Saviour

by Lesley Jones

  I start to pull the door open and bang, it’s kicked so hard it knocks me backwards, I feel a sharp crack under my jaw, my feet go from under me and my head hits the tiles.

  I get this image of a boxer in a ring, they've been almost knocked out, but instinct makes them keep trying to get up, I think that's what I'm doing, I think I'm trying to lift my head, I think I'm trying to stand, the room is spinning and everything is coming in and out of focus, I have a rushing sound in my ears, I can see a light in the distance, I think it’s the street light out on the road. Or it could be the moon, I don’t know, the street light, it looks like it’s up in the sky, why’s it up in the sky? My thoughts are blurred and confused and I have a pain somewhere but I can’t pinpoint exactly which part of my body it’s coming from. And then I hear a voice and quite literally, my blood runs cold.

  “I warned you, I fucking warned you but you wouldn't listen, who the fuck do you think you are, you cunt, don't you ever get your fucking boyfriend on the phone telling me that your his, who is he ehh? Fucking prick. Well I'm telling you, you will be mine, there's no part of you that's not mine, I own all of you and the only bits of you he can have are the bits I chose to let him have. I'll fucking show you and I'll show him, you fucking shit on me you slut and I’ll, I'll fucking shit on you... Na, you know what? I wouldn't even waste my shit on you, you’re not fucking worthy, this is all you’re worth, this and don't you ever forget it”

  And as I lay there, trying to drag myself back to consciousness, I'm even more confused, what is that, is he throwing water over me to bring me round, to try and wake me up? And just as I hear the gates opening on the drive, I realise what he's doing, I'm not worth shiting on he said, so he has pissed all over me instead, while I'm lying there on the floor, he has urinated all over my body, over my face and in my hair.

  “Just tell the cunt from me, your marked, your mine, every time he breaths in the air around you, he will smell me, because I fucking own you”

  He's gone. Out the door and he's gone, I can see the headlights stop on the drive, I have a ringing sound in my ears, is it a ringing sound, or is it a screaming sound? It is a screaming sound and as I see Gabe jump out of the Ute and run towards me, I realise the screaming sound is coming from me, it’s me, screaming as loud as I can!

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  I don't know where I went really, I was there but I wasn't, it was the only way I knew how to cope, I just sort of shut my brain down, I didn’t want to think, I didn’t want to feel, I didn’t want to remember what he had done to me so I just left for a bit, left it all behind. I sobbed and I begged him not to touch me, I felt so ashamed but he didn't listen, he got on the floor with me and held me and rocked me as he called for an ambulance. I knew I wasn't hurt, physically anyway so why did I need an ambulance? I wanted a bath or a shower, I wanted to take these clothes off, wash and scrub the smell of him away but now Gabe would have to have a bath too, otherwise it would still be there, the smell, of him and I didn't want that, not on Gabe, he's good, I don't want him tainted with the smell of Jason, of badness. So I kept screaming and trying to get up, to get to the bath but he was too strong and he just wouldn't listen. I remember the paramedics arriving and then I remember the police, why were the police here? They all kept asking me questions but I didn't want to talk, I wasn't going to tell them what he had done to me. I was overwhelmed by the shame, what sort of person was I, that another person would want to do this to me?

  Gabriel carried me to the ambulance and held me all the way to the hospital, he had no choice, I wasn't letting him go!

  They shone a light in my eye and felt around my head, they said I needed an X-ray but that meant Gabe would have to leave me and I couldn't let that happen so they gave me something, I don't know what, they injected it into a cannula in the back of my hand, I don't even know how that got there. Whatever they gave me, it was good, I relaxed and almost drifted off and they did the X ray. Then the police were there again and they wanted my clothes and I remember getting upset again. Gabe shouted, not at me but at the policeman I think and then Gabe and a nurse helped take my clothes off and he took off his hoodie and pulled it over my head. I kept saying sorry, why was I sorry, did I do something? I can't remember, I don’t want to remember. The police came back in and ketp asking what had happened but I couldn’t tell them, how can I say out loud what he has done? I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I remember is Gabriel laying me in the bath at home. It’s lovely and warm and full of bubbles. He uses the sponge and washes me, all of me, head to toe, while I sit on my bum, my knees pulled up under my chin, my arms wrapped around me and I just sob. I don't think there are even tears, just a sound and I think it’s something like a sob. I want to sleep so badly, to shut it all out, to never think or speak of this night again. I am out of the bath and wrapped in a towel, I can hear voices, Jo is here and then Jemma, Gabe puts me in my favorite fluffy jarmies and then combs my hair while I sit on the edge of the bath, then I am in bed and Jemma brings me some tea type stuff, it's that chamomile shit. Why doesn't she bring me wine or vodka I wonder? Ahhh the pills, good thinking Jem, alcohol, and pills, they’re not good together and I remember now, I know I have to take some tablets, the nurse said, I heard her I think and then finally, nothing, sleep, sleep.

  I wake quite alert considering. I am curled in a ball on my side and Gabe is curled right in tight next to me, his arm over and around me, his head almost on top of mine and then in a split second it hits me, it’s like that rush of air you get on the underground when the train is coming but instead of being warm its icy cold but at the same time it makes me burn, my blood turns to ice, my skin to fire and I can't breathe, I really can’t breathe and I am gasping, I need to vomit and I need some air. I’m trying to get up to get to the bathroom but as I stand my legs just give way, Gabe is up and off the bed so quickly, I don't really see him move, I can’t hold it down much longer but the power of speech seems to have deserted me, and I can’t move, I am already on my knees so I just lean forward and vomit, right there, in the bedroom, on the carpet, mortified. I actually think I am going to die, I just can’t seem to get enough air into my lungs, I am clinging to Gabe , staring at him, I need him to help me but I just can’t get any words out. I am in the middle of the worst panic attack and I can't speak. I beg him with my eyes but he knows, he knows what to do.

  “Breathe baby, breathe, Respirare bambino, respirare. In through your nose, not through your mouth, in through your nose, out through your mouth”

  He's rubbing my back and breathing with me, showing me what I need to do, he stays so calm, talking to me in Italian and English, I match my breathing to his, and after a few minutes the panic begins to subside. But now that I can get my breath, I start to make this god awful sobbing noise, it doesn’t sound like it’s coming from me. I sit up and just focus on getting air into my lungs and once my breathing slows, he leaves me and goes into the bathroom coming back with some towels and a glass of water, I rinse my mouth and climb back into bed, turn on my side and curl up in a ball, exhausted. That was beyond awful. I have had anxiety attacks before when my dad died but never anything like this.

  Gabe just throws the towels to cover where I have vomited; it’s mainly bile so it doesn't really smell of anything. He gets back into bed beside me and just holds me tight again, kissing and stroking my hair, whispering to me in Italian, telling me that he’s got me, that he’s always got me, soothing me. We must lie like this for half an hour until I feel myself begin to relax.

  “What happened Lauren, what did he do? Please tell me, I'm going out of my fucking mind here, imagining all sorts, please tell me, please talk to me, don't shut me out, I need to know”

  I turn around and look him, I reach out my hand and hold it against his face and as I blink a tear rolls down my cheek and onto the pillow, then from my other eye, another tear rolls over my nose and drips onto the pillow, he kisses them both away and locks me with his gaze, his eyes are steely blue and I can
feel the tension rippling through him, radiating out of him.

  “Please, if you tell me, I promise you won't have to talk about it again, I promise, not the police, nobody but I need to know”

  Oh god, I don't want to do this, I really do not want to talk about it, but I know I have to tell him, give him the details. I'm not sure if I'm putting him out of his misery, or making things worse, perhaps by talking things will seem a little better. I close my eyes and lick my dry lips.

  “I saw your wallet and thought it was you banging at the door, that you had come back for it, so I went to open the door but he kicked it and the force made me stagger backwards, then he hit me, right under my chin with the back of his hand I think and that knocked me to the floor and I cracked my head. I kept trying to get up but I was seeing stars and my legs just wouldn't work, then he was standing over me, just ranting, he was so angry, he was so angry Gabe, he was frothing at the mouth, he said I was his, I would always be his and just so me and you would never forget, he was leaving something to remind us, every time you breathe in the air around me, he said, he said he wants you to be reminded of him and for you to remember that I am his” I’m almost choking on my words, I’m struggling to get them out and air in, my tears are flowing and my nose is running and he’s there, crying right along with me, I take in a deep breath and continue “then, then he pissed all over me Gabe. He pissed over my head, my hair and my body. How could he? He loved me once, how can you do that to someone you once loved? I'm still his wife, we have children, babies, I carried his babies inside me, how could he do that to me?” I can't hold it together any more, I am talking through great heaving, racking, sobs, I just let the tears flow and I can barely breathe.

  “While I was down, lying on the floor, he pissed over me, like I was some kind of fucking animal, like I was just nothing”

  I close my eyes and draw in deep breaths, when I open them, the pain in his eyes nearly kills me, the tears are rolling down his cheeks as he sobs.

  “Fuck Lauren, fuck, I am so sorry, this is all my fault, if I hadn't of called him, if I hadn't of left my wallet behind, none of this would have happened, I just can't believe it. What sort of person does that? I want you to press every charge you can on him, he can't get away with this, he is seriously fucked in the head, and he’s fucking dangerous”

  I can't begin to even consider that and panic begins to set in again.

  “No, no, you said I wouldn't have to speak about it again, if I press charges, I will have to talk about it, I can’t, I can't, tell people, I don't want people to know what he did”

  My voice is getting higher as hysteria rises in me.

  “Okay, okay, shush, shush it’s okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, let's not talk about it now, will you eat something if I make it for you?”

  I really do not feel like food but I know he's not going to take no for an answer, the buzzer goes for the gates and Gabe gets up to answer it and buzz whoever it is in. I hear him talking downstairs to someone, and then it goes again. Jemma walks in. She says absolutely nothing, she just climbs into bed next to me and hugs me and we both have a cry.

  I can smell bacon cooking and I know what he's doing.

  “Who’s out there with Gabe?” I ask her

  “I don't know, he was talking to someone in the study I think, I came straight in here, how are you feeling? If you don't want to talk, that's fine, I just need to know you’re okay, at least you’re lucid and coherent this morning, I had visions of having you committed last night”

  She holds out her hand to me and I take it and squeeze

  “I don't even remember seeing you last night. I am trying really hard not to remember last night full stop”

  “I am sorry Hun, I'm just glad your back with us”

  She smiles at me before continuing “Have you had your brekkie yet? That bacon smells good, I might go and ask Gabe to make me a sanga, d’you want one?”

  “I know what you’re doing Jem. I KNOW WHAT YOUR DOING GABRIEL” I shout loudly, hoping that he can hear me. He appears in the bedroom doorway holding a crispy rasher of bacon in each hand and wafts them around.

  “DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN” he shouts back at me, actually managing to bring a smile to my face.

  “Come here Wilde” I say to him. He walks over to the bed as Jemma walks out the door, calling behind her, “I'm going to make a sandwich, is that okay?”

  “Knock yourself out” we say in unison.

  “Awwwww you two are tooo cute, you really should think about hooking up”

  Gabe climbs onto the bed next to me and eats one of the rashers of bacon. Offering me the other, I open my mouth like a baby bird and he quite literally shoves it in, yum, it actually tastes good

  “Good girl. You feeling a bit better baby?” I shrug, am I? I don't know how I feel, devastated is the only word that springs to mind.

  “I'm okay as long as I don't think about it, I think last night and this morning, were just shock, I can’t believe he would do something like that, the things he said and what he did, I know this sounds wrong but I would rather he hit me than do that, I feel so humiliated, degraded, ashamed, shit Gabe, what's going to happen, are the police after him?”

  “The police have him, you obviously couldn't tell them a lot last night, but we managed to get out of you that it was Jason and that he had hit you, we worked out the rest for ourselves, the police took your clothes for DNA evidence but just the fact that he stepped inside the house changes the charges. He will probably go to prison for this Lauren”

  This is not what I want to hear, despite everything, I still don't have it in me to send him to prison, I know this isn't what Gabe’s going to want to hear. He raises his eyebrows and the look in his eyes lets me know he’s really not happy with what I’ve just said.

  “Lauren you need to know, if the police hadn’t of got hold of him so soon, he probably wouldn't be alive this morning and it would be me locked up”

  He studies my face, looking for a reaction; his jaw is so tense I can see a nerve twitching every so often

  “He came to our house Lauren, our home, somewhere you should be safe, he came in here and he assaulted you, have you any idea how that makes me feel? I'm barely hanging on here after watching you last night”

  His lips are trembling as he tries to hold back his tears.

  “I want to kill him Lauren, it’s not just words, I want him dead, I don't think I am ever going to be able to be in that man’s company. I don't think I will ever be able to move on from finding you on the floor like that” His voice falters and tears roll down his face

  “I thought you were dying, I thought I was fucking losing you, when I felt how wet it was everywhere, I thought it was blood, I thought he had stabbed you or shot you, I thought a million different things and that you were going to bleed to death, bleed out, right in front of me, in my arms and there was nothing I could do about it, I thought I was going to lose you and after all my promises. I don’t break promises and it was only a week or so ago that I promised you that I would look after you, that I would protect you, that I would never let him put his hands on you again. I let you down Lauren and I'm so sorry for that, I will never forgive him or myself for the fact, that I let you down”

  I reach out and touch his face, he is on his knees so I climb onto his lap and straddle him, I wrap my legs and arms around him, holding him tight, he wraps his arms just as tightly around me.

  “I never want that feeling again baby. Last night I witnessed what it would be like to lose you and it was nearly more than I could stand”

  I look into his face, “Don’t move” I say

  My legs are feeling steadier as I head to the bathroom and brush my teeth. When I return, I sit back as I was before.

  “What are you doing?”

  “I cleaned my teeth. I want to kiss you but not with vomity morning breath”

  “Lauren, I would have kissed you regardless, I love vomity morning breath, as long as it’s yours”


  “Yeah I know you would, but seeing as I have just chucked up all over your carpet, it’s the very least I could do”

  We kiss, we both taste salty from our tears, and it makes me smile for some bizarre reason. I need to get my shit together; I think it has only now finally hit me that my marriage is over, what Jason did to me last night is totally unforgivable, I am now ready to draw a line under my life with Jay and now ready to move on and start my new life with Gabe, I need to move on from this latest little drama. It was a nasty, spiteful and vicious attack but I need to get over it, I refuse to let Jason have any more control over me, I can't have Gabe feeling guilty and I can't have him worrying about how last night’s events have impacted on me. I just want normal!

  “Who’s in the kitchen with Jemma?”

  “Zac, he’s just come from the solicitors, Jason was given bail but we got an intervention order against him, he can’t come within two hundred meters of you, He’s been charged with home invasion and assault, not sure when the court date will be”

  Whoa, right, okay, so he can’t come near me, good, that’s good then, that’s all I want, I don’t care about all the rest, I just don’t want that man anywhere near me. The thought that there is now something in place to guarantee this makes me feel better but then really, it will only work if Jay abides by it, shit, I am so over all this drama, I just want to get on with my life. Marriages break up all the time, is it always this traumatic?

  I finally eat a bacon sandwich and wash it down with a cup of tea, which Jemma brings to me in bed. She cleans up the carpet, gives it a scrub and gets rid of the towels and then comes and sits back on the bed with me.

  “You got lucky with him Loz, he's a star, and he is so in love with you, he was as much of a mess as you were last night. He was, traumatised, would probably be the right word. It was all Jo and I could do to stop him going out looking for Jay and part of me wanted to let him go find the fucker, then Jo called his brothers and they came out to the hospital and calmed him down”