The Secret Between Us

by Barbara Delinsky

  A wingback chair stood in its far corner, upholstered in a faded rose brocade. Sinking into it, she folded her legs under her as she had done dozens of times growing up. Wingback chairs had been originally designed to protect their occupants either from drafts or the heat of a fire. Deborah had needed protection of another kind. She had used the chair to help her deal with her parents’ expectations, and it had delivered for her more times than she could count. Her parents had assumed she was strong, assumed she could take care of herself in ways that her younger sister could not. But even if she looked the part, she was often scared to death. Sitting in this chair was akin to wearing blinders. It allowed her to focus on one thing at a time.

  One thing she could do. If she was dealing with Calvin McKenna’s death, she couldn’t dwell on Jill’s pregnancy, Greg’s accusations, or Hal’s betrayal of her best friend.

  Pushing the last three from her mind, she relived the accident for the umpteenth time, trying desperately to see something she might have done differently. She replayed her talks with the police and, later, with Grace, but here there was no going back. Grace was her daughter, and she deserved protection. That’s what parents did, particularly ones who had made their kids suffer through a divorce.

  Upstairs, the shower went off. Getting up from the chair, she started back to the kitchen, caught herself, and returned to the den for a highball glass and an empty whiskey bottle. She put the glass in the dishwasher, the bottle in the trash, and unfolded the newspaper.

  Calvin McKenna’s death wouldn’t have made the morning edition. Tomorrow’s perhaps. But the local weekly would hit stands tomorrow, too. Deborah dreaded that. More, though, she dreaded telling her father that the man had died.

  As it happened, he already knew. There was an impatience in his stride as he went straight to the coffeemaker. His white hair was neatly combed, his cheeks pale. The disappointment on his face made him look older.

  “Malcolm called,” he explained, filling his mug. Malcolm Hart was chief of surgery and a longtime friend of Michael’s. “Looks like we have a problem.”

  “Does Malcolm know anything more?” Deborah asked.

  “About why the man died?” Her father drank from his mug. “No. The widow is fighting the autopsy. She doesn’t want her husband’s body desecrated. In the end, of course, she won’t have a say. Autopsy is the law after a violent death. She’ll just slow things down.”

  “Doesn’t she want to know why he died?”

  He shrugged, swallowed more coffee.

  “But if she’s thinking of suing, she’ll need to know the exact cause of death,” Deborah reasoned, “unless there’s some reason she doesn’t want to know. Or doesn’t want us to know.”

  “Like what,” Michael said, and in that instant, Deborah was grateful for Hal.

  “Like alcohol or drugs. We’re insisting that they check for both.”

  Her father seemed unimpressed. “If I were you,” he said, eyeing her over his mug, “I’d worry about insurance. Do you have enough personal coverage in the event that she sues?”

  “Yes.” Insurance was one of the things that Greg, the businessman, had bought to the hilt.

  Michael sighed and shook his head.

  Deborah knew he was thinking that this would be a very public stain on the family’s reputation. Not wanting to hear the words, she said, “This is one of those instances when I’d do anything to turn back the clock.”

  “And do what?” he asked kindly enough, lowering his cup. “What would you do differently?”

  She should never have let Grace take the wheel in weather like that. Should never have let Grace drive. But to tell her father that, without telling the police, would be making him an accomplice, as unfair as what Hal had done to her.

  So she simply said, “Go even slower. Maybe wear my glasses.”

  He seemed startled. “You weren’t wearing them?”

  “I don’t have to. There’s no restriction on my license.” Her glasses were weak. Occasionally she wore them watching a movie, but that was all.

  “Shouldn’t you have taken every possible precaution on a night like that?”

  “In hindsight, yes.”

  “Your mother would have worn her glasses.”

  It was a low blow. “Did she ever have an accident?”

  “No.”

  But Deborah knew differently. Feeling no satisfaction, simply a thread of anger, she said, “Take a look at her personal checkbook for the year I got married. You’ll see a check she wrote for several thousand dollars, paid to Russo’s garage. While she was driving down West Elm, she was looking for something on the passenger’s seat and sideswiped a parked car.”

  Her father made a face. “That’s ridiculous. I would have known.”

  “Her car needed a tune-up. It had to be in the shop anyway. Ask Donny Russo.”

  “Your mother would never have lied to me.”

  “She didn’t lie. She just didn’t tell the whole truth.”

  “Why would she do that?”

  Deborah sighed. Gently, she said, “Because you want perfection, and we can’t always deliver. Is Mom less lovable because she sideswiped a car? Am I less lovable because my car hit a man? I was upset when we hit Calvin McKenna, and I’m crushed that he died. But it was an accident,” she was suddenly close to tears, “—an innocent accident, but I seem to be the only one saying that. I’m saying it to my daughter, to my son, to Hal, to the police, to my ex-husband, to you. It would be really nice if someone said it to me—because, here’s a flash, Dad, I’m not made of steel. And I’m not without feelings. Right now, I need support.”

  Deborah hadn’t planned the outburst. But she didn’t apologize.

  Michael eyed her strangely. “Did you tell me that about your mother so that I wouldn’t be angry about you?”

  “It’s not about anger. It’s about understanding.”

  “Then understand this,” he said and set down his mug. “I loved your mother. I was married to her for forty years, and during that time I never once had cause to doubt her. It sounds to me like you’re trying to find fault with her and with me to get yourself off the hook. You killed a man, Deborah. It might be best if you accept that fact.”

  Deborah was startled by the attack and too long formulating her response. What she might have asked, had her father not left, was why he had endless compassion for his patients and none for her. The answer, of course, was that she was family, and that, for family, the expectations were different.

  For patients, the expectations were always the same. Family doctors didn’t get sick, didn’t take long vacations, didn’t take Wednesday afternoons off to play golf or, in Deborah’s instance, to sit with Grace. Between ten in-office patients and four house calls, Deborah’s Wednesday was nonstop. Her very last patient, waiting for her when she returned to the office, was Karen Trutter.

  “If the mountain won’t come to Muhammad…” her friend said with a small smile. She wore gym clothes stylish enough to blend with the diamond studs that were a gift from her husband and that she never removed.

  Deborah closed the door, and, looking at Karen, was warmed by the history of caring that had been given and taken for eighteen years. “I’m sorry,” she finally said, crossing the small space to give her friend a squeeze. “You deserve better.”

  “You’re busy.”

  Deborah pulled up a chair and sat. “What I am, is running to get as much done as possible before the you-know-what hits the fan.”

  “It was an accident.”

  “Thank you. But still…” Deborah knew that even aside from whose responsibility the driving had been, there was the issue of deception. The fact that Karen knew nothing of it made it even worse.

  “Danielle says Grace wasn’t in school.”

  “How could I send her?” Deborah asked. “She’s distraught.”

  “Maybe she needs counseling.”

  “No. Just time. This is all so fresh. Have you heard about any funeral plans?”r />
  “Friday afternoon. Here in town.”

  “Here?” Deborah was disappointed. She was hoping the funeral would be far away. “I’m surprised. He hasn’t lived here very long.”

  “They’re suspending classes so students who want to can attend. And there’ll be a memorial service at the school Friday night. Was Hal a help this morning?”

  “As much as he could be. There are so many unknowns. My stomach churns when I think about it.”

  “John Colby won’t charge you with anything,” Karen said. “He knows what you mean to this town.”

  “That could backfire,” Deborah remarked. “He’s already been warned about a whitewash. Precisely because of who I am, he could go after me harder.”

  “For what?”

  But Deborah didn’t want to list the possible charges again. “I’ll let Hal tell you. He was very good to meet with me.”

  “Why wouldn’t he? He loves you.”

  For the second time that day with someone named Trutter, Deborah felt like a fraud.

  Karen frowned, seeming ready to say something more—and, for an instant, Deborah feared Hal had confessed his feelings to his wife. Then Karen closed her mouth, cleared her throat, and said weakly, “I’m actually here on business. My elbow’s been killing me for two weeks. You said I should tell you if something lasts that long.”

  “‘Killing you’?” Deborah asked, quickly concerned. “Which elbow?”

  When she bobbed the right one, Deborah took it in her hand and began to press. “Hurt?”

  “No.”

  “This?”

  “No.”

  She prodded enough, without distress to her friend, to rule out a broken bone. Cradling the elbow, she took Karen’s wrist and moved it through a normal range of motion. This did elicit a cry. When Deborah repeated the offending movement, Karen protested again. Deborah probed the elbow again, this time focusing on the lateral tendon.

  “There,” Karen said and sucked in a breath.

  Deborah sat back. “How often have you played tennis this week?”

  “Every day, but—”

  “And not just for fun. Karen, you have tennis elbow.”

  “Women on my team don’t get tennis elbow.”

  Deborah chuckled with relief. “You have tennis elbow.”

  “But I always play every day. I’ve been doing this for five years now. Why suddenly the pain?”

  “Because it’s been five years of playing every day.”

  “I was thinking, uh, that there might have been something in the bone. Y’know, right breast, right arm—”

  Deborah interrupted. “I know, sweetie. Last year it was your ribs, the year before that your shoulder. It happens every year at this time.”

  Karen winced. “Every year?”

  “Well, for the last three. What is it, now, six years since the mastectomy?”

  Karen swallowed. “Yup. And still there’s the fear.”

  “There’ll always be the fear, which is why you come to see me.”

  “But if it’s psychosomatic, why do I feel pain?”

  “Oh, K, it isn’t psychosomatic. The injury is real. The tendon on the outside of your elbow is inflamed. Another time of year, you might ignore it. This time of year, it’s an issue.”

  “I don’t consciously remind myself that the anniversary’s coming up.”

  “You don’t have to. Your subconscious knows.”

  Karen finally seemed to relax. “Tennis elbow? Are you sure?”

  “Ninety-nine percent.”

  “I don’t need an X-ray?”

  “Not until you take a couple of days off, ice the elbow, and let an anti-inflammatory go to work. If there’s no improvement, we can take pictures.”

  “You think I’m silly to race in here.”

  “Absolutely not,” Deborah scolded. “I told you to come. The beauty of surviving breast cancer is that doctors have to take you seriously, and, believe me, I do. There’s good reason for that tendon to be inflamed, but I do understand where you’re coming from.”

  “You’re the only one. I can’t exactly tell Dani. She has her own fears.”

  “What about Hal?”

  “He doesn’t want to hear. He gets too nervous.” She chewed on her lower lip, before she blurted, “At least, that’s what I always thought. Deborah, I need to ask you something. Do you think Hal would ever have an affair?”

  Deborah remained neutral. “Be with someone else, you mean?”

  Karen nodded. “I got a phone call Monday night. It was a woman. She asked if I knew where my husband was.”

  Deborah’s own eyes went wider. “Did you?”

  “I knew where he was supposed to be. He was supposed to be at work. There was something about this voice that said he might not have been.”

  “Did you ask who it was?”

  “No. I hung up.”

  “Did you get the phone number?”

  “It registered as ‘Unavailable.’ Hal got home an hour later. He said he’d had a good meeting. But he was drenched from the rain, so would I have known if the meeting took place in a bed at the Embassy Suites, and he’d come home straight from the shower?”

  “Oh, Karen.”

  “This isn’t the first time.”

  “She’s called before?”

  “Once, a couple of months ago. I feel like I ought to recognize the voice. Then I realize it’s because I’ve remembered that call so often.” She fiddled with one of her diamond studs. “So. Do you think Hal would?”

  Absolutely not, Deborah wanted to say, but it would be an out-and-out lie. Feeling dishonest enough without that, she murmured, “I think he’s the kind of man women look at. It’s possible someone from the office has a crush on him and, since she can’t get to first base, she gets her revenge by calling you and hoping you’ll question Hal.”

  “I wouldn’t question him. He’d be crushed if he thought I doubted him.”

  “Maybe he’d want to know about the call, so that he could speak to whoever it is.”

  “No, no. I just wanted to run it past you.” Reaching out with her good arm, she cupped Deborah’s chin fondly. “You’re right. That was definitely a woman who wishes my husband was available, which he is not.” She smiled broadly. “See? You’ve helped me twice today.” She touched Deborah’s hair, brushing at a few wavy strands. “This is the cutest cut, y’know. When I conjure you in my mind, I still think of you with long hair. This is freer.”

  “I feel like it’s always messy.”

  “It has spunk. This is the new you, Deborah.”

  Deborah sat back. The new her was a liar. “Spunk, huh? My father thinks it’s unprofessional.”

  “Fine. Let him take his bursitis somewhere else,” Karen advised, then paused. “How’s he handling the accident?”

  Deborah kept her mouth shut.

  “Meaning, poorly,” Karen interpreted, and as hurt as Deborah had been that morning, she was quick to defend the man.

  “In fairness, he’s going through a rough time.”

  “Still missing your mom?”

  “Big time.”

  “So are you.”

  “But it’s harder for him. He goes home to an empty house. She was his soulmate. She was his playmate. Evenings, weekends—he doesn’t know what to do with himself.”

  “He could help out at the bakery. Ruth loved that place.”

  Deborah sputtered. “My dad won’t admit that. He never has.” She wondered whether he would feel differently once he had a grandchild there.

  “He could take Dylan fishing,” Karen suggested.

  They had discussed this before. Fishing was definitely an option for a boy with severe hyperopia. Dylan was a good sitter, a good thinker, and, being farsighted, he would enjoy the scenery. He might even be fine baiting hooks.

  “I’ve suggested it,” Deborah said, “but Dad always has a list of things he needs to do himself.”

  “Legitimate things?”

  “Some are. So
me of it’s just busywork.”

  “Put him on call a couple of times a week. Why are you the only one who has to race to the hospital in the middle of the night?”

  “I don’t have to. I like to, especially with regular patients. That’s when I feel best about myself as a doctor. Dad is past the point of needing that.”

  “Which may be all the more reason why he needs it. Maybe he forgets what it’s like.”

  “Maybe,” Deborah granted. “But hey, it’s not much of an issue. I can’t remember the last time I got a middle of the night call.”

  Naturally, after saying it, Deborah was woken at three the next morning by the answering service. The patient was a twenty-seven-year-old woman who had been to the office twice in the past few weeks complaining of stomach pains. Michael had seen her the first time, Deborah the second. In both instances, blood tests had shown no elevated white cells, hence no indication of appendicitis.

  Now, she sounded frantic. The pain was excruciating. She had a fever and was vomiting.

  Deborah quickly dressed, woke Grace to tell her she’d be gone, and set off for the hospital. The patient, driven by a frightened husband, arrived just as she did. Deborah was able to speed them through Emergency and a set of definitive tests, then connect them with a surgeon who would perform the appendectomy. She saw the woman up in the elevator and sat with her husband a bit. Then she went to look for the doctors who had been on call the other night.

  One of them, Jody Reid, was monitoring a post-op patient. She joined Deborah in the hall. “You’re inquiring about Calvin McKenna,” she surmised, gesturing Deborah to the nearest computer. She logged on and gestured again, this time for Deborah to look at the screen.

  It was a lab report. Deborah didn’t have to give it more than a glance before one word popped out. “Coumadin? I didn’t realize he was on it.”

  “Neither did we, and I was right there when they brought him in.”

  “He wasn’t wearing a med alert bracelet?”

  “No. He had no wallet, no identification on him at all, and he wasn’t talking. We specifically asked him about meds and allergies, but he didn’t respond. His wife was no help either. She shook her head when we asked, and she made no mention of a heart condition or anything else to warrant his taking a blood thinner like Coumadin.”