by Katee Robert
She took a shuddering breath, half sure that he’d break and tell her that she was wrong, that that wasn’t what he meant at all, that he loved her for who she was, not for the penance she represented. But the seconds stretched into a full minute, and the full minute into three, and he didn’t do anything but look at her with that damned guilt written all over his face.
“You’re right. Fuck, you’re right. I don’t know what I was thinking.” He finally moved toward the kitchen. “You can have the master bedroom tonight, but I think it’s best we go our separate ways tomorrow.”
This was it. It was really happening. Instead of telling her that he loved her, he was all but admitting that he loved his guilt more. Hope shook despite her best effort to maintain control over herself. She wasn’t the only woman who’d been dumped by her boyfriend while pregnant with his child, but she’d never thought Daniel would do something like this—especially since he’d all but clubbed her over the head and demanded she stay in Devil’s Falls and his house. He had been the one driving this from day one, overriding her concerns and her fears, and now he was going to turn around and repeat history?
Her throat tried to close, but she’d be damned before she cried another tear because of Daniel Rodriguez.
Hope pushed her shoulders back and her chin up, holding it together by the skin of her teeth. “I don’t think that’s a good idea. Excuse me.” She sent a text to Jessica as she walked slowly into the spare room and packed up her seriously small number of things. She could feel Daniel’s presence in the house even if she didn’t see him as she made her way to the front of the house.
She paused at the door. “My child will not be named John, by the way, regardless of gender.”
The she walked out and didn’t look back, not once.
Chapter Sixteen
“Do you want me to kill him? I can most definitely kill him.”
“You can’t kill him because I’m going to kill him.”
Calling Jessica had seemed like a good idea at the time, but now Hope was starting to doubt the intelligence of her plan. She hadn’t been thinking—she’d just been reacting. But no matter her logic, she hadn’t expected to show up at Jessica’s place and find Daniel’s cousin Jules. Jules looked ready to chew through the walls when she heard how things had fallen out with Daniel, and she paced around the large living room, coming up with one plan, discarding it, and coming up with an even wilder and more elaborate one. Jessica was right there with her, egging her on.
It just made Hope so damn tired.
She wrapped a knitted throw blanket around her shoulders and curled up on the couch. Maybe if she didn’t move too much, the women would forget she was here and wander back to their own lives. It was a crappy plan, but today had been filled with all sorts of crappy plans. She rested her chin on her knees and sighed, just a little.
I never wanted this. I never wanted to have everything I ever dreamed of dangled in front of me and then taken away just when I finally got to the point where I actually believed it was happening.
“Hope?”
She blinked and looked up to find Jules crouched in front of her. The concern written across the other woman’s face didn’t make her feel the least bit better. “Yeah?”
“Is there something we can do—aside from plan for the inevitable death of my idiot cousin? You look kind of peaky, and I can’t tell if it’s I’ve-just-been-dumped peaky or oh-my-God-the-baby peaky.”
Hope pressed her hand to her stomach, fear beating in her throat. “I…” She forced herself to take a deep breath and think. She didn’t even have a doctor’s appointment for another month. She felt like death walking, but that was 100 percent emotional. Physically she was fine. Hungry, as always, but fine. She tried for a smile and failed miserably. “I’m okay.”
“You’re not, but that’s okay.” Jules squeezed her hand and then stood. “Why don’t you get some rest? If you keep sitting here while Jessica and I plot, you’ll be accessory to murder and my… What would this baby be? Second cousin? First cousin once removed?”
Hope blinked. “I don’t actually know.”
“Minor details.” Jules urged her to her feet and turned to Jessica. “Where are you putting her up?”
The feeling she had of her life spinning wildly out of control only got worse as the night went on. She hadn’t had time to process, which might be a blessing, but the very last thing she wanted to do was have the meltdown she could feel threatening with witnesses present. Hope carefully extracted her hand from Jules. “If it’s all the same, I’ll walk myself up to the spare bedroom.” She stood on wobbly legs, hating her weakness, and walked to the stairs with as much confidence as she could muster. She doubted the show did a damn thing to convince the women behind her that she wouldn’t cry herself to sleep, and she knew if she looked back, they’d have sympathetic expressions on their faces.
She didn’t care.
She’d spent the last thirteen years trying to keep from going under, and she’d be damned before she started now.
Except…
That thought, that deep-seated anger that she never let anyone see, had been useful when she was eighteen and had woken up to realize the world had changed in an instant. It had gotten her through the worst pain of her life, emotionally and physically, and kept her from giving in to the sorrow that made her want to curl up into a ball and cry until things went back to how they used to be. She’d been forged in the flames and come out stronger on the other side.
Except that wasn’t really the truth.
The truth was she’d never stopped hurting. She’d never stopped missing John, though the grief became manageable at some point while she wasn’t looking. She’d never stopped missing her ability to run marathons like she used to, to feel her body flagging and know that it was something to push through because she was almost there.
She’d never stopped mourning the loss of Daniel’s love.
Hope stopped at the top of the stairs, pressing a hand to her chest, the truth almost sending her to her knees. She’d told him the truth when she’d said she never stopped loving him. Even now, even knowing it would never work, that their reasons for trying to make this work were the very definition of irreconcilable differences, she loved him.
That knowledge burned her rage to ash, leaving Hope, pregnant and alone, in its wake.
She made it to the bedroom and closed the door softly behind her. Somehow she managed to get to the bed and burrow beneath covers that smelled faintly of lavender and vanilla. She curled up, placing her hands on her stomach. There was no freaking change in the last few hours, but she imagined she could feel the life growing there all the same.
He’s going to miss this. The sleepless nights. The morning cuddles. All the firsts. He’s going to miss everything.
Maybe I shouldn’t have walked away…
But all she could see was his face when he’d said they should name their baby John. Pain arrowed through her chest, and she had to press a pillow against her face to muffle the sob that escaped. This baby deserved more than to be thought of as some kind of penance. She deserved it, too. Was it too much to ask that he be with her because he loved her, rather than because he was punishing himself for John’s death?
Apparently so.
Another sob escaped, tearing itself from her throat, quickly followed by a third. A cry rose up inside her, desperate to be voiced.
A hand touched her head, and she startled. She’d been so focused on keeping as quiet as possible that she hadn’t realized someone had come into the room. She looked up, shock breaking through her meltdown. “Mom.”
“Jessica called me.” Her mom sat on the edge of the bed. “I always liked that girl.”
Her mom was here. Which meant…
She knew everything.
Her mom smoothed back her hair, the move harking back to her childhood—and to
her months in recovery. She looked down at Hope with dark eyes so similar to her own. “I’m sorry, honey. More sorry than you can know. You deserve better than this. You always have.”
There was no judgment in her tone, nothing but empathy and a desire to make everything right. Just like she always had. Hope’s mom was a fixer. She saw a problem and she went in with elbow grease and sheer willpower and muscled the things around her into submission. Being so helpless after the car crash had broken something in her, something she’d never quite gotten back. That didn’t stop her from trying, though.
Part of Hope wanted to blame her mom for the fight with Daniel, for exposing her weakness so thoroughly, but the truth was if Daniel had really been willing to put her first, he wouldn’t have broken at the first opportunity. He hadn’t fought for her.
Just like he hadn’t fought for her thirteen years ago.
“Why aren’t I enough for him? Why does it always have to be about John, or about what he thinks he took from me? All he can focus on is the past.” She clenched her teeth, but it only made her chest hurt worse to keep the words inside. So, for the first time in far too many years, she let it out. “He loves his guilt more than he loves me.”
“He’s not a bad man.” Her mom kept up that soothing motion, smoothing her hair back.
“You don’t like him.” It came out too accusing, but she couldn’t take the words back. “You never forgave him.”
“That’s my burden to bear. Not yours.” Her mom’s mouth tightened slightly. “It’s easier to forgive something done to you than something done to someone you love—especially a child. John wasn’t his fault. You know it. I know it. What he did to you…”
A crazy part of her couldn’t stop from defending him. “He blames himself for John.”
“He blames himself for a lot of things.”
She let out a shuddering breath. It didn’t ease the burning in her eyes one bit. “I don’t know how to do this. I just want to shake him until he sees that he’s going to miss out on the future that could have been ours because he’s so focused on whipping himself for the past.”
“You have to let it go.”
She jerked back. “What?”
Her mom’s eyes were nothing but kind. “Honey, you have this amazing ability to put your mind to something and make it into a reality. It’s an asset, though sometimes I worry about your motivations.” She held a hand up. “But that’s neither here nor there. My point is that Daniel isn’t a problem to be fixed. He’s a person. You can’t change him if he doesn’t want to be changed.”
She knew that. Of course she knew that. But it was so incredibly hard to let go of the dreams she’d allowed herself to paint for their future. Dreams where they got married, settled into that little farmhouse they’d always talked about, and had half a dozen beautiful children. “I want it—him—so badly.”
“I know, honey.” Her mom gathered her to her chest and hugged her tight. “But life rarely cares about what we want.”
Loss made her sick to her stomach. “I don’t know if I can be a single mom.”
“You can do anything you set your mind to. You’ll love your baby with everything you have, and that child will want for nothing.” Her mom kissed the top of her head. “And if Daniel decides to be in the baby’s life—”
“He will.” She might not be certain of anything else, but she was certain of that. “He might not want me, but he wants our baby.” And she wouldn’t stand in his way, no matter how his rejection hurt. “He’ll be a good daddy.”
Her mother’s mouth tightened. “Likely, yes. But you deserve more than a man who will be with you for a baby. You deserve to be with a man who puts you first. And Daniel never will.”
No, he wouldn’t. Not when he could put his grief and guilt before all others.
Tonight. She’d give herself tonight to mourn the life she’d never have. And then, tomorrow, she’d wake up and get back to facing down the world. Dallas seemed cold after being in Devil’s Falls, so maybe she’d look into moving a bit closer—to San Antonio to be closer to her parents. Staying where she had minimal support system just to prove a point was sheer idiocy.
Hope opened her eyes, staring out the bedroom window to where the stars winked at her. “I’m going to be okay.” Every other time she’d said those words, they felt like a promise.
Right now they felt like a lie.
…
“Well, you’ve gone and fucked things up beyond repair, haven’t you?”
Daniel had never hated living in a small town as much as he did in that moment. People knew where to find him far too easily. If he was in a big city, he could blend into the crowds until no one bothered to look sideways at him. No one bothered to meddle.
He opened another beer without looking at Adam and frowned at Ollie. “Some guard dog you are.”
“This house only has room for one guard dog.”
Him. He transferred his glare to his best friend. “Bite me.”
“Wrong again.” Adam dropped into the chair next to him and snatched the beer out of his hands. “What the hell were you thinking?”
Word sure as fuck got around fast. Daniel checked his watch. “It’s been less than twenty-four hours. How the hell did you find out?”
“You know your cousin. She’s got feelers all over this town.” Adam motioned with his fingers. “Hope went to Jessica Stroup’s after your fight, and Jessica called in Jules as reinforcements.” He sent Daniel a significant look. “She also called Mrs. Moore.”
Just like that, he was back in that perfectly white room hearing the woman condemn him with a few well-placed words. You love your guilt more than you love my daughter. It merged with the look of betrayal on Hope’s face right before she walked out of his life. He rubbed the heel of his hand over his chest. “I don’t know where it went wrong.” He continued before Adam could tell him he’d fucked up again. “No, that’s a lie. It went wrong right around the time I got behind the wheel thirteen years ago.”
“For fuck’s sake.” Adam took a swig of the beer and set it aside. “You’re the one who gave me the kick in the ass I needed to stop being a self-fulfilling prophecy. I didn’t realize we were going to have to switch roles.” Adam reached over and scratched Ollie behind her ear. “That accident fucked us all up. Every single one of us. But let me ask you something—”
“I don’t want to hear it.” Daniel pushed to his feet, driven by the pent-up tangle of emotions poisoning him. “This shit… I keep hurting her, Adam. It doesn’t matter what I do or how I do it, I keep hurting Hope.” What if I hurt our baby the same way? He scrubbed a hand over his face. “Maybe it’d be best if I just got the hell out of everyone’s lives.”
He opened his eyes at the sound of clapping and frowned at Adam giving him a standing fucking ovation. “What the hell?”
“Are you done with your pity party?”
“It’s not a fucking pity party. It’s the truth.”
“It’s the truth you’re forcing. Once upon a time, you told me that I just needed to break the cycle. Well, man, look in the mirror.” With one last pat of Ollie’s head, he started down the porch steps, delivering a parting shot over his shoulder. “But are you really going to be okay with Hope settling down with some other guy and your baby being raised calling someone else Daddy? Because that’s what’s going to happen if you don’t pull your head out of your ass. She might love the shit out of you, but Hope lands on her feet. This time won’t be any different. The only choice is whether you’re at her side when she does.” And then he was gone, climbing into his old truck and taking off down the driveway in a cloud of dust.
“Bastard always did like to make an exit.” Daniel dropped back into his chair and stared at the horizon, his thoughts tumbling over themselves and getting nowhere. He wanted to call Adam and rail at him, to tell him that he had no fucking idea what Daniel was
going through. But it would be a lie. Out of his two friends, Adam knew better than Quinn. He always had. They both had a vein of guilt that ran deep, though the source wasn’t the same. Adam had managed to put his aside.
Daniel wasn’t sure he could.
Hope deserved better than him. He’d known it from the time he was a teenager, and that hadn’t stopped him from pursuing her then. Hell, it hadn’t stopped him the last few weeks, either.
Ollie whined, and he scratched her behind the ears, earning a lick. “It’s not that easy.”
But the truth of it was, he was the only thing standing in his way.
Hope had already proven that she was willing to set aside the past and give him the benefit of the doubt. Her mother might not, but he wasn’t trying to have a relationship with her mother. That said, Lisa Moore had some good fucking points. He sighed.
The thing was, he didn’t totally see his baby as a way to recoup what was lost. Or at least, that wasn’t the driving force behind his pushing for Hope to give him another shot. Not when he really thought about it.
The truth was he wanted her in his life and in his bed. He loved her. Fuck, the last few days since they told their families about the pregnancy had been the happiest of his life. He’d actually wanted to cook for her, and he’d spent the days looking forward to coming home and finding her there, working or cooking or doing her yoga in the backyard. His shitty little house had started to feel like a home, and it was all because of Hope.
And he’d gone and fucked it up.
Daniel pushed to his feet, startling Ollie. “Sorry, girl.” He reached for his phone and then hesitated. A call wasn’t going to cut it. He’d let Hope Moore slip out of his life thirteen years ago, and he couldn’t live with himself if he did it a second time.