by Anthology
“This is what you want?” he questioned quietly.
I looked up into his eyes as the tears fell down my cheeks, and shook my head. “Of course not. But you just told me that you can’t give me what I want. And I don’t think I can I pretend not to want it.”
He didn’t say another word as he walked through the door and out of my life. As I closed the door, I sank to the floor and cried because it was over.
First my sister was getting married…not that it was a bad thing. I was happy for her.
But then my ex showed up.
With a date.
I knew Trevor would be there; Erica had invited him long before we’d broken up. I hoped that maybe he would decline the invite and that would be the end of it. But when she called to tell me that he would be there, I was almost too nervous to be excited for her.
Knowing I’d see Trevor and actually laying eyes on him was another story. As much as I pretended, I wasn’t prepared for the potential angst and drama it would bring. And I certainly wasn’t prepared for Elliot, the man who came into my life when I was at my low and became the friend I needed.
He was there with those eyes and the words, and the way he made me feel with those eyes and the words. There wasn’t enough time for me to process all of it, and I really needed to get it together. I would plaster on my best smile and be there for my sister.
That I could do.
I walked to the ornate gold-framed mirror on the wall and pointed at my reflection.
“This is Erica’s day,” I said sternly.
Yeah, I was losing my mind, but I closed my eyes and reminded myself over and over that I was fine and that I would be okay. Before walking out, I checked my makeup and applied a small amount of lipstick before smoothing my brown ponytail one more time. When I felt that I was ready, I walked toward the door and swung it open only to see Trevor standing on the other side.
My half-assed attempt at pulling myself together was slowly fading away as his bright blue eyes stared into mine. He looked handsome, but that wasn’t surprising. What was surprising was the way he stepped toward me, leaving very little space between us.
“Trevor?” I asked, looking around him, seeing no one else. “What are you doing here?”
“I need to talk to you,” he said, stepping forward again so I was forced to step back.
“I have to get back out there,” I told him as I moved past him to the open door.
“Please, Bianca.”
I turned to face him, crossing my arms over my chest. The action wasn’t because I was put off by his request or because I didn’t want to hear it. I did it because it was the only thing I could do to keep myself together.
“Why haven’t you returned my calls?”
“Calls? What calls? You mean the times you called me…drunk?”
“I wasn’t drunk,” he defended half-heartedly, but knew I wasn’t buying it. “I wasn’t that drunk. I knew I was calling you.”
“Why were you calling me?”
“Why do you think? Because I miss you.”
I huffed at that response and hitched my finger over my shoulder toward the reception, where I could still hear the music.
“Clearly,” I mused, thinking of the gorgeous blonde that was probably waiting for him to return.
“What about you?” he asked. “You’re here with someone.”
“I’m in the wedding party, and he’s my friend.”
“Looked like he’s more than that.”
“Not that I owe you an explanation, but Elliot was there for me when it hurt to even get out of bed. I was devastated and he helped me get back to normal.”
“You broke up with me,” he stated plainly, as if I wasn’t entitled to be hurt.
“And you know why.”
“Because you didn’t think I was serious about us.”
I laughed humorlessly at his description of our breakup as his features went from resolute to confused.
“Two years, Trevor. I loved you for two damn years. I thought that we were going to be together forever.” I pointed toward the wedding reception and angry tears began to fall. “That was supposed to be us. I thought we were going to get married, but you just kept slipping further and further away until you finally admitted that wasn’t what you wanted—I wasn’t what you wanted.”
I walked toward a table in the room to grab a tissue, the door shutting behind me softly. As I dabbed my eyes, I looked at my reflection. My glassy eyes and red nose stared back at me while Trevor stood near the door, his brow furrowed and head tucked down.
“Is that what you thought?” he asked, barely above a whisper. “That I didn’t want you?”
He started to walk toward me, but I turned around and held my hand up to stop him.
“I can’t do this. Not here, at my sister’s wedding.”
I took a deep breath and tried to make myself look put together before walking toward the door. As I passed him, Trevor reached out and held my hand in his, stopping me from leaving, our backs facing each other.
“I always wanted you. I never stopped loving you,” he said, tugging at my hand.
When I turned to face him, for the first time since before the breakup, I saw my Trevor. I never once doubted that Trevor’s love and devotion to me. That Trevor would write me sweet little notes to tell me he was thinking of me. The one who swept me off my feet the first time we met.
But the Trevor I broke up with had become distant and unreliable. He had barely flinched when I told him I couldn’t be with him anymore.
“You let me go,” I told him. “When I said it was over, you didn’t even fight for me—for us.”
“Was it a game to you?” he asked.
“Of course not. I told myself I was doing the right thing. But I also told myself that if you made any attempt to stay together, I would stick around to see if we could make it work. But when you left that day and didn’t say anything, you broke me. You apologized that you couldn’t give me what I wanted, and you let me go.”
“Bianca,” he said, but I stopped him and shook my head, wrenching my hand from his so I could go to the door.
“You need to get back to your date,” I said, reminding him of the woman probably looking for him.
“She’s just someone…”
I held up my hand. “I really don’t want to know.”
As I started to open the door I felt him just behind me, his hand against the door, keeping it closed. I turned around to face him, my back pressed against the hardwood, and his face was inches from mine. Not a single part of him was touching me, but every part of me wanted to touch him.
“Bee,” he rasped, still keeping a small space between us. “I only want you.”
I was about to tell him off, but his mouth covered mine, his arms snaking around my waist as my hands tentatively reached out to pull him to me.
We were breathless and not a word was able to escape our lips. Everything about Trevor felt familiar. His hands on my body felt like fire everywhere he touched, and as he began to trail kisses down the base of my neck he started to unzip my dress.
“I want you so bad,” he said, pressing against me. All I could do was nod, because in that moment I wanted him just as much.
When the purple satin material slipped down my body, he lifted me up into his arms and placed me on top of the coat-covered sofa—something I knew I shouldn’t do, but it was Trevor and I didn’t care. He hovered over me, his ragged breaths matching my own. I had missed him so much, and there he was—in my arms.
“I’ve missed this,” his whispered in my ear as he made love to me.
It was everything I’d missed and he was saying all the right words. But for some reason, those three words – I’ve missed this – repeated in my mind over and over until I could no longer block them out.
And it was those three words that caused something inside my brain to click. I was at war between listening to by body and my head
…until my heart trumped them both.
We’re not making love.
This is just sex.
“Wait, wait, wait,” I said between kisses until we were parted. He was still poised over me and I pushed him away so I could sit up. “I’m sorry. I can’t do this.”
I got up and walked over to the door, regretful and embarrassed as I picked up my dress and stepped into it. I walked over and turned away from him so he could zip the dress up, though his hesitance was obvious.
Trevor was confused. Maybe frustrated. But definitely not happy as I walked to the mirror and fixed my hair. I took notice of my flushed appearance as he came to stand behind me. He kissed my exposed shoulder and I turned to face him again.
“We can’t do this. Not here.”
“Then let’s go,” he said, reaching for my hand with a smirk as if the last six months had never happened.
“You have someone waiting for you,” I reminded him. “And I need to get back out there.”
He nodded his understanding and pulled me to him, wrapping me in one of his hugs that I had always loved. When he kissed the top of my head, I looked up at him and smiled sadly.
“I really have missed you,” he said.
I had missed him too. But something inside me wouldn’t allow me to verbalize that to him. The room remained quiet for a moment.
“Everything is different now, Trev.”
“I’m not. I’m still the same guy.”
“And that’s the problem. You can’t come in here and kiss me like that. We’re not together anymore. We want different things.”
“I want you,” he said. “You’re all I want. And if I have to marry you, I’ll do it.”
I closed my eyes and shook my head as I stepped away from him. “That’s not it. I never wanted you to do something you didn’t want. And I certainly don’t want you to have to marry me.”
“That’s not what I meant,” he started to argue and pulled me into his arms, kissing me once again.
His kisses were familiar, the ones I had craved in the months after our breakup. They were the only ones I had experienced since before the breakup, and it felt wrong.
“Hello? Is anyone in there?” a voice asked. “Bianca?”
When I heard the knock on the door, I cleared my throat and turned to Trevor, my hand covering his mouth. He kissed the inside of my hand and I pointed to the closet to the side.
“Yeah,” I called out. “I’m here. One second.”
“Are you okay?” Elliot asked.
I opened the closet door and shoved Trevor inside. He looked confused and entertained at the same time, and as I tried to close the door, he kissed me again. I pushed off from his chest and closed him inside the closet, pressing my back against it briefly before rushing to the main door.
When I opened the door, Elliot stood on the other side and sighed with relief when he saw me. Pulling me gently against his chest, he wrapped me in a hug.
“I got worried. You’ve been gone a while and no one knew where you went.”
It was easy to return his hug, feeling safe in his arms. As I released him, I looked up and smiled.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to disappear like that. I just needed some air. But I’m better now.”
He studied me for a second and I took a few steps to walk away from the room, but he remained rooted in the doorway, staring into the room.
“Was it me?” he asked. “That made you run off like that.”
When I turned to face him, I saw the uncertainty in his eyes. Elliot had made a habit of being honest with me, and I needed to do the same.
“Honestly?” I asked and he nodded. “Yes and no.”
“Can you tell me why?”
I looked over his shoulder at the closet door, knowing that Trevor was right there listening. What had almost happened between us would have been a mistake. A part of me wanted to pretend that everything with us, the last six months, hadn’t happened. But it had. I was a different person. In part because of the man standing in front of me.
“Elliot,” I started, but he stopped me.
“I know. It’s not the time or place, and I know that you have been through a lot—more than you’ve admitted to me. But when you’re ready to talk, I’m here.”
“I know you are, Elliot, and I adore you for that. You’ve been a great friend to me and I appreciate it more than I can tell you.”
“Yeah, see…” he said, moving past me to the door. “That’s the thing. Friend.”
“I’m sorry?”
“We’re not friends, Bee,” he said, shaking his head sadly.
It felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. How could we not be friends?
“Why? What happened?” I asked, not even trying to hide the desperation that came out in my tone.
“Nothing,” he answered quickly, wrapping his arms around me again. “I’m sorry, that came out wrong.”
As I stood there in his arms, I closed my eyes and held onto him tightly. How had I missed what he meant to me? I didn’t want Elliot in my life, I needed him.
I took a deep breath and dropped my arms to my sides, stepping back so I could look into his face. “What did you mean?”
Elliot’s brow furrowed and he didn’t look like the sure and confident man I’d come to know. In fact, he just looked vulnerable. And then he glanced at my mouth, and in one swift move, pulled me into his arms again and pressed his lips to mine. My arms wrapped around his neck as he held me softly with one hand, his other gently holding my face.
In the months we had spent together, we’d created a friendship I leaned on more than I expected. And while I found him attractive, I hadn’t looked at him romantically because I was trying to nurse my broken heart. But standing there in his arms, his tongue tangling with mine in one of the best kisses I’d ever had, I wondered how I could have been so blind. I definitely felt more for him than I wanted to admit. He’d been there to lift my spirits after Trevor had left me crying and shattered.
Trevor.
Shit.
I pulled away from Elliot, remembering that Trevor was still there—hiding in a closet because moments before Elliot came to find me, I’d almost had sex with my ex. In that very same room.
“I’m sorry,” I said through a shaky breath.
“I didn’t mean to upset you,” he said, touching my cheek softly.
I smiled up at him and shook my head. “I’m not upset. A little confused. But not upset.”
That answer seemed to appease him and he smirked, causing my stomach to flip nervously. I hadn’t felt butterflies in a long time. I think I missed them.
“Let’s get back to the wedding and we can figure all of this out later.”
“Okay.”
He threaded our fingers together, and this time I loved the feeling. As he led me away from the bridal room, I stopped.
“I’ll be out in a second. I need to freshen up,” I told him. “Meet you out there?”
He kissed me softly and released my hand. I watched him walk away, unable to hide my smile until he was out of view and I heard Trevor’s voice behind me.
“What about us?”
I turned to face him and shrugged. “What about us?” I asked sadly.
“Are you going to pretend that didn’t happen?” he asked, pointing to the bridal room.
I looked at the couch and then at Trevor. “I think I am, Trev. I’m sorry. But you…this…it’s too late.”
Trevor opened his mouth to say something, but I held my hand up to stop him. “I want you to be happy. And I wasn’t able to do that for you. I was terrified about seeing you today because of the hold you’ve always had on my heart. And maybe I’ll regret this tomorrow, but I have to let you go. I have to move on.”
He didn’t say a word, and I took that as my signal that it was time to leave. I walked away feeling a mixture of sadness and excitement, and as I rounded the corner I ran into my sist
er.
“I just saw Elliot,” Erica said with a grin and a raised brow.
“Good for you?” I said, trying to be coy.
“Don’t play dumb with me, Bianca.”
I smiled with a nod and she let out a squeal. “It’s about time. Did he tell you how he feels?”
“Not in so many words, but yeah.”
“I’m so happy,” she gushed, and then turned serious. “Wait, you two didn’t make out on top of my dress did you?”
My indiscretion with Trevor flashed in my memory and that regretful feeling filled me again.
“I screwed up,” I told her in a hushed tone. “Bad.”
“My dress?”
“No. Your dress is fine. It’s…”
“Trevor?” she asked, looking past me.
“Trevor,” I repeated, following her line of vision. “Oh shit.”
“Hey Erica,” he said when he reached us. “Congratulations. You look beautiful.”
“Thanks,” she stammered, looking between us. “I’m glad you made it.”
“Bianca, can we talk for a second?” he asked.
“I need to help Erica. But it was good to see you,” I said as I linked my arm through hers. “Goodbye, Trevor.”
He looked down at me and I could see the disappointment and sadness in his eyes, but our time had passed and I hoped that I was finally able to let him go. As Trevor walked away, he ran a hand through his hair and I waited until he was gone before looking at my sister, who was impatiently waiting for answers.
“Don’t look at me like that,” I warned.
“Like what, Bee? Like I didn’t notice the guilty-sex look on your face when Trevor walked up buttoning his shirt?”
“We didn’t…I…”
“Bianca!”
“We didn’t have sex,” I said through gritted teeth, but I could tell by the disapproving look on her face that she didn’t believe me. “We did…sort of…but I couldn’t go through with it.”
“How do you ‘sort of’ have sex?” she asked and then shook her head dismissively. “Never mind. Forget I asked….wait, Elliot said he found you in the bridal room. Where was Trevor?”