“That thing has a name.”
“I know. Which one is he again?”
“Michelangelo.” Eric had given the turtle and the custom terrarium to her two years ago for her thirtieth birthday, because he knew she loved turtles. It was the sweetest thing anyone had ever done for her. Unfortunately, as much as she loved the little guy, he was a permanent reminder of Eric right in her living room.
Natalie chuckled and scratched at the mesh while the turtle hobble-ran over to her side. “The loud, flashy one who always wants attention. Just like the man who gave it to you. I should remember that.” She frowned and gave Kelsey a sideways glance. “Is this thing even safe?”
“We’ve had this discussion. He doesn’t have teeth.”
“No, I mean with you pregnant and all.”
“It’s fine,” Kelsey assured her. She’d done more than her fair share of research after her miscarriage, wondering if she’d done something wrong. As much as she loved this guy, she wouldn’t put herself at risk again if it was a concern. “He just has to stay in his cage now, and I wear disposable gloves to clean it and wash my hands a bunch. I was already careful about that anyway. No one likes salmonella.”
Later, she might have to figure out how to keep things safe with a toddler running around, but that was a potential problem for Future Kelsey. She had enough current problems on her plate for now.
“Salmonella?” Natalie shrieked.
“It’s fine.” Kelsey handed Natalie a video controller. “Are we doing this or what?”
Natalie gave her a concerned look, but took the controller. They chose their players and weapons, then jumped right in, furiously taking out their day’s frustrations on the controller buttons and the imaginary creatures on the screen.
“So, no Shane either tonight?” Kelsey asked during the break between levels.
“Does he look attached to my hip?”
Kelsey leaned back on the couch to examine Natalie from behind. “Nope. You’re right.”
“Pfft,” Natalie said. “You know me better than that.”
“I also know how much you like Shane. Despite all your protesting.”
“Yeah, I do. We hung out yesterday. We’re good. I promise. Taking things slow.” She frowned. “Still feels too fast for me some days, but he’s fine when I take a step back. Which pisses me off.”
“Why would that piss you off?”
“Because it makes me not want to take things slow.”
Kelsey laughed. “Fair enough.”
The game started up again. Once Kelsey was unfairly distracted, Natalie asked, “So how was Friday night?”
“Fine.”
“Just fine?” Natalie hit pause on the game, then flicked a balled-up piece of paper across the center couch cushion. “Oh yeah. Totally looks fine.”
“It’s fine.”
“We’ve discussed how much you suck at lying,” Natalie said. “Seriously, it’s not your thing.”
Kelsey batted the ball of crappy, discarded lyrics back toward Natalie. “Clearly I don’t know what my thing is anymore. I’m gonna call Robin and tell her I can’t do this.”
“You’ll get it. I know you will. But that’s not what I meant when I asked about Friday night.”
“I know what you meant,” said Kelsey. “That was fine, too.”
“Lies.”
“Yeah.”
Natalie turned to face Kelsey on the couch. “Did you tell him?”
“No.” Kelsey recoiled and shook her head adamantly. “Not yet. I told you why.”
“Yeah, I know. Just checking.” She studied Kelsey’s face. “So it was just awkward then? Oh God, did he talk about what’s-her-face?”
“No.” Kelsey held up a finger. “Wait, yes.”
“Ugh.”
“No, not like that,” Kelsey said. “They broke up.”
“That’s…good?” Natalie raised her voice in a question, clearly testing Kelsey’s reaction to the news.
“No, not good.” She took a deep breath, running her thumb over the buttons on the controller still in her hand. “He wants to try again. Us.”
“Oh,” Natalie said. She processed the information, then repeated, “Oh!”
“Do not get excited here. This changes nothing.”
“What do you mean? This changes everything.”
Kelsey shook her head adamantly. “He might think it does, but not for me. It doesn’t change the past, and it doesn’t change the fact that I will never be enough for him.”
All the hookups while they were broken up—the women he dated, the men he slept with—didn’t mean anything to her. His biggest mistake with those, in her mind, was that he could have been a little more discreet about them around her. Watching him make plans to hook up with people after their gigs had been an icy knife to her heart every time.
But he’d had every right to do whatever he wanted while they weren’t together. The thing that had bothered her the most was how easy it had been for him to walk away in the first place.
“Isn’t that what he’s trying to tell you, though?” Natalie said. “That he wants to try again, that you are what he wants?”
“Sure. But that’s not enough. Not for him. And not for me.”
Natalie sighed. “I don’t get it. You two belong together. You both love each other. You want to be together.” She cut off Kelsey when she opened her mouth to object. “Yes, I know you don’t want to get hurt again. But you do love him and want to be with him. Right?”
Kelsey closed her mouth and nodded. More than anything.
No, that wasn’t true.
More than anything, she wanted to stop hurting. To feel safe and secure with someone. To feel like she was wanted.
Natalie reached beside her and handed Kelsey the grocery bag she’d brought with her. She pulled out the package of sour straws and tossed it in Kelsey’s lap. “Here, maybe some sugar will help your answer.”
Kelsey ripped open the package appreciatively. She didn’t have much of a sweet tooth, but she couldn’t resist a sour treat. Especially lately.
She froze.
Sugar. That was it.
She dropped the package in her lap and snatched her notebook. She scribbled furiously, desperate to get the thoughts down before they disappeared.
When she got everything out of her head and into the notebook, she put it down again. “Sorry. Got an idea for the first verse I was stuck on.”
Natalie nodded. “I figured it was something to do with that.” She paused. “So the songwriting is going okay? You guys working well together?”
“Yeah. On both.” Working well together had never been a problem. It also wasn’t going to be the answer to their problems.
“So where do you guys go from here?” Natalie asked. “I mean, now that he wants to try again. Maybe you should tell him?” That lift in her voice again. The hopeful tilt in pitch.
“Plan is still the same. In fact, it makes it more important that I don’t tell him.”
Natalie tilted her head in confusion. “Why? I thought you were keeping quiet because of the girlfriend and all that. I mean, I know you’re scared about what could happen, but if he’s willing to be by your side through it…”
“That’s just it,” Kelsey argued. “I know he’ll be by my side if I tell him about the pregnancy.” Him and his moral fucking code. Eric had been raised by a gigantic family of God-fearing folks. They’d found a way to blend his religious beliefs and upbringing with her personal brand of skeptically inclusive spiritualism, but from the moment she’d brought up the pregnancy last time, everything shifted into this new high gear with him. “I don’t want to be an obligation. I don’t want him with me because of the pregnancy.”
“But Kel, isn’t he telling you he wants to be with you now, even though he doesn’t know about the pregnancy?”
“Sure, he says that. But I don’t believe it. Not really. I believe he’s sincere, but I don’t know if he’s being honest with himself.” She sighed heavily. “I’m afraid
it’s just his guilt talking. And that will all be muddied even more if he finds out I’m pregnant. Then I’ll never know the truth. I’ll never know if he really wants to be with me, or if he wants the whole package with a side of absolution.”
Natalie frowned, but nodded. “So what are you going to tell him? You know he isn’t just going to let this go. At least not until he gets a straight answer from you.”
She was right. Kelsey couldn’t avoid his texts and questions forever.
“You should call him. Tell him you aren’t ready to commit to anything yet. He just got out of a relationship and you aren’t a rebound. Blah, blah, blah, that stuff.”
Kelsey glanced at the clock on the wall. “I can’t yet. He’s at his mom’s.”
“And you know this because you’re psychic?”
“I know this because he’s at his mom’s every Sunday. Church, then lunch and family. Every week.”
As if he could hear them discussing his future, Eric’s name flashed on Kelsey’s muted phone.
Natalie whistled. “Damn, he’s good. Or at least his timing is spot-fucking-on.”
Kelsey stared at the phone vibrating in her hand. She should answer it. Maybe. She still didn’t know what to say. But Natalie was right. He would call and text until they talked this out. And she owed him…something. The truth. Or a truth, if not all of it.
“Hey.” She could hear the hesitance in her voice, despite trying to make her greeting sound casual and carefree.
“Hey.” His own voice was shakier than hers. It sounded odd coming from Eric. “Got a sec?”
She looked at Natalie. “Yeah, what’s up?”
“I just…I’m sorry about Friday night. I shouldn’t have—”
“It’s fine,” Kelsey blurted out. She was using that word a lot lately. The more unfine things got, the more she tried to convince herself and everyone else that they were fine. “I mean, it’s okay. I’m okay. We’re okay?”
“Are we?”
They were both silent. What did that mean? So many things. And there were so many factors Eric didn’t know about yet. How could they be okay?
She glanced at Natalie again for a boost of support. “Eric, I’m not sure what to say. How I feel about all of that.”
“No, I get it.” His voice was rough and choppy, lacking the smooth, melodic tone it usually had. “I shouldn’t have kissed you. No matter how much I wanted to, I pushed too fast. I dumped a lot on you and didn’t give you time to process it.”
“Thanks. For understanding, I mean. And I am. Still processing.”
“I get it.”
“And you…you just broke up with someone,” Kelsey said, while Natalie gave her a nod of encouragement. “I think you might need some time to process, too.”
There was a long silence. “I don’t think you know just how long I have been processing this. But I get that it seems sudden to you.” He took in a loud breath. “I just want you to know this isn’t me being impulsive or rebounding or anything. I’ve been thinking about this—you, us—for a long time. I don’t think I ever stopped thinking about us.”
“Eric—”
“But I can give you all the space and time you need.”
Kelsey took a breath and relaxed. Time. She needed time. “Thank you.”
“Well, maybe not all the space. We still need to work on that song.”
Her stomach clenched. “Right. I was actually making notes just now. Or trying to, at least.”
“That’s the other reason I was calling,” he said. “When do you want to meet again? Next Friday?”
Something about another Friday not-a-date session felt weird to her, but she wasn’t sure how to explain that. “Well, that would be Thursday rehearsal, then Friday writing, then Saturday gig all in a row.”
“Or we could work for like an hour or whatever after the gig Saturday?”
She relaxed. “That sounds good. Yeah, can we do that?”
“Sure. Absolutely.” Another awkward pause stretched through the call. After what felt like an eternity, Eric said, “Well, I’d better get back in there before Aunt Yvette comes looking for me.”
“You hiding in your mom’s sewing room again?”
“You know it.”
Her mind flashed an image of him smiling back at her, and she couldn’t help smiling despite herself.
“Okay, well, I’ll see you at rehearsal.” Kelsey placed the phone on the couch beside her and stared off at nothing in particular.
“Well?” Natalie’s voice cut through her train of thought. She’d almost forgotten her friend was sitting right there. “That sounded…okay?”
Kelsey nodded. “Yeah, I guess.”
“Bought yourself some time at least.”
“Yup.” Kelsey was still staring at the phone. She wanted to hear his voice again. To call him back. To see him again before Thursday. Four whole days away.
But that would be a mistake. A huge, terrible mistake.
She already had no idea how she would handle Thursday. And the gig. And now hanging out with him after that.
Not to mention the emotional roller coaster of writing this song.
She sure didn’t need to add more emotional complication to her plate.
Kelsey shook her head and grounded herself back in reality. She grabbed her controller from Natalie and said, “I believe we were killing things?”
Chapter Five
Eric stood to the side of the short platform that served as a makeshift stage for the band and adjusted his Panama hat to wipe a bit of sweat from his forehead. He’d spent the last break making his rounds—smiling at guests, smooth-talking hosts, and playing the part of the delightful paid entertainer. He and Robin were usually responsible for making contacts, handing out cards, and drumming up more business. Depending on the gig and the crowd, he generally enjoyed his role at these things. He was always happy to meet new people, and he was good at this kind of marketing. God help them all if the role ever fell on Nat’s shoulders.
Since he’d shaken hands with everyone already, he and Lauren were spending this last break drinking water and chatting. They’d discovered that her boyfriend’s former roommate, Darren, was a guy Eric had graduated high school with, and Eric was catching up on what Darren was up to now and getting to know Lauren a little better. She was so quiet, it was easy for her to get lost in the band sometimes. Especially when Eric had been so preoccupied lately with another band member.
He was listening to Lauren, trying to give her his full attention, but his eyes kept drifting to catch glimpses of Kelsey, who stood in a tight pair of faded jeans near the ice chests with Natalie. She looked good today. A little red-faced even though the stage was shaded, but it seemed like the fresh air was agreeing with her. She was smiling and laughing with Natalie as she held her dark hair in a twist with one hand above her neck. He wished he was a little closer so he could hear that low, throaty laugh of hers for himself. Even better, so he could be the one making her laugh.
He’d hardly spoken to Kelsey all day, and she’d shown up late to rehearsal earlier that week. He was usually the last one to get there, because his last lesson ended late on Thursdays and the drive to Robin’s place from the music school took almost forty-five minutes. But last night, Kelsey got there even later than he did. No explanation, just an apology. And she ran out the second they wrapped up. Didn’t even wait to walk out with Natalie or Lauren. She just bailed. If he hadn’t known better, he’d have thought she was avoiding him.
Or maybe that’s exactly what she was doing. It was what he deserved.
Still, he couldn’t live with the what-if for the rest of his life. He had to find out if there was one last chance for them. Maybe he’d blown that chance a long time ago, but he had to know for sure. And they weren’t going to get anywhere with all of this tension between them.
A breeze pushed the aroma of boiling spices over to where they stood, and Eric smiled as Lauren took in a loud, deep breath to inhale them. Cayenne. Garlic and on
ion. Bay leaves. That hint of clove and coriander. His mouth watered with the promise of a spicy free lunch as part of their payment once they finished this last set.
Antsy to get on with this gig and the rest of his plans, he looked around for their intrepid leader. Robin stood near the big boiling pot talking to the guy who’d hired them. Although that wasn’t a fair description. This was a guy Robin had known for years, and Robin had some sort of weird in-law relationship to him that Eric wasn’t entirely clear on, but also one that he got the feeling he wasn’t supposed to ask about either.
Eric caught her eye and tapped his wrist at his imaginary watch. She nodded, then waved at Kelsey and Natalie and walked back toward the stage.
“Ready?” Robin asked Eric and Lauren.
“Sure thing,” Lauren said. “I’m starving.”
“Me too, Sugar Bee.” Robin turned to Eric. “Let’s drive this puppy home and get some grub!”
“Amen to that,” he said.
* * * * *
A couple hours later, the band got up from their folding chairs and started the less fun part of their job: packing up. Eric stuffed his bass in its gig bag and zipped it shut. He rested it gently on the ground, then steeled his nerves as he turned to Kelsey.
“Can I help you tear down?”
Her eyes flared with panic, but a second later she pasted on a cheerful smile. He knew the difference between a genuine smile and a fake one by now. Forced, at the very least.
He vowed to earn a genuine one from her again. One day.
“You in a hurry to see my crappy lyrics?” she asked.
His fingers went to work unscrewing the top of a cymbal stand. “You and I both know they aren’t crappy.”
“You haven’t seen them yet.”
“I don’t have to. You’ve never written a crappy word or note as long as I’ve known you.”
He unscrewed the stand amid the awkward silence and stared at the cymbal, afraid to look at Kelsey. Afraid of her reaction, which was probably a combination of lingering past disappointment and future fears. If he looked at her, if he saw even a glimpse of that, he’d never go through with what he had planned today. What he was pretty sure they both needed. What their friendship needed. And their friendship was the most important thing now. As much as he wanted something more with her, he needed her to be comfortable with him again. He needed to earn her trust and friendship again. Nothing else would ever work if they couldn’t even get to that point.
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