I bit my lip and fidgeted nervously. I couldn’t stop thinking about what we’d done. I couldn’t remember coming that hard with his mouth on me before. The experience had been intense, but I knew where it was taking us.
Blake caught my chin, forcing my eyes on him. “What’s going on?”
“Nothing. You’re just… You’re preoccupied with...that.”
“Am I? I want full access to your body, including your ass. I want you everywhere in every conceivable way.”
The more I tried to avoid his eyes, the more intently they bore into me.
“Erica... Mark didn’t—”
“No,” I answered quickly, eager to shut off the topic. “That’s not it.”
“Then what is it? Something makes you uncomfortable about it. Your body tenses up, and that doesn’t happen with us. There’s something you’re not telling me.”
“Do you want to discuss our sexual histories, Blake? I thought you wanted to keep the past in the past.”
He released a heavy sigh and stared out to the lake. “I need to know your limits and why you have them. I’m going to be your husband—”
“If you’re going to be my husband, you should talk to me and not keep things hidden.”
He was silent, and I knew I was walking a fine line with him once more.
“Blake, this trip wasn’t about my birthday. It’s been so wonderful, but so much of it has been about facing parts of my past that I’d put away a long time ago. Seeing Elliot... I’m glad we did it, but I knew coming here would dredge up old memories, things that hurt. And I’m facing them.”
“Are you implying that I’m not?”
“Do you think you are?”
“If this is about what Sophia said, there’s nothing there that’s worth talking about.”
“Was she the only serious relationship you had before me?”
He cursed, staring out at the lake. “I messed around before I met her. I was young. I started to grow up and thought I should try to get serious for once. We met through a mutual friend.” He drew circles into the soft sand. “I guess you could say we found a common interest, and I gave it a try with her.”
“And after her?”
“I messed around some more. But it was different.”
“How?”
He hesitated, shaking his head almost imperceptibly. “Until you, I never wanted another relationship.”
The finality of the words made me think the subject had been closed once again. As if someone had opened a door to let in some air and quickly shut it, leaving the space between us stifled and tense again. But at least he’d opened it. As much as I didn’t want to explain my reservations, I figured the best way to get him to keep opening up was to set the example.
I fidgeted with my watch, messing with the delicate joints of the band. “I was the same way.”
He looked at me, questioning me with his eyes.
“Before Mark, well...there was nothing before him. I was a virgin. I was messed up for a while after that. But as time wore on, I pushed past it. I couldn’t let the rape rule my life, and I decided I couldn’t swear off men and sex forever, as much as I may have wanted to sometimes. But everything was...emotionless, I guess. It was hard enough for me to get past the physical triggers. I couldn’t bring myself to go any deeper and fall for someone.”
I winced, not liking the memories that came up. I didn’t like the way it sounded when I said everything out loud either. I sounded like a damaged, cold-hearted tramp. “They weren’t all one-nighters. I mean, I dated people, but nothing was ever serious. I never gave anyone a chance to break my heart. I’d already been broken so badly.”
He reached up and tucked my hair behind my ear. Fine strands blew in the wind across my cheeks. I inhaled the cool air into my lungs, exhaling the memories that flashed through me.
“So tell me what bothers you so much about anal play. What happened?”
I sighed, feeling anxious suddenly. “I was seeing someone for a little while. I’d had a few beers, I’d agreed to let him...do more. Fuck, you don’t want to hear this, do you?”
He reached for my hand and held it in his lap, drawing gentles lines over my skin with his fingertips. “No, but I want you to tell me.”
I shook my head listlessly. “He hurt me.”
He stopped his caresses, his eyes fixed on me protectively.
“I don’t think he meant to. It wasn’t like with Mark, but he came before I could get him to stop. I don’t really blame him. I guess he was just being an idiot guy, thinking with his...well, whatever. There was something about it that was a little too close to what I’d been through. He never knew why, but I never called him back. And I’ve never done that since.”
“You know I would never hurt you.”
My heart twisted at the sweet, softly spoken words. “I know you wouldn’t. I just have a hard time imagining that I could enjoy it when it was so not enjoyable.”
“You would enjoy it.”
My face grew warm, and I was grateful for the darkness. I didn’t want him to know just yet that I would let him do anything, push me past any limit, including that one. I didn’t want to admit tonight that sometimes the things I was most afraid of turned me on as much as they terrified me.
We made love that night. Despite the emotions that had come to the surface between us, we didn’t ravage each other the way we’d done so many times before. We didn’t talk about our past. We barely said anything, only our names on each other’s lips.
Maybe he wanted to remind me that it could be that way between us. Maybe he didn’t realize that I already trusted him implicitly with my body, and the slow, passionate way he loved me was proof that he could be whatever I needed, whenever I needed it.
Blake’s eyes never left mine, and when he came, the look there destroyed me. I could see into his soul, and what I saw shattered through me.
CHAPTER SEVEN
I returned to work on Monday morning, oddly refreshed considering the hours of travel. I caught up on the email that had built up over the weekend and registered a surprising sense of peace. The weekend had been emotionally intense, but cathartic in many ways. Not seeing Elliot for so long had weighed on me to a degree that I hadn’t fully appreciated until we’d reunited. Emotionally I had distanced myself from him, pushing him away over time before I could feel the sting of knowing that I was secondary to his new family now. But the second I walked into his and Beth’s home, I knew I couldn’t run away from those old feelings.
Elliot held a place in my past, and while it wouldn’t always be easy, I knew he wanted a place in my future, however small. Pushing him away wasn’t fair to either of us.
We’d parted with promises to see each other again at the wedding.
The wedding. Fiona and Alli were rounding up the final details, and my belly burst into uncontrollable butterflies whenever I imagined it. I smiled inwardly. Slowly but surely, everything seemed to be falling into place around me. After everything Blake and I had been through, we deserved this time.
I lingered on that thought when I heard a familiar voice enter the office. I rose from my desk and met Alex in the main area. In a flash, I remembered Alli had put him in my schedule for this afternoon.
“Erica, great to see you.” We shook hands.
“You too. What brings you to the area?”
“I have family here. My sister just had a baby, so I thought I’d come out for a bit.”
“Oh, congratulations. That’s great.”
“Thanks. Who knows when I’ll get around to having kids, so figure I should bask in someone else’s joy. Saves me on diaper duty too.”
I laughed. “Did you want to just catch up on the numbers?”
“Yeah, hey, let me buy you a coffee and we can chat.”
“Sure.” A couple minutes later, we were situated at a small table at Mocha, the cafe downstairs.
Simone was busy, so one of her helpers took our order and quickly returned with two iced coffees.<
br />
After some small talk about the weather, Alex reached into his blazer pocket and pulled out a check. “I wanted to give you this while I was here.”
I took it and tried to mask my satisfaction at the healthy number on it. The partnership between our two companies had become increasingly fruitful, and the financial stability this opportunity had given us was a reward all its own.
“Thanks.” I folded the check and waited for him to continue. We usually had our meetings over the phone about routine things, so I was curious what specifically had brought him into the office to speak with me.
“Things have been going well,” he said.
“Definitely. I’m so grateful we were able to connect.”
He drank from his coffee and set it back down carefully. “I agree. That’s actually why I wanted to stop in. I have a proposition for you.”
“What is that?”
His lips pursed slightly. “I want to buy Clozpin from you.”
My jaw fell, and a satisfied smile turned up the corner of his lip.
“I know this probably comes as a shock. That’s why I wanted to talk to you about it in person.”
“I can’t deny that it is. What spurred this?” I had never seriously considered acquisition as an option. We’d been fledging for so long. Only recently had we had the numbers to really show an upward trajectory.
“Simply, our partnership and the value it’s bringing to my company.”
“This has been great for us, but obviously your site is way more established. I guess I didn’t realize the impact it was having for you.”
He leaned forward, resting his elbows on the table. “I am where I am because I see potential on the horizon before most people do. I see potential with this business and with you leading the team here. I have capital. You have Landon, which means you have access to capital too. But I have the infrastructure in place to take your concept to the next level right away. And if I’m going to do that, I want ownership stake.”
I nodded. “Wow. I don’t really know what to say. I’ve never even considered something like this.”
He seemed more serious then, as if friendliness were giving way to business now. “I understand. You should take some time to think about it. If it’s something you’d like to talk more about, I’d want to see some more detailed financials so we can come up with a valuation. Obviously I want to offer you something more than fair.”
“Um, okay.” With shaky hands I grabbed my coffee. He’d completely blindsided me with this.
“Do you have any thoughts or questions for me, with this in mind?”
My mind spun as I tried to imagine what this could mean for me and the business, not to mention the people who now relied on it. “I guess my main concern would be the team. What would happen to everyone’s jobs? I’d want to make sure everyone was secure.”
“Sure, we can work all that verbiage into the sales agreement. In fact I think it’s important that you, specifically, stay on and continue to run the business. Basically I want you to keep doing everything you’re doing. I’m giving you the opportunity to cash out early but still run operations.”
I nodded again, trying to wrap my head around all this new information. “I’ll have to think about it, okay?”
He smiled, his business persona softening. “Great. Talk to Landon about it and let me know what questions you might have. If you want to send me some of your financials this week, I can shoot you off an offer. That might help your decision too.”
I let out a shocked laugh and rubbed my forehead. “Okay, sure.”
We shook hands and he left me to consider the magnitude of what he’d just proposed.
Stunned, I stared out the windows of the cafe. Alex was right. I had to talk to Blake, because my gut wasn’t telling me if this was a good idea or a terrible idea. I was simply stunned.
“Who’s the suit?” Simone collected Alex’s coffee cup and shot me a curious look.
“Alex,” I answered quickly, trying to mask my suddenly off-kilter mood. “We partnered a little while ago. He just wanted to talk business.” I was careful not to mention Alex’s proposal, lest she mention it to James. I had a lot to think about before bringing the possibility of an acquisition to the team. Though I was eager to get their input on it, I wanted to talk to Blake first. He had the greatest stake in the business, and he also had more experience with all of this than I did.
“I hope you don’t mind me using the cafe as an office. I should probably pay you rent for all the work conversations I end up having here.”
She laughed, a throaty sound that rang over the steady murmur of the cafe. “Yeah, right. You can pay me back in drinks. Speaking of, when are we going out next? I’m hearing rumblings about a bachelorette party.”
I laughed nervously. “Has Alli drafted you into her plans yet?”
“Oh, yeah.” She winked, a wicked grin lifting her lips.
I nearly choked on my coffee. “Oh, no. The look on your face is seriously worrying me.”
“It should.” She laughed again.
I shook my head, and she slapped me playfully on the arm.
“Not to worry, Erica. We’ll have a blast.”
“I have no doubt.” I grinned and grabbed my purse to head out. As worrisome as her playful threats were, I had bigger things on my mind. “All right, I’ll catch up with you later.”
“No problem, hon. Knock ’em dead.” She smiled and gave me a quick hug before I left.
I stepped outside, hesitating in front of the entrance that would take me back up to the office. The aroma of coffee and the promise of fall mingled in the air. I couldn’t go back to work with all this news in my head. I glanced up and down the street, unsure which way to go. Clay’s black Escalade sat at the end of the block. I walked that way.
I hopped into the back.
“Hi, Clay.”
“Miss Hathaway. Would you like me to take you home?”
“No, not yet. Would you mind driving me to Harvard?”
“Of course not.”
The financial district disappeared as we made our way to the other side of the city. We crossed the river and wove through the tight streets that surrounded Harvard’s historic campus.
“Here is fine, Clay,” I said, when we were stopped at a light in an area I knew well.
“Where would you like me to pick you up?”
“I’ll give you a ring.”
He hesitated.
“I’ll be okay, I promise. I’m just taking a walk around campus. I won’t wander far.” I gave him a crooked smile. He had already taken a lot of grief from Blake for letting me disappear before on his watch. Still, I think Clay sympathized with me a little bit. His presence gave me comfort, but I had to spread my wings from time to time.
“What should I tell Mr. Landon if he asks for you?”
I sighed. “Tell him I went for a walk, and if he’s worried, he can call me. I have my phone.”
He nodded, and I took that as good enough to leave the car. I wove through the afternoon crowd, a mix of students and tourists. For having only been away a few months, I was surprised I didn’t recognize anyone. Harvard was officially in the past, and my, how life had changed.
I walked through the gates that led into the campus. The air changed, and memories of my old life here settled over me. I smiled, grateful that I’d been able to make so many memories here. I walked until my legs started to tire. I found an unoccupied bench under a tree nestled in a fairly quiet courtyard.
People walked, engrossed in their own conversations. The breeze filtered through the old trees overhead. The buildings of brick and stone stood silent and imposing. The faint murmur of the city streets beyond the campus boundaries hummed in the distance.
Everything felt different. The ground under my feet, the air around me, and now too, this place from my past. Had it been the conversation with Alex? I was used to seeing my world turn upside down with Blake in my life, but this was different. This was my busine
ss.
The prospect of selling to Alex thrilled me. And terrified me. A part of me was ready to burst with the promise of going through with it, of being able to say that I did it. After all our struggles trying to stay above water, I could walk away knowing I’d made it a success. I had no idea how much Alex would offer, but based on the already hefty checks his business was paying out to us, I imagined it would be impressive. Blake wouldn’t let me accept anything that wasn’t more than fair, and Alex had promised just as much.
My mind ran away with the possibilities. Freedom from the daily grind, the kind of freedom that Blake enjoyed being able to pick and choose his projects. Whatever I walked away with from a sale wouldn’t come close to Blake’s wealth, but I could pay him back and have a little nest egg of my own that I could say I earned. Maybe it would be enough to invest in Geoff’s project independently too.
I had worried about how I would make time for his project, with everything else going on. This could be the perfect time to make a change. Troubling little pangs of worry tempered my giddiness. What if life changed more than I wanted it to? The beautiful office Blake had renovated for me, the team with whom I’d grown so close, and the daily routine that drove me forward. None of that would be guaranteed for long once I gave up ownership.
My mind swam back and forth, through every possibility, until my earlier excitement bordered on anxiety at the prospect of making the wrong decision. My phone rang. It was Alli.
“Hey.”
“Hey, is everything all right? You were gone for a while and I didn’t see you downstairs.”
I sighed, grateful to hear her voice. “I’m fine. I decided to take a walk after meeting with Alex.”
“Is everything okay?” Her voice softened with concern.
I closed my eyes. I needed her advice now more than ever. “Everything is fine. I just needed some air. Do you have any plans tonight though? I want to run some things by you.”
“Um, sure. Girls’ night, or should we invite Heath and Blake?”
Blake would no doubt have an opinion about Alex’s proposition, and I valued his opinion more than anyone’s. He had more experience than all of us combined, and I had faith that he’d never steer me wrong.
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