by Rachel Del
It was about that time that the guilt began to settle in. Tanner could feel it deep in his bones. Each time he saw Leah, every moment they spent together, he found it hard to push the feelings out of his mind. She deserved so much better.
And with her seated across the table from him then, he knew it to be inexplicably true. It was at that moment that she lifted her head, catching him watching her and smiled, that Tanner felt a piece of himself break off and fall away.
“Penny for your thoughts?” she asked. He couldn’t help but smile. Her insistence in using outdated phrases was one of her quirks that he couldn’t get enough of.
“I was just thinking about you,” he replied honestly.
She blinked, a slow grin spreading across her face. “That’s a funny thing to do considering I’m right here in front of you.”
Tanner couldn’t help but feel that it was terribly poetic. He had spent his adult life pushing away any kind of commitment, convincing himself that settling down was something he never wanted to do. And now he had the perfect girl in front of him just waiting for his mistakes to catch up with him and show her what he had known all along: she deserved better than him.
__
“What am I supposed to do Elle?”
“You have to tell her.”
“I can’t do that. This girl is just begging for a real reason to walk away for good. It’s what she’s always done. I can’t just hand her an excuse on a silver platter like that.”
“She’s going to find out eventually, and then she’s definitely going to walk away.”
“I’ll tell her its fiction. That’s what I do… I write fiction.”
“From what you’ve told me, she’s not an idiot, Tanner. She’s not going to fall for that.”
Tanner slammed his closed fist against the wall.
“Hey! Don’t take your shit out on my house.”
“Sorry.”
“What does your therapist say about all of this?”
Tanner cringed. “Do you have any idea how depressing it is to hear that sentence come out of your mouth?”
“I can imagine. So what does she say?”
“I haven’t told her about Leah.”
Elle set a hand on her brothers’ shoulder. “I think maybe it’s time that you do. I’m here to listen to all this and help in any way that I can, but if you keep taking it out on my walls I’m going to have to start charging you.”
__
Tanner stared at the boring tan colored walls in Dr. Schultz’ office, waiting for her to begin.
“Last week we briefly touched upon your inability to write your novel. Have you made any progress since we last spoke?”
“None.”
“Have you given any thought as to why you’re having so much trouble this time around?”
Tanner shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “Not really.”
“So you’re avoiding it?”
“Pretty much,” he said, laughing nervously.
“Is that something you often do when things get tough?”
“What, avoid them?”
“Yes.”
He thought about that for a few moments. “I guess so, yeah.”
“So we’ve established a pattern then. That’s good. Now we can work to break it.”
“Great,” Tanner responded facetiously.
“I’d like to talk about your father some more.”
“What does he have to do with this?”
“Maybe everything. Maybe nothing. That’s why I’m asking.”
Tanner sighed. His father was his least favorite subject, one he had done extremely well in avoiding for the last few years.
“You said he wasn’t interested in raising his children. Why do you say that?”
Tanner thought of all the stories he could tell her; of the picture he could paint for her so that she would understand.
“He was never around, and when he was, he never spent time with Elle and me. He was always out with his friends or working in the garage by himself. At first I used to go out there and try to take an interest in what he was doing. I thought maybe then he’d want to spend time with me. It didn’t take long for me to realize that wasn’t the case. He barely spent time with my mom either. I never understood why she stayed with him all these years.”
“So they’re still married?”
“Somehow, yeah.”
“It sounds like your dad was avoiding something as well. His life maybe.”
Tanner thought he had never heard truer words in his life. It made perfect sense really. Why else would his father distance himself from them the way he did.
And then the meaning behinds her word really began to sink in. Tanner frowned.
“You think I’m avoiding my life?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“You’re saying I’m just like my dad.”
“I didn’t say that either,” Dr. Schultz said. “Why do you think you’re getting agitated?”
He scoffed. “Honestly? You’re pissing me off.”
“What about what I’m saying is making you angry, Tanner?”
“Well for one: that sickening calm voice you’re using makes me feel like you’re talking to a child. And two: I am nothing like my father.”
Dr. Schultz was quiet, studying him, her hands clasped together on her lap.
“Can we talk about something else?” He cut in before she had a chance to respond.
“Sure. What would you like to talk about?”
Tanner thought for a moment, his conversation with Elle echoing in his head. He took a few deep breaths in an attempt to calm down. “I met someone.”
Dr. Schultz looked pleasantly surprised. “Oh?”
He was almost surprised by the way he spoke of Leah, leaving nothing out. He talked about the way she walked around the house while she brushed her teeth, never staying in the bathroom like most people. He talked about how impossibly gorgeous she looked even when she wasn’t trying. He talked about her stubborn streak, the way her eyes closed when she smiled, the way she made him feel.
“Does she know about your book?”
Tanner exhaled slowly. “No. She doesn’t.”
“Do you hear yourself when you talk about her, Tanner? We haven’t spent much time together but what I do know is that you aren’t really the kind of guy who has these feelings often, if at all. Don’t you think that if you feel the way you do about her, she deserves to know?”
“She’ll leave,” Tanner whispered, inaudibly.
“I’m sorry, I missed that.”
“I said: she’ll leave.”
“What makes you so sure of that?”
“She doesn’t want anything serious. She has told me that many times over. I figure that with time I can get her to change her mind, but if I tell her she’ll leave, and I’ll never get her back.”
“What kind of a relationship do you expect to have if you begin with dishonesty?”
Her words felt like a kick to his gut. Then again he wasn’t paying her to sugarcoat anything.
“It’s better than nothing. Which right now, is basically what I have.”
“What happens when you finish your book?”
“If I finish my book, which isn’t looking likely,” he said. “I guess I’ll deal with it if the time comes.”
“You’re avoiding again.”
He laughed. “Yeah, I guess I am.”
“For the record, I think it’s a terrible idea not to tell her now.”
Tanner looked her square in the eye, his patience having run its course. “Okay. Noted.”
Silence filled the small room. Tanner stared down at his hands, idly wondering if the silence was a technique therapists used often: make them uncomfortable and see what happens.
“Were you born and raised in Las Vegas, Tanner?”
The question caught him off guard, as he assumed she was expecting him to continue talking about Leah. “I was, but I spent some time in New York. Feels like a lifetime a
go, though.”
Chapter 6
July 23, 2015: 10:15 AM
I’m certain that there exists a name for the emotion you feel when you hear yourself saying the phrase "I got food poisoning from Jack in the Box and threw up out of my car window at a red light". I wish I could figure out the name. It's not quite shame, not quite outrage. It has something to do with feeling completely out of control of your own body.
And I had been having such a good day before then, too.
How I ended up at that greasy burger joint I don’t even really know. Let’s say that my car simply found its way there, and with my stomach growling incessantly, I stood no chance.
I ordered one of their new garlic butter burgers, which was so disgusting that it was beyond spectacular. I topped it off with a churro, because my body hadn’t been shocked enough already.
I would have made it home before the retching began if it weren’t for a snippet of a conversation I overheard from the next table that had me grabbing for my notebook.
Hey. You never know where your next big book idea will come from.
Needless to say, it was another twenty-three minutes before I found my way back to my car.
Moments later, with my head angled strangely out my window, I was throwing up chunks of meat and cheese and something that looked strangely like orzo pasta. When the light turned green, I slowly pulled an illegal U-turn and spent the remainder of the drive home driving twenty miles per hour with my hazard lights on. I must have looked like a dog with my head hanging out the window.
It lasted most of the night, but I feel fine now, though I do intend to take the day slowly. In case you’re wondering: I'm going to slowly drink a flat, room temperature ginger ale and read a good book.
- TY
__
Tanner couldn’t recall the last time he was so interested in someone. Usually his interest waned quickly and he was on to the next, ready to meet someone new. Leah Foster was different. She was unique.
He found that he thought of her at the most inconvenient of times, a fact that drove him crazy as he had always been a diligent and focused writer. If he thought about it, his writing had begun to suffer the moment she had come into his life. He’d had the passing thought more than once that perhaps he wasn’t allowed both in life: it was either writing, or Leah. In which case, he wasn’t so sure which would make him the happiest.
Maybe, he thought, Leah going away would be a good thing. He could finally push past his writers block and have something to show Lily and Nathan.
“What are you working on?”
Leah strode into the room, barely dressed in a thin tank top and shorts that showed off the curves of her ass.
“Oh, nothing. Just finished another blog post.”
“That’ll make Nathan happy.”
Tanner nodded, shutting his laptop and pushing it aside as Leah sat down next to him.
“You hungry?” he asked.
“Starving,” she said. “Let’s order something in.”
“As long as you don’t answer the door wearing what you are,” he said, smirking.
“Why? Are you worried a pizza delivery guy will take one look at me and make it his life’s goal to make me his?”
“I would if I were him.”
“Well it’s a good thing I don’t intend to ever belong to anyone then.”
Tanner looked at her from the corner of his eyes. “You don’t ever want to get married?”
“Oh hell no. Not a chance.”
“Kids?”
“Absolutely not,” she said. “I like my life the way it is. I can come and go as I please without worrying about how someone else feels. I like not being tied down.”
“What about me?”
Leah sighed. “What about you?”
“You don’t feel tied down by me?”
“Not at all.”
“Hmm,” he said, frowning. “I don’t know if I like that.”
“Tanner,” she said, pressing her palms flat onto the table. “You know what this is.”
The this she was referring to was them.
“You’re a good looking, successful guy. You could get any girl you want.”
“But Leah,” he said, leaning into her. “You’re the only one I want.”
She pulled back. “Don’t say things like that.”
“You’re impossible,” he said, shaking his head, but he couldn’t help but smile. What was it his mom used to tell him when he was younger? The best girls are the hardest ones to get.
“You know I’m leaving soon, right?”
“Yeah, but it’s not like you’re never coming back.”
“And so, what, you’re going to wait around for me?”
She was staring at her phone in search of a number for a nearby pizza place.
Tanner smiled. “I was kind of thinking about it, yeah.”
“Come on,” Leah began, placing her hand on his shoulder. “We’re not these kind of people; the relationship people. You’ve got your place and I’ve got mine. You have your own life and I have mine. Things are great the way they are, why would you want to go and complicate that?”
“Relationships don’t have to be complicated.”
“It’s implied,” she responded. “Listen, I don’t really want to talk about this anymore. We’re having fun and the sex is great, so let’s just leave it be.”
There was a knock on the door.
As flustered as she was with the conversation, Leah wasn’t thinking as she scurried over to the front door and threw it open.
Lily’s smiling face stared back at her.
“Oh good, you’re home. I was worried I wouldn’t see you before you left for New York.”
Without asking, and before Leah could do anything to stop it, Lily brushed past her into the apartment. Her eyes scanned the familiar room briefly before landing squarely on Tanner, out of place, in the middle of the living room.
“Tanner?”
He looked up, shocked to see her standing there. “Hey Lily…”
Lily felt the blood drain from her face, her mind running wild with possibilities, each more disturbing one more disturbing than the last. Were they dating?
“Wait. I’m confused, what are you doing here? How do you know Leah?” Lily tried and failed to keep her voice calm and steady.
“I met her the same weekend that you came to see me at Sapphire. The next night, actually.” He resisted the urge to ask how she knew Leah. He was already in over his head.
“So that’s what it was…”
Tanner looked confused. “What?”
“That morning you came into the office to sign with us… I was certain that there was something different about you. You seemed happier.” Not only had he seemed happier, it was like he was a whole new person.
Tanner swallowed around the lump in his throat. Leah simply stared down at the floor.
“Yeah, well….” he mumbled.
“Should I make coffee?” Leah asked, needing to distance herself.
“No, I should really go, I just…” A thought came crashing into her mind so quickly that she lost track of her words. His book. Did Leah know?
“Why didn’t you guys tell me you were seeing each other?”
Leah cut in before Tanner could respond. “It’s not a big deal. We aren’t serious.”
“Aren’t you leaving for New York soon?”
“In a few days, yeah. He knows that.”
Lily looked over at Tanner, who for possibly the first time ever, wasn’t saying much.
“So if it’s nothing, then why keep it from me?”
Leah scoffed. “Come on, Lil, it’s not like we talk about all your conquests.”
“All my conquests? I’ve been with three men in my life.”
“Right,” she muttered under her breath.
“What was that?”
“Nothing. It was nothing. Listen, this has been fun and all, but didn’t you say you had to go?”
Leah
practically pushed her towards the door.
With Lily out of sight, Leah spun on her heels to face Tanner. “That’s just great,” she muttered.
She slammed the bedroom door so hard that Tanner swore he could feel the walls shake.
“I’ll just let myself out then,” he said to the empty room.
__
Lily couldn’t believe it. How could Tanner and Leah be sleeping together? She had always known that her sister had a tendency to choose the wrong men, but Tanner? Sure he was gorgeous and talented, but couldn’t Leah see what she saw?
“You won’t believe what I just walked in on,” Lily said the second she got home and walked into the kitchen where Nathan was sitting with her two year old son, Ben. A coloring book lay open in front of them, Ben’s fists wrapped tightly around a multitude of crayons.
“Hello to you too,” he said, leaning over to place a kiss on her cheek.
“I’m sorry. Hello.” She flashed him a brief smile.
“Now, what did you walk in on?”
“I went to see Leah before she left for New York and Tanner was there.”
“Tanner?”
Lily could almost feel her hands shaking. “They’re together. Well, sleeping together.”
Nathan blanched. Tanner’s “game changer” was that Leah? As in: Lily’s twin sister?
Lily caught his change in demeanor. “What? What is it?”
“I knew he was dating her,” he said, then caught himself. “Well, no that’s not entirely true. I knew he was seeing someone named Leah, but I never for a moment thought… Is it serious, do you think?”
“She said it wasn’t, but I got the impression that Tanner thought otherwise.”
Nathan sighed. “Granted he’s a bit of a hot mess, he’s not all that bad is he?”