by Penny Jordan
She could still vividly recall her shock and mental anguish at discovering from another of the pupils that the school she had been sent to was for ‘naughty’ girls. ‘What have you done to get here,’ the latter had asked her.’ Boasting, ‘I’m here because I hate my new step-brother.’
The nuns hadn’t been actively unkind, indeed some of them showed an extremely enlightened attitude towards their wayward pupils, but Lissa had felt too out of step … too alien to respond to them. She had also felt besmirched … dirty and degraded … defiled in a way that made her recoil from any human contact.
‘Lissa?’
She came back to reality with a start, uncomfortably conscious of the strange look in Joel’s eyes as he looked at her. ‘Where on earth have you been?’ he asked softly.
Just for a moment the concern she heard in his voice touched her and she said huskily, ‘To hell …’ bitterly regretting her weakness when she saw first shock and then caution enter his eyes.
‘It’s too late now for backing out,’ he told her harshly, revealing that he had totally misunderstood her comment. ‘I’ve already spoken to Greaves and told him that you’re marrying me.’
How possessive he sounded, Lissa thought wryly, almost as though telling Simon they were to marry had given him a great deal of pleasure. ‘I’ve also spoken to our local vicar.’ He saw her start of surprise and smiled grimly. ‘What were you expecting Lissa—a civil ceremony.’ He shook his head. ‘My grandparents, my parents and John were all married in our local church. We won’t have a large wedding of course … in fact I’ve arranged a very quiet ceremony; just the Vicar and a handful of witnesses. His wife has offered to have the girls for the afternoon. I’ve given out that we’d planned to announce our engagement on your birthday, but that because of what has happened, we’ve brought the wedding forward for the sake of the children.’
Her birthday was six weeks away, and Lissa marvelled at Joel’s ability to remember such a trivial thing, just as she was chilled by his ability to reason and plan. It made sense of course—she was the last person to want a lot of speculation and curiosity about why they were marrying.
‘And Lissa one thing more,’ he continued in a quiet voice. ‘Once we are married I shall expect you to stay faithful to your vows. We live in a very quiet village and …’
‘… and a front of respectability must be maintained at all times,’ she finished bitterly for him, remembering that this had been her parents’ attitude. Almost as though he read her mind, Joel put in curtly, ‘You hurt your parents very deeply with your unconventional behaviour Lissa, but I won’t accept it the way they did.’
‘Hurt them!’ Lissa was incredulous … struck dumb by his arrogant charm. He knew nothing about her relationship with her family, nothing at all …
‘Yes.’ Joel continued as though she hadn’t interrupted. ‘I can vividly remember your father’s shock that night when you deceived him to go to that party. They were dining with my parents and your father developed a migraine. I offered to run them back as your mother couldn’t drive. When they got home and found you gone your father was beside himself. Luckily your mother remembered the telphone number of your friend and it was from her parents that they learned where you were … Your mother explained to me later the problems they’d had with you … how wild and uncontrollable you were, how you’d got in with a bad set … I must say at first I was disinclined to believe them, but when I walked into that house with your father and found half the kids in it were put of their minds on drugs and the other half on drink …’
Lissa could have told him that the drugs had come from the older brother of one of the boys there who had brought them home from university, and as for the drink … well most of them had been so young and inexperienced that a couple of glasses of wine had been more than sufficient to go to their heads, never mind the weird punch concoction that had been served.
‘But of course you were out for another kind of thrill weren’t you Lissa …? How many others had you been to bed with before him?’
‘Does it matter?’ She felt literally sick, her body shaking with tension as she saw herself through Joel’s eyes. She remembered how the brief dress had ridden up exposing her thighs, the low neckline revealing the curves of her breasts and she shuddered deeply. To bolster herself up she demanded huskily, ‘If you disapprove of me so much Joel, why marry me? If I’ve slipped so far beyond the pale, I’m surprised you’re even contemplating it. My morals …’
‘It isn’t your morals that are at issue,’ Joel cut in angrily. ‘I don’t give a damn how many men you’ve slept with Lissa. I’m not hypocritical enough to expect a woman to remain chaste while a man does not … no, what baffles me is that you should have so little respect for yourself … so little self-pride. The gift of your body to another human being is exactly that—a gift—not something to be thrown away lightly, but something to be treasured …’
‘And to ensure that Emma and Louise treasure theirs, are you going to keep a ball and chain on them while they’re growing up, as my father did me,’ Lissa hit out blindly.
Joel looked at her, his expression hard to define, but somewhere in it was a pity that lashed at her pride, and made her burn with resentment. How dare he pity her. How dare he falsely accuse her … force her into a set pattern that was not hers and never had been.
‘No … I shall tell them that whatever they do in life is by their own choice, and it matters little what it is, or what others think, as long as they can face themselves and keep their own self-respect intact. Self-respect is more important than the opinions of others; than momentary sexual release …’
‘And you of course are speaking from experience,’ Lissa taunted bitterly.
‘I’ve never made love to a woman I don’t both like and honour, if that’s what you mean,’ Joel agreed with devastating candour.
A bitter smile curved Lissa’s mouth. ‘Then obviously you’re prepared to make an exception in my case.’ She could feel tears pricking the backs of her eyes, and hated herself for her weakness. Flinging down the cloth she was holding, she hurried out of the kitchen, conscious of Joel calling her name, but the strident shrill of the telephone prevented him from following her.
It was half an hour or so before she felt able to go back downstairs.
The girls were seated at the now cleared kitchen table, busily drawing on large sheets of paper. Joel was filling the coffee maker and turned as she walked in.
‘Let’s just put the past behind us Lissa,’ he said in a clipped voice, without looking at her. ‘All I want is your promise that you will adhere to our marriage vows; that there’ll be no sneaking off to meet the likes of Greaves.’
Was he worried that she might neglect the children? That must be it, Lissa thought subduing a mild bout of hysteria at the thought of her of all people sneaking off to meet any man. If only he knew! But he must not know! Quite why she should feel so strongly that she must keep the truth from him Lissa wasn’t sure. She had sensed a compassion and gentleness in his attitude towards the girls that she had once believed alien to his nature and if he knew the truth that compassion might even be extended to include herself. But she didn’t want his compassion, she told herself angrily. She didn’t want to like him … she didn’t want him to like her. To stop herself from pursuing this potentially dangerous line of thought she asked sweetly, ‘And you Joel, do you intend to keep to your vows?’
‘Do you want me to?’
He was challenging her, Lissa knew that, but her eyes dropped away from the golden gleam of his. He laughed softly, and feather light shivers of alarm coursed over her body as he came towards her. ‘What an enigma you are Lissa,’ he said quietly. ‘What did I say to provoke this.’ His fingers touched her heated face and she blushed harder, hating herself to doing so. ‘Surely it can’t be the thought of me as your lover that makes you so hot and bothered. After all to you what’s one more man?’
‘Auntie Lissa, come and look at my drawing,’ Lo
uise demanded, giving Lissa an opportune excuse for moving away. Her heart was thumping jerkily, her body a melting pot of strange and alien sensations, her nerves stretched like over-fine wire.
‘I’ve got to go out,’ Joel informed her. ‘I’m interviewing several applicants for John’s job.’ A shadow crossed his face, and Lissa felt a tug of sympathy for him. He had been very close to his brother, she knew.
Originally Joel had overseen both the estate and the business, but after their father had retired John had taken over as Managing Director of the company, and Joel had concentrated on running the estate, bringing in many new innovative measures, according to Amanda, but he had also been on hand to help and advise John whenever his help was needed. He had other business interests too according to Amanda, with money invested wisely in a variety of enterprises. All in all he was a shrewd and very astute man; a husband many women would be delighted to have; physically he was extremely attractive, his manner towards the children was both gentle and firm. He would make an excellent father, she found herself thinking, swiftly denying the thought. There would be no children for them, and if he didn’t like it well then … he would … he would simply have to divorce her … She subdued a bubble of hysterical laughter forming in her throat. How many potential brides were thinking about divorce even before the wedding ceremony took place.
Later on in the day, when she had settled the girls for a nap, having previously taken them for a walk, Lissa had time on her hands to think. She should never have agreed to marry Joel she knew, but having agreed how could she back out now, without losing the girls? Already this one day spent with them had been full of so many small pleasures; had moved her to such love and laughter that she couldn’t bear the thought of being without them. Joel wanted to marry her because she was their aunt, not because he cared in the slightest for her, she reminded herself, trying to make herself feel less guilty. That he had also intimated to her that he desired her physically, she tried to dismiss. How could he desire her when by his own admission all his previous women had had his respect and affection; neither of which there was the remotest chance of her having. She should really go to London and pack up her belongings, make arrangements for her flat, but Joel had told her that he would arrange to do all that was necessary. He wanted her to stay with the girls he had told her.
Sighing faintly Lissa tried not to think about the looming proximity of the wedding. Instead she turned her mind to working out how best to tell Joel that she thought he ought to find another housekeeper, one who had a more relaxed attitude towards children.
CHAPTER FOUR
‘WHY AREN’T YOU WEARING a white dress?’ Louise scowled, looking uncannily like Joel, as she sat on Lissa’s bed watching her dress. ‘Brides always wear white dresses,’ she complained. ‘I’ve seen them!’
‘Yes, darling, I know,’ Lissa agreed, ‘but this isn’t that sort of wedding. Now, you’re going to be a good girl for Mrs Chartwell aren’t you? She’s going to look after you and Emma while Uncle Joel and I get married.’
‘She’s got a dog,’ Louise told her, instantly distracted, excited colour glowing in her cheeks. ‘Can we have a dog Lissa? Mummy said we couldn’t because Granny was all … alle …’
‘Allergic,’ Lissa finished for her, remembering her mother’s aversion for any kind of pet. ‘We’ll see,’ she told the little girl. ‘I’ll have to ask Uncle Joel.’
‘Ask Uncle Joel what?’
Lissa felt her stomach muscles tense as Joel walked into her room. He was already dressed for the ceremony in a dark pin-striped suit and a fine white silk shirt. He looked very tall and male, Lissa thought shakily, and for some reason she had the oddest desire to be held against his chest and comforted the way he had comforted Emma the other evening when she fell over and grazed her knee. She wanted her fears and miseries soothed away, the way he had soothed Emma’s she thought crazily, stunned by the impact of her thoughts.
‘If we can have a dog,’ Louise replied promptly, forcing her to take notice of what she was saying, rather than abandoning herself to the enormity of her own thoughts.
‘Louise would like a dog,’ Lissa cut in shakily. ‘I told her she must ask you.’
‘I don’t see why not … but … only if you’re a very good girl,’ Joel added cautioningly when Louise started to bounce up and down on the bed, ‘and that includes not making Mrs Johnson angry.’
His mention of the housekeeper made Lissa remember her own doubts about the other woman, and saying firmly, ‘Louise, be a good girl and go and see if Emma’s awake will you?’ she sent her out of earshot.
Joel was frowning as the door closed behind her and Lissa said quickly, ‘I sent her away because I wanted to talk to you about Mrs Johnson. I don’t like her attitude towards the girls—at least I don’t like what I’ve seen of it. I realise that staff can be hard to find but …’
‘If you want to replace her you can do so,’ Joel surprised her by saying without argument. ‘I’ve had a few doubts myself,’ he told her grimly, ‘but I’ve already been accused of spoiling the girls, so I held my peace.’
Spoiling them? By whom Lissa wondered.
‘All ready?’ His glance skimmed her pale face and then studied the soft cream wool of her suit. The colour was a perfect foil for the richness of her hair, and although Lissa thought she looked far too pale she was conscious of looking good in the outfit—a new one she had purchased for spring and so not yet worn. She had confined her hair in an elegant knot, and on impulse had driven into the nearest town the previous afternoon and managed to find an absurd concoction of feathers and net in a Princess Diana style which made her suit look much more bridal.
‘Almost. I’ve just got to dress Emma and Louise.’
‘I’ll do that for you.’
Once again he had stunned her.
‘Don’t look like that,’ he told her grimly. ‘I do know how to. What’s the matter, Lissa?’ he mocked. ‘Surprised to discover that I’m not quite the ogre you thought?’
His perspicacity unnerved her. He saw far too much, far too clearly.
She managed a light shrug. ‘It’s just that I find it surprising that you should know so much about child care—you being a single man.’
Somehow she managed to make his caring sound suspect, and was instantly ashamed of herself, but he only said quietly, ‘I don’t find it at all unmanly Lissa, and if you do, then I’m very sorry for you … but it’s your problem. John was a devoted father and spent a lot of time with the girls. Amanda had a nanny but both of them believed in being with the children as much as possible and I think that is the right attitude. Too many women shut their husbands out of their childrens’ lives, especially when the children are very young.’
Once again he had made her feel very much in the wrong … very shallow and unfair in her attitudes. Biting her lip, she turned away from him and concentrated on putting on her lip gloss.
‘Don’t wear too much of that stuff,’ he startled her by drawling. Her eyes swivelled sharply to meet the amusement in his.
‘I don’t want to get it all over me when I kiss you,’ he explained softly, apparently fascinated by the slow crawl of hot colour turning her pale skin pink. Her fingers went instinctively to her lips as though to protect them from even the suggestion of his touch. A thick sound stifled in the back of his throat drew her attention back to Joel. He was standing watching her, with an unreadable expression in his eyes, their gold darkened to a burning topaz.
‘You’ve got all the tricks Lissa,’ he told her bitterly, ‘I’ll give you that … but you’re wasting your time playing the shy bride on me. I know the real you—remember …’
‘And knowing—still want me,’ she flung at him dangerously. For a moment the tension of his body frightened her and then he seemed to force himself to relax.
‘An inexplicable weakness,’ he agreed in a slow drawl, ‘but one which I suspect time and familiarity will eliminate.’
He was gone before Lissa could
retort. She stared into the mirror at her own baffled and furious expression. Had he really meant to intimate that once he had made love to her a few times he would no longer want her? No doubt about it! Her mouth compressed grimly. Oh, she hated him … hated him …
Angry colour sparkled in her eyes as she joined him downstairs, her cheeks still glowing faintly with the heat of her resentment. Both girls bounced excitedly around them as Joel shepherded them out to the car.