by Lesley Jones
“He turned up at the club and I was there with Sean and I never meant to hurt him, I am so sorry, I haven’t stopped thinking about him for the past two weeks. I just don’t know, I don’t understand what’s going on with me. I think he might be right, I think I do love him, I think, I don’t know.”
Robbie looks at me with eyes so much like Cam’s. “Well that’s something only you can decide Georgia and until that time please don’t go getting my brothers hopes up, because if you decide that you’re wrong or if you leave him again, then I think that would actually kill him.”
I have no reply, I don’t know what to think, I don’t know what to feel. I’m left alone with Cam as what can only be described as a military operation goes on around him, his flat is cleaned, bolts and locks are put on the bedroom door. Benny comes in and goes through every draw and cupboard in the bedroom and bathroom, all while Cam sleeps. I’ve noticed beads of sweat are starting to appear on his forehead and top lip so I go into the bathroom and run a face cloth under the cold tap and come back and wipe his face, he stirs and mumbles but doesn’t wake so I go out to the kitchen to fetch a bowl that I can fill with water so that I don’t have to keep dripping the face cloth from the bathroom. The whole place is now spotless and smells fresh and clean. Robbie is still here, talking on the phone, Benny and another bouncer from the bar are sitting on stools in the kitchen, eating burgers. My belly rumbles because I’ve not eaten today.
“What time is it Ben?”
He looks at his watch. “Ten past six.” Shit, I’ve been here since twelve, I need to get home.
“Ben look, Cam’s starting to sweat, I’m gonna give his face another wipe, then would you take me home, I can’t walk, I have the press up my arse at the moment.” Robbie has ended his phone call and is looking at me.
“Go wash his face and I’ll take you. The doctor will be here to give him something for the sweats and shakes.” I nod, then fill the bowl with cold water and go back to the bedroom.
This time when I wash Cam’s face he opens his eyes, they are a lot more focused now and he looks over my face as he licks his lips, which are dry and cracked. “Kitten,” he whispers in a croaky voice.
“Would you like some water?”
I ask him, he shakes his head. “Scotch.”
I give a little laugh and shake my head. “No can do Tiger, water, tea, coffee, them’s your choices?”
“You’re mean.”
“I know.”
“I love you.”
“I know.”
“Do you?”
“Yes, would you like some water or some tea?” My heart is banging so hard in my chest that it’s giving me a headache.
He sighs. “Will you serve it to me naked?”
“I’ll pour it over your dick if you don’t simmer down.” He gives a little chuckle.
“There’s my angry Kitten.”
“I’m not angry Cam, I’m sad. Why? Why did you do this to yourself?”
He closes his eyes, when he opens them, his look is cold and hard and it scares me for a second. “My head hurts, would you please get me some headache tablets and a glass of water?”
I don’t question his change in tone or the way he’s now looking at me, he’s hurt and he’s angry and I’m the cause of his suffering. I think that entitles him to look at me however he likes. “I can get you some water but no tablets, the doctor will be here soon and I’m not sure what he wants to give you.”
“What doctor, why?” He starts to get up out of bed but his legs are unsteady and he stagers and falls back down, I call out for Benny, but it’s Robbie that’s first through the door.
“Back in bed Cam.”
“You’re not locking me up again; I’m not going back to that place!” Cam’s shouting and Robbie’s trying to get him back into bed, Benny comes in and helps to hold him down.
“Don’t hurt him,” I shout at both of them.
“Get her out!” Cam growls. “Get her the fuck out of here, don’t let her see me, Rob, don’t let her see me like this.”
He starts to sob, and I start to cry. “Please Rob, please don’t lock me up.”
Robbie holds onto Cam as he sobs. “I won’t mate, I promise I won’t, the doctor’s coming. Joshie and Tor are on their way. We’ll look after you here, I won’t lock you up, and we’ll get you better between us.”
Cam stops fighting and just lets his big brother hold him, while I stand in the corner and cry, as I watch the outcome of my actions unfold. Robbie looks at me and gestures with his head for me to get out. I leave, I don’t wait for a lift, I leave the flat and make the ten minute walk back home with my head down and hope that no one recognises me; as I come down the back ally, I spot Sean’s, Len’s and my Dad’s cars all blocking my way. Fuck, I’m in trouble.
Dave is standing at the bottom of the stairs and lets out sigh and then shakes his head as he sees me. “Thanks Georgia, I’m in so much fuckin’ trouble coz of you.” For fucks sake.
“I’m sorry Dave, but if it’s any consolation, I bet I’m in more.”
He nods his head. “I think your right there babe, Maca is doing his narna, I think they were about to call the Police.” Shit, fuck, bollocks.
I run up the stairs and down the hallway to a welcoming party of my entire family plus Jimmie, Ash, Sean and Milo, the whole room falls absolutely silent for a split second. Sean has his back to me; he turns, looks me over, puts his hands on his hips and lets out the biggest sigh as his chin falls forward onto his chest.
“Where the fuck have you been George?” Bailey speaks first, my Dad rakes his hand through his hair and comes and gives me a cuddle.
“Princess, you scared the fuckin’ life outta me, don’t ever, ever do that again!”
I swallow. “I’m sorry Daddy.” I look around the room at all the anxious faces, Baileys making a call.
“Fin, she’s here, call the boys off… Na, she’s fine, I’ll bell ya later and let ya know, cheers.” His angry eyes look me over.
“That close.” He shows me a very tiny space between his thumb and index finger as he holds them up. “We were that fuckin’ close to start banging down doors. Dave said you went off with bald Benny, said you wouldn’t be long. That was seven hours ago George, seven fucking hours, no one’s seen you, no one’s seen King. You didn’t call, we had no idea where the fuck you were. We thought he’d flipped his lid and gone psycho again, kidnapped ya, killed ya, we didn’t know George, coz you being the selfish little bitch that you are, fucked off without a word. Dad was ready to start shooting people, Macas not far behind.” He stops to draw breath. “Do you ever stop and think about anyone but yourself George, ever? You start running around with Sean when you’re just a kid, getting up to God knows what. Then you spend four years acting like we should have you committed, then you start running around with one of the East End’s biggest gangsters, whose wife just happened to die in very mysterious circumstances and then, finally, we get a two week window where we all think that we can finally breathe, you’re back with Maca, finally right where you wanna be and then you pull this little stunt. What the fuck is wrong with you? What exactly is it you want, do you even know? For fuck’s sake Georgia, you’re nearly twenty-one, it’s time to grow up and start being accountable for your actions and the affect they have on everyone else.”
I stand, alone, mortified and let the tears roll silently down my cheeks, everything he has said is true, I’m a spoilt, selfish girl and I don’t take other people’s feelings into account as often as I should, as much as I should. I look around the room, at the worried faces of the people that love most in the world but I don’t make eye contact with any of them. “I’m so sorry everyone, I didn’t mean for anyone to worry, I was asked to help out in an emergency and I lost track of time. I’m so sorry, I should’ve called, I should’ve let someone know where I was or taken Dave with me but I didn’t and I’m sorry.”
I walk past every one, go straight to my bathroom and turn on the shower, I
turn the water around to hot, take off my clothes and step under, adjusting the water so that it’s as hot as I can bear it. I want to curl up in a ball and cry. I didn’t mean to be selfish, and I didn’t mean to hurt anyone or make them worry. I didn’t know Cam loved me, I didn’t know my family had been so concerned for so long but at the end of the day, is ignorance any kind of defence or am I just a stupid, spoiled twenty year old, who thought she knew it all?
I slide down the wall, bring my knees up to my chest and wrap my arms around them.
I’m not sure how long I spend sitting on the shower floor but when I eventually get out, Sean is sitting on the edge of the bath holding a towel. He stands and wraps it around me and just holds me tight, he grabs another from the rack and starts to rub my hair dry with it. I’ve stopped crying but my jaw is still quivering and you can hear it in my voice when I say to Sean, “I’m so sorry.”
He pulls me in tighter and kisses the top of my head. “Let’s go to bed,” is all that he says. I climb into bed and sit and dry my hair as I watch him take off his clothes, he strips totally naked and climbs into bed next to me, pulling me to him. I feel safe, warm and loved, which is probably more than I deserve. “Dya wanna tell me about it?”
I shake my head. “Not yet.”
“I was so worried G, I don’t think I’ve ever been so scared in all my life. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know where to start and what scared me more was how worried your Dad was.” Once again I remain silent.
“Sean?”
“Gia?”
“Make love to me?”
He kisses me gently on the mouth, his hands tangle in my damp hair, he pushes me gently over onto my back and slides down my body and starting with the soles of my feet, he kisses his way back up my legs, bending my knees and spreading me open, kissing, licking and sucking me into my first orgasm, then up and over my belly, onto my boobs, he bites down gently on first one nipple, then the other. He keeps climbing up my body, until eventually he’s straddling my chest. I take his cock in my hand and stroke him. He brushes his thumb over my bottom lip as he looks down into my eyes.
“Squeeze your tits together,” he whispers. He places his cock between my tits while I squeeze them like he told me, he strokes himself right down at the base, all the while, he’s staring into my eyes. “God you look fuckin’ beautiful right now.”
I give him a small smile, I don’t want him to be nice to me, I want him to be rough and cause me pain. “Fuck my arse,” I say to him.
“What?”
“I want you in my arse, now.” He stills for a few seconds, his eyes fully focused on mine, then rolls to the side.
“Turn over.”
He climbs off the bed and goes into the bathroom, returning a few seconds later and puts something down on the bedside table. He lays down flat on top of me at first, just stroking up and down the backs of my arms, he kisses the back of my neck and my shoulders, then all the way down my spine, he pushes my legs apart with his. “Pull your knees underneath you babe, arse in the air, keep your legs open wide.”
I do exactly as he says; his fingers gently stroke down from the back of my neck, down my spine, over each of my arse cheeks, then through the middle of them, he uses his hands to spread me open and I can feel the calluses on his fingers caused by years of playing the guitar and of all the sensations firing through me right now, it’s that one that makes me groan, it’s so Sean, so unique to Sean. He licks me, from back to front and then back again, his tongue flicks in and around my hole, while he uses his middle finger to rub my clit. “Fuck, Sean.”
“That feel good G?”
“Yeah.”
“We’ve got no lube so I’m gonna use Vaseline, keep still for me.” I remain perfectly still while I listen to him unscrew the jar of Vaseline, then he’s back, he starts with just one finger, he rubs it gently in circles, around and around.
“Open your legs wider baby, push your arse higher and relax, you look so beautiful right now, so fuckin’ beautiful.” He pushes one finger inside me, and then adds another. “That okay, tell me if it hurts?”
I’m biting down so hard on my bottom lip that it actually hurts when I release it, so I suck it to relieve the pain. “Gia, am I hurting you? Tell me baby and I’ll stop.”
“No, no, fuck no.” He pulls his fingers out, and then rubs his cock up and down my arse crack; he stops and nudges against me. “I love you baby, please tell me you really wanna do this, you know I love you right? Don’t do this if you don’t wanna.”
I look around at him from over my shoulder. “When do I ever do anything I don’t wanna?” He gives me his ‘front of a magazine cover pout’ then winks at me; he wraps his hand around my hair and yanks my hair back roughly. “I fuckin’ love you Georgia Rae, now I’m gonna fuck your arse and make you scream.”
He eases inside me slowly as he talks, “Fuck, you’re tight baby.”
He pulls me up so that I’m almost sitting on his knees, his knees between my open legs from behind, he reaches around me and gently rubs my clit, his mouth is at my ear and I tilt my head to the side so that I can feel his hot breath on me as he speaks, “You’re in control Georgia, ride me, go at your speed baby.”
I grind gently onto him, enjoying the full sensation, it’s different but it’s nice. “You want my fingers in your cunt?” Oh God, just him saying that word has me groaning and grinding back on him. “Do ya G? Tell me, else I’ll stop.”
“No, I mean yes, no don’t stop, yes I want your fingers in me.”
He chuckles in my ear. “You’re a bad, bad girl Georgia Rae and I love the fuck out of ‘ya, now come for me, coz I ain’t gonna last, you’re too much, I can’t last.”
He pushes his fingers inside me and it’s the strangest of sensations, I feel full, stretched and when he pushes the heel of his hand onto my clit, it’s too, too much, every muscle I have below my waist clamps around his cock and his fingers. I roll my head back as he bites into my shoulder, I moan and call out his name, trying to relieve the intensity of the orgasm that just won’t stop rolling through me. In the end I have nowhere left to go and just take it, moaning and whimpering my way through it as I listen to Sean’s words, “Fuck, that’s good, I’m coming baby, only for you, it’s only ever been you.”
We collapse in a heap less than a minute later, he holds my back tight against his chest, kissing the back of my neck and my shoulders continuously; eventually we lay still and silent, I listen to him breathe and feel his chest move up and down against my back. I want him to talk, to ask me about today but I also want him to never mention it, he kisses the back of my head.
“Come and shower with me.” I nod and he eases out of me, he pulls me by the hand and we walk to the shower, he doesn’t wait for the water to heat up and pulls me in with him. I scream and he laughs, pulling me tight against his chest as the cold water makes both of our teeth chatter. It eventually starts to warm, he pushes my wet again hair from my face, then holds it with both of his hands, he kisses my eyes, my nose, then so, so softly my mouth, my chin, down through my cleavage, all the way down my belly. He kneels down on the floor in front of me, takes hold of my hands in his and says, “I love ya Georgia Rae, please be my wife?”
Oh my God, I stare down at him, not sure if I’ve just heard right. “I love you Georgia, more than life, I love you like the stars above.” He raises his eyebrows at me and smirks, waiting for me to sing my line.
“I’ll love you till I die,” I continue and he breaks out his best grin yet.
“Like I told ya, Romeo and Juliette have got nothing on us baby. I don’t wanna wait; if other people hadn’t fucked us up we would’ve been married and probably had a couple of kids by now.”
He’s looking up at me, with those big brown eyes, with their little flecks of gold shinning so brightly in them. He’s my life, he’s my world and whatever feelings I thought I might have for Cam are now irrelevant. Perhaps I do love Cam, I don’t know but it doesn’t matter, because Sean will
always have my heart, I have no control over that fact, it is what it is and no one will ever be able to change it.
I push his hair back off his face and smile down at him; I nod first, and then follow it up with. “Yes, yes of course I’ll marry you.”
We make love again in the shower before collapsing into bed and sleeping for a few hours, then he wakes me up as he slides himself inside me, we make love silently and afterwards, when he holds me tightly to his chest, I tell him about my day. I tell him about Cam, I tell him about how guilty I feel, that I didn’t know Cam loves me and I tell him that I think I might love Cam a little bit and he tells me its fine, and that he understands. He’s jealous, hates it, but he understands. Cam was there, right when I needed him and it’s perfectly natural for me to have strong feelings for him, he tells me to go back and help him get better, support him in any way that I can, which just makes me love Sean even more. I cry and tell him how my heart feels like it’s going to burst with how much I love him.
In the end, just as the sun is coming up and the birds are beginning to sing, we decide together, that perhaps it will be better if I don’t see Cam again, it might just get his hopes up and then it might all be too much for him when he finds out that we are getting married. Sean’s happy with whatever I want to do and I decide a clean break will be the best and fairest way forward. I fall asleep, happy, content and without guilt.
CHAPTER 22
AUGUST 1999
Sean and I were sat at a little café in Chapel Street Melbourne, Australia; we had just enjoyed an enormous fry up and were now sipping on our coffees and watching the very interesting sights and sounds of this part of Australia. It was an absolutely freezing cold, but a bright and sunny day; we had no idea when we arrived eight months ago, on a stinking hot thirty eight degree day that Australia could get so cold. We’d been travelling all around the country since our arrival, and had seen waterfalls in Kakadu, and watched the sun set and rise again over Ayers Rock. We’d dived with sharks, inside a shark cage in Western Australia, and we’d surfed at Bondi, spent New Year’s Eve on a yacht in Sydney Harbour, driven along the Great Ocean Road, surfed again at Bells Beach and sat freezing on a beach on Phillip Island watching a colony of Fairy Penguins coming back to dry land after a day out at sea fishing. We spent the last three weeks discovering the city of Melbourne and its surrounding areas.