by Alexa Davis
My parents didn’t seem overly happy to be together most of the time, and Brandon and Helen certainly didn’t make one another ecstatic. What the hell was the point of getting into that before I needed to? There didn’t seem to be anything that instantly came to mind!
As Tom paid and exited the building, I finally spun back around to face Max. “Can you believe that?” I shook my head, still feeling a little bit in shock. “That’s a bit much, isn’t it? Even from the old man. Does he really know what he’s on about?”
Max didn’t immediately give me the answer that I wanted, making my hackles raise even further. He paused, bit down on his bottom lip and moved towards the kettle to make me a drink. “I dunno, Adam. You know as well as I do that Ol’ Man Tom is wise. What annoys you in the first place usually turns out to be right.”
“Yeah, sure,” I scoff. “So because of Tom you’re suddenly going to think about settling down? You’re worse with commitment than I am.”
“Look at you.” He pointed towards my face. “You’re hung over and exhausted, again. I never see you look anything but tired. You’re always out into the late hours doing God knows what with whoever. It isn’t really me that needs his advice.”
That pissed me off. There was a part of me that wanted to jump up and storm out of the shop before this could turn into an argument, but I didn’t. I remained where I was with my arms folded tightly and defensively across my chest.
Max was my best friend, the only one who could speak sense to me, the only one brave enough to try. Even if I didn’t like it, I had to stick it out and listen. I wasn’t about to address any of his comments about my lifestyle and being tired, but I wasn’t going to leave, either.
Max took the hint and sat across from me. He rested he elbows onto his knees and looked up at me with an unreadable expression on his face. “I haven’t seen you since the honorary dinner,” he commented, clearly changing the subject to try a different tactic. “How did that go?”
I purposely hadn’t been to see Max until I felt ready to talk about it because I knew he’d want all the details. It had taken me a while to work up past that, and I didn’t know how the fuck I felt about everything stage.
“It was awful,” I told him honestly. “Just as I knew it would be. Dad was a dick as usual. He spent most of the night putting me down, acting like I was a fucking embarrassment to him, then the other half talking about how God damn amazing Brandon is. It was just unbearable, but you know how it is with them.”
Max nodded slowly, digesting this. His expression didn’t change because it wasn’t exactly a shock. Just the same old story spinning around and around again. Nothing ever changed. “So how was the girl? Denise’s friend? Did she not make it any more bearable?”
My heart froze in my chest when I thought about Lindsey. The blood ran cold throughout my whole body. It had been difficult to think about anything but her since the meal, but I didn’t know if my emotions towards her were good or bad.
“Erm, she was alright,” I replied as my cheeks heated up. I wasn’t sure why I was reddening, but there wasn’t anything I could do about my body’s instinctive reaction. “She looked good, thanks to the expensive dress I brought her, and she handled my parents well.” Better than well actually, she did a damn good job with them. “She was nice.” I nodded decisively. “Yeah, she was nice.”
“But?” Max asked with an intense stare boring right down into me, knowing me all too well. “There’s obviously a ‘but’ in this sentence, so let’s get to it.”
I sighed loudly, hating this memory most of all. “But then the end of the night came and she got all weird. She’d been really supportive of me up until that point but then something was said about my dad and she got all on my case about not having a job.” I tossed my hands in the air in dismay. “I mean, she doesn’t even know me. What right does she have to comment on my life?”
Max remained tight lipped. Whatever he felt the need to say this time was obviously bad because he didn’t have the courage to voice it. Under any other circumstances, I probably would have pushed to hear it, but I wasn’t in the mood. I shook my head and kept silent. If I wanted a yes man, then I wasn’t in the right place – but maybe it wasn’t the worst idea in the world to learn that I wasn’t always right.
“I suppose it’s good that you don’t have to see her again then,” Max finished with a half smile. “Right? You paid her already.”
“I did…” I trailed off as I got to the second awkward part of my story. “But Mom invited her to a barbecue they’re having this weekend…something to celebrate Brandon, I can’t remember what. I lost interest by that point.” I eyed my friend curiously, wondering if there might be another way around this. “I don’t suppose you want to come, do you? It’s Saturday afternoon, into the evening I presume.”
Max shook his head regretfully. “I’m sorry, I have work this weekend. I promised some of the regulars that I’d come in for them. You know how it is – I can’t let them down. I don’t want them to start going elsewhere.”
I knew it was a long shot getting my workaholic friend to come along, but I still felt disappointed. “Yeah, alright fine.”
“But why don’t you take this Lindsey? I know she might have said some things that you didn’t like but she did put up with your shit storm of a family all evening.” Hmmm, he was right there. It took a strong person to do that. “And aside from that one comment, it soundsl ike she was nice.” I hated the way that I could feel his claws slowly digging into my skin, his words were getting to me without me wanting them to. “Plus, you don’t want to have to come up with a bullshit explanation for your family, do you? You can’t say you’re in a serious relationship one minute, then broken up the next. Not without looking like a failure.”
God damn it, does he have to be right?
I really didn’t want to admit it to myself but I knew for a fact that he was. “Yeah, I suppose so. It’s just…” I didn’t know how to word it, it was all a little strange. “I don’t know how I feel around her, you know?” He gave me a look so bewildered that I almost wanted to burst into hysterical laughter. “No, nothing like that. I’m not about to just go back on my word and get married to her, no way. I’m not even going to fall for her. She just puts me on edge. That’s all.”
Max reached for his scissors and moved to stand behind me. The fact that he hadn’t yet said anything put me right on edge. “I’m going to give you a trim,” he said, completely ignoring my comments. “You need it if you’re going to look good for this barbecue. Plus, it’ll keep your mother happy. You turning up with a girlfriend, one that she actually likes,” Max knew how Mom felt about Helen all too well, “and with good hair, too. What more can she want?”
“Ha ha very funny,” I replied with a sarcastic grimace, but I turned around to face the mirror and let him chop away. As I stared at my reflection I wondered how I felt about actually taking Lindsay to the barbecue. At first I didn’t want to, then after I spoke to her I grew excited by the idea, but now after that snide little comment from her I didn’t think I wanted to be around her at all.
Then again, maybe Max was right. I didn’t want to solely judge her on one little remark that probably wasn’t made as I took it. I was a little sensitive about the subject matter, if I was totally honest with myself.
“You don’t think I’m letting Mom get too excited about a relationship that isn’t real?” I finally asked Max cautiously. “I don’t want to hurt her more in the long run.”
Max smiled secretly to himself as if he knew something that I didn’t. I could see him in the mirror, but I didn’t think that he was aware of that. “No, I don’t think so. You know all that she wants is for you to be happy, so just act happy for a little while longer. Worry about what comes after later on. It isn’t like you see your parents every day, so you can pull it off for a while. I just think you should take Lindsey to the barbecue so you don’t have to face it alone.”
“Hmm, yeah,” I remarked quietly
, not giving too much away. I didn’t know what I was going to do yet. “Maybe I will.”
Chapter Twelve
Lindsey
Friday
I glanced down at my cell phone screen, wondering what was wrong with me that I felt a crushing sense of disappointment that I still hadn’t heard anything from Adam about this barbecue. What the hell did it matter? I’d offered to do it for free, I assumed there wasn’t any more payment involved, so why would I care about spending any more time with him? “…so they want to do a sequel to the film, only this time with me in the starring role…”
Oh right, of course. Denise. God, I loved the girl, but right now she was killing me with jealousy.
Sure, it wasn’t exactly a big Hollywood movie, it would likely end up going straight to DVD with barely anyone seeing it until one day it made it onto some awful cable channel, but still I couldn’t help the envy. She was getting somewhere with her career, I could see her acting making progression every single day, while I was still stuck in the same rut doing absolutely nothing. I hated it. I didn’t begrudge her any success, she’d worked damn hard for it, but I wanted it for myself.
Is this how it’s going to be now? I thought morosely to myself. All because I turned down the role getting nude? Is that a decision I’m going to regret forever more?
I didn’t want the money or the success necessarily. I just wanted to be able to make a decent living doing what I loved. The nest egg wouldn’t last forever – I needed to start taking action.
“I mean, it’s great isn’t it?” Denise giggled, oblivious to my inner turmoil. “How lucky am I? It can only be up from here. I don’t think this is going to be my big break necessarily, but it might lead to my big break.”
Bitter jealousy coiled like a snake right through my organs. I could almost feel it bursting through me, desperately wanting to explode. I can to really fight it to keep it inside. The last thing I wanted to do was put down my friend when she was in such a good place.
“That’s great,” I replied with a bright, fake smile. “I think I need to get on to Vivian some more, push her to search more roles out there for me.”
“You should go now,” Denise encouraged me. “I always find that a face-to-face meeting, especially an unexpected one, kicks a boot up their ass more than anything else. It proves that you’re serious and that you’re willing to do…you know, anything.”
We both knew that I wasn’t willing to do anything, the last few days had proven that, but with envious boiling hot blood pumping through my body making my heart pulsate in my ear drums, I did feel more willing to do things that I wouldn’t normally… including storming into Vivian’s office to demand she find me something. Or to at least ask nicely.
“Yeah, I think you’re right.” I grabbed my jacket and purse before I could change my mind. Maybe I didn’t look my absolute best, but that didn’t matter. This wasn’t an audition, only a meeting. “I’m going to see her now.”
“You go, girl!” Denise cried out, acting like a teenager. “Go and demand that she work harder for you. That’s what she’s there for, after all. Don’t take no for an answer and all that.”
I gave her a grateful smile and slammed the door closed behind me. As I raced down the stairs, I felt utterly filled with the positivity that Denise had just given me. I was motivated and driven, ready to grab life by the horns to make something positive happen. It wasn’t until I got outside into the cool fresh air that my good mood waned just a little bit. I wasn’t sure what changed exactly, it was just all of a sudden a sense of hopelessness grabbed hold of me.
How am I going to take action with Vivian, the sharpest, scariest woman ever, when I’m being so passive when it comes to Adam? And more to the point – why do I even care?
I couldn’t work it out – my motivation was a mystery even to me. I could have quite easily just chalked it up as a loss and forgotten about Adam, but there was something about that lonely, lost look in his eyes that drew me in and made me want to know more about him and his complex life that proved money didn’t ever buy happiness,
Maybe after I’ve done this, I’ll find a way to communicate with him again… maybe.
***
The subway ride over to Vivian’s sleek office only served to ramp up my nerves even further. Without Denise by my side, making me jealous and egging me on all in one go, I wasn’t quite so sure that I could do it. I wasn’t one for confrontation, so this felt utterly terrifying, but I did have to take action, there was no denying that. I had to do something before I ended up in a financial mess again. The sooner I started, the more comfortable I could feel.
Just do this, I convinced myself through deep breaths while I stared up at the towering office block in which Vivian worked. Her office might have only been one small organism in the whole thing, but the intimidation I felt inside was mammoth enough for that aspect not to matter. Just do it.
With one more deep, calming breath, I pushed my way through the front door and headed towards the elevator. All sorts of business and fashion types stood around me, chatting to one another at a million miles an hour, reminding me yet again that I didn’t belong.
I knew that I was a strange breed, a shy introvert who loved acting, but that was just who I was. I knew I was good, too. I knew that I could do it well or I wouldn’t have continued to pursue it. There was no way I would put myself through embarrassment every time if I didn’t know I could do it. I just had to push myself more – that was all.
Once the elevator stopped and everyone stepped inside, I felt crushed, like I couldn’t breathe. It certainly wasn’t the sort of environment where I could collect my thoughts and decide just what I wanted to say. If anything, it added to my levels of stress, especially as the crowd didn’t thin out at all. The more people that got out on each floor, the more piled in, so by the time we reached twenty two and I could finally escape, the relief was so intense that it almost floored me.
“Lindsey?” Patrick, Vivian’s very handsome assistant stared at me in surprise as I crashed through the office door. “I wasn’t expecting to see you today. I don’t think you’re on the appointment list.”
His eyes flickered to the screen and I could see him growing frantic that he’d made a mistake so I needed to intervene before he gave himself a heart attack. “Oh no, I was in the neighborhood, and I just wanted to drop in. You know, if Vivian’s available at all?”
So much for storming in and demanding to be seen!
“Oh right.” Still he looked bewildered, almost as if he couldn’t quite handle the intrusion. I felt bad. I never should have done this without calling first. Why did I let Denise talk me into this?
Just as I parted my lips to say something apologetic, Vivian burst out to see what the noise was all about. As soon as she spotted me her lips curled up into a slightly sinister smile. I suppose that was to be expected since I wrecked the last audition she got for me with my precious morals.
“Lindsey,” she said, smooth as silk. “Come in, let’s have a chat.”
As she twisted around and she swept back into the room, I followed her with trembling legs. Everything suddenly felt icy cold and wrong; I knew that I’d made a huge mistake by coming here. I wished that I could turn on my heels and run before it got too much. But I didn’t, I couldn’t. Instead, I took a seat in front of Vivian and nervously waited my comeuppance.
“I assume that you’re here to see me about work, since you let my good friend Ian down with the last role I got for you.”
I gulped down the thick guilty ball of emotion that lodged firmly in my throat. “Right,” I rasped uncomfortably. “Sorry about that.”
I braced myself, waiting for an onslaught, but somehow that didn’t come. It seemed that Vivian was even to angry at me to yell, which had to be the most rage-filled that she’d ever been around me. “Well,” she said coldly and calmly. “I don’t know what I can do for you at the moment with the sort of roles that you’re looking for.” She raked her eyes up and
down my body, making me shift awkwardly in my chair. “The industry wants a much thinner figure for that sort of job.”
What? I wanted to scream in utter shock, but it seemed her words had rendered me speechless. I was very slim, almost too slim. I wished for a curvier figure like Denise’s. How the hell was it that she was getting leading roles, and I was being told that I was too big? The words coiled violently through my stomach, making me want to throw up. I never ever thought that I would hear those words, and they drained my entire body of color.
“I will see what I can do, of course,” Vivian continued, acting apologetic. “But I can’t make any promises at the moment.” She stood up, indicating that the meeting was over before I could even respond. I wanted desperately to say something, to yell and stand up for myself, but somehow the words weren’t quite there. I couldn’t seem to find the courage. “Now, if you’ll show yourself out…”
I wasn’t sure what happened next, my body seemed to snap into autopilot mode. I must have somehow got up, probably thanked Vivian, and walked from the building. It wasn’t until the fresh air hit my face that any senses came back to me at all, and even then it wasn’t until I heard my phone ringing that I realized where I was.
Without thinking much, I just wanted the noise to end, I grabbed the phone from my bag and hit answer. “Hello?” I all but whispered.
“Lindsey? It’s Adam.”
Oh fuck. Just what I needed: the call that I’d been waiting for to come now. This had to be karma punishing me for something. If only I knew what.
“Yes, Adam.” I tried my hardest to sound normal, although I wasn’t sure I pulled it off. If I really thought about it, he sounded a bit stiff, too. “How are you?”
“Good.” He paused for just a moment. “I know this is a bit last minute, but did you still want to go to the barbecue tomorrow?” I didn’t answer right away because the thought of socializing with those awful people again while I was in this fragile state of mind made me feel sick to my stomach. But Adam mistook my silence for something else. “I will pay you, of course. The same rate as last time.”