by Tiffani Lynn
After a quick conversation and some information, Javier promises to get right on it and let me know what he finds. It’s odd that I feel better with him on the case. Rajesh is a good detective, but Darrien’s case isn’t the only one he has. With some concentrated effort and someone who can work around the system, we may find something to help.
At the end of the week, Jess and I are out alone, practicing shooting at the target, when she pauses and turns to me. “I think it’s time to go home. Javier found Vogler yesterday camped out at his mom’s house a couple of hours away. You are with me when I’m not working and honestly, I’m just tired of hiding. We can’t stay here forever.”
“I know you’re right, but we still don’t know who bailed Vogler out or why, and something about that bugs me. I’ve lost so much; I don’t think I could lose you again and especially not the way we lost Darrien.”
“It’s going to be okay. For the first time in a long time, I feel like we'll be alright. Please? I love your family and this farm, but I’m ready to go home and back to work. I just can’t hide forever.”
“I’m giving you what you want against my better judgement, but I understand why. It’s been nice staying here and helping my sister get back on her feet, but I wouldn’t mind some alone time that didn’t require whispers and faces in pillows to keep the noise down.”
She giggles and leans in to kiss me quickly before finishing off her clip. Her aim is damn near perfect after being out here so much since we arrived. It makes my heart proud.
Nineteen
Jess
After I talk Wes into going back home, we negotiate one more night so we can plan dinner with his sister and Paulina and Tommy. I know he needs to get his fingers on the pulse of their household to know it’s okay for him to leave. I don’t blame him; after encountering Dan at his girlfriend’s house and hearing how he wasn’t seeing his kids or paying child support, I wasn’t comfortable leaving without confirmation either.
This whole time we’ve been in Nebraska has kind of been a reset for Wes and me, which is not something I ever dreamed would happen. Hell, who am I kidding? I didn’t ever think anything in the last month would happen, but it has. In a weird way, Darrien’s case becoming active again has sort of given back to me what it originally took away. Meaning Wes and me.
His parents went to bed about thirty minutes ago and we are curled up on the couch, talking quietly about a variety of things when I decide to ask questions I’ve been afraid to ask for a long time. “What was it like in Afghanistan? Is that something I can even ask?”
“Yeah, you can ask. Dave, my counselor, helped me get to this point. When I came back when Darrien died, I was so raw I couldn’t talk about any of it, but now I can. Afghanistan was sandy, dusty and either super-hot or frigid. Some nights I’d wake up in a cold sweat, with my stomach knotted up with dreams of boots crunching in the gravel, or guys screaming for me or their mothers. I’m proud of the time I was over there, but there are parts of me that will never heal. There is a soul-deep pain that stays with you when you’ve held a dying man in your arms.
“When I got back and Darrien was gone and we were splitting up, I would wonder why I lived. Why didn’t I die instead of one of those guys who had kids? My head was so fucked up, Jess. Dave said that because I’m a quiet person, I tend to lock things down and sit on them like an egg. You would think that would be good because then I wasn’t going into fits of rage and destroying things or killing people, but he said the pressure would build over time and I would eventually lose my shit in a way that would be catastrophic.”
“What were the guys you were deployed with like?”
“Most of them were good guys. We had a couple of douchebags. Guys who thought they were better than everyone else. Most of us were all hopped up on testosterone, with our hearts racing and our hands sweating, ready to fire our weapons if anyone breathed funny. We were all a bunch of men who were scared down to our bones, but too macho to admit it. I mean, how could we not be? One minute, we’re wrestling around like we’re on a playground and the next, we’re trapped in a busted-up building in the dead of night, curled in a corner, praying for daylight and reinforcements.”
“Sounds scary.”
“Sometimes, yeah. Other times we’d sit around and play cards and talk about home. Fitz, my buddy from New Jersey, was always talking about this girl from back home that he was in love with. The guy spent years watching her from afar, too afraid to ask her out. He was planning to go home and finally ask her out. I guess he figured after what we saw and went through, there was no reason to be afraid now.”
“Did he ever ask her out?” I ask, hopeful for the man’s happy ending.
“Nah. He didn’t make it. Stepped on an IED.”
“That’s terrible,” I respond, quieter. It so easily could have been Wes.
“Yeah, there are a lot of those stories. But there are a few good ones too. Like this kid from San Diego. We called him Flipper because he always talked about surfing the waves. He got married right before he deployed. He and his wife were both so damn young, barely able to drink, but crazy in love. She wrote to him every week and filled him in on anything and everything. Always sending extra snacks and stuff for us. A few months after he joined us, she sent a sonogram picture. She was pregnant with their first child, a boy.” He chuckles softly.
“Never seen a young man so happy. The baby was born while we were deployed but when he went home, they picked up right where they left off, with the little guy as an addition. They’re still together as far as I know, and last I heard, they had two more kids, both girls.”
“That’s a much better story.”
“Yeah, there are two sides to that coin. There were guys like me who came back and screwed up their lives, and ones who came back like Flipper and held on with both hands, enjoying every moment. That place changes you, all the way down to the very fiber of your being. Instead of coming back thankful and content, I returned angry and confused. I had nightmares every night.”
“I remember those. I was having my own at the time, but I recall what it was like.”
“Those got worse for a while after I moved out. I even had a neighbor call the cops to check on me because they thought there was a domestic situation in my apartment. The cop that responded to the call was a former Marine. He gave me the number for Dave. It took me another month before I called.”
“I’m glad you did.”
“Me too. Not only did it help, but Dave’s become a good friend.” He shifts and looks over at me. “Let’s head to bed. I want some more privacy.”
I grin at him and get up from my spot and head down the hallway to his childhood bedroom.
Once I’m in my sleep T-shirt, he says, “Kill the light and come on over here, sweetheart.”
I smile as I turn out the light and slip in bed on top of him, starfish style. I rest my ear over his heart on his bare chest, and the little hairs tickle my cheek. His muscles are tight like he’s nervous or concerned and his heart is beating faster than usual.
“I’ve got a few things to say and I want you to be quiet until I’m done. If you count my time on deployment, we’ve been apart for six years. Sure, I came back from Afghanistan when Darrien died, but we were both checked out mentally, so that doesn’t count. These have been the longest and worst years of my life. I’m sorry I was such a mess when you needed me most. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you and I’m sorry I left instead of trying to work it out. I understand if you don’t want to forgive me because I’m not sure I will ever forgive myself, but I had to say it. To let you know that leaving you to deal with Darrien’s death, and just leaving you in general, is my biggest regret in life.
“With everything happening over the last several weeks and the way we’ve handled it together, I’m reminded of what a great team we used to be, and I want to ask for a second chance. I don’t want this to end when the danger dies down and life returns to normal. I want you back and I want to prove to you I�
��m a better man than I was, that I’m capable of being all that you need. The question is, do you want me back? Do you want that for us? Have you missed us?”
“Let me go in order by the way you laid it all out there. First, if you’re apologizing, so am I. You lost Darrien too, and you also lost a lot more than I could comprehend at the time. I’m sorry that I couldn’t see past my own grief to your pain and confusion.
“I’m sorry I locked you out and shut you down. Even if you had stayed, I’m not sure I would have let you help me through it though. I was so hell-bent on living in misery that I didn’t want anything to let the light in. I love that you got help, and when we get back, I’d like to do the same. I’m doing better than I was five years ago, but I have some things to deal with still, I think. Especially as more comes out about Darrien’s murder. I have missed you, missed us, missed all of this. Making love, visiting family, eating breakfast and dinner together, everything that comes with there being an us.
“When I tried to start dating again, I was looking for what we had. But even if all those guys didn’t turn out to be weirdos or losers, I still wouldn’t have been happy because they weren’t you. I wanted to talk to you about what happens when Darrien’s killer is convicted and life is supposed to return to normal but I was afraid that you wouldn’t want more with me again. That you would be happy going back to the way things have been for the last five years.
“I know I can be stubborn and outspoken, so I know I’m not easy to deal with. You’re the only one who ever seemed to be able to handle me just as I am. What I’m afraid of, though, is that we got divorced for a reason. I’ve heard people say that they got divorced for a reason and it makes no sense to go back to something they already failed at. So, that has me confused. What if we can’t make it again? I won’t survive a second split from you.”
“We split up because things were extreme for both of us in a way neither of us could control. We probably should have taken some time to talk about it all before we made it official, but in case you haven’t noticed, I talk a whole lot more than I used to.”
“Yeah, you always were the embodiment of the silent type.”
“I wasn’t capable of talking through anything back then. I didn’t even understand why I was having problems. I thought I just wasn’t man enough to hack it. I needed Dave to help guide me out of it and it had to be him because not only is he a former Marine with combat experience helping him understand firsthand how soldiers think and operate, but he also has professional training in dealing with feelings and emotions like mine.
“There was no way I could have sat down with you and explained my feelings or what the hell was going on with me, so you never could have understood. I think if we move forward with a little bit of help and all the love we have wrapped around each other right now, we can make it this time. I’m willing to fight to the death for it. I want you to think about it and decide if you can too.”
He kisses my hair and murmurs, “I’d like nothing more than to make love to you right now, but I’m sick of going about it quietly, so I’m hoping you can wait until we get back home.”
I turn my face and kiss his chest. “Yeah, I guess I can wait that long.”
He chuckles and holds me close until we both fall asleep. I don’t answer him because he obviously wants me to think about it, but he’s right, we can do this with a little bit of help.
The next evening, as we sit around the dinner table listening to the kids chatter on about school and their friends, I notice that everyone keeps casting odd glances at Wes and me. It’s like they all want to say something but they’re too chicken. Wes must pick up on it too because he finally sets his fork down, tilts his head and raises his eyebrows. “Anyone want to tell me what’s going on?”
They all glance at each other before his dad answers. “Nothing’s going on, son.”
“Then why does everyone keep looking at us funny? Like there’s some kind of secret you want to share.” Again, they all look at each other but no one speaks.
Finally, Paulina gives an exaggerated sigh. “Everyone wants to know if you and Aunt Jess are back together or not. They’re afraid to ask, in case it starts a fight.”
I break out laughing. I can’t help it. I bet they’ve been walking on eggshells all week long, wondering what the hell is going on, but too afraid to ask. I can just picture them whispering to each other every time we’re out of earshot. Wes glances over at me and grins as I keep laughing. Finally, I grab his hand and encourage him. “You should put them out of their misery.”
He looks over at Paulina. “You were the only one tough enough to ask?”
“Yeah, I guess so,” she responds sheepishly.
This time he busts up laughing in a way that’s so out of character that everyone joins in. Wes pushes back in his chair and doubles over, howling with laughter. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen him laugh this hard. He’s just not a man who shows a ton of emotion and this is way above and beyond.
Finally, he sits up and wipes some tears away from his eyes and with a huge grin says, “Yes, we’re back together. But even if we weren’t, it still would have been okay for you to ask. We’re going back for round two. We’ve worked a lot of things out and I think things will be better this time around.”
With that announcement, his mother’s tears turn from funny ones to happy ones and she jumps up from her chair and rushes around the table, pulling us both up and into a group hug. “I always prayed you two would find your way back to each other. I knew it would heal you both. I don’t know if I’ve ever been happier, outside of when the grandbabies were born.” She squeezes tight for a minute longer and finally lets go. “It’s a good thing I made a pie today to celebrate!”
Then we all laugh again because she always has a pie, celebration or not. After dinner, Maryann and I send everyone out of the kitchen so we can clean up. A few minutes into my washing and her drying the dishes, she says, “I’m so happy you’re back. For all of us, but mostly for my brother. If you thought he was a mess when he came back, you should have seen him after you two split. I wasn’t sure he was gonna make it.
“That guy Dave helped get him back on track. It took a long time and a lot of visits from us, we all took turns checking on him, but he finally mellowed out. Of course, he took on the appearance of a nineteen seventies serial killer, but inside he mellowed out.”
I pass her another dish to dry as I’m taking in this information. I’m not sure what I thought Wes was doing in the months and years after we separated, but I can’t imagine him like that.
Maryann continues. “One time about a year ago, Dad asked him if he was ready to start dating again and Wes said no, that it was never in his plans. He loves one woman and there wasn’t room for another. Dad left him alone after that. We know Wes well enough to know that once he has his mind made up, you won’t change it. I’m so glad he didn’t give up in his heart. You’ve always been part of our family and you always will be.”
“Thank you,” I tell her, moved to the core that they still consider me family, but more so that Wes never stopped loving me.
Twenty
Wes
The next day, we load up and head home. During the ride, a call comes in from Javier.
“Vogler is still at his mom’s house. In fact, he hasn’t left to even go to the store since he arrived. I had to send one of the guys there with a fake delivery to make sure he was still in the house. There was visual confirmation, so that’s good. We are a little closer to finding his bail-out benefactor. I’m hoping to have that information to you in the next day or so. A couple of my computer guys are digging as we speak. They’re pretty good, so I’m hoping for a definitive answer soon.”
“Okay, just call me when you get it. I don’t care if it’s three in the morning. I want to know. We’ve had enough of being in the dark with information. Thanks again.”
When Javier and I disconnect, Jess calls her boss. After a few heated minutes on the phone, Jess hangs up
. “They aren’t allowing me to come back to work until things settle down.” Her voice is seething with anger.
“Why?” I glance over and see that her cheeks are red and her eyes are narrowed. She’s deep-breathing to try and calm down, but I’ve seen her like this before and it’s going to take a lot to bring her back down.
“Because the hospital administrator feels like the case is a distraction. Apparently, they had to haul a reporter out of the ER the other night because he was sneaking around, trying to get information on me. There was more to it, but I’m so pissed. I didn’t ask for any of this to happen to me. How can they hold me responsible? What if I didn’t have a savings account and couldn’t afford to stay home? What would they do then? It’s bullshit.”
“Did they offer you leave with pay?”
“No. In fact, my boss said the hospital administrator was quite rude about the whole thing and her hands are tied. She’s now having to pull overtime to cover for me because they were already short-staffed, so she’s not happy either. I’ve been a loyal employee for fifteen years, so I can’t believe they’re treating me this way or that they can get away with it. I’m considering leaving. A friend of mine works at the other hospital across town and said she would love to have me whenever I’m ready to walk away.”
“Maybe you should call and set up an interview with her while you’re on leave. It can’t hurt to discuss other options with someone who might appreciate your loyalty.”
“I think you’re right. I need to call her when we get home and do that.”
Three days later Jess is prepping for an interview with Liza Monroe for a supervisor position in their emergency room. She was nervous last night about the interview because she hasn’t even applied for a new job in fifteen years. I remember when she got that job and her reaction was similar. I don’t know why she gets so nervous. Even though she’s outspoken at times, she still gets along well with the rest of the staff and gets excellent reviews.