by Alexa Davis
“You think so?” It didn’t feel like anything had hurt as much as this. Rationally, I knew things had been harder before, but emotionally, it felt like the worst pain ever.
“I know so. Now let’s get some pizza or something; I’m starving, and you could do with some cheering up.”
“Yeah, all right.” It beat sitting around on my own at any rate. “Sounds good.”
“I know. I’ll pop out to the new Italian, get us some calzones. Will you be all right for a while?”
“I can cope.” I smiled weakly. “I’ll have a shower while you’re gone.”
As she walked out through the front door, it hit me that I was actually going to have to get up to get washed, that I couldn’t just use it as an excuse.
If I didn’t, Laynee would end up in a state of panic, which I didn’t need. She would make it her mission now to cheer me up, and I didn’t want to let her down. She was an incredible friend to me; sometimes I didn’t deserve her. I didn’t want to give her any unnecessary stress.
I flicked the tap on and watched the water pour into my shower, sighing deeply. I could not be bothered with any of this. All I wanted to do was collapse in my pajamas, but if I did that, I ran the risk of being dragged outside like that. It wouldn’t have been the first time.
When I stepped into the water and the steaming jets raced over my body, I actually felt glad for forcing myself to do it. It felt good to have my muscles loosened, and I could almost feel the stress ebbing away. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad after all.
Maybe I would get over Milo before I knew it; maybe my actual Mr. Right was just around the corner. It would probably be a good thing to learn that this was just a chapter in the book of my life anyway, rather than the ending.
Milo was a hot guy, and being with him had been a whole lot of fun, but it felt so stressful the whole time. I was always so up and down. Plus, it turned out that he wasn’t such a nice guy. If anything, he was an ass. He acted like he was different, like his broken heart had wounded him and turned him into a nice man, but it was all an act.
If Laynee could get hurt over and over and still keep her faith in finding someone, even if she was taking a sabbatical from that right now, then maybe I could, too. Maybe I could just keep on going.
I moved out of the water and dried my body slowly, trying to let this newfound positivity rule me instead. I wanted to be in a much better mood when Laynee came back so that she wouldn’t worry too much. Maybe I could even get the gossip out of her about what happened when she went out on Valentine’s Day night. I’d been so wrapped up in my own problems that I hadn’t even asked her.
I had been a self-involved bad friend, and I didn’t want to carry on that way. I wanted to be so much better now. If I focused on that, rather than the gaping black hole that Milo had left in my life, then maybe I’d be able to get through it.
I grabbed my robe and threw it around my body, trying to walk with a bounce in my step as I made my way to the bedroom to get some clothes on, but it all felt so forced and fake. Still, eventually I would be okay again, and it was preferable to at least act happy until then.
It beat out moaning and complaining anyway, especially as it never got me anywhere. It hadn’t helped one bit when it came to Josh, and it certainly wouldn’t now. Milo was gone. Bitching wouldn’t bring him back, crying wouldn’t change the last words he spoke to me, but changing my own attitude would benefit me. That was the part I needed to focus on.
I was growing, I hoped, finding a new way of dealing with things. Whether it would work or not, time would only tell.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Milo – Sunday
Finally…
I slumped on the pool chair I had outside of my home, taking in the view as I stopped to take stock of life. I’d sorted out the stolen money, I’d organized everything so that the casino would be back up and running at normal capacity soon enough, I’d given Bill a stern talking to. Finally, everything was on its way to being back to normal.
So why did I feel so bad? Why didn’t I feel like I’d achieved much of anything? Why didn’t I feel like all the hard work I’d done was enough?
I thought back over the past few days, trying to work out just where my dissatisfaction lay, but nothing immediately jumped out at me.
Sure, maybe I had gone a little over the top when it came to getting my revenge, but no one got permanently hurt, and a lesson had to be learned. Maybe it was because I felt unsettled about the future of my casinos. That had been a real scare, and it made me rethink everything.
Actually, it made me yearn for Florence.
Florence, of course. That was where my upset lay. I’d been so wrapped up in Bill and the money loss that I’d left in a real hurry without even saying goodbye. I had been an asshole to Eliza. I’d brushed her off, taking my temper out on totally the wrong person, and now I felt sick and guilty about that. Not only had I not made her the dinner I’d promised her, I’d blown her off in the worst way possible. I’d broken her date, then broken her heart, too.
She probably hated me. I knew that I would if she’d spoken to me like that. I told her that I needed to get back to my real life, basically insinuated that everything I’d had with her was a waste of time. I was an idiot. Now I’d left her stewing on those words for a few days, rubbing salt in the wound. I’d be lucky if she ever spoke to me again.
I jumped up and stomped into the kitchen, needing to grab a drink. All that had happened was now hitting me in the worst way possible, and I didn’t like how I was viewing myself. I had made myself look like a terrible person, and that was an impression I couldn’t take back.
As I grabbed a beer and flicked the top off of it, I considered my options.
There wasn’t much chance that a text message would do it now, nor would a phone call, and I certainly didn’t think that a cold, impersonal email would make the cut. So how did I apologize? How did I explain my random, sudden departure to Eliza in a way that didn’t make her hate me more? How did I make her understand how sorry I was, how wrapped up I had been in the money at the time? How I could now see that I was wrong?
Maybe I didn’t. Maybe this was all a sign that I should just leave things be. Our lives were going to head in separate directions anyway; maybe this was the kindest way to do that. It meant we had no long, drawn out goodbyes, no sad send-offs, no doubts. It sucked now, but maybe it would be better in the long run. Maybe this was just the way it was supposed to happen…
I tried to imagine how Eliza might be feeling. I pictured her furious at me rather than upset, which was supposed to make me feel better about it, but actually left my heart churning and my emotions feeling a whole lot worse.
Shit, what the hell am I going to do? What a damn mess.
I heard Veil barking outside and went to join him with a deep sigh. This seemed like one of those problems with no real answers, not any that I liked anyway, so I needed to accept that. I found Veil lying on the floor, next to the sun lounger, waiting for me.
“Hey, buddy.” I stroked him gently, getting increasingly used to this whole talking to him thing. It still made me feel very stupid from time to time, but I was getting over that. Especially as he seemed to understand me… Unless I was just going nuts from all the loneliness. “It’s weird being back, isn’t it?”
I’d thought it’d suck to be back home, but I never realized just how much. I assumed I’d feel all right about it because I knew I was doing the right thing – doing Eliza a favor by keeping her away from my crazy life – but maybe I was wrong.
With Veronica, I’d opened up too much, too soon, and it had backfired horribly. With Eliza, it had taken me ages to open up even slightly. I’d edged my way open, bit by bit over time, but every time I did that, it felt good, and she never judged me. Even as I told her about my illness, she’d just listened. Then she kissed me, making everything feel all right.
“What am I going to do, Veil? Every choice I make in my mind feels wrong.”
; The view from my home no longer looked the same; I just didn’t love it as much anymore, and that was because I didn’t have Eliza to share it with. Not only was it not the beauty of Florence, but I didn’t have her with me to embrace.
This was definitely the biggest impact that anyone had had on my life, and I couldn’t believe that I’d tossed it aside so casually.
I grabbed my cell phone and put in a call to Justin, needing to talk to someone about this. I knew I could fully put my trust into him; I understood that he’d always be straight with me and also he had some experience of his own.
“Hey, Milo, how are you? I was just about to call you, actually. I’ve set the meeting up for you, so you can get all the paperwork drawn up. I have a lawyer organized, too.”
Of course, he instantly assumed this call would be about Landon. He didn’t know anything about what had come afterward. I did still want to do that business. I still wanted to work with Landon, that had just gotten forgotten in the haze of the five-million-dollar loss.
“Oh, yeah, great, thank you…” I could barely get my words out; my head was all over the place, which Justin picked up on right away. Just as I knew he would.
“You sound distracted; what’s up?”
“Oh, well, I guess you haven’t heard that my casino got robbed and smashed up.” I hated to burden anyone else with this, but I needed him to understand just why I’d acted so crazy. I didn’t want to just delve right into the part while I was a dick. I needed the explanation in place first.
“What the fuck? That’s insane!”
“I know, but it’s all right now. I know who it was and I got it all back. It was a whole revenge thing…”
“That’s just awful!” He sounded so pissed off on my behalf, causing me to smile a little bit. It felt nice to have someone on my side. It had been a long time since I’d felt that way.
“I know, but that isn’t the worst of it.” I paused, trying to work out the best way to phrase this. “I left in a hurry, I was in shock about the whole thing.”
“Understandable!”
“And in the process, I was kind of a dick to Eliza.”
There was a beat of silence while he tried to process that statement. “Eliza, the girl who rented you the cabin?”
“Yes.” Did that make me sound bad? “She had some trouble at her home, and she actually ended up staying with me for a bit.” It definitely wasn’t a normal situation to have to explain. “And as we got to know one another… Well, things just developed.” Oh God, I hated to sound like a dirtbag, was that how it was coming across? Would he think that I’d taken advantage of the situation? I needed to make myself clear.
“And, well, I like her. More than I’ve ever liked anyone before. She’s just so… perfect for me.”
“Wow, that’s heavy!” Justin agreed. “I never realized you were going through all that craziness. You should have told me when we hung out.”
“I know, but I wanted to focus on the business then.”
“So, what exactly is the issue?” he continued. “Go and apologize to Eliza. Tell her what happened.”
“But what if she doesn’t want to hear it?” I was whining now, but I couldn’t seem to stop myself.
“She will – if she’s as into you as you are her, then she will. Sitting around moping won’t get you anywhere, whereas getting up and doing something might. Surely that’s worth the risk?”
“Yeah, I think you’re right…” I replied a little distractedly. “I’m such an idiot.”
I just wasn’t used to anything relationship wise. I’d never had it before. I’d had flings, I’d been head over heels for someone who didn’t feel the same way, but this?
This was something I hadn’t had before. This was real, it felt fragile, and I was pretty sure if it broke it would take me with it. “Thanks, Justin; send me the details of the meeting, okay?”
Once I hung up the phone, I turned back to Veil, for some reason wanting his opinion, too. It was weird to think that I’d had him in my life for so long, and I’d never bonded with him like I did now. Eliza had brought that out in me. “What do you think, should we make that long ass drive again to see Eliza? Are you up for it?”
He barked like crazy, spinning around and wagging his tail, giving me a very clear answer. If that didn’t prove that he could understand me, then nothing ever would. The mere mention of Eliza’s name sent him wild; he adored her, and being apart from her hadn’t changed his mind at all.
“Okay, well, that was a nice, short visit home!” I chuckled loudly. “But I suppose it’s back out on the road again. Unless you want to wait here and I’ll fly out?” He instantly looked crestfallen at that suggestion, which made my decision for me. If Veil would rather be in the car with me for hours on end than not see Eliza, that had to mean a whole lot.
She was worth it – whatever it was going to take, she was worth it. I just had to hope she felt the same way about me. There was no guarantee this was going to turn out like I wanted it to, but I had to try. I needed to give it a go or I’d regret it forever more.
As I raced into my room, I felt good all over again. I’d been feeling like crap because of Eliza, and now I felt amazing to be doing something about it. This was positive, this was me doing something active, and Justin was right. It was much better than sitting around and waiting.
This was me finally grabbing life by the horns and going for it. This was the sort of action I was looking for when I wanted to turn my whole life around, and it felt incredible to be finally getting what I wanted from life. Finally, I felt like I was living again. It was awesome; it even had me grinning wildly like a madman. I didn’t know where this was going to take me, but at least I wouldn’t have any regrets.
Chapter Thirty-Six
Eliza – Sunday
The four walls felt like they were closing in on me. This apartment was starting to feel more like a prison than anything else. I absolutely had to get out.
Much to my surprise, Laynee had let me stay in all day long, and she’d stayed with me. It had felt like a blessing at the time, but now it felt like a curse.
I forced some clothes on my body, trying not to get too wound up by everything. I would be outside soon enough, and with some fresh air in my lungs, everything would feel easier. I would just head out to the local diner, grab myself something to eat, then decide where to go from there. I had a whole lot that I needed to do; it wasn’t exactly like I could afford another lazy day. I just needed to figure out where to start, and I couldn’t do that while everything felt so utterly overwhelming.
“Right,” I muttered, barely looking at my scruffy reflection in the mirror. “Time to go.”
As the cool air whizzed past my cheeks, I could feel a flush building up in my skin, and I started to feel more alive. This had all taken so much out of me, so it was good to have a bit more life in my body. It was exactly what I needed.
And as I entered the diner, and a whole bunch of familiar faces greeted me, my mood began to lift. Not by much – I still had a lot of sadness swimming around inside of me – but with other distractions, I didn’t have to focus on it so much.
“Hi, a BLT and a coffee please.” I smiled at the waitress. “Thank you.”
“Ooh, I thought that was you.” I spun around to see Mrs. Edwards smiling at me. “How are you, dear?” She pulled me in for a hug, not giving me the chance to create any distance between us. “I haven’t seen you since the other day in the salon.”
The other day… the day that Milo left. “Oh, yeah, I’m good, thank you,” I replied evasively. “How about you?” Nope, she wasn’t going anywhere; she was now taking the seat right beside me. There was no way that I’d get away without being asked about—
“So, how are things with you and your young man?” she jumped in, right on cue. “Did you make any decisions about what you’re going to do?”
I had to literally choke back a sob. I’d come here to avoid thinking about Milo, not to get dumped right in th
e middle of a conversation about him. “Actually, I decided against it,” I lied. “Your story made me realize that he wasn’t the one for me, so he left and now I’m just getting on with my own life.”
She furrowed her eyebrows as if she didn’t totally believe me, but luckily didn’t push it any further. “Oh, well, that is a shame. But a beautiful girl like you, you’ll find the one soon enough.”
“Yeah, I’m not too sure about that.” I felt myself blush at her words. “If it hasn’t happened yet, then maybe it isn’t going to. But thank you for saying so anyway, it means a lot.”
The waitress brought over my food, giving me the chance to make my escape, but all of a sudden, I found that I didn’t want to be alone anymore. Instead, I wanted to sit with Mrs. Edwards. She’d been through so much, she’d had such an interesting life, and to be perfectly honest, I wanted to hear about that rather than thinking about myself.
“So, Mrs. Edwards, you need to tell me more about yourself and that lovely husband of yours. He must have been special for you to sacrifice so much for.”
“Ooh, you have no idea…”
***
By the time I left the diner, I felt so good that I made a hasty decision that I hadn’t even considered for the day. I was on a high, flying on the amazing love story that had happened to someone I knew in real life, making it possible for me, too. But before that could happen, I needed to clear out the past. I needed to go to the cabin and clean it up.
It wasn’t going to be easy, I already knew that, but it was a necessity. I had no idea whether I’d be able to rent it out to anyone else, but if I ever made the decision to do so, then I didn’t want to have to tackle it then.
Admittedly, my strength started to wane as I pulled up the car and I took in the view. I had to remain in the driver’s seat for a while, sucking in calming breaths, trying to cool down my racing heart.