by Sophie Stern
I hadn’t done that, and I had the feeling that it meant I’d failed the first test. He looked at me carefully with a raised eyebrow.
“Blair?”
“I didn’t,” I said.
“I appreciate your honesty.”
“But you’re going to spank me for not checking, aren’t you?” I asked, my voice a whisper. He just laughed and shook his head. He came inside and closed the door behind himself. Then he kicked off his shoes, obviously making himself comfortable.
“What is with you and spankings?” He asked. “You’re always asking if I’m going to spank you. Is that what you want, kitten?”
“I don’t know,” I told him honestly.
“If you want to try it, we can.”
“I appreciate the offer.”
“First, let’s talk about your bookshelves,” he said. Then he walked toward my office, and I followed close behind, shocked and a little surprised. He hadn’t even kissed me.
“That’s it?” I asked.
“What do you mean?”
“You aren’t going to…”
“Aren’t going to what?” He turned back toward me. “Slap you on the bottom for being naughty? Kiss you on the neck for being such a bad girl? Or maybe you want me to get down on my knees and lick your pussy until you come, pretty kitty. Is that what you want?”
He crossed his arms over his chest, still holding the plans for my bookshelves in one of his hands. The folder crumpled a little, but he didn’t seem to mind. His eyes were on me, and suddenly, I felt the weight of that stare in every single part of my body.
His voice sounded deep, and hungry. He sounded like he wanted to devour me, and I wanted that, too. More than anything in that moment, I wanted him to take a big, huge bite out of me.
I wanted him so very much.
And his words were soaking with excitement. They were dripping with chaos and wonder. They were filled with sweet, delicious promises that I wanted to cling to even though I knew that I shouldn’t.
Raiden was an experienced Dominant, and I was…
Well, I didn’t belong in the club, as much as I wanted to believe that I did. I knew better than to be playing with fire the way that I was. I knew that the game I was playing was going to burn one of us eventually. I just needed to be smart enough to get out while I could. I was using the club as a way to do book research.
That was all.
What would my main character do if she was in the situation I was in?
Would she jump at the chance to sleep with a handsome Dom?
Would she be careful and cautious?
Or would she be wild and untamable?
“Yes,” I said. “I want all of that, Raiden.”
I couldn’t tell whether I was more surprised that I’d said it or if he was more surprised that I’d agreed with him, but he stepped forward before I could stop myself or talk reason into myself.
“Tell me again,” he said.
“Yes.”
“Tell me what you want, Blair.”
“I want...”
“Say it.”
“I want you,” I whispered.
No hesitation.
His lips came crashing down onto mine, and the kiss itself was so strong that I thought I might melt right in the middle of the hallway. Unlike other people I’d been with before, Raiden didn’t hold back. He just kissed me hard and fast and deep, and he cupped my face like it was the most important thing in the world to do.
I closed my eyes, and I just lost myself in the kiss. For that moment in time, nothing else mattered: not work, not the club, not Carolyn, and not my deadlines. For that moment, the only thing in the world that mattered was convincing Raiden to kiss me more and more and more, and he did.
By the time he pulled away, I was gasping for air, almost unable to breathe. I felt dizzy, and he held me up and guided me back to the living room. We sat down on the couch together, and he held my hand.
“Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” I said.
“Rule number one,” he tapped my chin, forcing it up so I was looking right at him. “No lies, kitten.”
“Okay.”
“Are you okay?”
“No,” I whispered. “I’m scared.”
“Me too,” he said.
We sat like that for a long time, just looking at each other. Finally, I spoke again.
“I didn’t plan to tell you that. I don’t know what I have to be scared of,” I said. It was the truth. He didn’t seem like the kind of guy who was going to go overboard or crazy or do anything really horrible. He definitely didn’t have any qualities that, on the surface, should scare me. He just seemed like a normal sort of Dom.
A normal guy who wanted a normal life.
“I haven’t been in a relationship for a long time,” he said quietly.
“It’s understandable,” I said. He cocked his head and looked at me.
“Why do you say that? Am I that hideous?”
“No!” I said quickly. I realized that I’d basically outed myself. I hadn’t intended to let him know that the subs at the club gossiped about him. Apparently, I wasn’t going to have a choice, though. It was either fess up or he might think he was unattractive somehow.
“Then why do you think it’s understandable? Most people our age are in relationships.” Raiden looked at me carefully, trying to figure out what I was getting at.
How could I work this tenderly?
Carefully?
Raiden had kissed me, and it had been damn wonderful. He’d been rough with me, but even during the passionate kiss we’d shared, I could tell that he was wholly in control. There hadn’t been a moment where I’d felt scared or worried about myself physically. It was only my heart that was at risk here.
There was a part of me that wanted to lie to him now, but hadn’t I told him enough lies about myself?
“My friend told me about Angela,” I said finally, choosing honesty. He deserved to know that I knew. Didn’t he?
Instantly, though, I knew it was the wrong choice. He tensed, and his body went rigid.
Shit.
I shouldn’t have said anything.
I shouldn’t have used her name.
Shouldn’t have mentioned her at all.
“Is that so?” He said.
“Uh, yeah. Look, I’m sorry. We don’t have to talk about it.” I shifted awkwardly on the couch, realizing that whatever moment we had been sharing was now over. It was all thanks to me, too.
“You’re right,” he said. He shook his head. He seemed to be steeling himself somehow, trying to make himself comfortable. He was trying to calm himself down as much as he could, but I wasn’t sure how much good it was going to do.
Before I had to worry about what to say, though, Raiden stood up and headed back to the hallway. He picked up the folder of plans that had fallen when he kissed me, and he brought them back to me. He thrust the folder in my direction, and I awkwardly took it.
“Take a look,” he said. “And let me know what you think.”
Then he left, going right out my front door, and it wasn’t until he truck pulled away that I realized he’d left his shoes.
Chapter 8
Raiden
“You just left?” June looked at me with distaste, and I didn’t blame her.
“It’s not his fault,” Zack said, but I just stared straight ahead, unwilling to accept that I had completely, totally, and royally messed up any chance of getting with a girl as wonderful or as lovely as Blair.
“It’s completely his fault,” June said. “He got scared, but we’re all scared. Everyone gets scared,” she turned back to me. “Everyone gets scared sometimes. We’re all afraid, Raiden, but that doesn’t mean we back down. It means we push harder.”
“I know,” I said.
“I don’t think you do know,” she pointed out. “Are you serious right now? You messed up. Big time.”
“She’s right,” Zack agreed. “Blair seems like a sweet
girl.”
“She was gossiping about me,” I pointed out. It had hurt knowing she had talked with someone about me, that she had told them about her interest in me. I didn’t like the idea that the other submissives at the club had filled her in, either.
It wasn’t their business what I’d been through. It was none of their business that I had been broken. Angela had really done a number on me. She’d completely fucked me up. She’d damaged me, ruining so very much about my life. Not only had she broken up our relationship, but there had been other things.
I couldn’t watch the movies I liked when she was around. I could no longer enjoy things like our favorite restaurants. There wasn’t a time when I was comfortable doing things like going on walks past our favorite parks. I was just…stuck.
And I had been for a long time.
In the days since I’d met Blair, things had felt a little lighter than they usually did. I’d been working on the bookshelf project and I’d found myself getting excited as I’d drawn up different plans. I was excited to work on her office’s appearance. I wanted to help her get organized and I wanted her home to look beautiful, but there was another part of me that was terrified.
If I was going to be around her, then I was going to be tempted. I was going to have to give up part of myself I’d been holding back. When I’d lost Angela, I’d locked up part of my heart, and I hadn’t planned on letting it loose ever again.
But she tempted me, and she made me uncomfortable, and I didn’t like that.
“Everyone gossips about everyone here,” June pointed out. “It doesn’t mean anyone is being malicious.”
“She’s right,” Zack agreed.
“Since when were you on the girls’ side?” I grumbled, sipping my whiskey.
“Since they made sense,” he said.
We were sitting in the club at the bar. It was Wednesday night, and it was almost time for class to begin. I was having just one drink to relax before the session started, and June and Zack had joined me. June was pouring, and she had given us some tips for the class.
“Look,” June said, leaning forward. She leaned on the bar, propping her head up in her hand. “The thing about love is that it always catches you when you least expect it to.”
“She’s right,” Zack agreed with her again. If he did that one more time, I was going to punch him, for real.
“You might not be ready for a relationship, and you don’t necessarily have to be in one, but you need to open up your heart.”
“You sound like a fairytale cartoon movie.”
“I’m just saying that you shouldn’t be so quick to dismiss someone you have an obvious connection with. You might have just met, but that doesn’t mean anything.”
“It means something,” I pointed out. “I knew Angela for years and she screwed me over.”
“Then maybe trying a relationship with someone brand new is the total opposite of what you had before, and maybe it’s exactly what you need.”
I hated to admit that she was right, but in a weird, twisted sort of way, it kind of made sense. Maybe the problem really was that I had over-thought my relationship with Angela in every way. We’d known each other for years, and I’d carefully calculated every move I’d ever made with her. The decision to ask her out had been carefully planned. The choice to ask her to move in had been a calculation I’d spent months planning. Then there was the actual decision to propose.
Well…
It had all been toiled over and carefully considered in every way. This time around, though, things were different. They weren’t just not going according to plan: there was no plan. This time, the only thing I had to deal with was the fact that every single move between Blair and I had been totally and utterly unplanned.
I hated it.
I didn’t like not knowing what was happening. I didn’t like not knowing what our next move was supposed to be.
“Look,” June said, softening her voice. “We all know relationships are hard.”
“It’s true,” Zack agreed.
Sometimes it felt like Zack and his wife had been together for years. The same with June and her husband. Each couple had toiled endlessly to make things work between them, but me? Well, sometimes it seemed like I was starting over in every possible way. Sometimes I felt like I was so wildly behind the rest of the world that I was just never going to catch up.
“And sometimes, we have to do shit that scares us. Isn’t that what our lifestyle is all about?” June waived her hand around the empty club. “I mean, when I started this place, I didn’t really know what the hell I was doing. I was scared. Terrified. I had to make some hard choices and I had to do things that frightened me.”
“You did a wonderful job,” I pointed out.
“I made plenty of mistakes,” she said. “Including in my personal relationships.”
“Nobody is going to judge you if you don’t want to date Blair,” Zack said. “Nobody is going to think that you’re wimping out or anything like that.”
“It’s true,” June said. “We’re your friends. We’ll support you no matter what you choose.”
“But if you want this,” Zack said. “Then don’t be afraid to try.”
“Exactly,” June nodded. “Don’t be scared to step up and chase after the things that you want. We’re all going to be here for you no matter what choice you make.”
Suddenly, the sound of voices filled the space, and we all turned to see a group of people walking into the club. Kai was on door-duty, so he’d obviously vetted them and let them inside. It was the people who were arriving for the newbie class.
“Ready?” June asked. “Looks like our students have arrived.”
“As ready as I’ll ever be,” I muttered.
June came out from behind the bar and walked over to the group of new players who were gathering near one of the stages.
“Hey everyone,” she said, holding out her hand. Her words faded from understanding as I turned back to Zack, who was carefully watching me.
“It’s going to be fine,” he said.
“How do you know?”
“Because I know,” he shrugged. “I know you, man. This is the most I’ve seen you stress or worry about a girl since it happened. You never look twice at anyone.”
“Blair’s definitely worth looking twice at,” I said.
He raised an eyebrow, and I knew he was surprised that I admitted it. Hey, if I couldn’t be honest with my friends, then who could I be honest with? I wasn’t going to lie to Zack about my feelings. Maybe I should have, but I didn’t have it in me.
“She just…”
“She got under your skin,” he said.
“Yeah.”
“Sometimes the right woman does that.”
Was that true? Maybe. Angela had definitely never gotten under my skin like that. We’d quarreled, sure, and we’d bickered. Had she driven me crazy with desire, though? Not really.
There was something else that was bothering me, though.
“I just don’t know if I’m what she needs.”
“What do you think she needs?”
“Someone perfect,” I pointed out. Blair was friendly. Kind. Silly. She made me laugh. She was a little bonkers with her requests for her bookshelves and she was passionate about books. She liked her consulting job. She was happy. She deserved to be with someone who was also happy: someone who made her smile.
She didn’t need to be with someone like me, someone who…what?
Someone who was constantly making mistakes?
Someone who never seemed to make the right choice?
“Nobody’s perfect.”
“She’s pretty damn close,” I muttered.
Zack ignored that, and instead chose to focus on something else.
“Look, I’m going to tell you a secret.”
“Okay.”
“You don’t need to find a perfect partner.”
“Because they don’t exist?”
“You just need t
o find someone who’s perfect for you. You might not be a perfect guy.”
I feigned mock offense, dropping my jaw, and Zack just shook his head.
“But you might be perfect for her. You might be exactly what she needs.”
“And that’s good enough. Is that what you’re saying?”
“It’s exactly what I’m saying,” he said. “If she’s looking for someone who can make her happy, and who can introduce her to BDSM, and who can bring her around the kink club and show her what it means to be adored by a Dom, then you could be exactly the right person for her.”
“And what if she’s not looking for that?” I said. “What if she decides that this whole kink life thing is nice, but it’s just not for her?”
“Then you roll with the punches,” Zack said. “But you’ll never know unless you take a chance.”
Chapter 9
Blair
I spent the weekend looking over the plans for the bookshelves. Raiden had really outdone himself with the designs. They were so lovely, and I knew that not only were my current books going to look fantastic, but all of my future books were, too. The stories I was going to write would be wonderful displayed up on their new shelves. I couldn’t wait.
I seriously, totally, completely couldn’t wait.
He’d done an incredible job making sure everything looked exactly as it should, and I couldn’t quite believe some of the detail he’d added. One of the bookcases was going to have a set of drawers at the bottom, and that made me so wildly excited that I couldn’t take it. I was going to have so much space for drawings and supplies. I was going to have room for fan swag and if I was careful with how I organized, I figured I might even have a spot where I could keep souvenirs from book signings.
Probably, I should wait until Monday to call him. It was Sunday afternoon when I finally settled on the design choice I wanted, and even though I knew it was wildly unprofessional to call him in the middle of the weekend, I couldn’t talk myself out of it before my fingers started dialing.
He picked up on the first ring.
“Blair?” He said. “Is everything okay?”
“Oh, hey, yeah,” I said. What was the background noise I heard? Were those voices? Shit. He was at a party: or worse, on a date. Fuck. I had been a fool to bother him at a time when he might be around other people. Why hadn’t I just texted him like a normal person?