I freeze. I am numb, yet my chest aches with pain. I know he’s right. Having Nikolai in my life is a nightmare masked as a glorious dream. My life will be exactly like his. Between the adrenaline-fueled moments, there will be loneliness, pain, and blood. That’s what his life has consisted of since he was a young boy. Staying by his side will only mirror that, and I don’t want that. I can’t go on with my life knowing that’s what it will truly be like. The thought was insane, and I should never have allowed my heart to feed my wishes.
“What will I do now?” I whisper as the tears drip down my face and over my lips.
Nikolai leans in and presses his soft, warm lips to mine. My tears mix with the sweetness of his kiss and the devastation of my heart.
I savor every slow and deliberate movement, tasting his tongue and feeling his stubble brush against my face.
He pulls his face away from mine, his eyes glazed over with sadness, and whispers, “Live, my dear. You’re going to live.”
Nikolai turns on his heels.
As I blink away my tears, he steps into the crowd and vanishes.
EPILOGUE
Josslyn
March 17, 2016 7:47 p.m.
My body is tired. I can barely lift my legs as I begin to ascend the stairs outside my apartment. I trudge inside, tossing my bag to the floor and plopping my weary body on the couch. It’s been a horrible day. If any sliver of goodness could have happened today, it didn’t. All I could manage was trying to keep my annoyance capped long enough to make it through the eleven-hour shift. I spent the entire day in a state of pissed off and on the verge of punching anyone I interacted with.
Saint fucking Patrick’s Day. I hate working a holiday when people binge drink and try to be invincible. It’s just as bad or worse than New Year’s Eve. The weather was decent for most of the day, which only added fuel to the drunken fire. Nice, warm days bring out the crazies. Add in booze, and all that equals me fending off drunken men’s advances, frayed nerves, and an itchy trigger finger. My captain appointed some homicide detectives to work during the madness today, all assigned to a certain location.
Two years ago, Blythe Harbor’s finest bars decided to get together and host a huge block party in the town square. This allows all the entrepreneurs to make some cash, and people are able to get loaded as they walk around with green tutus on and stupid hats. The bars hired the Blythe Harbor police department to work the crowd control and keep everything copasetic. How I got roped in this gig is unknown to me, but I credit it to my turning over a new leaf.
When I started as a detective at the police department, I was awful to work with. Mainly because I didn’t want a partner, and I was a barracuda when it came to hunting criminals. In walks Nikolai Petrov. He opened my eyes to a world I’ve only read about, a world that lies between luxury and the pits of Hell. He helped me settle a fifteen-year debt and helped me find peace along the way.
When I left him in Moscow, I was distraught and exhausted. My heart was aching to be with him in any way he would have me. I was desperate. At first, I couldn’t understand why he would turn me way. I was certain we were going to run off into the sunset and be this assassin couple with a Hollywood type of finale. However, it was a fantasy. I had been through so much pain and emotional torture over the few weeks I spent with him that it was nearly impossible to muster up any kind of energy to put up a fight, but I did. I was sure it was him and me and the ever after that belonged together. Then reality hit. I could never have the life I envisioned if I remained with him. The feelings growing for Nikolai were intense, and our attraction was undeniable. But, as much as I wanted him, it would have been impossible to live Nikolai’s lifestyle, and he couldn’t survive any other way, because being a criminal and a killer was all he knew. I was aware of the possibilities of a future if I said goodbye to him that day, and as hard as it was to do, I walked away.
“Hey, Joss,” Gabe says when he walks from the kitchen, holding two Irish beers in his hands. “You look beat.”
I smile at him, mustering up the energy to say, “I am.”
Gabe leans forward, handing me my beer, and then places a kiss on my lips. My anxiety withers away the moment he touches his warm, soft lips to mine. The gesture is exactly what I needed, and I welcome it again and again as he kisses me a couple more times.
He plops his muscled frame down next to me on the couch and holds up his beer. “Happy Saint Patrick’s Day.”
I roll my eyes, and we clink our bottles together.
The rich earthy taste of the ice cold beer is delicious after a long day. I turn on the couch and stretch my long legs over Gabe’s lap. He pulls my shoes off and begins to massage my feet. His hands work my aching muscles in my calves then back down over the balls of my feet. My frame starts to melt into the cushions with every squeeze from his hands.
This has been my life since returning from Russia. I was taken by train to Saint Petersburg then was put on the same private jet to London. Then I was transported commercially from London to Seattle, stopping in Chicago along the way. Nikolai’s bodyguard, Aleksandr Makarova, accompanied me the entire way. He made sure I had all the correct documents for travel, yet he barely spoke two words to me. Once I was in Seattle, Manny was waiting for me, and he drove me back to Blythe Harbor. I spent the entire two-day trek sleeping and trying to muster up a story to tell everyone else to explain why I was gone. I couldn’t tell them what really happened. I wanted Nikolai to be free of his past here, and I wanted it to end as abruptly as it started.
The fake story was simple. I was kidnapped by the unidentified killer. He used me to help him get out of the country, and once he was able, I was to be set free. However, once I arrived in Russia, I managed to escape, and I killed him. My story is extremely vague, and I pretend it was so traumatic I cannot speak about it with anyone.
Gabe thinks I see a counselor in Seattle to help me deal with the trauma of what I experienced. However, I don’t. I drive to the city and reflect on my time spent with Nikolai and swallow down the horrors and heartache that always invade. Sometimes as I sleep, nightmares of the man who whipped me as I laid nearly naked and fighting for my life in a human auction wake, and I feel twinges from the scar in the middle of my back. However, it’s Nikolai’s icy blue eyes that haunt me and keep me awake most nights. Almost every single night when I go to bed, I see him off in the distance. When I look through the darkness, his eyes become my beacon, and I’m lead to him. The electricity his body ignites inside of me has me dreaming of another life, and some nights, it’s so real I consider disappearing for good to find him.
I will not deny that I experienced some kind of mental trauma over the course of my time spent with Nikolai. Yet all I can feel is this incredible sense of loss. The unimaginable pain of his absence and the hurt of not knowing what really would have happened between us is all I can think about on those dark days. And when I first returned to Blythe Harbor, those days existed more than they didn’t. Today, though, it’s rare that I will allow myself to submerge back into missing Nikolai. I’m not sure if that is moving on or simply learning to live with the pain. Either way, I am functioning, and most days, I’m okay.
I’ve come to the conclusion that I will always miss him. I miss his deep voice and the way it would hypnotize me. The way he would internally struggle with what he wanted to do and what he should do. I miss his touch, and I’d be lying to myself if I didn’t admit that I miss the adventure. We were tethered through vengeance, and against all odds, we both came out of it alive.
“You look so tired, Joss.” Gabe says interrupting my thoughts. “Maybe you should go to bed early.”
“That’s probably a good idea.”
I don’t have the energy to argue with him, and I pull my legs from his lap then stand from the couch. My muscles ache, and I can barely keep my eyes open. I lean down and kiss Gabe on the lips. My soul warms, and when I look into his brown irises, all I can feel is his love. He loves me, and I’m starting to love him, too.
It wasn’t instantaneous, but like the tall maple trees behind my house, it grows and blooms a little every day. It’s taken me a while, but I can finally understand what Nikolai wanted for me. He told me to live, and for the first time in many, many years, that’s what I intend to do—live.
.*.*.*.
Nikolai
March 18, 2016 5:47 a.m.
The bullets are flying all around us. Cubby and I are pinned down, hidden behind a small barrier to keep from getting shot. The Mirza brothers have caught up with me and are seeking their own revenge for the murder of their brother Zahir. I’m still not sure how they knew it was me, but I suppose it has something to do with my presence at the auction the day Josslyn was taken there.
For the first several months after I parted ways with her, all the underground could talk about was Stravinsky’s murder. The Vory V Zakone’s biggest and most influential leader was killed in his own house in an inexplicable way, and the few remaining members are struggling to find the men responsible for his death. That will eventually blow back on me, but for the time being, I have to deal with the Mirza brothers and get my ass out of another mess.
I pull the clip from my pistol and click a new one in place. Cubby and I are shoulder to shoulder as we hover behind a piece of steel in the broken down building we ran into. I scan my eyes across the room, looking for a place to exit, but there’s isn’t a good exit without getting shot. We are truly pinned.
The sound of their guns silences, and Cubby winks over at me. He swiftly turns his hulking frame around and pulls a small throwing knife from his pocket. As fast and deadly as lightening, Cubby hurls the blade across the room, plunging it into the man’s jugular. I raise my eyebrows and then give him my nod of approval. Nice shot, I think to myself. Then, with my eyes, I say, but watch this. I pull my small blade from the sheath then place it in the palm of my hand. The other brother screams out his anger, and as he’s about to fire his gun, I wrench my hand back and chuck the knife. The razor sharp blade penetrates his hand, causing him to drop his gun and wail out in agony. Suddenly, he jerks out another gun with his good hand, and before he can react again, I pull another knife from my pocket and hurl it across the room. His hand is pierced and matches the other.
Cubby and I move from behind our shield and slowly walk to the Mirza brother. His hands are bleeding, and he has to know what’s about to happen as we make our way closer to him. We will kill him and then we will move on with the rest of our lives, living in the wind as assassins and criminal opportunists.
I motion with my finger and say, “Now we can have a little fun with this asshole before he ends up like his brother.” I kick the dead body at my feet and crouch down in front of the man balled on the ground. “Did you hear that? It’s time for a little fun.”
“Are you going to show him your specialty?” Cubby asks as he’s restraining the man on the floor.
“Oh, yes. I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t.” I look over at the blubbering man and lean in close. My voice is seething, and my killer persona is fully set in. “Do you want to see what my specialty is?” The man shakes his head, but it makes me smile wickedly. “I hate to disappoint you, my friend, but it will be impossible for you not to see when I take your eye.”
I pull a small scalpel from the pocket of my pants and pull the cover off the blade. The muted light sparkles as I twist the weapon just right and allowing the wilted man to see the deadly side of the blade. I place my hand on his head as Cubby holds it in place. The tip is about to penetrate the watery bulb inside his socket when my phone vibrates inside my pocket. I look down and note the time on my watch, which tells me exactly who’s calling me. The 360 area code comes across the screen every day. I hold my breath, waiting to hear the voice on the other end.
“Really?” Cubby questions, knowing this will have to wait. Whatever we are doing will always wait because this is and will always be the upmost important interaction of my day.
I stand and open my phone. “Black,” I snap into the phone.
“Sir,” Aleksandr Makarova says on the other end. “Detective Stowe has arrived home and appears to be settling in for the night.”
“Thank you. I will speak to you tomorrow.”
“You’re welcome, sir.” The line goes dead, relief washing over me from knowing she’s okay.
I made a promise to Josslyn nearly the moment I met her. I told her I would always protect her, no matter where she was or what she was doing, I would always be watching her. And I meant every word. I haven’t done this world much good since I graced it with my presence thirty-seven years ago, but protecting her life is one thing I have. She awakened an undiscovered part of me, and my dark soul couldn’t help being attracted to her light. If I do anything right in my existence, it will be keeping her walking on this earth. The last words I spoke to her will always reside deep inside my heart. That is where I hold her now: in the quiet of my heart, tucked away from everyone else. Every night when I close my eyes, I reflect on the final words I shared with her. I told Josslyn to live. And that is exactly what I am protecting: a person who deserves to live.
M.S. Brannon was born and raised in the Midwest. She still resides there today with her wonderful husband and son. When she is not writing or reading, M.S. Brannon spends time with her family, goes to the movies, and discovers new music. She writes romance because she believes love and heartache are the rawest emotions one can experience.
FACEBOOK
https://www.facebook.com/pages/MS-Brannon/361712440596820?sk=timeline
TWITTER
@MSBrannonauthor
BLOG
http://msbrannon.wordpress.com/
GOODREADS
https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/7103293.M_S_Brannon
Other Books by M.S. Brannon
Scarred Love, available for purchase on Amazon, Barnes and Noble and KOBO
Tragic Love, available for purchase on Amazon, Barnes and Noble and KOBO
Blind Love, available for purchase on Amazon, Barnes and Noble and KOBO
Surviving Love, available for purchase on Amazon, Barnes and Noble and KOBO
Redeemed Love, available for purchase on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and KOBO
Everlasting Love, available for purchase on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and KOBO
The Revenge Series
Pay Dearly
Away With You
Madness
Stand Alones
Last Call, available for purchase on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and KOBO
Forbidden from You, Forbidden for me, TBD
Believe in Brave, YA Novella, available for purchase on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and KOBO
Table of Contents
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Twenty
Chapter Twenty-One
Chapter Twenty-Two
Chapter Twenty-Three
Chapter Twenty-Four
Chapter Twenty-Five
Chapter Twenty-Six
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Epilogue
About the Author
More from M.S. Brannon
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Madness (Revenge Series Book 3) Page 19