by T. L Smith
I shake my head and step back, looking around to make sure we haven’t drawn an audience. People are making toasts around the table, but they stop to look at Kyrone as he walks to stand next to me and starts speaking.
“Ben, you sure have found a lucky one here. Katrina is as beautiful inside as well as out. Trust me I know,” he adds with a wink, making everyone laugh. “I’m so happy, Kat, that you found the one person you’re looking for in life. Not many people can say they’ve found that one person that makes their soul sing just for them and I’m glad I’ve been here to witness it.” He grabs my hand and gives it a squeeze. “One day, when I’m ready, I hope to have what you both have. Someone to make me smile and that will love me for me, faults and all, even if I do annoy the shit out of them. So cheers to you both. May you fuck every day,” he adds, being the true Kyrone with his smart ass comment at the end.
People go around the table and make a toast each. When it comes to me, I’m lost for words. Everyone has said something so perfect. I don’t even know Ben. I don’t know about their relationship, but all I can see is the love he has for her. I silently raise a glass and everyone cheers. I stand to leave after the toast because I need to sleep. I’m so tired from last night and this morning. As I make my way up the stairs, I look behind me and see Kyrone following me. I stop and look at him.
“I’m going to sleep, Kyrone,” I tell him, then turn back to head toward my room. A hand stops me from shutting my door and Kyrone walks in. I don’t say anything else as I remove my clothes and climb into bed. “No fucking, I’m tired,” I mumble into the pillow.
“That’s just mean. You’re just mean,” he complains, climbing in after me.
“Why did you follow?” I ask as he stares at me.
“I was hoping to get some,” he laughs. I shake my head and lay it in his lap. “You really tired?” he asks. I yawn and nod my head. “Okay, we can fuck when you wake up,” he says, pulling me up closer so we are snuggling.
“You’re still the only girl I’ve ever brought to my room,” he whispers into my hair. “It just doesn’t seem right any other way,” he continues, answering my hidden question. “Why is that, Christina? Why are you the only one I let get close? I don’t understand it.” I don’t answer him. I let him think I’m asleep. He sounds like he’s fighting with himself over someone he only fucks. “You know, I know when you’re sleeping, right? I always know,” he laughs, pulling me tighter. I smile, knowing he can’t see it.
He’s gone when I finally wake up. I hear my phone ringing and look for it, finding it on the end of the bed. I notice that I have four missed calls from work. I listen to the voice mails and hear my boss freaking out, asking me if I can cut my week short and come back as soon as possible. She has to interview a big celebrity and wants me there with her. I type an email to her and she sends one straight back to me, saying she’s booked my flight for later tonight. I climb out of bed and walk downstairs to see all the boys watching football and drinking. I don’t see the girls anywhere. Tanner looks up and smiles brightly at me.
“You’re awake,” Kyrone’s voice booms from behind me. I turn to see him carrying a glass of water. He hands it to me and I take it. “I just left you to get a drink. Seems you can’t sleep without me,” he says while reaching for me.
“Where are the girls?” I ask, looking around.
“They’ll be back any minute. They went shopping when we went to sleep, been gone all day. Just about how long you slept for,” Tanner answers from behind me. Just then, Hillary and Katrina enter.
“I have to fly home tonight. Work has called and they need me back home,” I tell them, as they stand in front of me. Hillary purses her lips and Katrina cuddles me.
“Thanks so much for coming,” she says and walks off over to Ben. Hillary looks behind me and then at me. Her eyes go wide and she heads in the other direction. I turn to see Kyrone walking up the stairs.
I follow Kyrone to the bedroom, not saying a word. He strips naked and walks over to me and proceeds to strip me, leaving just my skirt on. His kisses over my body are frantic as he traces my skin. He doesn’t waste anytime placing a condom on and hiking my skirt up. He enters me fast and I almost scream from the pain, then the pleasure overtakes me. He doesn’t speak or look at me. Instead, he turns me around and I place my hands on the bed. He fucks me hard until we both come and I collapse down onto the bed, him lying down next to me. After a good hour has passed without either of us speaking, I think he’s gone to sleep. I get up and start getting dressed.
“You’re leaving again, aren’t you?” he asks from the bed. I don’t lie. There’s no point, but I wonder how many times I can walk away from him and try to keep my heart intact. I simply nod my head and pull on my skirt. His eyes follow my every movement. “It’s going to be another year before I see you again. Hell, it could be even longer. Can’t you just stay another day?” he asks nicely but never pleading.
“I can’t Kyrone, I have work to do. So do you. This could never work. We live too far apart from each other and sex is the only thing we’re good at. Don’t mess that up,” I say, knowing it’s a lie. The feelings are there and it’s becoming harder to do this.
“Don’t lie to yourself Christina, and I won’t lie to you. It’s there, we’re just too stubborn to admit it or act on it. This time I’m going to try,” he says, standing up from the bed, the bed sheet falling from his naked body. I watch as he makes his way toward me. My knees start to buckle. I want to lay back down with him and I want him to hold me, but that’s not the man he is. I know what type of man he is, he’s a playboy who likes to get between my legs. Maybe likes me a little more, but I don’t think enough for me to give up my career.
“We can’t. What will we do? See each other once a month? Maybe more if our schedules allow it? We’re both so busy, Kyrone. It’s hard trying to find me time, let alone you time,” I whine, when I know I’d make time for him in a heartbeat, but I know his needs and they’re greater than mine.
“Just… next time, call me straight away. I will drop everything to see you. Hell, next time I’m in New York, I’m coming to you,” he says placing his hands on my ass and pulling me to him. I lay my head on his chest and nod. It might happen, but I won’t expect anything.
“Come on then, let’s get you dressed and off to the airport. Going to see you off and say goodbye this time,” he says, stepping away and reaching for his clothes. I finish getting dressed and pack the rest of my stuff with him watching, thinking about the “what ifs?”
“I can’t believe you have to leave early,” Hillary whines while cuddling me. I break her embrace and cuddle Katrina, then say my goodbyes to Ben and the boys.
Tanner picks me up and spins me around, making me laugh. “I’ve missed you. Don’t leave it this long again,” he orders, placing me back down gently to the floor. I kiss his cheek and walk over to Kyrone who’s patiently standing at the door with my bags.
The ride to the airport is silent, both of us lost in our thoughts. When we arrive, his hand stops me from getting out. I turn to face him and his face tightens.
“I’ll miss you,” he says, picking up my hand and kissing it. He places a present in my hand and tells me not open until later. I smile and get out, watching him drive away from the airport doors and wonder what it would be like to really know him, to know what he loves and likes. I know how he likes sex and he knows a shitload about me.
Once he’s gone, I open the present he left me with. It’s a copy of Dirty Dancing and box of chocolates. My smile is forced now, trying to hide the pieces of my heart that have shattered with his gift. It’s nothing special to anyone else, but to us, well, it was our beginning.
***
It will be another two years before I see Kyrone again. Two very long years with things changing tremendously in both our lives.
I currently live in Los Angeles. I chose to live closer to my grandfather as he’s very sick. I run the blog at FAM magazine because Zara, my boss, didn’t
want me to leave the company. Instead, she promoted me and let me transfer to be closer to home. My grandfather was diagnosed with cancer two years ago, not long after my trip to Texas, but we didn’t know what he had then. He told me he was fine, but I could hear it in his voice and I flew out to see him one weekend. He looked so sick I took him straight to the hospital. It turns out he had cancer in his bowel. They have carried out a few surgeries on him already, but it has spread and it is terminal. Now it’s just a waiting game, which scares the shit out of me. He’s basically the only family I have left in this world, the only one that loves and cares for me constantly. I don’t know what I’ll do when he isn’t here anymore and I’m afraid my heart won’t take it. I cry at the thought of him being gone and I don’t know what will happen when the time comes.
He’s in the hospital now and doesn’t leave. The doctors say it’s only a matter of days. Days, they say! They act like it’s an everyday occurrence to tell someone you only have days to spend with the one person you love unconditionally. As I leave the hospital, my spirit is broken. I feel like a walking zombie some days; forcing my smile when I see him and not breaking down when I leave.
My phone starts buzzing in my hand and, without looking to see who it is, I press the reject button. I don’t want to talk. I want to go to bed and cry. I want to cry for him leaving me and cry for him going away. I want to scream at cancer and its incurable ass.
Once I arrive home, I do my daily duties and read all my emails, then post to all the social media platforms, as well as our blog. When that’s done, I collapse on my bed. My phone goes off again, it’s Hillary. She never stops calling, wanting to know how things are. What can she do? Do I need her? It’s always the same questions and I always give the same answers. Nothing and no!
I try to shift my mind away from everything and my mind drifts to him. The person I see everywhere now, at celebrity events, in modeling advertisements and on television. I can’t escape him. Even two years later, he’s still in my dreams and thoughts.
Last night he was at a red carpet award event with a model on his arm. He was smiling at her the same way he used to smile at me. He’s been seeing her for nearly six months now, and yes, I do stalk him, even if it brings me pain to do so. I like to know how his life has been and what he’s been doing.
He looks happy though, and he doesn’t look like his usual self when he’s having just a fling. In all the pictures he’s holding her and kissing her. With each picture, my heart breaks just that bit more, but I don’t have a right to be mad or angry. I left and wouldn’t give it a chance. It was impossible though, at the time our lives were so different, so busy. At least he has someone on his level now, someone he can see when he pleases and someone who will put him first. I wasn’t able to make the time for him, so I guess I brought it on myself really. Watching his happiness while I break slowly each day, well, some would call it karma. I don’t know what I would call it… maybe a bitch.
My phone starts ringing again, I’m going to have to answer it because she won’t stop until I do. I know how persistent Hillary can be when she wants something.
“Yeah?” I answer the phone while lying on my small, single bed. There was no need to get another house and I’m back to where I was before I left – in my grandfather’s house while he’s in the hospital.
“Oh my God, you finally answered. I’ve been worried sick!” she shrieks through the phone. I pull it away from my ear so I can’t hear her incessant screeching. “CJ,” I vaguely hear her call and place the phone back to my ear.
“Yeah,” I reply dryly.
“I want to come out there to be with you. I think you need a friend,” she says, getting emotional. I can’t do emotional right now, I just don’t need it.
“No Hillary, I’m busy. I have too much to do. Please don’t come,” I say practically begging her.
“You will call me though, once you need me? I will fly straight to you,” she asks in question. I nod my head and then realize she can’t see me.
“Yes,” I reply quietly.
“I feel like I should be there with you,” she says so softly I almost miss it.
“No, I like my alone time, Hillary.” Half is true, half is not. Alone time brings bad thoughts, but I can’t handle company either at the moment.
“Okay, I love you, CJ,” she says sincerely.
“Love you too, Hill,” I say before I disconnect.
Hillary is still in our old apartment in New York. She didn’t want to leave and wanted it to be somewhere I could come home to when I decide to go back. I just don’t think I will go back. There’s nothing there for me anymore. I can work anywhere and right now, I’m needed where I am, in Los Angeles.
I lay my head on the pillow and try for sleep. Sleep that brings bad dreams and bad memories. It’s like I’m being tortured for being tired, like someone wants me to live through all this pain. I dream of a life without Granddad in it and I usually wake up in tears, tears that were streaming down my face while I slept. I try so hard to think happy thoughts before I pass out, but as soon as I start to drift off, my phone rings again. I don’t know who it is and no one rings me this late. I look at the caller ID and my gut collapses onto the floor. It’s the hospital and there’s only one reason they’d ring this late.
“Hi, Miss Johnson?” the man asks.
“Yes,” I reply shaking.
“You are the next of kin for Mr. Charles Johnson. Is that correct?”
“Yes,” I whisper.
“He has taken a bad turn and I’d advise that if you want to see him, it would be best to do so immediately,” he says.
I hang up the phone, throw on the clothes nearest to me and race all the way to the hospital, breaking all the speed limits possible.
I run to his room and a man stops me just before I enter. He’s young, probably not much older than I am. I look up at him, he has his hand on my arm and I throw him a glare.
He removes his hand and steps back. “I’m sorry. Are you the young lady here to see Mr. Johnson?” he asks, and I nod my head. His eyes grow soft and I know what he’s about to say. I want to cover my ears and just ignore his words.
“I’m sorry, Miss Johnson, he tried to wait, but he passed away five minutes ago,” he says, dropping his head. I nod my head and turn back around. I hear words, but nothing is reaching my ears. I keep walking until I reach my car, where I sit for hours not knowing what to do or how to do it. I have nothing… no one.
My window is tapped sometime in the morning. I look up and notice the young doctor, the doctor that will now haunt my dreams. He smiles softly and I wind my window down. He looks into my eyes and then reaches through my window and passes me a coffee. I take it because, well fuck, I don’t know. Then he walks off without saying a word. He just bought me coffee for being weird and sitting like a freak in his hospital parking lot all night.
I sit in the same spot until my coffee is cold and my legs are dead. My phone starts buzzing. I look at the time and see it's after six a.m. I’ve been sitting in this same spot for well over six hours. Six hours of not moving.
When I arrive home, it’s even quieter than when I left if that’s possible. I take a shower and start to arrange the funeral, trying to have it all sorted so it’s out of the way. My mind and body are on autopilot by the time I ring Hillary to break the news to her. She cries on the phone and tells me she’ll be on the next flight. I nod my head and hang the phone up. I don’t have any family to call, so I call Granddad’s work friends who have come to see him constantly since he’s been in the hospital. He has worked with the same men for years, his close friends. At around lunchtime, there’s a knock on the door. I’ve called everyone I can think of and now I just want to sleep. I ignore the knock and turn the shower on, hoping to drown out whoever it is, but the knocking gets louder with each bang. I wrap a towel around my body and swing the door open, ready to yell at whoever is obnoxiously hammering on my door. I stop dead in my tracks. He looks good. He always looks
good, his charming looks are what drew me to him in the first place. He isn’t smiling now though, he looks sad and I realize he knows. Hillary must have told him.
“I don’t want company,” I say and start to shut the door in his face. He scrunches his nose up and stops the door easily.
“You do. You just don’t know it yet.” He tries to smile, but it doesn’t reach his eyes.
“Trust me, I don’t,” I reply dryly.
“I’m coming in and we’re going to have dinner. You look like you haven’t eaten for days,” he tells me, holding up a bag of Chinese food. My stomach growls loudly and I let him in, watching as he enters. As he reaches me, he leans in and kisses my cheek. “Go… shower…” He shoos me away. I oblige and walk to the shower, wondering why he’s here and how he arrived so fast, considering I’ve only just spoken to Hillary.
I don’t wonder anymore as I move under the warm shower and stay until the water runs cold. I’m shaking and I feel a hand touch me, but I don’t jump or act surprised. I let him turn off the shower and pick me up. He places me in a towel and I don’t say a word while I let him guide me around like I’m a child.
“You need to eat,” he says after he pulls a nightie over my head and down my body. I follow him quietly to the kitchen, where the food is more than likely cold now. I eat two bites of rice and it’s all I can stomach. I stand and go to my single bed. He follows and squeezes in next to me and brushes my hair like he used to, which lulls me to sleep.
“I’ll stay,” I vaguely hear him say as he kicks off his shoes.
“Tanner,” is all I say before I pass out, wondering why he’s here.
It's quiet when I wake and I turn my head to see Tanner is still sleeping next to me. He feels me moving and wakes up, then looks at me and smiles softly. I stand and walk silently to the bathroom because I’m still lost for words. Tomorrow is the funeral. Tomorrow is the day I lay my last loved one to rest. Tomorrow is the day I will break, I know it now.