jill set the box down on the sofa and followed Shelly into the kitchen. Clearly her friend wasn’t fully awake yet, so Jill walked over to the cupboards and collected two mugs, filling each with coffee, then bringing them to the table where Shelly was sitting.
“Oh, thanks,” she mumbled. “I’m impossible until I’ve had my first cup.”
“I seem to remember that from our college days.”
“Right,” Shelly said, managing a half smile. “You know all my faults. Can you believe Mark loves me in spite of the fact that I can’t cook, can’t tolerate mornings and am totally disorganized?”
Having seen the love in Mark’s eyes when he looked at his wife, Jill could well believe it. “Yes.”
“I’m glad you’re here,” Shelly said, resting her head on her arm, which was stretched across the kitchen table.
“You are?” It was apparent that Shelly hadn’t guessed the reason for this unexpected visit, hadn’t realized Jill was returning the wedding dress. Half-asleep as she was, she obviously hadn’t noticed the box.
“Yes, I’m delighted you’re here,” Shelly said as her eyes drifted shut. “Mark and I had a long talk about you and Ralph. He seems to think I’m overreacting to this engagement thing. But you aren’t going to marry Ralph—you know it and I know it. This engagement is a farce, even if you don’t recognize that yet. Getting Ralph to propose is the only way you can deal with what’s happening between you and Jordan. But you’d never go through with it. You’re too honest. You won’t let yourself cheat Ralph—because if you marry him, that’s exactly what you’ll be doing.”
“He knows I’m not in love with him.”
“I’m sure he does, but I’m also sure he believes that in time you’ll feel differently. What he doesn’t understand is that you’re already in love with someone else.”
A few hours earlier, Jill would have adamantly denied loving Jordan, but she couldn’t any longer. Her heart burned with the intensity of her feelings. Still, it didn’t change anything, didn’t alter the path she’d chosen.
“Ralph doesn’t know about Jordan, does he?”
“No,” Jill said reluctantly. If she was forced to, she’d tell Ralph about him. Difficult as it was to admit, Shelly was right about one thing. Jill would never be able to marry Ralph unless she was completely honest with him.
Shelly straightened and took her first sip of coffee. It seemed to revive her somewhat. “I should apologize for what I said last night. I didn’t mean to offend you.”
“You didn’t,” Jill was quick to tell her.
“You frightened me.”
“Why?”
“I was afraid for you, afraid you were going to ruin your life. I don’t think I could stand idly by and let you do it.”
“I fully intend to marry Ralph.” Jill didn’t know for whose benefit she was saying this—Shelly’s or her own. The doubts were back, but she did her best to ignore them.
“Oh, I believe you intend to marry Ralph…now,” Shelly said, “but when the time comes, I don’t think it’s going to happen. Neither does Mark.”
“That isn’t what he said when we talked.” Mark had been the cool voice of reason in their impassioned discussion the night before. He’d reassured her and comforted her, and for that Jill would always be grateful.
“What he said,” Shelly explained between yawns, “was that he was sure you’d make the right decision. And he is. I was, too, after he calmed me down.”
“I’ve made my choice. There’s no turning back now.”
“You’ll change your mind.”
“Perhaps. I don’t know. All I know is that I agreed to marry Ralph.” No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t keep the breathless catch from her voice.
Shelly heard it, and her eyes slowly opened. “What happened?” Her gaze sharply assessed Jill, who tried not to say or do anything that would give her away.
“Tell me,” she said when Jill hesitated. “You know I’ll get it out of you one way or another.”
Jill sighed. Hiding the truth was pointless. “Jordan came by late last night.”
“I thought you said he was in Hawaii.”
“He
was.”
“Then what was he doing at your place?”
“He said he had a feeling there was something wrong—and he flew home.”
“There is something wrong!” Shelly cried. “You’re engaged to the wrong man.”
Unexpectedly, Jill felt defeated. She’d hardly slept the night before, and the tears she’d managed to suppress refused to be held back any longer. They brimmed in her eyes, spilling onto her cheeks, cool against her flushed skin.
“I’m not engaged to the wrong man,” she said once she was able to speak coherently. “I happen to love the wrong one.”
“If you’re in love with Jordan,” Shelly said, “and I believe you are, then why in heaven’s name would you even consider marrying Ralph?”
It was too difficult to explain. Rather than make the effort, she merely shook her head and stood, almost toppling her chair in her eagerness to escape.
“Jill.” Shelly stood, too.
“I have to go now….”
“Jill, what’s wrong? My goodness, I’ve never seen you like this. Tell me.”
Jill shook her head again and hurried into the living room. “I brought back the wedding dress. Thank your aunt Milly for me, but I can’t…wear it.”
“You brought back the dress?” Shelly sounded as though she was about to break into tears herself. “Oh, Jill, I wish you hadn’t.”
Jill didn’t stay around to argue. She rushed out the front door and to her car. Her destination wasn’t clear until she reached Ralph’s apartment. She hadn’t planned to go there and wasn’t sure what had directed her there. For several minutes she sat outside, collecting her thoughts—and gathering her courage.
When she’d composed herself, blown her nose and dried her eyes, she walked to his front door and rang the doorbell. Ralph answered, looking pleased to see her.
“Good morning. You’re out and about early. I was just getting ready to leave for work.”
She forced a smile. “Have you got a minute?”
He nodded. “Come on in.” He paused and seemed to remember that they were now an engaged couple. He leaned forward and lightly brushed his lips across her cheek.
“I should have phoned first.”
“No. I was just thinking that this afternoon might be a good time for us to look at engagement rings.”
Jill guiltily dropped her gaze and her voice trembled. “That’s very sweet.” She could barely say the words she had to say. “I should explain…the reason I’m here—”
Ralph motioned her toward a chair. “Please, sit down.”
Jill was grateful because she didn’t know how much longer her legs would support her. Everything seemed so much more difficult in the light of day. She’d been so confident before, so sure she and Ralph could make a life together. Now she felt as though she were walking around in a heavy fog. Nothing was clear, and confusion greeted her at every turn.
She took a deep breath. “There’s something I need to explain.”
“Go ahead.” Ralph sat comfortably across from her.
She was so close to the edge of the chair she was in danger of slipping off. “It’s only fair you should know.” She hesitated, thinking he might say something, but when he didn’t, she continued, “I met a man in Hawaii.”
He nodded gravely. “I thought you must have.”
His intuition surprised her. “His name…Oh, it doesn’t matter what his name is. We went out a couple of times.”
“Are you in love with him?” Ralph asked outright.
“Yes,” Jill whispered slowly. It hurt to admit, and for a moment she dared not look at Ralph.
“It doesn’t seem like a lot of time to be falling in love with a man. You were only gone a week.”
Jill didn’t tell him Jordan was in Hawaii only three days. Nor did she mention the two brief times she’d seen him since. There was no reason to analyze the relationship. It was over. She’d made certain of that when she told him she was marrying Ralph. She’d never hear from Jordan again.
“Love happens like that sometimes,” was all she could say.
“If you’re so in love with this other guy, then why did you agree to marry me?”
“Because I’m scared and, oh, Ralph, I’m sorry. I should never have involved you in this. You’re a wonderful man and I care for you, I really do. You’ve been a good friend and I’ve enjoyed our times together, but I realized this morning that I can’t marry you.”
For a moment he said nothing, then he reached for her hand and held it gently between his own. “You don’t need to feel so guilty about it.”
“Yes, I do.” She was practically drowning in guilt.
“Don’t. It took me about two minutes to realize something was troubling you last night. You surprised me completely when you started talking about getting married.”
“I surprised you?”
“To be honest, I assumed you were about to tell me you’d met someone else and wouldn’t be seeing me anymore. I’ve known for a long time that you’re not in love with me.”
“But I believed that would’ve changed,” Jill said almost desperately.
“That’s what I figured, too.”
“You’re steady and dependable, and I need that in my life,” she said, although the rationale sounded poor even to her own ears. True, if she married Ralph she wouldn’t have the love match she’d always dreamed about, but she’d told herself that love was highly overrated. She’d decided she could live without love, live without passion—until Jordan showed up on her doorstep. And this morning, Shelly had told her what she already knew. She couldn’t marry Ralph.
“You’re here because you want to call off the engagement, aren’t you?” Ralph asked.
Miserably, Jill nodded. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. That’s the last thing I want.”
“You haven’t,” he said pragmatically. “I figured you’d call things off sooner or later.”
“You did?”
He grinned sheepishly. “You going to marry this other man?”
Jill shrugged. “I don’t know.”
“If you do…”
“Yes?” Jill reluctantly raised her eyes to his.
“If you do, would you consider subletting your apartment to me? Your place is at least twice as big as mine, and your rent’s lower.”
Despite everything, Jill started to laugh. Leave it to Ralph, ever practical, ever sensible, to brush off a broken engagement and ask about subletting her apartment.
The week that followed was one of the worst of Jill’s life. She awoke every morning feeling as though she hadn’t slept. She was depressed and lonely. Several times she found herself close to tears for no apparent reason. She’d be reading a prescription and the words would blur and misery would grip her heart with such intensity she’d be forced to swallow a sob.
“Jill,” her supervisor called early Friday afternoon, walking into the back room where she was taking her lunch break. “There’s someone out front who wants to talk to you.”
It was unusual for anyone to visit her at work. She immediately feared it was Jordan, but quickly dismissed that concern. She knew him too well. She was out of his life. The instant she’d told him she was engaged to Ralph, he’d cut her out, surgically removed all feeling for her. It was as if she no longer existed for him.
But as she’d been so often lately, Jill was wrong. Jordan stood there waiting for her. His gaze was as hard as flint. Something flickered briefly in the smoky-gray depths, but whatever emotion he felt at seeing her was too fleeting for Jill to identify.
She’d had far less practice at hiding her own feelings, and right now, they were wreaking havoc with her pulse. With great effort she managed to remain outwardly composed. “You wanted to speak to me?”
A nerve twitched in his jaw. “You might be more comfortable if we spoke elsewhere,” he said stiffly.
Jill glanced at her watch. She had only fifteen minutes of her lunch break left. Time enough, she was sure, for whatever Jordan intende
d. “All right.”
Wordlessly, he walked out of the drugstore, obviously expecting her to follow, which she did. He paused beside his car, then turned to face her. A cool, disinterested smile slanted his mouth.
“Yes?” she said after an awkward moment. She folded her arms defensively around her middle.
“I need you to explain something.”
She nodded. “I’ll try.”
“Your friend Shelly Brady was in to see me this morning.”
Jill groaned. She hadn’t talked to Shelly since the morning she’d dropped off the wedding dress. Her friend had phoned several times and left messages, but Jill hadn’t had either the energy or the patience to return the calls.
“How she managed to get past security and my two assistants is beyond me.”
It was a nightmare come true. “What did she say?” As if Jill needed to know.
“She rambled on about how you were making the worst mistake of your life and how I’d be an even bigger fool if I let you. But, you know, if you prefer to marry Roger, then that’s your prerogative.”
“His name is Ralph,” she corrected.
“It doesn’t make any difference to me.”
“I didn’t think it would,” she said, keeping her gaze lowered to the black asphalt of the parking lot.
“Then she started telling me this ridiculous story about a legend behind a certain wedding dress.”
Jill’s eyes closed in frustration. “It’s a bunch of nonsense.”
“It certainly didn’t make too much sense, especially the part about the dress fitting her and her marrying Mark. But she insisted the dress also fits you.”
“Don’t take Shelly seriously. She seems to put a lot of credence in that dress. Personally, I think the whole thing’s a fluke. You don’t need to worry about it.”
“Then she told me an equally ridiculous tale about a vision she had of you in Hawaii and how happy you looked. It didn’t make any more sense than the rest.”
“Don’t worry,” she said again. “Shelly means well, but she doesn’t understand. The wedding dress is beautiful, but it isn’t meant for me. The whole thing is ridiculous—you said so yourself, and I agree with you.”
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