by Alexa Davis
“Of course not,” she laughed. “Well...maybe, but I don't care. I’m a mom now; I never get to go out anymore. I want to make the most of it.”
I attempted to adopt her carefree attitude, but I couldn't seem to quite find it, however hard I tried, so instead, I slunk behind her up to the bar, where I listened to her order us a couple of glasses of white wine. Maybe I would feel a little better with a bit of booze in my system.
Out of a need for something to do as Kerri flirted with the bartender, I allowed my eyes to scan over the bar, just to see if there was anyone else there I might remember. I tried to recall another face I’d like to see, but honestly, there wasn't anyone. Everyone else had been ships, merely passing through my life, I didn’t think there was any reason to reconnect with them. None of them would ever be as important to me as Kerri.
And then my eyes found him, sitting in the corner of the bar with another guy, a pint sitting in front of him, and a pale shock to his face as he stared back at me, too. Crazy bolts powered through me, rendering me frozen to the spot, simply staring at him like a mental person.
Why can’t we seem to avoid one another? Why does this keep on happening?
As I stared at Matthew again, this time in a more social environment, I couldn't stop my brain from going back to that horrifying moment, the one that changed absolutely everything.
It was the day I’d gotten my college acceptance letter, a happy moment in a time of my life that was so incredibly bleak. My dad had died only a few days before in a terrible motorcycle accident. I loved my dad; he was the center of my universe, so to lose him like that with no warning, it totally crushed me. With the rug of my life pulled out from beneath me, I didn’t even know what to think, never mind how to act.
How are you supposed to carry on when you’ve lost the most important person in your life?
With a whole range of emotions coursing through me, I had raced to Matthew’s home to tell him the good news. We’d always intended to go to college together, so I couldn't wait to find out where he had gotten into, as well, so we could finally discuss our future. Damn it, I needed something to look forward to! I knew my dad would want me to go, I knew how proud of me he was, so all I wanted to do was get the hell out of town to a place which didn’t hold any memories.
But when I got to his front door, his mother sadly informed me that he’d decided to go out to the party the rich kid in our year was holding. That information totally crushed me. How could he go out partying when my life was falling apart? Did I mean so little to him? And what the hell was I going to do now?
Chapter Nine
Matthew
Monday, At The Bar
“Shit,” I accidentally muttered aloud before I could catch hold of myself. I gripped onto my pint glass tightly, my heart racing painfully in my chest with nerves. When Willy and I agreed to go out for a drink, I thought I would be pushing some of my stress to the side, not facing my biggest fear right away.
“What’s the matter?” Willy asked me, concern filling his expression. “You’ve gone as white as a sheet, dude.”
“I... I erm... Nothing,” I did my best to brush it aside, but Willy was having none of it. He was giving me a look that suggested he could see right through me, so in the end, I nodded in the direction of the two women, accepting he was going to have a strong opinion on that one.
“Holy fuck,” he all but cried out, staring at me in complete and utter shock. “Is that who I think it is? Ashlee Baker, all grown up.” The impressed tone that filled his voice sent a strange, grinding sensation gnawing through me. I knew she was gorgeous, which was fine, and it was okay for others to admire her beauty, but I didn’t want anyone else actually wanting her in that way. In a strange way, even though many years had passed without us even being in one another’s lives, I still felt like she was mine.
Admittedly, a few years ago, after I staggered home following a drunken night out, alone for a change, the overwhelming urge to look Ashlee up online and to find out what she was up to had crept up through me. So despite knowing that it was going to be a bad idea, I logged on and checked her social media accounts.
Almost right away, after the initial flutter that came with seeing her face again, I was overwhelmed by the fact that we really didn’t know one another anymore, that we’d gone our separate ways and led different lives, and that was the way it would always stay. I’d logged off in an instant, a sickness swirling through me, and I’d vowed to put it to the back of my mind where I wouldn’t think of it ever again.
How little I knew about how things were going to turn out.
“Sure looks like it,” I replied quietly.
“Did you know she was coming back?” Willy asked me, staring deep into my eyes, trying to see how badly this had affected me. He was one of the only people who knew about how deeply this cut into me when it initially happened, but I’d done my best not to mention Ashlee for the last few years. A fine lot of good that had done me.
“I knew Peggy was back, I wasn't totally sure about Ashlee until I saw her earlier today in my clinic.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Willy gasped, before continuing without giving me the chance to answer. “Wow, this night just took an interesting turn! It’s like we’re in the seventh circle of Hell or something.”
“Maybe we should just go...” I tried, but clearly, I wasn't about to get anywhere with that one. Willy was already welcoming Ashlee and her friend Kerri over to the table, despite what I wanted.
In a weird way, it was like being back at high school, except for the fact that we would have been in the diner rather than at a bar and Willy wouldn’t have been with us. He was older than us, so he wouldn’t have hung around with us during the time we were at school. I knew him well because I grew up a couple of doors down from him, but we were more acquaintances back then. Our friendship didn’t fully develop until a little later, when I became something of a party boy and we could go out together.
“Hey, girls, come and have a drink with us,” he grinned, and I noticed them exchange glances with one another, communicating silently in the way that only women do. “It’ll be nice to catch up.”
I could instantly tell that Ashlee didn’t want to, that she wanted to escape just as much as I did, but she didn’t have any choice, either. Her friend grabbed her arm and sat her on the table across from us, bringing a cold and tense atmosphere with her, giving me the distinct impression that her rejection of me had much more to do with the past than the bad news I’d given her mother, although I was sure that hadn’t helped.
“So, what are you girls up to tonight?” Willy grinned, seemingly oblivious as to what was happening around him. Whether he really didn’t know, or he was pointedly ignoring it, I wasn't quite sure, but at least we weren’t all totally silent; that would have been so much worse.
“Oh, you know,” Kerri replied with a slightly flirty lilt to her voice. I’d heard that she had a bit of a reputation back in the day; not a massive one, she wasn't one of the easy girls, but these days it seemed like she was impossible to bed. Maybe Willy was about to crack through that tough veneer. “Just having a bit of fun, trying to get this one drunk.”
She nudged Ashlee, which caused my eyes to inadvertently to snap over to her, but I could see that her eyes were fixed on her fingers, and that was probably where they would stay. She didn’t want to look at me, she didn’t want to talk to me, and I had no idea how I was going to change that. How could I make her see how sorry I was? I knew that I’d done wrong, and that I’d acted the fool... How could I get her to see that I wasn't that young idiot anymore?
“Well, if you guys are getting drunk, then I suppose I better get the shots in!” Willy joked, before standing up to make his way over to the bar. Half of me wanted to stop him, to tell him that I couldn't get wasted because I had work in the morning, but the other part of me needed to get wasted to try and get through this incredibly awkward evening.
I guess I would have to just suc
k it up and deal with the hangover.
*****
Later in the evening, I wasn't quite sure how many hours had passed, things were so much better. The flirty banter between Kerri and Willy had stepped up to a whole new level, and they were now kissing frantically in the corner. There was something between them, an intense chemistry, and to be honest, it was much better with them making out. Before that, the sexual charge between them was almost too difficult to bear.
That was also made easier by the fact that Ashlee and I were now talking, just a little bit. It started off slow, us occasionally being involved in the same chat, but eventually, we were actually talking with one another. The drink was definitely facilitating that, as was the fact that we were carefully steering away from any difficult topics. As long as we kept things light and airy, everything would be fine.
As last call was yelled out across the bar, it quickly became clear Willy was getting to that stage with Kerri after all and they hopped into a cab together, leaving me and Ashlee alone. I wasn't sure if Willy could tell that things were finally okay between us now, or if he simply didn’t care. Luckily, it felt totally natural for us to be by ourselves, which was surprising, considering the way the night had started out.
“Would you like me to walk you home?” I asked, acting ever the gentleman. She wasn't totally wasted, but she was extremely tipsy, so there was no way I would leave her to walk by herself.
“Erm... I’m not sure,” she replied, biting anxiously on the end on her nail. “I feel really bad going back to my mom’s like this... I don't want her to see me in this state.”
“So why not come back to mine?” I shot back quickly. “You haven’t seen my new apartment yet; it’s nothing like my parents’ house whatsoever.”
I could instantly see a spark of recognition in her face, and that made my heart knot up excitedly. If she could recall things about our past as well as I could, it meant that they were stuck in her mind. And if she couldn't forget about them, it meant I still had a chance with her after all, didn’t it?
“You mean it isn’t decorated like a Victorian home?” she said, referring to all our jokes about how old-fashioned my parents always were. They were a lot older when they had me, which clearly showed in everything they did. Their house was filled with all kinds of creepy ornaments, and their parenting style was a little more...neglectful. I certainly was never close to them at any rate. Of course, I was sad when they passed away, but I was more gutted that I’d never ever managed to have a strong connection with them.
“It’s surprisingly modern!”
“Well this I have to see,” she nodded, before slipping her hand into mine, an action that felt as natural as breathing.
I knew for a fact that Ashlee agreeing to come back to my place wasn't an open invitation for us to have sex, but her walking so closely to me, talking to me like I was her best friend all over again, combined with the memory of my parents’ home, reminded me of the one time we did end up in bed together.
We’d been dating for a long time by that point, at least six months as far as I could remember, when she finally decided that she was ready to take things to the next level. I was ecstatic, of course; what teenage boy isn’t thrilled by the news that they are going to lose their virginity? But I was anxious, too. What if I didn’t know what to do? What if she hated every second of it? What if I hurt her badly? I got so wrapped up in the actual act of us doing it, that I didn’t take the time to consider how it might affect our relationship. Of course, back then, I didn’t know what was going to happen directly afterwards.
We arranged it for a night that my parents were away on some mini break, and she came over to my house in a sweet summer dress that instantly gave me a hard on. She didn’t even need to reveal the white, lacy underwear underneath to have me excited, but as soon as I got to see that, it made everything a million times worse.
This was the girl I loved, kissing me, petting me, lying next to me in the most virginal underwear known to man. At one point, I honestly wasn't sure that I was going to make it until the end, but luckily for both of us, I did.
It was awkward, of course it was; neither of us had any previous experience to go off of, but we muddled through it together and magically ended up having a nice time. I certainly had a massive smile on my face afterwards at any rate, and Ashlee had seemed happy, too.
“We should do that again sometime,” I had laughed at her, panting breathlessly, but before she got the chance to answer me, she received a hysterical phone call from her mother – the one where she would learn her father had been killed, after which nothing was ever the same again.
Chapter Ten
Ashlee
Monday
What the hell am I doing, going back home with Matthew? What on Earth is going through my mind? I mean, sure, things had been going well in the pub and my icy outer shell had managed to thaw as the alcohol flooded through my system, but this was on another level entirely. I’d made up the crappy excuse about not going home to my mom in that state on purpose, and now it seemed like I was about to follow through.
Maybe it was because it had been a really long time since I’d felt that chemistry with someone, and even though we’d only had sex once, Matthew was familiar to me. Or maybe it was seeing Kerri so freely throwing caution to the wind with Willy that made me want to do the same.
It seemed like the rest of the world was quite happy to have a little fun without worrying about the consequences, so why couldn't I for a change? I was always sensible, I was always smart, and it hadn’t gotten me anywhere. I was jobless, boyfriendless, and I was close to losing the only person I had left in the world. Why not just act totally wild and out of character for once?
As soon as we reached Matthew’s apartment, the atmosphere kicked up a notch. The friendly banter was still flowing freely between us as we moved from room to room, but there was something thick hanging in the air, and I wondered how long it would be before we stopped ignoring it and finally gave in.
“Well, you weren’t lying.” I grinned at him, the moment I’d seen everything. “It’s definitely different to how your parents had their home.” I wanted to bring up the fact that I knew his parents had passed, but that I hadn’t found out until a long time later, which was why I hadn’t said anything, but I didn’t feel like it was appropriate. It was clear we were avoiding any subjects that might change the mood and open the raw wound of the past, and I felt like this was just another one of those.
“I know. It’s crazy, but I wanted to live in this century for a change,” he laughed. “What a freak, right?”
He handed me a beer, which I accepted gratefully, before sitting next to him on the couch. As I glanced over to him, suddenly noticing exactly how close we were, my heart began to thunder in my chest and lust buzzed in my ears. This was the closest I’d been to Matthew in a decade, and I couldn't deny that it was making my body crazy.
Our eyes locked, and I felt the bottle start to slip from my fingers. I didn’t want it to smash on the ground, making a mess of such a clean apartment, so I leaned to the side, setting it down without breaking eye contact even once. I wasn't sure why, but I felt like our eyes held the magic and that if I let him drift away from me, everything would change. Now that I had him in my sights, I really wanted him and I didn’t want to lose that opportunity.
We stayed there, staring for a couple of seconds, and the next thing I knew, we were kissing frantically, my hands tangled up in his hair, his snaking around my waist, and in that moment, everything felt right with the world. I wasn't sure who had made the first move, but it was clear that we both wanted it, and that was all that mattered.
“Oh God, I’ve missed you,” Matthew groaned against my lips. “You have no idea how much.”
I wanted to tell him that I had missed him, too, that I’d been thinking about him for the past decade, that I had wished a million times that things had gone differently, but I couldn't seem to get the words past my lips. I was alre
ady becoming swallowed up by the emotions, consumed by the sensations that were coursing merrily through my body, so in the end, I decided to just go with that. He was making me feel good, and considering the shitty few days I’d had, that was nothing short of a miracle, and I couldn't argue with that.
“Let’s go to my bedroom,” he eventually gasped as his mouth worked its way over my neck and his fingers ever so lightly trailed up and down my thighs. “We’ll be more comfortable there.”
This was it: my moment to be smart, my chance to stand up and walk away, leaving this a forgettable split-second of madness we would never have to discuss again, but I already knew that wasn't going to happen. I’d opened the can of worms; it was time to delve inside.
“Sounds good,” I whispered as a reply, while my eyes flickered shut and my head lolled to one side in ecstasy. “Let’s go.”
Matthew stood up, practically dragging me kicking and screaming from the bubble of pleasure that we’d been floating in only moments before, and he held his hand out to me, grabbing mine before leading me down the hallway.
As we moved through his home, my focus was only on the back of him; his dark hair, cropped closely to his head, his rippling shoulder muscles that hadn’t been there the last time we were together, that toned butt of his, and the excitement within me grew. This was going to be the experience of a lifetime, I could just tell: nothing like the first and only time we’d been together. We were older now, with more experience under our belts, and I felt that would make things incredible.
As we reached his bedroom, that heady, dizzy lust consumed my brain once more, and I simply allowed him to walk me backwards until I collapsed happily onto the sheets beneath me, just because his mouth was on mine. There was something about his lips, something incredible, and in that moment, I honestly felt like he could have had me doing anything.
He slipped my dress up over my head, allowing his hands to flow over my skin as he did, heightening every sensation. As soon as I was lying there in only my underwear, his eyes lit up with happiness. There was a fire in his gaze, a strong desire behind his eyes that had me squirming and writhing uncontrollably on the bed. I was starting to get the feeling that if I didn’t have him now, I might just die.