“But they are,” I said reaching my hand forward to caress the stubble on his cheek. “Hell, even the village people had a police officer.”
He laughed a little at my joke but I could see the worry deep behind his eyes.
I began again. “Listen, gay doesn’t choose a profession. There are men that prefer men everywhere, you just haven’t noticed. You’re a person, just like anyone, you just happen to like being with a man instead of a woman. Don’t be ashamed. Don’t let society teach you to feel badly about yourself. You’re here now, with me. I want you, you want me. Things will work out. You have nothing to fear,” I said as I leaned forward to kiss his nose. “Be here with me now,” I whispered against his lips.
“Ok,” he whispered as he kissed me back.
I pushed him back onto his back and began my lazy tongue-slicked stroll back down his body. He groaned and placed his hand on the back of my head, his fingers twining through my hair. I bit the inside of his thighs and then worked my way back to his center. I licked his entire length a couple of times and then kissed his shaft hungrily until he was squirming beneath my touch.
“Oh god,” he groaned as he bucked his hips involuntarily.
I took him in my mouth and sucked him as far back as I could. My right hand wrapped around his and together with my tongue and my mouth they moved in a single movement to work his entire length. It didn’t take long, less than a minute before he was telling me he was going to cum.
“Wait, stop!” he begged. “I don’t want to cum already.”
But I didn’t listen and I continued to suck him until he was moaning loudly and filling my mouth with everything he had to give.
“Oh god,” he cried out as he let lose another stream. His hands gripped the sheets tightly and I could feel his cock pulsing in my mouth. I swallowed everything I could and then sat up with a smile. “Holy shit,” he breathed as he worked to catch his breath.
“I’m glad you liked it,” I said with a smile.
“That doesn’t even begin to cover what I thought of it.”
“Good,” I replied as I slid my body down beside his.
“I’m sorry,” he said as he ventured to touch my hand as it splayed across his torso. He intertwined his fingers with mine and squeezed. It was a soothing and reassuring gesture. It felt like a closeness I’d never experienced before. It was calm, and safe, and peaceful. It felt good.
“Why are you sorry?” I asked.
“I didn’t, I thought…I thought I would last longer.”
“We have plenty of time,” I said as I snuggled up against his body, my head falling to his chest. He used his free hand to stroke my back. An intensely loving gesture I squeezed him as tightly as I could, his hand still holding mine, and I felt myself completely satisfied. Even without my own sexual release, I felt…happy.
“What are we going to do?” he asked his fingers gliding once more down my back, his fingertips barely touching my skin.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, I’m a cop, you’re a criminal. This can’t possibly work.”
“You know, not everyone knows I’m a thief. It’s only a problem when I get caught.”
“Which you did, today, by me.”
“And look how great that turned out,” I teased.
“I’m being serious,” he said growing stern.
“Look, we can’t dictate the future. We don’t know what will come. All I know is that I like you and that I’ve never felt this way with anyone else. We can choose to be afraid and end it now or we can be brave and just let life lead us where it may,” I said as I lightly kissed his chest. “Don’t be so afraid,” I continued as I laid my head back down.
“I can’t help it,” he said. I could feel hear his heart pounding.
“It’s ok, I don’t mind being your sexy secret.”
We spent the next two hours in bed kissing and enjoying each other’s company. Discussing the past was a heavy topic and we wondered what had become of all of our old friends. But mostly we just caressed and gently touched one another. Not the hungry desperate touches of a man wanting to get to the main attraction. While the thought was exciting and thrilling, I mostly just wanted to learn every inch of his body and I chose to do so with my fingertips and my mouth. These touches didn’t lead to anything else sexual but instead forged a bond that I could never wish to explain in words. I felt closer to him in those moments than I ever felt with anyone else. I could feel myself changing and growing. I could feel myself desiring to be someone different just for him so that we could have a real chance of working out. I don’t know if he saw it, I think he mustn’t have because when he left, he left for what felt like for good.
I could see the look on his face when he exited my place. He had a new sadness about him. Not just the sadness of a lover desperately wanting to stay but having to go, there was a darkness that ran deeper than that and I felt my own heart sink when he turned and walked away. We’d exchanged number and kisses but deep down I wondered if I would ever see him again. When I kissed him the last time I begged him to stay, but I knew that he wouldn’t, and he knew that he couldn’t. Our lips parted and it felt like we’d suddenly opened up a chasm the size of the Grand Canyon and I wondered how we were ever going to jump it. The further he walked the wider the gap became until it appeared insurmountable.
“I’ll miss you,” I whispered to the empty night and with tears in my eyes I closed my front door.
Chris
I hadn’t expected to have the connection with Matt that I’d had. Sure, going in I knew that I was attracted to him and that I felt something beyond just a physical compulsion to be with him, but I wasn’t prepared for the way we clicked. I thought I would show up at his place, that we’d have a nice time, we’d both get off, and he’d teach me a thing or two and that would be it. I didn’t expect to miss him. I didn’t expect to want to continue seeing him.
I left his place that night feeling enamored, lost, confused, and absolutely terrified by all of these feelings. Each step I took had me moving farther away from him and all I wanted to do was run right back into his arms. To fling his door back open and crawl back into his warm and comfortable bed. I fought every single one of my urges and it hurt. It was one of the most painful things I’d ever done just walking away from him. My heart ached, my muscles felt like jelly, my eyes stung. I couldn’t bear to look back at him so I kept my back turned and I kept walking until I was standing at the door of my car wondering what the fuck I was doing to myself. How had I let this happen?
Everything about the situation was complex. I wanted to be with him, but I’m a cop, and he was a criminal I had needed to arrest earlier in the day. He was an old friend, now a lover, but everything was wrong except the way that we felt about one another, that was the only thing that felt right. But how was I ever going to reconcile who he was with my own life’s work and ambition? I’d fought for years to get to where I finally was and now this wrench was being thrown in the mix and it could take everything away from me. Then there was Matt, the real Matt, the Matt I had lain with. The Matt that had stolen my heart in an instant when I wasn’t looking.
In my car, driving back to my own apartment I remember thinking back on his body. When he was clothed I had imagined that he was perfect. That beneath his shirt and his heavy Dickies work pants that he was toned and the perfect image of a man, but the more we’d lain together the more I realized my original assessment wasn’t correct and that I liked him even more for it. He had scars, and imperfections, a slight stomach where his groin met his hip, not much but enough that he wasn’t the man with the perfect six pack. There was a slight bulge at his hip where I knew he’d one day have a love handle. There was only a small sprinkling of chest hair in the very center of his chest and I’d always imagined I would prefer a man with more, but I liked the way my fingers could count the individual hairs in the span of a few seconds. His eyes were beautiful. I couldn’t decide if they were blue or green, they seemed to m
orph between the shades and appeared mostly jade and they entranced me whenever I looked too long. His imperfections made him perfect to me, and they made me feel more comfortable with my own imperfect body. I looked at him and I felt as if I was meant to be there, but in the darkness, in my car, my doubts sank back in.
I wanted nothing more than to be with him, to throw all caution to the wind and lie with him in that bed forever, but that isn’t reality. Reality is harsh and horrible and we don’t always get the things we want. People have to make decisions; we have to make the reasonable choice. I had worked long and hard to become and officer and despite my feelings for Matt, I couldn’t put that on the line. I couldn’t risk my job simply because my heart was torn. I knew within minutes of driving away that I couldn’t see him again and I cried. I balled like a baby. It hurt so much I thought I might have to pull over and hold my stomach as the tears cascaded down my face. I couldn’t tell him. I couldn’t bear the thought of telling him so I took the torn piece of paper with his phone number on it and stuck it up in my visor where I was certain to forget about it forever. I should have thrown it away but that felt too permanent so instead I hid it from myself and over the next few weeks I continued my regular life.
The beginning of each day felt like stabbing myself, but as I arose from bed, put on my uniform and became busy with the rest of the day, life started to feel normal. I would miss him less when I was busy. If I could stay focused on my work then I could almost pretend he didn’t exist, that he wasn’t occupying a corner of all of my thought, that I wasn’t aware that he was out there and I could see him if only I’d been a stronger, braver man.
Work went well. My superiors were pleased with my learning and progression. They often commented that I caught on quickly which made me feel proud. I longed to share this sense of accomplishment with someone but there was no one but me each night when I went home. I’d sit on my couch, turn on the TV, and have a beer – alone. It may seem common sense, but being alone was lonely. Loneliest when you were acutely aware that you could be with someone else and you’re actively choosing not to be. Every evening I would hope that the next day would get easier, and then the next until Matt was nothing but a smudge in the distance, one I’d have to squint hard at to recognize. I wondered how long that could take. Could a single night take a year, years even?
I was doing ok, moving along, coping the best that I could until I ran into him at the grocery store. It felt strange to catch him somewhere ordinary. In my mind I had him painted as this criminal of the underworld. I envisioned him skulking around in the shadows in all black or dark gray, a hood pulled up over his head as he skittered from one darkened corner to the next. Maybe slightly ninja like. Then there he was, a small red handbasket in his hand. I glanced at the basked and noticed a single steak, a corn, a couple of potatoes, and an imported beer. The meal of a single man.
I thought about rushing away and hiding, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it and I knew he’d already seen me. The second he spotted me, his face rose and his eyes fell on mine, it was as if an electrical jolt shot through every vein in my body. I felt frozen in place and terrified and elated all at once. Will he hate me now? my mind fretted.
I only had to worry for a split-second because he immediately started walking towards me, his arm outstretched. When he was about two feet away he suddenly noticed his gesture and dropped his arm, a hurt look on his face.
“Hi,” I said knowing the words were inadequate but not knowing what else to say.
“Hi,” he answered back, the sadness still emblazoned across his face.
Neither of us said anything for a moment and then he continued.
“I want you to know I got a job. A real job. I thought you would call me sometime and I knew I wanted to be a better man for you. I knew I couldn’t continue on the way I had been, so, yeah, I got a job.”
“That’s fantastic!” I replied trying to contain my enthusiasm. Could this solve all of our problems?
“It’s not a good one,” he said looking embarrassed. “Having never held a real job before I could only get low wage menial stuff, but I figure it’s a start.”
“It’s wonderful,” I said reaching out with my own hand to touch his arm gently. I wanted to hug him, to embrace him and never let him go but he seemed wary of me now. I think we could both tell that the pull between us was still there, but I’d ruined it by staying distant, by never calling. “I’m sorry,” I managed.
“It’s ok,” he said. “Not like we both expected anything of it anyway. Just a deal after all, right?”
“No…,” I said feeling my own sadness growing. “It was more than that and we both know it.”
“Maybe you know it. I’m the one that never got another call. Its ok, I understand. We are…were from different worlds. I tried to fix that but it was too late. Hey, look, I gotta get going. It was nice seeing you again,” he said in a rush just before turning away.
“Wait. Don’t go yet,” I said grabbing hold of his elbow.
“I have to.” He jerked his elbow away and walked to the checkout stands. Just like that I knew I had been stupid. I should have fought harder for what we’d felt and instead I let it drift away like seafoam from the beach.
Matt
I don’t know what I thought was going to happen. I guess I thought he would call me. I expected to hear from Chris right away. Deep down I knew he had felt everything I had felt but with each new day that passed I began to think maybe I had imagined it all. In my fear and my worry, I realized how tough things would be for us if he did call and I kept my lifestyle. How could I ever expect a cop to be with a petty thief? It would be like trying to mix oil and water. I knew the problem was me. Being a cop is a respectable position, being a crook, not so much.
In my hopes that he would call me, I started to search for a job. I wanted a position I could be proud of, a good job, but my experience was extremely limited and in a skill set that few employers would deem valuable. In fact, if they knew how I’d been living it would be a flat no, I’d never get hired anywhere.
I did what I could to create a solid looking resume and I handed it out everywhere but the only calls I received were for low paying entry level positions. It became clear quite quickly that I was going to have to start from the bottom. I felt ashamed to take the job at a local car wash, busting my ass washing people’s dirty cars all day, but I knew if I wanted Chris that I would have to work through my frustration until I managed to find a better work environment. Either way, I thought he would be proud of the change and that made me feel good – until he never called.
I thought I was just going to run to the grocery store for dinner. It had never occurred to me that I might run into Chris somewhere. In my mind it was as if we might as well have been living on different planets. Mine was set in the wrong side of town, living on the bad side of the railroad tracks. I imagined him living in the nicer area where you didn’t have to worry about your car getting broken into every night. I pictured him in a bed made up of white linens and bright sunshine. My life felt damp and broken compared to the pristine world I imagined him in. I never thought we’d go to the same grocery store.
I held my handbasket tight to keep from shaking when I noticed him. I tried to remain calm and collected, I didn’t want him to see how he was affecting me. He had blown me off and he didn’t deserve to see my nerves now. I wanted to walk away. I wanted to be strong and pretend I hadn’t even seen him, but I couldn’t do it. The moment I saw him my heart thawed and all I could think about was how much I’d missed him.
I wanted to say so much to him but I couldn’t open myself up. It all still hurt too much. He was nice enough and I could tell it hadn’t been easy for him either, but he was the one that had made the decision to keep us apart and he’d never said a word to me about it so anything he suffered was his own doing and I refused to let that get to me. I wouldn’t let him make me weak. I said a few things to him and then excused myself.
Seeing hi
m had simultaneously made and ruined the rest of my week. I couldn’t focus, work was a slog, I’d lost all sense of hunger. Everything in my life felt dull and pointless and just doing the bare minimum was difficult. I missed him. Achingly so, and I wasn’t prepared when he showed up at my door a week and a half later.
It was about 9:00 at night and I was sitting in front of the television with a bit of cheap take out. I wasn’t expecting a knock at the door and I almost dropped the plate in my hands when the banging shocked me. I set the plate down and walked to the door. I’d have glanced through the peephole if my door had one. I was forced to open the door blind and I physically stumbled backwards when I saw who was standing there. Chris in his perfect uniform looking like his mother had died.
Catching myself I managed to form the words, “Are you ok?” as I reached my hand out to him and took him by the elbow. He didn’t say a word as he stepped into my apartment and allowed me to guide him to the couch. I watched him for several minutes while he sat there looking dumbfounded. I stroked his hand and did my best to console him.
Eventually he spoke, “I’m sorry, I didn’t have anywhere else to go, and you were the only person I found myself wanting to speak to.”
“It’s ok,” I said as I rubbed his back. “Do you want to tell me what’s wrong?”
“Work. They’ve…I don’t even know how, but somehow, someone found out I’m gay, and now everyone is giving me shit and I don’t know what to do about it because they’re not even wrong. I knew it. I knew I would never be accepted if they found out.”
“Alright, well…finding out isn’t the end of the world. I think what is causing the problem is your reaction. I have known plenty of gay police officers, and firemen, and pretty much any other profession you can think of. You’re not the first, you’re not going to be the last. Remember during your training? It’s like a giant frat. Those guys like to pick on the ones that react. If you just own up to it and act like you’re out and proud, then they’ll stop. They’re giving you shit because they can tell it’s getting under your skin.”
You May Have Met Him Page 36