by Alexa Davis
I got home in a panic, things with my mom fully taking over my brain, pushing everything that just happened with Matthew out to one side. My heart was racing in my chest, my mind spinning, my body trembling with fear. I knew that Mom was a very proud woman, and that she wouldn’t have contacted me unless things were really bad, which had me absolutely petrified.
“Mom?” I yelled out as I burst through the door. “Mom, are you okay? Where are you?”
She didn’t instantly answer me, which had me tearing through the house, running from room to room, until I finally found her lying on the bathroom floor. As I saw her there, looking far too skinny, weak, and fragile, her entire body slick with sweat, I couldn't stop myself from gasping out in shock, clapping my hand loudly across my mouth.
Oh fuck, oh my God.
I tucked my hands underneath her armpits and began to lift her upright, the sudden movement causing her eyes to flicker open. Rather than filling me with relief, this made me feel even worse because they were glazed over, almost completely white. It was as if she was a shell of her former self, as if her spark had completely gone out, and there was nothing left.
“Mom?” I asked thickly, trying to gulp down the thick ball of emotion that was lodged firmly in my throat. “Mom, are you all right?”
“Ashlee,” she whispered gently, a smile spreading across her cheeks. “You came.”
“Of course I did!” I pulled her body closer to mine, holding her in a deep embrace. My eyes were welling up, the tears were gathering behind my lids, but I couldn't let them out just yet. Not when I needed to be strong. “I came right away. What’s happened? Did you pass out? Were you sick?”
I was trying to work out whether I needed to call ambulance, but she wasn't giving me anything. Instead, she mustered up all the strength that she had left, and she ran her fingers gently down my cheeks, making it incredibly difficult to keep it all inside.
“Ashlee, you are the greatest blessing in my life,” she said, with an air of finality to her tone. “I honestly couldn't have survived without you. You kept me going when your dad died, and you’ve given me a reason to live ever since. I honestly don't think that I could have made it this far without you.”
I didn’t like this one bit; it sounded far too much like a goodbye speech, and there was no way in hell that I would let her give up. I couldn't do this alone, I couldn't exist without her, and I feared that if she gave up the fight, it wouldn’t be long before she slipped away from me.
“Mom, stop talking like that,” I pleaded with her. “You just need some rest and you’ll be fine. Just... Let me take care of you, okay?”
“I want you to take care of yourself,” she tried, but I completely ignored that remark. Peggy Baker was a fighter – that was the only reason that I’d been able to survive until this point. She wasn't going to cave, not under my damn watch. I wouldn’t allow it.
I picked her up, and carried her into the bedroom, my heart thundering fearfully the entire time. I tried to keep my mind focused in on the end goal, on getting her to bed where I knew that she’d be able to rejuvenate, but her words kept circling through my mind the entire time, making it very difficult to concentrate.
Don’t do this to me, Mom, I thought to myself as one, stray tear made its escape. Don't leave me like this.
“I’ll be up to check on you in a bit,” I whispered to her, even though she was already asleep. “There’s a glass of water next to you if you need it, and I’m just down the stairs.”
Then I placed a small kiss on her forehead and I made my way out into the hallway, where I collapsed in a pathetic heap on the floor and wept like a baby. I cried for the way that my mother’s life had gone. I sobbed because I couldn't bear to not have her with me. I wept because there wasn't a damn thing that I could do about it. It felt like even if we started some sort of treatment right then, it might be too late anyway.
*****
The next few times that I went in to check on my mom, she was still fast asleep, and honestly starting to look just a little bit better. I tried to convince myself not to be scared about things anymore, and to just take that as a bad moment that wouldn’t be repeated, but I couldn't quite muster up the confidence that I needed in that theory.
I kept aimlessly wandering from room to room, just needing something to distract me from the whirlwind that was going on in my mind. I occasionally dusted things, moved things around, until eventually I stumbled across the mail. I already knew that I had a lot of stuff that had been redirected to be looked through, but I’d been putting it off for a while because I hadn’t wanted to face all the debts I’d amassed, but I supposed that while I was already feeling shitty, I might as well add to it.
I sighed deeply and sat at the kitchen table before tearing the first and worst one open. I hated looking at my student loans that I still needed to pay off; it always caused a tight knot of anxiety to form in my stomach. One that wouldn’t loosen for a very long time.
“What the fuck?” I spat out the water in my mouth as I looked at my current total owed. I was expecting to see the thousands upon thousands that normally looked back at me, taunting me, reminding me that I didn’t earn nearly enough money. But this time the amount was completely different. “Zero? How the fuck is it zero?” I muttered. “Who the hell has paid that off? Or is it a mistake?”
But then my eyes flickered up towards the roof, and I started to form a very solid idea of who might have done it. In that moment, an intense sense of panic started to consume me, and I knew that I needed to get out. Being inside, among the four, very claustrophobic walls, was going to send me insane. I needed to suck some fresh air into my lungs before I exploded and cracked in half... and there was only one place in the world that I could be.
‘Hi Kerri,’ I grabbed hold of my phone to text my best friend. ‘I have a massive favor to ask. Mom is sick today, so I don't want to leave her alone, but I really need to get out. She’s asleep at the moment, so I was wondering if you could come and watch her for a little while. Love you, x’
I wrapped my arms around myself, trying to hold myself together while my mind went all over the place. This was all too much, it felt too intense, and I was honestly scared that I was about to lose my shit.
‘Be there in five... xxx’
Oh, thank God. What the hell I would do without Kerri? I had no idea.
As she turned up as promised only a few moments later, I pulled her in for a big, grateful hug. “Thank you so much,” I whispered to her. “I won’t be long, I promise.”
“Grant and I will be fine here,” she reassured me, instantly able to see that I was going stir crazy. “You take as long as you need, okay? There’s nothing for you to worry about.”
Sending her a quick nod before I lost myself to tears all over again, I spun around sharply and made my way forward. I knew exactly where I was going, so even though I hadn’t been there for a very long time, I didn’t even need to think about it. I could just allow my feet to move one in front of the other until I eventually arrived.
Dad... I thought to myself as the tears started rolling once more. Dad, I’m so sorry that I haven’t been to see you for such a long time. Sometimes, it’s just hard to even think about you.
As I walked through the graveyard to the top, where he was buried under his favorite type of tree, I felt an odd sense of calm starting to overcome me. It was as if he were by my side, holding me, comforting me when I needed it the most.
Before he died, he had been the most rational, caring person in my life, and I could feel that once more.
“What the hell?” I murmured to myself as I spotted his headstone, complete with a massive bunch of flowers that could have only been a couple of days old. I knew that my dad was a popular man, but since a decade had passed, I could hardly believe that people were still coming to see his grave. Not with the way that life moved on so rapidly, but I also knew that it couldn't have been Mom. She was far too sick to make it.
I shook my hea
d rapidly, trying to push that thought from my mind. There was no point in trying to solve a mystery when I had a million other issues on my mind. Instead, I allowed my body to slide down the tree until my butt hit the ground with a thump.
In the olden days, when Dad had only just passed, I used to talk to him a lot in my mind, which helped me to feel a whole lot better. But I’d been neglecting him recently, and I felt guilty for that.
I am sorry, Dad, I thought once more. Things have just been...crazy. You might already know about Mom, and about her illness. What do you think that I should do about that? I’m stuck. I want to help her, to get her the treatment that she needs, but she doesn’t want that for herself.
I allowed my head to hang in shame as I realized how selfish I’d been. I’d only been thinking about my needs, my desire to cling onto my mom. I hadn’t been thinking at all about her desire to be finally free from illness and pain.
I know that Mom is ready to die now, that she wants to be with you again, she’s pretty much told me that... But I can’t seem to let her go. I don't want to face the truth. Am I being selfish, Dad, or do you understand? God, I wish that you were here. You would know what to do. I wish that I could ask you to...give me a sign or something crazy like that, but of course that’s impossible...
Crunch.
The noise made me jump in shock, my brain believing for a second that my dad was somehow communicating with me, but logic quickly jumped in and squashed that thought before it could take hold of me.
Crunch.
The second time I spun around, needing to know the source of the sound, just in case I wasn't being a crazy person. I was shocked to find myself looking at the silhouette of a male figure, someone who was coming towards me, someone who had my heart flapping like crazy. Was it who I thought it was? Had he come for me? Was this somehow my sign from my dad?
“Matthew?” I called out. “Matthew, is that you?”
Chapter Thirty-One
Matthew
Wednesday
“Ashlee?” I replied, just as surprised to see her as she was me. “Is that you?”
As far as I knew, Ashlee hadn’t been to see her father’s grave since the funeral. I just assumed that it hurt her to do so, a sentiment which I fully understood...especially when she moved away, making it impossible for her to come on a regular basis.
That, plus my guilt for not attending the funeral, had me coming there all the time, needing to pay my respects.
As Ashlee turned to face me, I was shocked to see the tears streaming down her face. I hadn’t seen her cry in a very long time, and it honestly made my heart wrench for her.
All I wanted to do was reach out and hug her, to hold her close to me and to give her all the comfort that she so clearly needed, but I knew I couldn't. She wasn't quite there yet, she wasn't ready for it, and I had to respect that. I needed to be patient. I was acutely aware of what was likely to be happening with her mom, and however helpless that made me feel, however much I wanted to do something and couldn't, it had to be a million times worse for Ashlee.
“What are you doing here?” she snapped back, eventually spotting the flowers in my hand. She didn’t look as happy as she might have under normal circumstances, which meant that things had to be bad. I sucked in a deep breath, expecting the worst because that rage had to go somewhere, and I was about right because the next words that left her lips were dripping with temper. “Why are you bringing Dad flowers when you didn’t even come to his funeral?”
And there it was. The confrontation that I’d been expecting for a very long time. It had finally arrived, and honestly, it didn’t feel as good as I expected it to, to have the chance to get my side of the story across. “I was there,” I told her quietly. “You might not have seen me, but I was there.”
“What do you mean?” she gasped, clearly taken aback by my admission. At the time, I never planned to tell her as much, but there didn’t seem to be any point in trying to hide it now. Not when the truth could serve to set us both free from a past that had spent a decade holding us back. “I didn’t see you.”
“No, you weren’t supposed to.” I pointed to a tree over in the distance, her eyes following my finger in confusion. “I might have missed the bit in the church, but I was here the whole time. I hid behind that tree, watching you come out with the coffin, I saw him go into the ground... I was here the entire time.”
A range of emotions crossed her face, which I was expecting. Of course, she would be confused about my choice. I didn’t quite get it myself even now, even after all that time. “Why... Why didn’t you just come and join us?”
I sighed deeply, preparing myself to give the shittiest excuse of all time. “Look, your dad was more of a dad to me than anyone else. I mean, I love my biological dad, but he didn’t understand me in the way that your dad did. He never tried to connect with me in the same way.”
I held my head in my hands, slumping my body to the ground beside Ashlee, the despair getting to me all over again. “When he died, it damn near killed me. I didn’t know what to do with myself, never mind how to help you. I know that I acted stupidly by going out to that party and getting stupid drunk when you needed me, I guess that I just needed to forget... I don't know, that sounds so ridiculous.”
I sucked in a few, deep breaths of air, trying to calm my racing mind. This statement was so important and I didn’t want to fuck it up by not getting it out in the right way. “And then we fought, and we both said some terrible things... I guess I just assumed that you didn’t want to see me again. I already knew that it was going to be the most horrible, most stressful day of your life, and I didn’t want to add to that. All I could think about was the idiot I’d been when I was wasted, so I guess that I was too embarrassed, as well.”
“I needed you,” she admitted to me, giving me a serious look. I could tell that she wasn't trying to make me feel bad by saying this, but that she just wanted to be honest with me, and that felt good. It felt like we were finally taking a step in the right direction. “I wanted you there with me, despite all the other bullshit, and I hoped that we would be able to see past that to get through that day.”
“Urgh, I know, and I’m sorry.” I pumped my fists, angry at myself for being such a tool back then. “I guess in my naivety, I just couldn't see that.”
“Don’t worry,” she replied kindly, lightly touching my hand as she spoke. “With hindsight, I can see all of that now. I was lost in my grief, constantly pushing you away, and that made you snap. I couldn't see past my own sadness. I didn’t even consider that you were hurting, too, so I’m as much to blame as you are for where things went wrong between us.”
“No,” I started, but she held up her hands to silence me.
“Look, it’s done now. It’s behind us. Dad wouldn’t want us fighting, not speaking for a decade over this. He lived in the moment, he always did, and he would want us to put it all far behind us.”
I remained silent for a moment, lost in my own thoughts before I finally figured out what to say next. Ashlee was hurting, dying inside from the loss of her father, which she’d never properly come to terms with, and her mother being sick. She didn’t need to circle over the past again and again, dragging up stuff to cause her even more pain.
What she needed was to talk about something happy, something more upbeat, something to remember him by in a light-hearted way.
“Did your dad ever tell you about the first time that he took me fishing?” I asked her, a small smile playing on my lips. “When I dropped the fishing rod into the water, and he tripped over the bait bucket, spilling maggots everywhere?”
I never told Ashlee about it at the time because I was still at the stage of wanting to impress her. Back then, I only accepted the invitation to go fishing because I assumed that she would be there, too, but I found myself pleased when she didn’t come because it gave me the chance to find that strong, male role model that my life had been missing – a man I could talk to when things got ro
ugh.
“No,” she chuckled lightly, brushing the tears away from her eyes. “But after you’ve told me, I have to tell you the story of how he reacted when he very first found out about us.”
After that, we went on to exchange all our happiest memories about her dad. It was the sort of thing that we should have done right after he died, and maybe if we’d been older when it happened, I would have thought to do so. But in my young, stupid mind, I didn’t. In fact, I did the complete opposite.
I could tell that this was cathartic for her, that it was helping her to come to terms with things, and it made me realize just how important she was to me. I’d always know it, of course, it was obvious, but to have her sitting in front of me, allowing me to make her feel better, it hit me hard.
She needed me, and I wanted her to.
I wanted to be her shoulder to cry on, her rock to rely on when things got tough. I wanted to be the first person she thought of when she needed someone to talk to, and I hoped that through all of this, she would allow me to be that person.
“I’m always here for you,” I told her calmly, when we finally had a moment of silence. “You know that, right?”
She nodded tightly, clearly overcome by emotion, and I watched in horror as the tears trickled down her face once more. She was spending too much time trying to be strong, holding it all in, and it seemed like she’d finally gotten to a point where some things were beginning to spill over the edge.
I refused to hold back any longer, no longer wanting to second guess myself. That was the mistake that I’d made before. Ashlee needed me, and I wanted to be there, so I pulled her body closer to me, enveloping her in a hug.
“Is there anything I can do now?” I asked her quietly, practically whispering into her ear. “Is it your mom? Do you want me to come and see her?”
I knew that I was stepping into dangerous territory, but I was also sure that this was what she needed. She probably didn’t want me to ask because she didn’t want to step on any toes, and also because she didn’t want to hear any bad news, but I had no intention of giving her that. Deep down, she knew what was going to happen. I would just come with her and see if there was anything that I could do...anything that Peggy would allow me to do.