by Lesley Jones
We sit and we chat and we catch up with what is going on in each of our lives. All of us apart from Jo are married with children. Jo has a thirty year old son; Sean. This is unbelievable really, as she has only just turned forty five herself. Yep, do the maths; her parents were thrilled when that news broke. Her boyfriend’s even less so. She had never married Sean's father and never really had any kind of relationship with him, his parents refused to let him have any contact with her or the baby and sent him to live interstate.
She has lived with a few men over the years but is single right now. It’s been around ten years since she had thrown out the last man to share her home. She runs her own very successful accountancy firm and unfortunately seemed to attract complete losers for a while, She had eventually seen the light with the last bloke she had lived with when she noticed the online shopping he was doing with her credit card was either on porn sites or buying sex toys. This would have been fine, except she had never got to watch the porn and the sex toys hadn’t been for her! She was happily single now and would just pick up a one night stand if she ever felt the need for sex. The men in question were generally boys, as in her words they were dumb and grateful and didn't want anything other than sex from her. Whatever works, I’ve always thought. Feeling just a little bit jealous of the freedom she has.
After four bottles and lots of chat we decide to move on to somewhere we can dance and being the age that we are, the last place we want to go is a nightclub full of kids falling all over the place so instead we head for a bar we know that stays open late and always has great live bands playing, with enough room to dance if we want to.
The bar is packed when we walk in to the sound of 'Is she really going out with him’ being sung by just about everyone in the place. Oh dear….70’s & 80’s night, this is going to be loud and we will probably get emotional at some stage too, that’s usually the way things went when the four of us and vast quantities of alcohol and songs from our formative years were involved, funny how music does that, evokes so many memories. Joe Jackson reminds me very much of my school days and growing up in London, well it was Essex really but since we moved to Australia it had been easier just to say London. Everyone has heard of London right? And this song and no doubt the rest of what would be played tonight just reminded me of England. Music was something that had helped get me through when we moved here in late 1980, I was 13 and very angry and made a conscious effort to only listen to music from the UK charts. My friends would send me mix tapes recorded straight from the radio and I would lay in my room listening to them and cry, desperate to go back to the place I loved….Home. Once I had my own children I came to realise why my parents had made the move, why they had wanted to get us out, to give us, what they hoped would be a better start, and it had been, it was, I have lived a life and done things my friends in Barking could only ever dream of….but at the end of the day, I was an Essex Girl and as the saying goes…You can take the girl out of Essex, But you will never take the Essex out of the girl….Jason has always said Essex is to blame for my smart mouth and he is probably right…let’s face it “Oh she’s very quiet, must be an Essex Girl” Is a sentence said by no one…ever …. But I also like to think it has given me that little something extra when it comes to my sense of style, that edge, the need to be just a little bit different, not just in my fashion sense, which always draws comments and something Jay had always loved about me, at least he had always told me he did, but who knows now days?…. But also in my work….people have always liked my interiors, mainly because I like to do something different, not way out weirdo different, just things that are not usually seen in Australia, well they are but maybe 2 years down the track. Phew, all that from one song, that’s what I mean about music evoking memories, good and bad. I really hope I can hold back the tears tonight, the lump I have in my throat is almost choking me right now
We make our way over to the bar area, order a round of shots to get us started and then our drink of choice: Vodka ... Me opting for my usual mix of lemonade with a twist of lime. We do the usual scan of the place, nod and smile at the faces we know and then move over to the edge of the dance floor, all of us now feeling relaxed, happy and in the mood to dance. The band starts playing a song I know and love ... The Clash....Should I Stay or Should I Go? And the irony isn’t lost on me, I swallow back the tears. The vodka tends to make me emotional…especially when mixed with wine…and cowboys. What? Please don’t make out this isn’t what all girls do on a girl’s night…well it’s a normal girl’s night to us. Anyway, emotions aside….. I’m not letting him spoil my night. So off comes the jacket and on come the dance moves.... And the singing... Oh the singing. I know I can’t sing, never have been able to but that fact has never been known to stop me and I pick up an empty beer bottle, holding it in front of me like a mic and start going for it at the top of my lungs. Jemma joins me and we know the looks of admiration we received as we walked in, are now stares of WTF but we don't care, we're having too much fun and I really need to vent. Should I stay or should I go is followed by an almost word perfect rendition of American pie, every verse! Luckily for the rest of the patrons the band is now stopping for a fifteen minute break. Jo is at the bar getting us another round of drinks and as I look over I can see she is talking to a bloke and I can’t help but smile. Jo is a joy to watch when she sets her sights on some poor young thing, she should hold classes…. ‘Cougar Classes’ Watch out Mornington…Jo Myer is on the prowl …Rarrrr
“Uh oh. Jo's on the pull lock up your sons”
“Naaa” says Lulu “He’s far too old for our Jo; he must be at least .... Thirty”
We all laugh at Jo’s expense, apparently a little too loudly as the bloke she is chatting to looks up and catches us all… WOW ... I’m not actually sure if I really have my mouth open as wide as it will go or if I’m just doing it mentally, in my head, I can only think…. WOW. The sight that beholds me... Is just ... He is just ... Perfection? Very tall, longish, dirty blonde coloured hair and even in the dimly lit bar, I can see he has the most amazing blue eyes....Yes definitely perfection!
“Loz, close your mouth...... Loz…... Lauren” Jemma elbows me
“What?” I snap, annoyed at her distraction, I can't unlock my eyes from his.
“Your mouth Lauren, Close. You’re. Mouth. It. Is. Wide. Open” She says each word slowly, as if addressing a child
“Fuck” How embarrassing. Did he notice, do I care? “Yes please” say Jemma and Lulu together, which results in the pair of them cackling with laughter like a couple of schoolgirls. Jo turns around from the bar and frowns at us as a reprimand. I actually feel annoyed with them too, not pleased with their interruption.
“Shit, I think we're being a bit loud, Jo's not looking happy”
The sex god leans forward and says something into her ear and they both look at me before she replies with a nod. He puts a couple of drinks on the tray she's holding, she shakes her head at him and then turns towards us carrying the tray loaded with shots.
“Surely she's is not knocking him back, he is fucking hot, hot, and hot” Lulu says as she watches Jo head towards us.
“Who the fuck is that?” Asks Jemma before Jo can even put the tray down. She laughs.
“Yeah, pretty easy on the eye isn't he? He’s actually one of three; the other two are just as fit but married unfortunately”
I say nothing as I know that he is still looking in our direction.
There is a gabble of noise and questions as the other two clamber for info, I am only half listening and have to tear my eyes from his unrelenting stare. “He's a client, well his company are clients, one of our biggest in fact” I keep sneaking little peaks but he is still just blatantly staring in our direction and I don’t want to get caught.
“He has a construction company that he runs with his brothers and sister, Jay probably knows of them Lauren, although they have expanded massively over the years, with jobs running all over the country nowadays and we manage th
eir accounts for them, he's names Gabe, Gabriel Wilde and I think he's about thirty five and yes.... He is daaayam fine. Anything else ladies?”
The three of us pipe up together
“Is he single?” and burst into a fit of laughter at our unison, Jo laughs saying “yes actually he is, very much so, he was married years ago and has a daughter but he’s been single for a while, although he love, love, loves the ladies and has a bad rep for being a womaniser. Actually, he just asked me Lauren, who you were.... And, he bought you a drink”
She passes me a shot and smiles
“What? What did you tell him?”... What. The. Fuck...
“Chill, I said he would have to ask you himself as I didn't give out personnel info on my friends and I wasn't going to break his heart by telling him you have been happily married for like a hundred years”
I’m suddenly overwhelmed by her words. The tension at home, the alcohol, this gorgeous man buying me drinks and all the pretending to be happy in front of my friends. I knock back my shot and burst into tears.....
For a few seconds there is total silence. They all stare at me, it’s like a delayed reaction, then they close in. Lulu puts her arm around my shoulder; Jo and Jemma stand either side, blocking anyone else's view of my tears.
“I fucking knew it, as soon as you walked in I knew something was up, what's going on Lauren, you haven’t been right for months, tell us what’s wrong and we don't want to hear any crap” Lu passes me a vodka, which I also knock straight back.
“Any one got a cigarette? Let's go outside for a smoke and I'll talk” Yeah, I’m well aware of the health implications, but I’m in crises here and I need a smoke. We all look at Jo, who is a sometimes social smoker
“Come on, I've got smokes”
We go out onto the veranda of the bar, which is the designated smoking area and all but Lulu light up a cigarette. After a couple of puffs, I begin to talk. I start by telling them how good sex, and things in general have always been between myself and Jay, they know this any way, we have all been friends for a long time and it’s a standing joke amongst them that Jay and I still fuck like rabbits, even after all these years but I just feel the need to point out the good aspects of my marriage, the positives, before I share with them all the bad shit. I then explain that my marriage has been on a downward spiral over the past couple of years and that for me at least, it was now over and I was going to leave him.
They all look stunned. Jemma is eying me, she knows there is more to it, she knows how much I have always been in love with my husband. Lulu starts rambling, something she does when she’s stressed or upset…
“But why Lauren? Surely things can’t be that bad, surely with some counselling or…something, you two are so good together, surely nothing can be that bad, that it can’t be fixed…. Oh no, my God, he’s not having an affair is he? No, he would never …. Shit, it’s not you is it? You haven’t met someone else have you? Shit Lauren, not an affair, you wouldn’t?”
Hang on ….this isn’t my fault…. I interrupt Lulu….
“He hurts me Lorraine, if you really must know, my husband physically hurts me, he pulls my hair, he smashes my head into walls, he kicks me, he physically and verbally abuses me and I have had enough and I am leaving him”
I’m so fucking angry with her for jumping to conclusions….about me…that I deliberately call her by her real name, Lorraine….knowing that she hates it! This is so hard…such a struggle for me to admit, without being questioned by a friend like this and I can’t hold it back, if they are going to doubt my motives and probably my sanity, then they need to hear the truth. So, there I have said it now, I have said it out loud, admitted to it, it’s no longer my dirty little secret.
It's possibly the quietest I have ever known the girls when we are all together. I knew Jemma would take it bad, she looks totally shell-shocked, she’s shaking her head and has started to cry. Jo offers another smoke to each of us. This time, even Lulu takes a cigarette...
Jemma is the first to speak “Fuck Lauren, why have you never told us, why have you put up with this, why haven’t you told us before now? I knew something wasn’t right but I never imagined this, fuck, we’re your friends and you didn’t tell us…why?” She raises her hand to cover her mouth and shakes her head.
“What a total Bastard” says Jo.
“I couldn’t Jem, I am so sorry, I just kept thinking, things would get better, and if you knew, if you knew the things he did to me, then you would judge him, and if we stayed together, well then, you would judge me for staying with him, I’m truly sorry”
“No, no, no” Lulu says… “No Lauren, I’m sorry, I don’t know why I said all of that, I’m just so shocked, I was trying to think of a reason why you would leave him but I never thought this….And please don’t call me Lorraine…ever” She smiles at me sweetly which makes me laugh
I give them all the details; telling them there has always been an element of violence to my marriage, right from the very start. But that now, well things were at a stage now, where I thought he might be more than capable of doing me some permanent damage!
Lulu puffs on her cigarette, looking at me...And after a few a moment says
“You have to leave him Loz, you can't stay there with him, what if one day he doesn't stop, what if one day he loses complete control? The boys aren't there now to protect you and if he's getting worse like you say, then you just can't take that chance”
“Lauren, I know you love him but this is wrong, what he's doing to you is wrong, you are doing the right thing you have to get out” Says Jem
“I know what I should do ladies but I'm shit scared and where will I go and what if he comes after me? I've tried to leave after fights before and he's always stopped me, I just don’t know what I’m going to do, I am definitely leaving him, but I have no idea where I am going to go”
“Do you have money?” asks Jo….Always the accountant….
“Not really, everything's in a joint account and he checks it every day. I have my secret stash but there's only a couple of thousand in there, I've had to send money to Sonny a few times, when he's been short”
“Well I'm sure that between us, we can come up with a bond and a deposit on a rental, if not, I will lend it to you, and you can stay with us until you get yourself sorted... But you need to get out of there Loz” Jemma says shaking her head as she speaks
“I’m sorry girls; I've totally put a downer on everyone's night now”
“Don't be daft” Jo says, “You have just given us a legit excuse to get totally hammered, not that we really needed one. But no matter what state we end up in tonight, we will meet up tomorrow and hit the agents and see if we can't find you somewhere to live, then, we'll know what sort of money we are gonna need, but remember Loz, as Jemma just said, there's always a bed for you with one of us”
Lulu gives me a cuddle and asks if I'm okay, I shrug, no I'm far from okay but I'm so over talking about it.
“Let’s be really mature and get fucked up and dance our arses off” shouts Jemma, lightening the tone.
Heading back inside, we order two rounds of shots for each of us, and then head straight back to the dance floor.
I have a quick look around for Mr. Hot Stuff and see him chatting to a woman so decide now wouldn’t be a good time for me to thank him for my drink. I feel a little stab of disappointment and maybe even a pang of jealousy as I watch them for a few moments, she seems to be pleading with him, and he's shaking his head. Oh well, it’s none of my business. Go home Lauren you’re drunk…but before I look away, our eyes meet and he raises his bottle to me, as if to say cheers, I do the same with my glass and give him a small smile as my insides do backflips and forward rolls, the young woman looks at him, looking at me and turns and walks away, he doesn't follow her, doesn't even look in her direction, he shrugs his shoulders and smiles again at me. A full on, beautiful, million dollar smile. Cart wheels and handstands have now joined the gymnastics floor show going on in
side me and every flip ends with a little clench, a delightful, little sensation, right between my legs, he is making me horny, just looking at him smile is making me breathe heavy. I have to force myself to look away. Shit I hope I haven't caused a domestic, the last thing I need is to get caught up in someone else's problems, I've enough of my own to keep me busy for a while. Half hour later as I'm returning from the ladies, I notices Jo is talking to him again. As I pass them Jo puts out her hand and calls,
“Lauren, come here” Oh shit, how embarrassing, don’t do this to me Jo, please.
“I was just going to the bar Hun, you want another?”
“Forget that and come here”
I walk over to where she's standing
“Lauren, this is Gabriel, a client of mine, Gabriel, this is Lauren, a very good friend”
“Hey” I say, “Thanks for the drink” feeling ridiculously self-conscious as I put my hand up in a stupid sort of little half wave…..What was that? I must have looked like a T Rex trying to catch a ball, shoot me now!
He smiles at me, not a big smile, just a small smile, his head slightly tilted to one side but it’s not the smile, it’s his eyes but not just his eyes, it’s just him. My hand goes up and touches my hair….Really? Classic flirting move. Could I be any more obvious? My cheeks are burning; in fact my whole body is on fire, embarrassment, alcohol, menopause, desire? I haven’t had sex in well over a month and I must admit, it has been on my brain constantly this past week or so, there is only so much pleasure a girl can get from a kinky romance novel and BOB. Its intimacy I crave, a kiss, a cuddle, skin on skin. I realise this is all running through my mind as I stare blankly at him, Gabriel, Gabriel Wilde, even his name is just, sex, everything about him is sex, everything about him is….Well whatever it is, it’s obviously affected my ability to think straight, or is that the Vodka?