It’s happened. I should have been prepared, protected my heart a little more. It was only a matter of time.
My emotions are all over the place, blaming Sasha for being manipulative and calculating, blaming Shaw for tying my heart to his and leaving me to wonder.
But the truth is the blame is mine. I should have ran the second I discovered Sasha was having Shaw’s baby. Love be damned. I KNEW nothing good would come out of this. How could I ever compete with a baby?
You can’t! You stupid fool! You never stood a chance.
I curl onto my side and wrap my comforter around me, making sure my phone is within reach in case he calls… which I know he won’t. Today, he’s with Sasha and her family, showing them his condo then shopping for baby furniture for her nursery.
The day he walked away to get on that plane replays in my mind for the millionth time. I should have held tighter, begged him to stay. Done anything to keep him with me. Because he would have. Four weeks ago, he would have done anything for me, but I pushed him to go, encouraging him to get excited. I believed he’d come back to me.
He didn’t.
He missed my birthday.
He missed Thanksgiving.
He missed my department Christmas party.
I stare at the television, not paying attention to the game, but grateful for the noise. The announcer mentions the name Darren Jackson a few times, which hooks my interest and I do my best to catch up.
My bedroom door creaks open, and I think about closing my eyes to pretend I’m asleep but Claire won’t believe it. She’s worried about me. So is my family. Everyone is waiting for me to crack open, but I can’t.
My heart is shattered, but my tear ducts have finally dried up. After months of crying at the drop of a pin, I’ve used up all the tears.
After a full minute of nothing, I finally acknowledge her. “You don’t have to stand in the doorway. You can crawl in and watch football with me.”
“Seven weeks away… seven weeks is all it took for you to turn on me? How could you?” Nicky’s voice booms through the room, and I scream, bolting up, and almost falling off my bed.
“Nicky!”
“Darren Jackson, Biz? Really? You wound me.” He puts his hand on his chest, stumbling back dramatically.
I scramble out of the mess of sheets and leap over my bed. He catches me easily, curling me in his arms. He sways us back and forth, and I wait for the avalanche of emotions to start, but they don’t. We stay like this for several minutes until I find my voice.
“What are you doing here?”
“Good to see you, too.” He chuckles in my ear.
“I’m sorry, that was rude. I’m in shock.”
“We’ve never gone this long apart. Even when I went to summer football camp in college, it was only five weeks. Not to mention, your bullshit text.”
“It wasn’t bullshit. It’s the truth.”
“You’re coming home for Christmas, Bizzy.”
I step back, taking his hand and leading him into the living room. We sit on the sofa, and I lay my head on his shoulder.
“It’s so good to see you.” I avoid the subject of Christmas.
“I’m sorry it took me so long to get here.”
“What do you mean?”
“Look at me.”
I raise my head and try my best not to show any emotions. I fail.
“How are you? Don’t think about lying to me.”
“I’m okay…” I start to give him the same response I’ve given my mom every time she calls. But it won’t work.
“That’s a lie. I’m not okay. I’m trying to understand, but my heart is broken. I’m not sure there’s a way to get over this hump. There doesn’t seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve gone through so many scenarios in my head, and none of them turn out with a happy ending for me. The thing is, I was prepared for this. That’s one reason I came to Charlotte, to give him space and force him to come to terms with everything. He was always so worried about me. I was doing great, too. Then he barged in, making more promises. I let myself believe them. The day he got on that plane was the first step in his new life. He doesn’t even seem like the same Shaw.”
“I have to believe he’s the same person under this cloud of unknowns.”
“No, he’s not. He’s a different person. It’s in his voice. It’s the baby. Him having a son has given him a new perspective. I understand it, but my heart is having a hard time caching up.”
“You need to talk to him.”
“Nicky, I understand he’s your brother, but you really suck at the jilted girlfriend talk. You should take pointers from Claire. She’s an excellent teacher.”
I try to make a joke, but it falls flat.
“Skipping coming home at Christmas isn’t going to make you feel any better, Bizzy. It’s only going to fuck with you more. You need to see him face to face, let him explain.”
I scoot away and try to stop the explosion of betrayal boiling inside of me. “Do you know anything about what’s happening? Do you know he’s basically blown me off with a few texts and two-minute phone calls? I call and it goes to voicemail, then I’ll get a text hours later saying he’s busy. But in those few precious minutes I do get to talk to him, I find out he has plans with Sasha. If he’s not at work, it seems like he’s with her. Our entire relationship has deteriorated to minutes of conversation that revolve around a woman I hate.”
“He’s not blowing you off.”
“Nicky! If you stick up for him one more time, I’ll kick your ass!”
He searches my face for a minute and starts to laugh—loud, roaring laughter that makes me want to leap across the couch and tackle him.
“Stop laughing at me!”
“I can’t help it! You’re hilarious.”
“I am not. I am pissed!”
“GOOD! It’s time you get pissed! This martyr act has been exhausting to watch! Jesus, for months we’ve watched you fall into this little world and hated every second of it. Get pissed! It’s time!”
“What the hell do you mean?”
“I mean, our Bizzy is a spitfire! That woman I found in the bed minutes ago is not you! That’s a woman admitting to defeat, sinking into a pit of depression without researching the facts. You ASSUME he’s always with Sasha, but he’s doing shit out of obligation to his son.”
“Thank fucking God you finally arrived!” Claire comes in, slamming the door behind her. “It’s about time!”
“I got here as soon as possible.” He gets up to greet her.
“What’s going on here?”
“In the last few weeks, I’ve done everything in the best friend’s handbook to get you out of your funk. I knew it was out of my control when you volunteered to work on Christmas. That’s your very favorite holiday. You LOVE being at home on Christmas. So I called in reinforcements.” She jerks her head at Nicky.
“You’re a bitch.”
“Harsh, considering you have color in your cheeks for the first time in forever.”
“She may have color in her cheeks, but when’s the last time she ate? Or showered?” Nicky talks over me to Claire.
“She rarely eats, but I think she may have showered yesterday morning before her shift.”
“Could have fooled me. Her room stinks. When’s the cleaning service coming back?”
“In two days, but that’s not why her room stinks.”
“Hello!” I wave my hands wildly in the air. “I’m right here. Stop talking about me like I’m invisible.”
“Why does your room stink?” Nicky crosses his arms and gives me a pointed look.
“Um… maybe I should wash my sheets.” I slide off the sofa and make a dash for my room.
Stupid of me to think I could outrun an NFL athlete. My feet are yanked out from under me, and I fly sideways as Nicky lifts me and I dangle at his side.
“What the ever-loving fuck are those?”
> I close my eyes and swallow down the mortification. I know exactly what he’s referring to. This is really going to be embarrassing. “Um…an experiment?”
“Bizzy, don’t make me ask again.”
“Fine! They’re all the flowers Shaw sent me on my birthday,” I huff out and cover my flaming face.
“They’re all dead… and shit is growing on the vases.”
“Isn’t it fucking disgusting? They died the first week. You’d think a nurse would have more hygiene,” Claire tells him.
“Claire! You have easily made it to my shit-list today. Stop antagonizing me! I’ll get you back for this.”
“Bring it on.”
I twist, trying to get my feet on the ground, but Nicky hauls me up his side and spins. Then he stops and spins the other way.
“This is over as of now. Bizzy, you get your ass in the shower. Get ready. I’m taking you both to eat. While you’re cleaning up, I’m going to get rid of them, and we’re going to air out your room.”
I open my mouth to argue, but I can’t because when he sets me down, I get a head rush. He shoves me toward my bathroom, and I go willingly. When I close the door, I hear him telling Claire to help and her refusing, saying the smell of rotten flowers makes her sick.
He mumbles something, and she laughs, but then she gags loudly, and I can’t help but giggle.
She deserves it. Traitor.
I step under the hot shower spray and think about everything Nicky said to me. Obviously, he knows something about Shaw’s situation he’s not telling me. But that’s not what sticks; it’s his description of me. It bothers me because I’m not this girl. Sure, I’m sad, and my heart is broken, but it’s beyond time to end this pity party.
“It’s so beautiful,” I gush, sipping my wine and staring at the Christmas tree in my living room.
“I’ll call around and find someone to haul it out of here after Christmas.” Nick drinks his beer and sits back in the chair next to me.
“We can get it out.”
“You and Claire combined couldn’t even get it in the stand.” He rolls his eyes, looking between Claire and me.
“If Bizzy didn’t pick out such an enormous tree, we wouldn’t have a problem.” Claire yanks on my hair.
“I don’t care that it’s enormous and was a giant pain in the ass. I love it.” I sigh dreamily, relaxing into the sofa.
They start talking about Nicky’s next game, and I daydream, thinking about the last two days. Nicky being here was the perfect medicine. He didn’t give me room to dwell, keeping me busy and making sure my mind was occupied. I almost fell over when he suggested Christmas shopping because he hates to shop. But I quickly realized he had an ulterior motive—needing my help with his family’s gifts. Usually, we have a tradition of helping each other, but it includes an afternoon of online shopping where he can click and buy without facing any holiday crowds. But this year, he took me from store to store, endlessly purchasing everything I suggested. He eventually had to purchase another suitcase to get the items home. It actually worked out perfect, because I’d been meaning to get out and ship all my presents to Miami when I decided to work on Christmas, but in my dither of acting like a school girl who lost her boyfriend, I’d neglected to do anything.
So I was able to do my own shopping, and he was taking the presents with him.
When I worked last night, he came by the hospital to meet my coworkers and hang out with the kids. It was like old times. A lot of my coworkers had met Shaw the week he was here and knew I was in a serious relationship. When Nicky showed up, it raised a lot of eyebrows, which Claire thought was hilarious. But eventually, everyone came to believe we were truly friends.
Today, he dragged Claire and me out in the snow, going to the closest park so he could act like a fool. Afterwards, we went shopping for a tree. He became really upset when he found out Claire was flying to be with her parents on Christmas Eve, and I would be truly alone.
He became a man on a mission. After we picked out a tree, he gave Claire his credit card and sent us to buy every single decoration we could find. I tried to argue, but it was useless.
It was one of the best afternoons I’ve had in a long time. Claire and I drank wine while instructing Nicky how to string the lights. When he was done, he popped open a beer and sat down, turning on the television and ignoring us.
It was awesome. It was like old times, and I craved to keep this feeling of happiness.
Shaw has called a few times, and as usual, the conversations were rushed because he was distracted. I didn’t push because, after Nicky’s comments, I opened my ears and started listening. What I heard was Shaw’s anxiety and confusion. He’s having a hard time dealing with his newfound feelings, and I decided not to be a burden. Instead, I told him repeatedly I loved him, and I was here if wanted to talk. He told me he loved me too, more than anything. His words sank into my soul and I wish I could hear them on replay over and over.
The only thing I have learned is Nicky was right; all the time I assumed he was spending with Sasha isn’t correct. Shaw explained he’s only doing what is absolutely necessary to keep the peace. Otherwise, he’s keeping his distance.
Nicky’s phone rings, bringing me out of my daydream, and he gets up and walks to the balcony, sliding the door closed behind him.
“What do you think that’s about?” Claire mutes the television.
“Could be a number of things. My first thought is that it’s his coach making sure he’s coming home tomorrow. I’m still not sure how the hell he got away for three days. My next thought is that it’s Maria, checking on me but too scared to call. Lastly, it could be his agent, which means my estranged boyfriend. Guess in the air what that could be.”
“Shhh, let’s listen.” She slides to the end of the sofa, closest to the patio, and strains her head to the side.
“We shouldn’t! Eavesdropping is rude,” I mutter, but also scoot closer.
We don’t have to try too hard, because Nicky’s voice escalates, and I’m pretty sure anyone brave enough to be on their balconies in this weather can hear him.
“I don’t give a shit! It’s fucking time. You have no idea the mess I walked into.”
Silence.
“Define okay? If you’re asking is she still alive, breathing, and functioning, then yes. But the functioning part is questionable. I’m not sure she’d eaten a decent meal in weeks until I got here.”
Silence.
“You don’t get to do that, Shaw. I’m not going to even attempt to explain to her what’s going on. That’s your job. I’m not sure why you’ve kept it all from her in the first place. It’s crossed my mind to kick your ass again.”
Silence.
He runs his hand down his face then drops his head, squeezing the back of his neck. I watch his chest heave a few times, and my own chest tightens. What exactly is Shaw keeping from me? My mind races with possibilities. It’s obvious there’s been an enormous strain between us, but what is he keeping from me? Claire twists her arm in mine, squeezing my wrist supportively.
“Hell fucking NO! I don’t care what she says.”
Silence.
“You’ve got to be kidding me! You can’t handle this shit on your own? You have to bring me into it?”
Silence.
“That’s low, Shaw, really low. Why can’t you get them?”
Silence.
“Well, tough shit what she wants. But for the sake of God, I’ll handle it.”
I watch his lips twist in an evil grin, and he turns his head to the side, catching us listening and winks.
Busted.
“Yeah, I get it. You’ll probably owe me forever, but I think a weekend on the boat will handle this favor.”
He smiles, and I can tell the conversation has taken a turn. Shaw may have said he bought the boat for his family, but he’s denied their request for an afternoon out on it. At one point, Mathis and Nicky both called me to beg
that I persuade Shaw to let them have it for the weekend. He still denied them, explaining to me that he considers it our boat.
I hold my breath to see if he says anything about allowing Nicky to use it. The smile drops from Nicky’s face, and his hand shoots in the air in frustration.
“Come on, man! This is getting old. Remember, it’s you asking the favor.”
My heartbeat speeds, knowing he’s still denying anyone who asks.
“Yeah, I’ll be home tomorrow mid-day. You gonna pick me up?”
Silence.
“Call her, tell her you love her, adore her, and let her know it’ll all be okay soon. She was watching Darren Jackson’s game for God’s sake! Do you know what that did to me?”
Claire and I try to smoother our giggles.
Silence.
“Later.”
When he hangs up and comes back in, Claire and I exchange a glance and turn our questioning eyes to him.
“Didn’t anyone ever tell you that eavesdropping is rude?” He walks by us to the kitchen and gets another beer out of the fridge. He grabs the wine off the counter and comes back into the living room, refilling our glasses, then sits back in the chair.
“We weren’t really eavesdropping. We were concerned about you being outside in the cold, so we were watching to make sure you didn’t freeze to death.”
It’s the stupidest excuse I’ve ever made up, and Claire snorts, kicking me at the same time.
“That’s lame.” He drinks his beer, reaching for the remote. I leap at him, tangling our arms together as we fight for the controller.
“Don’t you dare!” I grunt, yanking it out of his hand.
“Why not?” he asks innocently, his eyes shining bright.
“You know why! Tell me what he said. Why’d he call?”
“He called to check on you.”
“Why didn’t he call me?”
“Because you lie to him. He can hear it in your voice.”
“I don’t get it, Nicky. Seriously, why wouldn’t he ask me? We’ve been through more in the months we’ve been together than most people have to go through in a lifetime. What’s really going on? What do you know that you’re not telling me?”
“Bizzy, I’d do anything in the world for you. You know this, right?” His fun-loving attitude changes. His eyes still shine, but with a different kind of brightness.
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