by Alexa Davis
Denise moved by my side and she put her arm over my shoulder in a comforting gesture. A childish part of me wanted to shake it off, but I didn’t. I simply froze instead.
“I know this isn’t easy to say, but you just need to be careful, Lindsey. I don’t want you to end up getting hurt. I don’t know much about this guy, but since money is exchanging hands I think that you need to treat this like any other acting job.”
“But…” I couldn’t stop myself from sounding like a child. A small lost girl who didn’t know where the hell to look. “But he’s invited me out again. To a Christmas dinner next week.”
“With his family?” I shook my head, hating the way that Denise was twisting my words and zapping the happiness from me. “Oh. And not on Christmas Day? Why not?”
“I don’t know.” Actually, that was a good point. I didn’t even think about that before. “Adam didn’t say. He just invited me and I agreed to go along.” I shrugged and acted like I didn’t care, but really it was messing with my mind. Now I had nothing but questions in my mind. “I was just happy that he wanted to see me again, you know?”
“Did he offer to pay you for this Christmas dinner?” I didn’t even bother to answer that, which gave Denise everything that she needed to know. She sighed loudly and stepped away from me as if I disappointed her. “Look, just don’t get too wrapped up in your role, that’s all.”
I grabbed the cloth and cleaned even harder as Denise’s words circled through me. She moved back over to the couch and sat back down. I heard the television flick on, but knew Denise wasn’t watching it because I could feel her eyes prickling over my skin. Tears filled my eyes as I realized how she saw me. Denise viewed me as a naïve child who didn’t know what guys wanted…and maybe she was right.
Maybe Adam did bring me to the events to stir up some drama and then we hooked up just because I was there. Maybe he was a real playboy and the words that I thought were very real were just carefully crafted to make every woman feel that way. Could I be so stupid? Could I be that much of an idiot? I hated to think about it.
So why the hell did I still want to see him again?
There was a big part of me that was still excited to see Adam, to spend time with him, to enjoy this mysterious Christmas dinner. The questions that Denise had opened up in my mind had only created a mystery in my mind and I couldn’t help wanting to solve it. I knew that if I pulled back from Adam now I would always wonder “what if?” and I didn’t want that regret hanging over my head.
“Are you okay, Lindsey?” Denise asked me cautiously and quietly. “I am sorry.”
I looked up at her and plastered a fake smile on my face. I didn’t want her to know that I was hurting; it wasn’t her fault. “Yeah, I’m good. Just thinking, you know?”
“Okay. I have been thinking, too.” I saw her eyebrows furrow as she tried her best to think of her next words carefully. “I just wanted to know what your Christmas Day plans are?”
My chest tightened, my breaths instantly became much shallower at her words. I’d spent the entirety of December not thinking about Christmas because it was without a doubt the hardest time of year for me. It was when I felt at my absolute loneliest. My heart pounded heavily, and I could feel my stomach constrict. I had to grip onto the kitchen counter just to keep myself standing upright. Denise knew that I couldn’t answer that with ease – she was the one person who understood that I didn’t have anywhere in the world to go.
“I don’t know,” I rasped quietly while clutching onto my chest. “I haven’t thought too much about it yet. I’ll probably just hang out in the apartment. Make no big deal of it.”
“You know that you can always come to my family’s home for the day, don’t you? The offer is always there.” She’d made it before, but I was yet to take her up on it. I wasn’t sure why, it just hadn’t ever happened. “I would love it if you came.”
“Thank you, Denise.” The walls were closing in on me. I couldn’t be in the same room as anyone anymore. I needed to be alone. I just hoped that my friend understood. She was giving me a sympathetic enough look, so I guessed as much. “I will think about it.”
“Sure, sure, just you know, let me know. I would love to spend the time with you over the holidays. My mother would, too; you know how much she adores you.”
“Yeah, I know.” I couldn’t take it anymore. I was getting overwhelmed. “Thanks.”
I dropped my cloth and staggered from the room right into my bedroom. I slammed the door behind me and collapsed onto the bed as the tears finally got the better of me. All the happiness that I’d been experiencing not so long ago was long gone and now all I could think about were the bad things: the loneliness, the sadness, the loss. I was so excited to spend time with Adam before, but now I wasn’t sure what I wanted. I just felt like shit about absolutely everything, and I didn’t know how to come back from it.
I’d been down this hole of depression before. I sure as hell didn’t want to go down it again. I knew better than anyone it was a challenge to claw myself back out of it. And I hadn’t even mentioned the weight thing to Denise. How much would she feel sorry for me if she knew that I couldn’t get any work? I was a pathetic mess.
Chapter Seventeen
Adam
Thursday
My eyes were staring at the television, but I wasn’t taking any of it in. I had an almost theater-sized screen, which was something I thought that I needed when I first moved into my own home, with the best picture in the world and surround sound – yet somehow I was still managing to block it out. There was too much buzzing around in my brain to hear anything else. All I could think about was Lindsey. She consumed all of my thoughts.
I cannot wait to see her again. Those words flew through my brain at a million miles an hour before I could get any control over them. I haven’t ever felt this way before.
Usually, once the sex was done, so was I. I didn’t even think about my previous hook ups. It wasn’t the best way to be, and I wasn’t as prolific at one-night stands as everyone seemed to assume, but at least I was always honest. With myself and them. Lindsey was different, I just knew it. The fact that I couldn’t get her out my mind was everything.
I need to get her a gift, I thought decisively as I pushed myself into a standing position. I flicked off the old Western movie without any hesitation. I didn’t know what the hell was going on anyway. I need her to know that she means more.
Much as I offered her payment for coming to the Christmas dinner with me, I wanted her to know that this was something else. I was happy to pay her, I knew that she needed the money so much more than I did, but there was something more between us. I could feel it brewing, and I wanted Lindsey to know where I stood. I probably could have just told her, but it was fair to say that I didn’t much know how to use words. I wasn’t great at expressing my feelings.
I grabbed my keys and exited the house without giving myself a moment to talk myself out of it. It was a great idea to get Lindsey a present and I didn’t want to second guess myself. I knew just where to go, as well.
Cheryl was a friend from high school, only a friend, nothing anything more, but I didn’t get to see her very often. Only when I went to the jewelry shop where she worked to get my mother’s birthday presents.
I got into the car and whizzed towards the store with a grin playing on my lips the entire time. I’d felt happy ever since Lindsey and I slept together, which told me more than anything else ever could. I didn’t want to think too much about it because it was a little scary to consider any kind of commitment. I just wanted to go with the flow to let things happen naturally. Sure, I’d told Max that it wasn’t ever going to happen, but I couldn’t admit that there was a small, slim chance that it might. I wouldn’t ever hear the end of it.
As I got out the car and walked into the shop, I was happy to see my friend standing there behind the counter. She was in here a lot, but I didn’t even consider the possibility that she wouldn’t be today. I got lucky.<
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“Hey, Adam!” Cheryl’s face lit up when she saw me. She flicked her long red hair behind her back and stepped out behind the counter. “It’s good to see you. You here to get something for your Mom for Christmas?”
“Oh, yeah, I think I should, actually.” It was coming quick and I hadn’t thought enough about it. I figured that I might as well while I was here. “But that isn’t the only reason I’m here. I, erm, I want to get something else as well.”
I stuffed my hands into my pockets and blushed furiously. I couldn’t hide my embarrassment even if I wanted to. Maybe coming to this store where I knew the staff wasn’t the best idea… Then again maybe I came here wanting to talk about things with someone who could be a little more neutral about the whole thing.
“Ooh, you are.” Cheryl’s eyes lit up with glee as she realized that something had changed within me. “Has the girl finally come along to tame the playboy?”
I had to roll my eyes as my reputation came back up again. Okay so I hadn’t ever had a serious girlfriend before, but that didn’t necessarily mean that I was a player.
“Yeah, yeah, whatever. Are you going to help me or not?”
Cheryl laughed loudly as she stepped behind the counter to help me out. “So tell me more about this girl. I can’t help you to get something nice for her if I don’t know anything about her.” She grinned, acting like she wasn’t just prying into my private life. “Like, what does she look like? What does she like? What does she do?”
“It’s all very new,” I admitted candidly. “So we’re still very much at the getting to know one another stage, but she’s very nice. Blonde hair, heart-shaped face, plump lips, dark blue eyes, slim…” I trailed off as I realized that I was giving too many details away. “And, she’s nice.” I coughed awkwardly and shrugged one shoulder. “She wants to be an actress.”
“Ooh, she sounds lovely.” Cheryl leaned on the counter on her elbows. “I hope she turns out to be the one. You need to settle down.”
“Oh, for goodness sake, I wish that everyone would stop with that. Just because you’ve been married ever since you were a child!”
It was a bit of a shock when Cheryl got married at seventeen years of age to her childhood sweetheart, but since they were still together, it had obviously been the right move for her. For both of them. I guess it was just the thing that no one else had a right to judge someone else’s love story no matter what. Everyone found their happiness in their own special way.
“Okay, so what about this necklace?” Cheryl pulled out a very pricey platinum chain with a small heart-shaped diamond on the end. It was absolutely stunning, but I wasn’t sure that it was right. It seemed like maybe it was a little bit much. “Do you like it?”
“I do…” I trailed off. “But I don’t know if it’ll scare her off. I don’t want to go in too dramatic with this in case she thinks I’m being more serious than I am.”
“Okay, I see.” Cheryl nodded slowly. “Okay, so how about a bracelet, instead?”
The next thing she pulled out really caught my eye. It was sweet, small, delicate, but nice. I could just see it hanging off of Lindsey’s wrist with the silvery chain and the small stars dangling from it. I took it from her and ran it gently between my fingers.
“Yeah, I like this,” I told her happily. “I like this a lot.”
“Good. I’ll ring that up for you.” She smiled and took it from me with happiness shining in her eyes. “And in preparation for you coming, because I knew that you would, I’ve already sorted out a broach that I’m sure your Mom will love. I put it away for you.” She moved into the stock room and came back with a small box in her hand. “Here, what do you think?”
I barely needed to look at it, I trusted Cheryl with this sort of thing. She’d been helping me out forever. “Sounds great, ring it up!”
Once I’d paid and I had the items in my bag, I gave Cheryl a grateful smile and thanked her for her help. As we said our goodbyes, I promised myself that I wouldn’t leave it so long until I saw her again. She was a great girl, and we did have a good friendship. There was no reason to ignore that until I had a family event that I needed her help with.
After I left I headed straight to Cutz to see Max. He had sent me a text earlier on in the week and I hadn’t yet made the effort to see him, which wasn’t right. I’d just been so distracted. I guess I wasn’t yet ready to tell Max what had happened with Lindsey, either, because I wasn’t sure that he’d be able to keep his judgement inside. He would tell me what I needed to hear, but I wasn’t sure that I was in the right frame of mind to listen to it just yet.
“Yo, Maxy boy!” I called out teasingly as I pushed open the door. I was giddy from the purchases in the jewelry shop and everything that had come before it. It probably shone across my features. “How’s it going?”
“Good, actually.” He grinned when he saw me. “Would you believe it, for the first time in a very long time I’m pretty much up to date with work. Are you interested in going out tomorrow night?”
I cringed inside. I couldn’t believe it. I’d been bugging Max to come out with me for ages and now that he could, it had to be on the one night I couldn’t. He was going to give me hell for it. I could almost hear the abuse now.
“Ah, I’m so sorry, Max. I can’t,” I admitted sadly while shaking my head regretfully from side to side. “I have plans tomorrow. Can we do it another time?”
He sat down and spun in one of his chairs while looking curiously up at me. “You have plans?” he reiterated questioningly. “With who?”
I didn’t want to mention the Christmas dinner. I wasn’t sure why, but that was something that I preferred to keep to myself. Lindsey was the first person that I was ever going to let in to that side of my life. But I needed to give him something. He had to have some reason for me turning him down, it wasn’t like me at all.
“I… I have a date,” I blurted out without really thinking about it. “That’s why.”
“You do?” His eyes bugged out of his head in shock. “Like a real date? Like a date, not just a random hook up?”
I laughed, so glad that Max was sucking up my story that I didn’t even think about his opinion on my reputation again. “Yeah, pretty much. An actual date.” I shrugged as if I wasn’t too bothered, but the more I thought about it, the better I felt.
“And that jewelry bag… That isn’t a gift for said date, is it?”
I tucked the bag underneath me, not sure why but I didn’t want to confess that part just yet. “No, it’s just Mom’s Christmas present, that’s all,” I lied. “I’ve not gone soft.”
“You have a bit.” Max patted me on the arm. “So, who’s the lucky lady? Will I ever get to meet her?”
The more questions that Max asked me, the less I could tell him. He would judge me right away if he knew that it was Lindsey, my fake girlfriend, the one I was paying. The last thing that he wanted was for me to end up with a gold digger like Helen, and I felt certain it would come across that way…even if it wasn’t at all.
“I don’t want to jinx it, not yet, but you will if it all goes well.”
“Well, I hope it does go well,” he interjected, seeming to be happy for me. “Good luck!”
“Thank you.” I ran my hand over my shorter hair and nodded at his words. God, I hoped and prayed that it went well, too. “I think I’m going to need it!”
Chapter Eighteen
Lindsey
Friday
I wasn’t sure if what I was wearing was appropriate because I had no idea how fancy the afternoon was going to be. I didn’t have too many details to go on, which I was only realizing now was an issue. I didn’t think it was ball gown appropriate, but I didn’t think it was causal sweat pants, either. I’d gone for a long sleeve red dress over thick, wooly black tights and boots. I hoped that I looked just good enough. I wanted Adam to like what he saw.
Maybe, if things weren’t so strange between me and Denise, I could have asked for her opinion. It wasn’t
her being weird, it was me. I just didn’t want to mention Adam again because I was far too fragile to listen to her criticisms.
I’ll have to do, I thought as I twisted from side to side to see myself in the mirror. My long hair had been curled as it waved around me. I’m sure it’ll be fine.
With one more deep breath I forced myself away from the mirror and I moved towards the living room. I could hear Denise in her bedroom, which allowed me to leave without even saying goodbye. I hated being so sneaky, but I just wanted to enjoy myself. I’d been sad for days. I didn’t want to feel that way anymore.
I raced down the stairs, two at a time, and as I burst into the outside air and saw Adam already there relief flooded me…but not before my heart skipped a beat. The closer I got to him, the more handsome he appeared. He was gorgeous, unbelievably sexy, and he really seemed to like me. Little, nobody me.
“Hey,” I said coyly, with a heat racing through me. Butterflies flapped in my stomach, reminding me that I was in far too deep yet again. “Good to see you again.”
Without thinking much about it, I reached up to his shoulder, pushed myself upright and kissed him gently on the cheek. As soon as my lips brushed his cheeks I felt electricity bursting through my body. It tingled my lips and sent a heat creeping through my veins.
“Good to see you, too,” he answered with a small chuckle. “You look lovely.”
“You look good, too.” I pulled back and stared at him. In his tight fitting tee shirt and jeans he looked casual, but really great. Enough to get my pulse racing faster. “I’m glad I’m not too underdressed since I don’t know where we’re going yet.”
I expected Adam to tell me then just where we were going. He gave me a knowing grin and indicated towards his car. I rolled my eyes dramatically, but got in without too much of a fuss. It wasn’t like I had to wait for much longer to find out, anyway. I slid into the passenger’s seat and clipped the seatbelt across me before turning to face him once more. I parted my lips, ready to say something sarcastic, but the words fell apart as I saw a box clutched between his fingers.