by Rachel Del
She would tell him that maybe, just maybe, if she were going to end up being with someone – for real – that it certainly would be him.
But she didn’t tell him any of that.
“Long drive,” she murmured. “I’m just glad to be out in the fresh air.”
He threw his arms around her, pulling her against him. “I’m so glad you’re here.”
“Me too,” she said. And she meant it.
They sat outside until the cool air blowing in from the water sent them inside, running for the warmth of the blanketed couch.
“I want to know you better than anyone ever has before.”
It was comments like these that made Leah think that being with Tanner might not be so bad after all. It might even be exactly what she needed.
“There isn’t much to me,” she replied in earnest.
“Well I don’t believe that for a second.”
But it was the truth, really. Leah had always prided herself on being simple; easy to please and easy to understand. An open book.
“What would you like to know?” she asked.
“Anything and everything.”
“How about you give me a jumping off point?”
Tanner smiled, reaching over and brushing his hand across her wrist in the kind of second-nature way that made Leah feel as though he had touched her that way every day of her adult life.
“I want to know about the men in your life.”
“Really? That’s where you want to start?”
Tanner, never the jealous type, had been curious about her past love life from the moment they met. Actually, curious was an understatement; he was downright obsessed with knowing where he stood in relation to the others. However, it was unlikely that Leah was going to be as forthcoming as he hoped she would be.
“I have a theory about you that I would like to either confirm or dispel.”
“How in-depth do I need to get?”
“I’ll let you know as we go.”
Leah didn’t know where to begin, or how. “In my experience I find that I’m always disappointed.”
Tanner pouted.
“Until you,” she ventured. Tanner pulled his bottom lip back in. “My default mode has always been simply not to let anyone in past a certain point. And honestly, that has served me well so far.”
“Why do you think you’re that way?”
Leah smiled nervously and looked down at her lap. How much did she want to tell him?
“I’ve always identified as a realist and sometimes I think that has meant that I’ve missed out on a lot of the unexpected joys of life.”
“I’m not sure I follow.”
Leah wasn’t even quite sure what she was trying to say, but she continued on, stumbling her way through her unruly thoughts. “I play it very safe when it comes to relationships. I don’t get too invested, I make sure to maintain separate lives as much as possible and I don’t let myself fall in love. As much as I stand by these rules the truth is that I’ve come to realize that they have stopped me from truly enjoying my life.”
She fiddled with the slim gold band on her middle finger. “I have a great job and great friends – a great life really – but I’m missing one thing. A great love.”
A slow smile spread across Tanner’s face. “Well you definitely confirmed my theory.”
“Which was?” she asked. Her cheeks felt suddenly flush and she tugged the thin sweater from off of her shoulders, tossing it onto the couch beside her.
“That you’re just like me,” he began. “You go about your days convincing yourself that everything is fine just the way it is, ignoring that nagging voice in the back of your head that tells you otherwise. I’m just glad that you’ve finally stopped to listen to it.”
“Tanner.” His name came out in a whisper, her throat feeling suddenly dry as a bone. She lifted her gaze to meet his and was once again thrown by how incredibly beautiful his eyes were. So beautiful, in fact, that she lost her train of thought and sat still and silent as he continued to watch her.
“I want to hear you say it,” he said. Leah sucked in a sharp breath and held it. They sat together in silence, Tanner waiting for her to speak and Leah unwilling and unable to. It was so quiet that Leah could hear the wall clock ticking from across the room.
“I want to hear you say it,” he repeated. He reached out and took Leah’s hands in his.
Leah opened her mouth to speak, but all the times she was disappointed and let down in her past stopped her. She was doing well now, wasn’t she? Why did she want to take a chance at ruining that?
“I –”
Tanner leaned forward and pressed his lips against hers. It wasn’t new – kissing him – but the kiss felt different than any other before it and that was all Leah needed to know to confirm what she was feeling inside.
“I want to be with you,” she murmured against his parted lips. She could feel him smile against her.
“Now, was that so hard to say?” he replied, pulling Leah against him and wrapping his arms around her.
“Are you sure you’re ready for this?” Leah asked. She thought about all the rumors she had heard about him, about the drinking problem she wasn’t entirely sure he knew he had and her own trust issues with men.
Tanner lifted her hand and placed a delicate kiss on the tips of her fingers. “I’ve been ready since the moment I met you.”
Everything after that seemed to move in slow motion for Leah. He led her to the bedroom where they slowly peeled off every inch of each other’s clothing, his mouth barely leaving hers.
“Tanner.” The words came out of her mouth as more of a moan than anything else and together they fell on to the bed, and in to one another. Leah locked her arms around his neck as her lips crashed against his, eliciting a desperate moan from deep within his throat. He pushed into her, hard, and all Leah could think was that she had never felt this way about anyone else.
She had never wanted to memorize every inch of their body the way she did with his.
She had never wanted to etch the taste of them onto her tongue.
She had never given herself to anyone the way she was at that moment.
Locked in a blur of kisses, moans, hands and mouths, she lost all sense of place and time until with a loud cry she lost herself all around him and allowed her eyes to flutter closed.
She had done all she could to push away her feelings for Tanner, but in the end she knew there was no point. She was in love with him.
Chapter 16
Ever since he could remember Tanner ended his days in the same way: by sitting down at his laptop with a steaming cup of decaf coffee and writing. Whether or not he wrote, it was his ritual just to show up, no matter the time.
As he settled into the oversized leather armchair, his laptop nestled on his lap, he looked out over the dark North Pacific Ocean, realizing that his nights would never again be the same. His life would never be the same. Because one hundred feet away, tucked gracefully under the covers, lay Leah, fast asleep.
She was finally his.
__
“Tanner?”
“Mmmm.”
“Are you awake?”
With immense effort, Tanner rolled over to face her, rubbing at his eyes.
“What time is it?” He asked sleepily.
“4:30,” she said. “I’m sorry to wake you, I just… I couldn’t sleep.”
“What’s wrong?” His speech was slurred as he tried to rouse himself.
“Can I ask you a question?”
“Of course.”
“Do you really think I’m neurotic?” she asked.
Tanner allowed his eyes to flutter closed. “No,” he said. “I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”
Leah reached out and brushed her hand across his shoulder. “I’m not upset, really. It was just one of those moments where you kind of think, uh oh.”
Tanner propped himself up on his elbow. “What do you mean?”
“I
mean you hit a nerve,” she said. Where should she begin? “I was in love once, in College. We were very close and pretty much spent our entire time there crazy about each other, but never actually together. For the longest time I told myself that it was just bad timing, but I know now that it wasn’t that at all.”
She twisted her hair into a bunch and tossed it over her shoulder. “I was scared of being with him. Of being with anyone. And as you so elegantly pointed out, everyone has reasons for their neurosis.”
Leah shifted her body until she felt the cool wood of the headboard press up against her spine. Tanner followed suit.
“My mother broke my father’s heart,” Leah began. “She didn’t do it on purpose and she didn’t have a choice in the matter.”
She fought past the lump in her throat that begged for her to stop: to not say anymore.
“She was the love of his life and he was hers. They were perfect together. They laughed and cried and learned and grew together. They were best friends and soul mates. And then she got cancer. And before we had time to even register what that meant she was taken from us… from my father.”
Tanner reached out and placed his hand on top of hers.
“She broke his heart and he has never gotten over her… never forgiven her for leaving so soon. They had so much of their lives together left to live… so many plans.”
Leah’s heart pounded deep in her chest. “It broke him. And I realized that I could avoid every feeling that way.”
“By keeping everyone at arm’s length,” Tanner said. It was a statement more than anything.
“By never falling in love.”
It was no way to live, but who was he to judge how she wanted to live her life? Before meeting Leah, he had been just as closed off as she was. He could relate to how she felt.
If you never allow yourself to get close to anyone then you’re spared the pain of losing them.
After losing Manny, Tanner had stubbornly refused to let anyone in, a decision that up until that moment had seemed like the best decision he could have made. But now, looking into Leah’s eyes at that moment and sensing her vulnerability, it occurred to him that like her, he had been sorely missing out.
“I’m not going anywhere,” he said, tightening his grip on her hand. “And you can push me away or pull me close – that’s your prerogative – but I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”
Leah sighed, feeling her body visibly lighten. “You’re the first person who has made me feel as though it’s time to stop running.”
Tanner lifted her hands to his lips and kissed them gently, slowly. And as she squeezed his hands in return he hoped with all his heart that she would never let go.
Leah shifted closer to him and pressed her lips firmly again his, relishing in how right it felt being there with him having so long ago convinced herself that she would be better off without love… that she could fill that hole in other ways. Until Tanner had come along, she hadn’t even realized that there was a hole. But now she knew… she had needed him all along.
“Hey,” Tanner said, sleepily. “What ever happened to the College guy? You ever see him again?”
“Nah,” she said before she could think better of it, but Tanner had already drifted off to sleep.
__
Las Vegas was just as hot when they returned as when they had left for California and Leah caught herself thinking that she was grateful they had somewhere to get away to whenever the city became too much to handle.
What she really needed was a way to escape all the thoughts in her head.
Tanner, perhaps not wanting to test his luck any further than he already had, dropped her off at her apartment, claiming that he had some things to do and would call her later. Leah was grateful to be alone.
First, she unpacked, knowing from past experience that she hated waiting until the next day; there was something daunting and unsettling about waking up and looking over at a bursting suitcase. Once everything was where it should be she jumped into the shower, allowing the hot water to wash away the salt water from her skin.
She washed her hair and thought about Tanner, but out of the shower, towel drying her hair, her thoughts were on Sam.
What was she going to say to him? Tanner aside, she knew she still had feelings for him.
She dressed quickly and with her wet hair pulled into a loose bun at the top of her head, she was out the door and in her car heading towards the only person who could make sense of what she was feeling.
Leah rang the doorbell and then pushed open the door without waiting. Nathan barely looked up from the couch where he was crouched down playing with Ben.
“Hi,” he said. “Sure come right in!”
“Do you even live here?” she retorted, rolling her eyes playfully.
“Well, actually – ”
“I was being facetious.”
Leah rushed past him and into the kitchen where Lily stood pouring a cup of coffee. Lily poured a second cup without looking up and slid it across the counter. Leah took a grateful sip, feeling warmth spread through her.
“Thanks,” she said, following her sister into the living room where they joined the boys.
“What’s up Ben?” Leah asked, smiling at her nephew.
“Do you wanna play cars?”
“Maybe next time, okay?” she said, then turned to Lily. “I have to talk to you.”
Nathan grasped the side of the couch and pushed himself up onto his feet. “We’ll leave you two alone then.”
“No,” Leah said, holding up her hand, palm facing him. “No, stay if you would. A guys perspective might help.”
Nathan sank slowly back into the couch and watched with curiosity as Leah slid down into the armchair across from them.
Lily reached for the remote to silence the television. Ben moaned his discontent with his cartoons being turned off.
“I know buddy, I’ll make it quick. Play with your cars,” she said to him then turned her attention back to Lily and Nathan. “I saw Sam while I was in New York.”
Lily’s eyebrows lifted. “Oh my god.”
Nathan looked confused. “What? Who’s Sam?”
Lily looked over at him. “You know how everyone has that one person in their lives that they wanted to date but never had a chance to? you know, timing or something else was always working against them? Sam was Leah’s person.”
“Ah.”
“So… what happened?”
“Not much. I mean we had an early lunch and caught up. It was like nothing had really changed. We were still those two young College kids who thought we had it all figured out.”
Lily had the vague memory of meeting Sam one summer but all she could recall was what Leah had said about him over the years.
“How did you two even meet up? Did you run into each other or something?”
“No,” she said, shaking her head. “He texted me before my trip asking to get together.”
“What about Tanner?” Nathan asked. By the look on Lily’s face he deduced that it was the wrong question to have asked. “Sorry,” he muttered.
Leah sighed heavily. “I feel like the biggest piece of crap; I mean Tanner and I were not exclusive so I’ve really done nothing wrong. But now that we’re together it feels like—”
“Wait, what? You and Tanner are together? As in… boyfriend and girlfriend?”
“God Lily, you always have to label everything. Aren’t we a little old for the whole boyfriend-girlfriend thing? I mean… what do you two refer to each other as?”
“Boyfriend,” Lily said at the same time that Nathan said “girlfriend.”
“Well, damn.”
“Okay well, you don’t like labels. Okay. But you two are together for real? When did that happen?”
Leah nodded quickly. “Just this weekend in Santa Barbara.”
“So if you saw Sam before you two were exclusive, why is it upsetting you now?” Nathan asked.
If they weren’t together when she had
lunch with the guy, what did it matter? he thought.
“Sam isn’t just some guy she had an innocent lunch with. She was in love with him for four years, maybe even longer,” Lily said, as though Nathan should have known.
Nathan decided it was best to just keep quiet unless directly spoken to.
“It gets worse. Tanner asked if I had seen Sam since we graduated. I said no.”
Lily grimaced but kept her thoughts to herself. “ I see.”
“Sam wants to give us a go, Lil.”
Lily’s eyebrows jumped up into her forehead again. “Oh my god! What did you say?”
“I didn’t answer him. He told me to think about it.”
“And then what happened?”
“Then he kissed me goodbye.”
“Wait!” Lily exclaimed. “What kind of kiss are we talking about?”
“It was sweet,” Leah said. “Soft and gentle. It was exactly what I imagined kissing him would feel like.”
“And then what? That was it? You went your separate ways?”
“Yeah.”
Lily lifted her legs off the floor and tucked them against her chest. The look on her face seemed to make Nathan think that she was reminiscing on something from her past. It made him feel oddly jealous but he kept quiet.
“Have you spoken to Sam since you got back from New York?”
“No, but not for lack of trying on his part.”
“Why are you avoiding telling him that you’re with someone now?”
Leah hadn’t quite worked out an answer to that herself.
“That’s what I don’t know.” She was quiet for a few moments as she thought.
Ben ran around in circles between them, playing with his hot wheels cars. Clearly he had gotten over the cartoons being shut off.
“This is what I want, Lil. Tanner is what I want. And it took me a long time to get to this point. After Sam… after mom and dad… and you and Thomas…”