by Sinden West
‘4.30, Friday at mine’
I stare at the glowing screen. Why am I doing this? I think of the woman lying upstairs in silk sheets, and then I think of before and the one room apartment, the cold, and the fingers…
I shiver and put the phone aside before I dig into my steak, blood and all.
I don’t reply back until later that night and that is merely asking for an address. He replies straight away.
I pull my car up outside a crappy, neglected house on a shitty street. The lawn is overgrown and paint is peeling off the porch. I feel nervous about leaving my Lexus parked here but no one is in sight. I take a deep breath and get out of my car, making sure it’s locked and alarmed. I don’t know why I’m so nervous; it’s only Liam, and I’ve done worse before. I’ll just stick to my rules where I try to space out and pretend I’m elsewhere, but I don’t space out too much otherwise they’ll get pissed and say I’m not moving my ass enough.
I walk up the path slowly, kicking the occasional beer bottle out of my way and taking care not to trip on any overgrowth protruding onto the path. The porch creaks under my weight like the boards are rotten and I look down dubiously, expecting my foot to go through them. Before I can even knock, the door is opened and I’m faced with Liam, that same annoying expressionless mask on his face.
“You’re late.”
“Only by forty minutes,” I say to his retreating back as he goes down the hallway. I take that as an invitation and hesitantly step inside, closing the door behind me. The carpet is worn and the wallpaper faded. I get a glimpse of the living area as we walk past and see an older guy sitting on the couch in front of the TV with a beer in his hand. He doesn’t even look our way. Near the end of the hallway Liam opens a door and enters. When I follow I’m surprised at how neat and tidy it is. A desk sits against the wall beneath the only window; it’s bare except for a laptop, printer and a small set of speakers. A few shelves hold a variety of books, other than that that the walls are decorated with pictures of bands and semi naked models. The single bed is hard up against the wall. It’s neatly made and I wonder absentmindedly if we’ll be having sex on the bed or the floor.
I close the door behind me, and just stand there unsure of what to do. He sits on the bed, kicks off his shoes and takes his t-shirt off. I catch myself staring at his bare chest and understand why girls go for him. Then I find my voice.
“Wait, shouldn’t you tutor me for the oral assessment first?”
“She hasn’t told us anything about it yet. I need to know what to focus on first.”
“Oh.”
He pats the bed beside him, beckoning me. I take a deep breath and walk over to the bed where I sit down, careful not to touch him.
He breaches the gap between us quickly as his hands go to my shoulders, his face leans in toward me and he touches my mouth gently with his. I pull away, turning my head. I wasn’t expecting this.
“What are you doing?” I ask.
He frowns with confusion as he drops his hands from my shoulders. “Uh, kissing you?”
“I know that, just, why? I thought we were just having sex. You didn’t say we had to do that.”
He rolls his eyes, “Christ, do you want me to spell out every little thing I do when I screw a girl? Kissing and sex go together. I like kissing girls.” He reaches for his t-shirt. “Look, if you’ve changed your mind, there’s the door.” He nods with his head. “I got shit to do.”
I frown, oddly offended. “No, it’s fine,” I snap. “We can kiss, if that’s what you want.” He gives me a suspicious look but throws his t-shirt onto the chair at the desk. Then he turns to me again, this time one arm goes around my waist and the other is placed lightly on my back. He presses his lips against mine, softly at first and then his lips become more urgent as his tongue seeks entry. I let him in and kiss him back. It surprises me that I’m enjoying the kissing bit so much. I find my arms going around him of their own accord and I pull him toward me.
And that’s what we do.
We kiss.
I’m fully dressed with my arms around this shirtless boy, my breasts pressed flat against his chest. Everything in my head is silent, and there is nothing more than this, our two tongues dancing together naturally. One hand, warm and rough, sneaks under my sweater to touch the skin at my hip, moving in small circles that match the rhythm of our tongues…
And then a fucking intrusive sound ruins it all. My eyes fly open at the sound and as his mouth leaves mine, so do his fingers. He grabs his cell phone and I stare dumbly, offended.
“Shit. I’ve gotta get going.” He stands up and reaches for his t-shirt.
I find my voice and it’s filled with bitchy. “What the hell are you doing?” I sneer at him.
He pulls the t-shirt over his head, covering his body and it’s like a barrier between us, bringing me down to reality. “It’s Friday night. I’ve got plans, and you were late.” He grins. “Looks like you miss out tonight, princess.”
“Our deal…”
“Relax.” He’s turned to the small mirror that hangs on the wall, and runs his hand through his hair. It’s mussed. Did I do that? Everything that just happened seems somewhat of a blur. Surely not. I wouldn’t want to touch him more than necessary. “I’ll call you next week. You’ll get your good grades. I promised, didn’t I?” He finally turns back to me. “Now, seriously. You need to get going. I’m going to be late.”
I nearly huff with indignation and feel my cheeks flushing, but then I get myself under control. I am stone. I am ice. I don’t say goodbye or even cast him another glance as I leave the room, car keys in hand.
Chapter Three
The good news is that Lucas is part of my assignment group for English. The bad news is that Liam is in the same group. We sit in the Library sharing a table. Liam takes the seat beside mine before Lucas even gets a chance. The fourth member of a group is Nadia, a friend of Liam’s. She dresses in lots of black and has her head shaved on one side to show off a tribal tattoo emblazoned across her skull. Secretly, I’m in awe of her daring.
Thankfully Nadia does the organizing and splits the assignment into four parts so that there is one for each of us. Liam looks bored and just keeps playing on his phone, and Lucas is more interested in talking to me than doing any work.
“Are you going to Sarah’s party on Saturday?” Lucas asks me from across the table. God, his eyes are blue. “Mags says she’s going.”
I shrug, “I don’t know if I’ll be allowed, my stepdad …”
Lucas nods. “Yeah, Mags says he can be a bit of dick. Real strict and stuff.” I just shrug and look away. I don’t want to talk about Stefan. “I could pick you up, you know. If you do get to go,” he offers.
My lips curve into a smile as I practically beam at him. “That’s so nice. Thanks, I’ll try asking and let you know.” My phone beeps and I roll my eyes as I check it. It’s from Liam, the guy who’s sitting right next to me. I read it anyway.
‘Stop mooning over him and do some work. Otherwise you’ll have to screw me twice a week to pass English as well.’
I lick my lips and maintain my outward calm façade while I text back,
‘I’m not ‘mooning’ over anyone, you dick. Get off your phone and do some work’.
Then I feel his warm hand on my leg beneath the table, it slowly begins to push my skirt up higher
I casually grab my pen and try to stab it into the hand that’s resting on the table next to me. He’s quick though, and moves it before I can hit any flesh. I glare at him while he gives me an amused smirk.
Nadia and Lucas look up when they hear the noise of my pen hitting the table, mystified looks on their faces. I look down at the paper in front of me and try to look like I’m actually doing some work. The hand leaves my thigh. He doesn’t bother me again.
Friday afternoon rolls around, and I’m annoyed to find that there are still butterflies in my stomach. I sit in my car outside his house for a full five minutes before getting out.
This time all the beer bottles have been picked up and the grass has been cut. The house still looks like shit though. Liam answers the door, his hair is wet and he has a towel wrapped around his waist like he’s just got out of the shower. This could be a lot worse. He could have a horrible body. He doesn’t even say anything to me, he just turns and walks down the hall and I follow.
His bedroom is just as neat and tidy as last time. Slowly, I close the door behind us, and rest my head against it, raising my eyes to the ceiling. He’s watching me, and I try to work up the courage to meet his gaze, but I can’t.
We both stay like that, for a minute maybe. Him staring; me watching the ceiling. It feels like eternity.
And then he acts.
It’s back with the kissing again. I know what he’s doing. He’s coaxing me and seducing me. He’s trying to warm up this piece of stone; this shark with her cold, cold blood.
He undresses me in between kisses, his actions are so natural and smooth that I don’t feel as self-conscious like I normally do, almost like nudity is a natural state. Then he’s lowering me down onto my back and kissing my breasts and swirling his tongue around my nipples which are hard and desperate for his touch. While his mouth is busy, a hand snakes down between my legs and starts to play with me.
These aren’t the clumsy fingers, prodding with cruelty driving them. This is different. I stay in my body. I feel myself clench like I have no control over it and the feeling is wonderful. I let out a low moan. It’s alien for me to ever feel any pleasure during sex. I open my eyes when he stops touching me, and see him rolling a condom on. He enters me slowly and cautiously as if he’s aware that I might hurt. It doesn’t though, and I find myself arching up towards him. He takes this as encouragement and starts to thrust faster. The sensation is all good and I don’t feel tense at all. I can feel how wet I am as he slides his length all the way out and then is back in again, harder and faster.
I open my eyes when he comes, only to find him staring at me with a look of ecstasy on his face. I feel like touching his cheek, but don’t of course, because this is just a business arrangement. He just stays there, looking at me as his breathing becomes normal. Finally, he seems to remember himself, and he pulls out and rolls onto the bed beside me as he busies himself removing the condom and disposing of it in the bin beside the bed. Then he swings his legs over the side of the bed and just sits there, facing away from me. I feel awkward and unsure of what to do. That moment, whatever the hell it was, is over.
“Can I get dressed now?” I ask. It’s automatic because it’s what I normally have to ask. I cringe inwardly as I realize how submissive and scared I sound. He turns to look at me, a surprised look on his face.
“Of course.” Then he quickly looks away and reaches down to gather my clothes and passes them to me. He stands up, grabbing a towel that’s hanging on the back the door. “I’m gonna have a shower. Can you see yourself out?” He doesn’t wait for my reply as he wraps the towel around his waist and leaves, shutting the door behind him.
Disappointment at his dismissal floods over me. I’m not sure why. Did I want him to hold me after sex, or something cheesy like that? It’s only Liam the asshole so it can’t be that. I dress swiftly, anxious to leave before he comes back. When I get to the safety of my car I just sit there for a moment, replaying events in my head. I laugh as I realize what is wrong. I was just grateful that someone who had sex with me was gentle, that’s all. And then I realize how pathetic that is and my laughing turns to sobs. It takes me a moment to compose myself to be able to drive.
I ask about the party the next morning at breakfast. My Mom surfaced from her bedroom for coffee and then disappeared back to her room. Even Stefan acts like she’s not there half the time. He cooks eggs for breakfast and since he’s in a good mood he actually says yes to my request. I don’t tell him about Lucas picking me up though. I can’t see that going over too well.
I wait outside by the curb for Lucas to arrive. I managed to sneak outside while Stefan was on the phone so he won’t see what I’m wearing. It’s not that I’m wearing anything really revealing, just a loose skirt that reaches mid-thigh. My top is completely conservative, showing next to no cleavage. My hair sits perfectly for the first time in forever and I’m pretty sure I look nice. Lucas picks me up right on time. He gives me a broad smile, and I give him a nervous ‘hello’ in return.
I don’t know why I’m nervous, it’s not like anything can happen between us anyway.
Sarah’s house is packed. It’s like half the school is here.
“Do you want a beer?” Lucas yells over the music as he grabs one from the six pack he’s holding.
“Sure.” I say, even though I don’t really drink that often because, well, look at the fucked up addict I come from. I sip my beer, not really sure what to say to him. But as it turns out I don’t really have to because suddenly a group of his friends surround him talking about some sports game and then he’s gone.
So I’m standing there alone in the corner. I’ve left my phone at home so I can’t even text Mags or any of my friends to see if they’re here yet. I see a few people I know, but aren’t really friendly with, so beyond nodding hello I don’t feel like I can go up and talk to them. After there’s a fight near where I’m standing, I escape outside and that’s where I find my friend Philippa. She gives me a hug.
“I didn’t know you were coming, this is so cool,” she half slurs before taking another drink out of her bottle.
“Hey, have you seen Mags?” I ask.
Philippa’s eyes light up with gossip. “Yeah, she took off upstairs half an hour ago with some guy, an older guy. He’s like in college or something.”
I frown, and Philippa mistakes it for disapproval. “Oh, please. Just because you’re practically the only virgin left in this school doesn’t mean the rest of us can’t indulge.”
I laugh at that. The funny thing is if I were really a virgin I would be absolutely mortified by her pointing that out and making me feel like a freak. She laughs with me, and then gives me hug and a kiss on the cheek.
“I love you,” she gushes, and then she releases me as her boyfriend, Ethan, comes up and wraps his arms around her. “Speaking of sex, I gotta go.” She gives me a drunken smile as they stumble away together to some hidden corner. I think that they’ll both pass out before they get any clothes off. Lucky for me my other friends Lise and Nat aren’t as drunk or preoccupied with guys so I have some people to talk to. I even have a few more beers and am feeling quite relaxed and happy. Lise and Nat have both hooked up with guys from our school and are making out with them beside the pool. I sit on a sun lounger with a very drunk Jeremiah paying me a little too much attention. Usually Jeremiah is an okay guy, but a drunk Jeremiah means a sleazy Jeremiah and I’m getting sick of fending him off.
“Have you seen Lucas?” I ask, removing his hand from my leg for the tenth time.
“Inside.” He says to my boobs. “Hey, where are you going?” I don’t bother to answer as I get up and march inside quickly, just in case he decides to follow. I push through people until I locate Lucas.
And he is drunk. His eyes are glazed and he’s leaning against the kitchen counter like he can’t stand without it. His eyes manage to focus on me.
“Michaela, babe. Have a beer.” He tries to push his half empty can into my hand without much success. I end up snatching it from him and placing it on the counter beside him.
“I guess you’re not driving us home now,” I sigh. I should be mad but I’m just disappointed that this guy that I’ve put on a pedestal has let me down.
He looks at me, suddenly serious now. “I’m sorry, sorry, babe.” Then one of his friends launches himself at him, and Lucas manages to catch him before they both go toppling over, laughing. All attention is gone from me and I slip away. I guess I’m walking home now.
I hug my coat around me and make my way down the driveway. It’s there that I see Liam making out with a girl on the hood of a car. I av
ert my eyes and just walk past until I hear a yell behind me.
“Hey.”
I keep walking.
“Hey!”
The footsteps jog up to me and a hand takes my arm. Liam stares at me with drunk eyes. “You weren’t a virgin,” he says simply.
Then the girl sitting on the hood of the car calls to him and his attention darts back to her. I take that opportunity to pull my arm free from his grasp and then I keep walking.
Chapter Four
My heart sinks when I see the box that Stefan gives me.
“Get changed, we’re leaving in 20 minutes. Put some more makeup on as well.” It’s Thursday evening and I was just about to go to bed but I do as he says. Inside the pale pink box is a bra and thong. They’re white and very, very see through. I may as well be wearing nothing. He stands in the doorframe and watches as I get changed. When I reach for clothes to cover the lingerie, he shakes his head.
“No, just put this on until we get there.” He hands me one of my Mom’s long coats and I cover myself with it before sitting at the dresser to do my makeup. After I finish circling my mouth with a red lipstick, slut red I call it, he’s pulling me up. “Let’s go.”
We’re both silent for the drive into the city. I know better than to ask questions. I assume it’s to some private party again. He pulls into a parking garage of a building that I’ve never been in before.
Before we get out the car, Stefan grips my face in his hand and digs his fingers into my cheeks. He looks me straight in the eye and I flinch at the coldness that I see there.
“Let’s get the rules straight. You don’t say a fucking word to anyone unless I say so, you don’t cry, and you don’t act like you’re scared.” My heart is beating so fast with fear now, not knowing what to expect.
He digs his fingers harder into my face. “Show me a smile.” He demands, and it’s near impossible to force my face into that unnatural motion with his fingers like that but somehow I manage. He drops his hand then, and nods his head in approval.